Child's Play: A Spaceman's Story

by Guerin Zand

  “I have seen some of those movies you’re talking about. There pretty flashy, sure, but you do know they’re total bullshit, don’t you?

  “I know that. But it still is kind of disappointing. I wanted to stare into a controlled fusion reaction just hanging in the air or a mini black hole. And why is it that it’s the same ugly green color like the rest of the ship? I mean does that color have some special properties I don’t know of? Does it make the power plant more efficient or generate more power?”

  “No. It’s just the color of the coating we use for the materials in our construction. The coating itself does have some interesting properties but the color is just what it is. We don’t really see a need to change it.”

  “You guys aren’t much on aesthetics, huh?”

  “Not on a little ship like this.”

  I didn’t want to show what a rube I was by commenting that 300 meters wasn’t, what I would call, a small ship so I didn’t say anything.

  “We don’t live on this ship for extended periods of time. We’ve only been here for this long because Julie and Milly asked us to wait for a while before leaving. They said you were having issues.”

  Yes. I am sure Julie and Milly were all too eager to share my “issues” with the whole crew.

  “The main ship is a permanent habitat for hundreds of thousands of Bree and other races. There are a lot of aesthetically pleasing aspects on that ship. I think you’ll really like it”

  “I haven’t seen any windows anywhere on this ship Sammy. Are there any? I would really like to be able to look outside the ship to see where we are. I mean this is my first big space adventure and all I have seen is a bunch of ugly green walls.”

  Sammy smiled as we left the power plant room. “Windows are kind of a stupid idea from an engineering stand point wouldn’t you agree? They just add weak points to the structure that could cause a failure. A homogenous structure constructed of one solid piece is simpler to design and more efficient. I think you humans call this the 'KISS’ principal for design. I like that term. Mind if I steal that one?”

  “As Earth’s representative aboard the good ship Lolly Pop I give you my permission skipper. It’s the least I can do.” Which of course it was.

  “You can always use a viewer to see outside the ship if you want.”

  “I noticed that in all your Earth designs that the space capsules / shuttles have windows. From an engineering stand point that doesn’t make a lot of sense. Can you explain to me the logic behind that? Your submarines don’t have windows.”

  “Well Sammy you got us on that one. We humans can do some stupid things and I guess this is just one of those things. You have to go back to when we humans first went into space.”

  “The astronauts were chosen from the current military’s aircraft pilots. Now human pilots, especially fighter jocks and test pilots, are the most arrogant ass holes in the entire human population. They are pretty much a big bunch of whiny little spoiled babies who think God somehow endowed them with super powers. They’re above the rest of us mere mortals. Well anyways, I apologize for getting a little off topic there but it will help explain this stupidity.”

  “The first tests of our space rockets were unmanned. Once we got reasonably sure the things weren’t going to just blow up on the launch pad, which of course we weren’t as sure of as we thought, we decided to send up a chimpanzee, a monkey. See the monkeys didn’t complain about there not being any windows and for the life of me I am not sure why we ever replaced them with human ass holes, I mean pilots, but we did. “

  “When we were getting ready for the first launch of a human into space the pilots complained, like the little whiny ass spoiled babies they were, that they weren’t monkeys, a point some of your crew might want to debate, and couldn’t fly this thing without a window to see where they were going.”

  “The engineers of course argued that they didn’t need a window. I mean hell, they weren’t going to be actually flying anything. Just like the monkey, they were just there to see if the experience would kill them. They had no control over what the giant bomb they were sitting on was going to do and the engineers didn’t want them to have any control because they would most probably screw it up.”

  “Anywho, arguing with a bunch of whiny babies just wasn’t worth it so in the end the engineers conceded the point and added a window and a control stick. Now the window was not at the front of the crew capsule, so the pilot couldn’t actually see in front of them to see where the craft was heading, and the stick was there so the pilots wouldn’t just sit there and play with themselves.”

  “The fact that they couldn’t actually see where they were going, or that the stick had no effect on the flight of the rocket, seemed not to matter to the pilots any more than it would have mattered to the monkeys.”

  “To not get to far off topic, the monkey could easily be made happy with a few bananas, which was a lot cheaper than the design changes we had to make for these ass holes, I mean pilots, and to the monkey’s credit he didn’t find it necessary to play with himself during the flight.”

  “And so there you have it Sammy. A perfect example of human stupidity. Now I don’t want you to think that it was a total waste. You should download the movie Apollo 13. It’s a pretty good movie, not pure bullshit, although a bit of it is as the result of pilot participation in the making of the movie.”

  “In this attempt to land on the moon the ship did encounter a catastrophic failure and explosion. The pilots on board were able to use the window to help navigate, and orient the craft properly using the stars since the computers were all toast. They managed to limp back home and it was a big success from that stand point.”

