Child's Play: A Spaceman's Story

by Guerin Zand

  “Are you feeling better now Guerin?”

  Of course, there was a silly little grin on her face and she was obviously planning on having fun with this. I’d bet my bug out bag Julie had told her everything and my shower scene, well, that had probably just been broadcast on the “Good Morning Space Pervs” early edition. Probably big “NEWS ALERT” banners running at the bottom of the screen.

  “I hope you’re well rested. We have a busy day today. We are going to be rendezvousing with the main ship …”

  I interrupted “THE MOTHER SHIP?”

  Milly just gave me one of those Milly looks I was starting to get used to. “Yes, the ‘mother’ ship if that makes you happy. Later today we will be using a, what did you call it? A transit portal?” I nodded my head. “Yes, that’s it, so you might want to prepare yourself for that.”

  “Listen Milly. I don’t really think I can take having my reality ripped out through my ass one more time. It really isn’t a very pleasant experience and I have no idea how one is supposed to ‘prepare’ themselves”

  “Guerin, you really need to grow a set!” Yes, that was Milly talking.

  “What did you say to me?” I yelled back. Of course, everyone had to look over. I was sure this would be good for whatever afternoon news program they have. I was getting a bit miffed at these aliens.

  Milly of course seemed to be smiling and said “Grow a set! Julie and I were reviewing some of the more colorful phrases in the Urban Dictionary and we thought this one fit you, how do you say, to a tee?”

  Ok great. The girls are getting together to work on their insults and strategies for my future abuse. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe they weren’t going to ass rape me. No, they were going for the total mind fuck! I don’t think I’ve ever had a couple of women spend so much time on me. I guess I should have been flattered.

  This was, as you can probably guess, all any self-respecting man could take. I stood up grabbed my coffee and walked off in a huff back to my room. At least now had somewhere to huff off to, and that was comforting.

  In my cabin, I wasn’t really sure what to do. I was kinda scared of that viewer thingy after this morning so I stayed away from that. What could I do? I knew. I grabbed my bug out bag and retrieved my pistol and the cleaning kit. That’s right I went straight to a real man’s activity. Grow a set! Grow a set! I t just kept repeating in my head. I’d show those little alien space bitches a set if that is what they wanted. The entire merry band of ass rapers COULD SUCK MY BIG WHITE …

  That’s when I heard someone knocking at the door. It was Milly again. Couldn’t give me a few free moments to sort my shit out. No, she had to interrupt me right in the middle of my rant. It was a good rant too. I needed to rant, but NO! This woman just wouldn’t let me have a moments peace.

  “Do you mind if I come in Guerin?”

  “Sure, why not” I gruffed.

  Milly was a bit startled seeing the gun out on the table. “You’re not planning on doing anything stupid with that, are you?”

  Really. This is what she thought about me. I really couldn’t take much more of this shit. I was really approaching my wits end, but I wasn’t quite sure where that was anymore.

  “NO!” I barked at her. “I’m just cleaning it. It’s something we Earth men do to help us GROW A SET!”

  I really didn’t want to be mean to her but there is just something in us men that we can’t control at times.

  “I didn’t mean to upset you so much. It was just a joke. You said you liked to use humor to help cope with things so I thought it would help. I’m really sorry but you need to relax a bit.”

  I just kept cleaning my gun and ignored her. I had no response. I had nothing. I wanted to go home. Being on an alien space ship was supposed to be fun. It always was in the books I read. You would think a super smart hotty like this might have taken a little time to research our literature, to get an idea of what might help make me feel more comfortable, but not this she devil. She was simply winging it, and it was obvious.

  “Are you just going to sit there and play with your gun?” she asked. “I don’t know what else I can say. Look, if you can’t deal with this then I’ll take you home, if that’s what you want. We’ll find someone else. I really thought you’d be able to handle it.” Still I remained silent and proceeded to reassemble my gun.

  “If you won’t talk to me how I am supposed to know what I should do. You’ve got to talk to me Guerin.”

  OH DEAR GOD! She hadn’t just said that, had she? Rod Serling must have been standing around some corner saying, “You’ve just entered the fucking Twilight Zone Guerin!”

  I took the, now clean and shiny, pistol, slammed in the magazine, and racked a round into the chamber before I sat the gun down in front of me and looked up into Milly’s incredibly beautiful green eyes.

  I needed to resist. I couldn’t let her bat those little green peepers in my general direction and just give in. I was a man after all. These tricks weren’t going to work on me anymore. Did Julie beef up my libido to make me more submissive to the females? I wouldn’t put anything past these aliens.

  “You just don’t get it do you Milly. I’m a man. I have needs, desires, and feelings you know!” There, I thought to myself. You want to toss cliché bombs around woman? Well BOOM! Take that!

  “I’m not some white lab rat here to run your maze and find the piece of cheese you’ve so cleverly hidden. What happens when I find the cheese? You and your merry band of ass rapers throw a party, have some fun with those shiny little probes of yours and dump me back out in the woods with a flag planted, God knows where?”

  “How would you handle it if I ripped your reality out through your ass and landed you back on Earth? Told you there were no space ships and you were just a bartender I’d picked up last night, you know, like I usually do. That’s all you’d ever been. Everything you thought was real, was bullshit. How would you handle that? Did you or your little torture partner Julie ever think about that?”

  Milly started to say something but I wasn’t done. I was on a roll and it felt good.

  “I bet neither one of you even bothered to consider what the whole reality crisis was doing to me. You just don’t get it! You both seem to be having a really good time while I’m holding on by a thread here and if I let go I have no idea what comes next. Even holding on to that thread, I don’t know what comes next. I’m a bowl of petunias in a void of nothingness!” Not sure why I uttered that last part but it seemed so right.

  Milly held up her hands to stop the rant and simply said “What the hell is a bowl of petunias in a void of nothingness supposed to mean?”

  “See”, I proclaimed in victory, “You just don’t get it! Not a clue, right? Not even trying as far as I can tell. You could have said you were sorry and that you didn’t understand but NO! Instead you try to make it look like I’m the one being unreasonable. One day you’re going to make some fine man totally miserable and your looking forward to that day I bet. I’m just your practice dummy!”

  Milly touched the pad on her wrist and Julie answered. Milly asked her to come join us since she didn’t seem to be doing any good on her own. I wasn’t even excited at the thought of having both of those hotties in my room that’s how miffed I was.

  The door opened and Julie stepped in. That didn’t take long I thought. She was probably standing outside the door the whole time. I bet they really had nothing better to do.

  “Nice gun” Julie said in her usual flippant manner. She was a pistol herself. As much as I wanted to unload on her it was hard. This woman was not easily rattled like Milly appeared to be. I was going to have to work for it with her.

  “You want to play with it?” I muttered as I offered her the loaded gun, safety off.

  “No, I’m good. Nice shower scene this morning by the way.” I told you this was not going to be easy.

  “I was thinking of you the whole time Julie. Perhaps you can access my memories and download a few pictures. I’d really like t
o share those with you! It’s good you’re here though. Now both of you can take turns insulting me. Milly told me you’d been practicing.”

  Julie just ignored me and asked, “Milly what seems to be the problem with your little pet this time?”

  She did see the loaded gun right in front of me, didn’t she?

  “I’m not really sure?” Milly started.

  I was hurt. She didn’t correct that little pet comment, did she?

  “He seemed to be coming to a point and then tossed this bowl of petunias at me and quite frankly he lost me. Any ideas?”

  “I was listening in”, oh big fucking surprise there, huh? “I have to admit that one through me for a loop too.”.

  I angrily reached into my bug out bag and grabbed my iPad. I opened the kindle app to the Guide and pushed it towards Julie.