  “Just goes to prove there is an exception to every rule. In this case the exception proved that not all pilots are assholes and sometimes a window can be useful.”

  Sammy seemed to enjoy that story. We both got a little chuckle out of it.

  We continued down the hallway to the back of the ship and stopped where there was a door on the left and right. Sammy opened them both and pointed out the gravity generators and inertial damping systems. Two more big green boxes. We didn’t waste much time there.

  Just to clarify, for those not familiar with space travel, the ships have inertial damping systems, not inertial dampening systems. An inertial dampening system would just make inertia damp, which really makes no sense.

  In the center of the ship, we entered the central control area. I guess since it was in the center that might be where that name came from. It wasn’t important enough to ask about. It was fine with me. They could call anything onboard their ship whatever they wanted. I would just come up with my own names for things if theirs were too confusing.

  There was some nice shiny stuff in here with glowing panels and 3D holograms. Now this was more like it. There were four crew members I hadn’t met yet working in here. They seemed quite busy. Not sure what they were doing, but they looked busy.

  “So here is the main control center for the ship. All the systems are monitored and controlled from here. Tommy over there is our navigator and he is working on plotting our course. Cindy is monitoring the life support and recycling facilities. Ricky is the information systems engineer.”

  Ricky the IT guy, huh. Now him and me have some business to discuss.

  “And Jackie, at the other end of the room, oversees communications.”

  “Howdy guys”, I waved, “Nice to finally meet y’all. Real sweet ship you got here. Totally enjoying the ride.” They all seemed over joyed to meet me, NOT. I don’t think they even acknowledged my presence. I’m sure they’d all seen the videos though. Maybe that’s why they couldn’t look me in the face.

  Both Jackie and Cindy were again, very attractive women, in their skin-tight onesies. I guess their abduction skill set was lacking which was why they were exiled to the ship’s bowels. At least they weren’t a couple of smart asses who thought this was their big chance to get a few insults in. Probably one
of those abduction skills they were lacking.

  Now Tommy and Ricky were younger and better looking than Sammy. From what I could tell most of the crew appeared to be in their prime, which would explain why they were so attractive. Sammy was a bit of an enigma though. One day I’d love to know his story but I wasn’t rude enough to just blurt this out.

  “So, Sammy do I get the fly the ship now?”

  Sammy laughed a bit. Not that mean demeaning laughter Milly and Julie were so fond of. No, this was the kind of laughter your man friends display when you make a funny joke. See Sammy knew I was joking, at least partially, and he enjoyed the joke. And Sammy being a good sport, unlike others I won’t mention, decided to play along.

  “Milly said you’d probably ask me that. You know how to fly a …”, he muddled off some insanely long group of totally un-understandable words, not sure why the earbud wasn’t working, that I assumed was the model designation for this ship. He was still smiling and we were bonding over these hot wheels he called his ship.

  “Sure” I said. “You just use the thrusters to point the ship in the right direction and then hit the gas. When we get where we’re going, I apply the brakes as needed, right? I just need to know where the steering wheel, gas and brake pedals are and we’re good to go. What do you say Sammy?”

  “Well I have to admit, you got the basics sort of right Guerin. But there’s no steering wheel, gas or brake pedals. It is all controlled through the same type of interfaces that Milly has already shown you. Since you don’t have knowledge of how the systems work the interfaces would just draw a blank, or worse yet we could have a mishap like you encountered earlier with the viewer in your quarters. That could be messy and I’m expected to bring back the ship in one piece.”

  We both had a good laugh. Some of the other crew looked a bit terrified that Sammy might actually let me give it a go. I suspected Sammy was a real joker. I liked that about him.

  Sammy took me down to the back of the lower level and showed me a room with three more big boxes. He explained they were for life support and recycling. He didn’t waste any more time on that since I had already seen enough big ugly green boxes on this tour.

  “Well Guerin I have to get the ship ready for our entry into the trans-dimensional portal that will take us to the main ship. I hope you enjoyed our time together. We should be ready to go in about an hour so you might want to get something to eat and then relax in your quarters until we arrive. Hopefully you won’t find this little hop as upsetting as before.”

  “Sammy, I had a great time. Finally, I’m enjoying my little space adventure thanks to you. You think you can talk to my lady friends and explain how simple it was. They seem to have poor interpersonal relationship skills. You, on the other hand, were a hoot.”

  “If you ever make down to Earth you’ll have to look me up. I got a couple of sweet machines in my garage. We call them motorcycles. I have a duck, and a beemer, and you can pick which one you prefer and I WILL let you take it for a spin. You’ll see how pretty us Earth folk make are machines. They’re all shiny and sweet. You’ll want to wax and rub ‘em and make them even better looking.”

  “You humans really like to take risks. I have seen those things you call motorcycles and they don’t look safe.”