  “Here”, I said, “You might want to spend a little time doing some research instead thinking up new ways to insult me. You can get back to me when you finished reading the Guide!”

  “Oh, how quaint. Audio visual aids. I wonder if he has a coloring book in there too?”

  What did I tell you about Julie? She was quick. I had to come up with something other than pouting, quick, or I was going to lose this round.

  “Perhaps you should leave us alone Milly while I try to sort this out with Guerin.”

  Milly looked sad. Like she had failed her friends and crew. “I’d prefer to stay.”

  “Ok, but I didn’t want to embarrass Guerin in front of you. He seems to be a bit sensitive about such things.”

  “Really Julie?” I was losing it now. “Y’all seem to enjoy embarrassing me in front of others. I was starting to think that was the Bree’s favorite past time!” There take that!

  “Ok. If that’s what you both want.” I think Julie was about to unload a few of her own big guns.

  “Look Guerin. Sure, this is a bit of a shock to your system but you need to man up and get your shit together. This isn’t all about you. This is your second little boy tantrum in just a few hours. You think you can just unbunch your panties and calm down?”

  “Milly has put a lot of work into this little venture and you are single handedly putting her work, and career, at risk. Don’t you care about anyone but yourself? Are you that selfish?”

  I tried to answer but Julie was not having it.

  “I’m not finished!” Julie might actually be getting a bit emotional here. I knew better then to open my mouth at this point. Remember the universal constants men. They can save your life just as well as your gun.

  “What is your problem? Yes, the universe is not what you thought. You think you’re the first being to ever come to this realization. I mean exactly what makes you so special? “

  “We have a few hours left and you need to decide. Are you going to get over yourself and your petty little issues or should we just dump your sad ass back into that pathetic little life you had on Earth? Grow a set, man up, get your head out of your ass and come to grips with the situation. I want your answer now! Are you coming with us or do you want to go back home and cry to mommy?”

  I pretty much just sat there. I mean what was I supposed to say? She sort of made sense, if any of this made sense. I was not really sure. A dumb look was pretty much the last round in my magazine at that point.

  “WELL?”

  “Uh sure?” That seemed like a reasonable response.

  “SURE WHAT? What does that mean? Are you coming with us or not?”

  “I’m coming with you.” I think I lost that round.

  “Good. Now I hope this is the last of these little episodes we’re going to have to deal with. What do you say?”

  “Well Julie, I can’t really promise that. I have to vent sometimes or I could explode. That wouldn’t be pretty. Earth women are smart enough to just leave a man alone when he gets in a mood like this. Not you and Milly though. Besides, you are one sexy space bitch when you get all angry and I’m looking forward to more of that in the future.” There woman. I may have lost that battle but I was not going to surrender.

  “And another thing.” I added. “Perhaps I could spend the day with Sammy. Being stuck on the S.S. Minnow with only Ginger and Maryann to talk to would drive Gilligan crazy too. I need to spend a little time with the skipper.”

  “Don’t get me wrong. You ladies are real eye pleasers but if we’re not going to have sex than maybe a little male bonding might help. Having to deal with women like this tends to make a guy a little cranky. You obviously could use a few lessons on how to counsel a human male Julie. I think there’s a book by a man named Freud on the iPad that might help you.”

  As Julie started to turn and walk away I couldn’t resist one last zinger. “And by the way Julie dear. I think you still owe me a lolly pop from my visit to the medical center. Milly promised!”

  The door opened and the two ladies exited my room. I could hear Julie and Milly congratulating themselves on a job well done. At one point Julie mentioned how studying the Urban Dictionary seemed to really help bridge the communication gap they seemed to have with me.

  BITCHES!

  Chapter 6

  Me and Sammy

  A few minutes after the ladies left there was another knock on the door. “Come on in” I greeted.

  Sammy entered my quarters. “Hi Guerin. The women said you wanted to spend some time with me so here I am. I have a lot of work to do getting ready for our travels today but you’re welcome to tag along.”

  Great! See right off Sammy comes in and he’s nice to me. Offers to show me the ropes, so to speak, of the inner workings of the ship. No insults. He’s a man and he knows that the basic primal instinct to play with big, powerful and dangerous machines is as strong in men as our sex drive. He also doesn’t tease me with innuendos or waste time toying with me and leading me on. No. He’s just going to do it without all that bullshit. That’s what men do!

  Now I haven’t really spent anytime really describing the ship I was on. That’s mainly because of the women. They seemed to think it was more fun to just keep me in the dark, but not Sammy.

  As we started walking down the main hallway Sammy started to give me a real honest to God tour of the ship. Why this is something the women never thought of was one of those universal mysteries I thought was probably best ignored.

  “The ship is basically a large cylinder. It measures about 300 meters, in your terms, long with a radius of approximately 50 meters.” Metric really? Not that I am not familiar with the metric system but I am an American and I like the more confusing English system of measurements. Now I could have been like Milly and Julie and interrupted Sammy to point this out but I didn’t. Men don’t do that.

  Sammy continued. “There are 3 levels. The top level has labs, cargo, maintenance areas with all the tools and equipment”, Did he say tools? “we need to maintain this ship. We are pretty much self-sufficient and can handle any emergency that one could conceive. The mid-level has all the crew quarters, food stations, medical center and recreation areas.”

  Why had I not seen the recreation areas yet??? I thought I probably really didn’t want to ask.

  “On the lower level, we have the ships drives, power plants and the primary control center. That’s where were heading.”

  You notice how there is no confusion here. He’s talking about interesting things and I am following right along, no problem. To the few women who might actually be reading my story I just have one question. Is this really so hard to understand?

  “So Sammy, is this your ship?” I asked.

  “I’m not quite sure what you mean Guerin.”

  “I mean do you own this little beauty of a space ship or are you just the skipper, I mean captain?”

  “Oh. I understand now.”

  See just another example of how men can talk and not get all confused. It’s just women that cause all this confusion when interacting with men. I could keep pointing out these examples while I describe my time with Sammy but it would be
come repetitive. That’s something women are good at, not me.

  “We don’t really ‘own’ things. We have our areas that we specialize in so this ship is mine, in a way. Nothing happens aboard this ship, no travel occurs with this ship and nothing gets done to this ship without my approval. So I guess the term ‘Captain’ is appropriate from your point of view, but we don’t really have ranks as you would think of. We all just now our own place in our society and we stick to it.”

  We stepped out of the elevator that had taken us to the lower level and started walking towards the front of the ship, but I am not really sure if there is a front or back since it is all the same. It really wasn’t a big deal. I guess it’s all relative.

  “So Sammy, why is it a cylindrical? I mean wouldn’t a box or rectangular shape be simpler?” The engineer in me is starting to come out. I’m finally having fun!

  “A cylinder is simpler for us to construct using our methods, I won’t bore you with the details, and it also has some advantages based on the basic design principals. A simple one is the trans-dimensional portals are circular so a cylinder makes it possible to open the smallest portal based on the geometry. Smaller portals require less energy. Simple enough, right?”

  “No argument from me on that one Sammy.”

  We continued down the main hallway on the lower level until it ended. There was a door and Sammy placed his hand on the pad and the door opened. Before me was a fairly large room, probably 50 meters square. See, I’m not a metric idiot. Inside was what appeared to be one big box painted in that same puke green as the rest of the ship. It took up most of the room with access ways for maintenance.

  “Here is the main power plant. What do you think?”

  Really, I was not impressed. It was just a big ugly box. Sammy, being a man, instantly recognized the look on my face.

  “Not what you were expecting Guerin?”

  “Well Sammy it’s not like I have a lot of experience with space ship power plant design but it is a bit underwhelming, I mean it’s a box. In all the movies I’ve seen, or books I’ve read, it should be some eye-popping exotic shape with big glowing energy tubes sprouting from it.”