  “Of course there not safe Sammy. What would be the point in that? We Earth men love that dangerous shit. We spend most of our free time trying to kill ourselves just so we can feel even more alive. I even used to jump out of planes for a while, until that got boring. Trust me Sammy, it will be fun.”

  “Would you like me to show you back to your quarters?”

  “I think I can find my own way back, but thanks anyways. Try not to crash the ship into the Sun or anything stupid like I might do.” We both laughed.

  What a great day! I hoped I would get more time with Sammy. Maybe we could swap stories about the different women in our lives and he could attempt to explain Milly and Julie to me. Probably not, but I couldn’t really blame him if relations between the sexes was anything like it was on Earth.

  Of course I got lost on the way back to my quarters. Luckily all the fusion reactors and black holes were contained in big ugly green boxes or I might have walked right into one.

  Chapter 7

  Some Alone Time with Milly

  I grabbed a slice of pizza and a coke in the cafeteria and headed back to my room. Luckily no one else was around so I didn’t have to hide my face or put up with any background giggles as I had previously. The crew must have actually been busy flying the ship and not just watching videos of me.

  I was relaxed after what turned out to be a really fun morning, thanks to Sammy. I was even thinking about trying to use the viewer thing again so I could see where we were and where we were going. Since I wasn’t a pilot, just a simple monkey, it wasn’t really necessary but I thought it would be nice to see what the surroundings looked like. Sammy had given me some tips on using this device, something the other two unmentionables must have thought was too difficult for me, so I was eager to give it a go while I nibbled on the pizza and slurped my coke.

  Of course someone just had to knock on my door. Now I wondered why they always knocked? Wasn’t there any super-tech door gizmo like a door bell? I guess it was just as easy to knock and according to Sammy they liked things as simple as possible.

  “Come in” I sighed. I didn’t even bother to ask who it was. I figured I just let whoever it was surprise me. It most probably was Milly or Julie. The rest of the crew, except for Sammy, seemed to keep their distance. I wondered if smelled bad to these aliens? I should probably ask. I did use the soaps Milly had shown me when I showered so I hoped that wasn’t the issue.

  It was Milly. That was probably for the best. She was easier to handle than Julie but I liked the challenge of Julie too. What’s a man to do?

  “Hi Guerin. Did you enjoy your time with Sammy?”

  “Yes, I did Milly, thanks for asking. It really was the most fun I’ve had since I was abducted.”

  She gave me one of her now well-known sighs and funny looks.

  “He showed me around the lower deck and he even let me fly the ship!”

  “Really” she was a bit surprised.

  “No, not really. I just thought it would be fun seeing your reaction.”

  “Sammy showed me all the big green boxes down there and the control center. I got to meet more of the crew. Cindy and Jackie were really nice. There is apparently no hotty shortage in the Bree society. It was refreshing to meet two women on board who didn’t have an overwhelming urge to insult me. As a matter of fact, I think this is the longest I’ve gone without being insulted since I stepped on this ship. Did you come by to ruin that, or is it just time to check on your new pet?”

  “No” she pouted.

  She looked a bit, I don’t know, disappointed that I had a better time with Sammy then her. I thought she took her job seriously and to have her abductee bond with someone else was a failure of sorts. It was like she had done something wrong. I kinda felt bad but I knew better.

  If a woman thinks she’s done something wrong just enjoy it. Don’t correct her. These are the moments that make life special.

  “I’m sorry Julie called you my pet. She shouldn’t have done that.”

  “Well Milly, it’s Julie who should apologize for that, not you. The problem is you don’t realize what you did that really hurt me. You didn’t defend me and tell Julie to apologize. You just went along with her.”

  “I’m sorry. I don’t think your my pet.”

  “Just between you and me Milly, if that is even possible on this ship, I probably wouldn’t mind so much being your pet.”

  With that I just gave her the biggest shit eating grin I could muster. I think that made her feel a little better and she gave me a nice bad girl smile.

  “I thought maybe you would like some company when we cross the transit-portal?” She actually used my term for it. I think she was trying to make up. Make up sex is alway
s the best. I am going to have to play along.

  “Sure, that would be nice.” See, I wasn’t a total asshole. I knew how to play this game.

  “Is that pizza?” she asked. I nodded my head. “Mind if I try it? I’ve never had pizza.”

  “Knock yourself out, I mean go ahead. You might want to wash it down with a little of that coke drink. They go great together.”

  She had a bite of pizza and slurped down some coke. She really seemed to enjoy it.

  “Milly. Your area of expertise is supposed to be humans but you never had pizza and a coke?”

  “Never”

  “I don’t know, but when I travel to strange lands I always enjoy trying the local foods. It’s one of the best parts of travelling. Don’t you bother to get down to the planet and just have some fun? What’s the point of exploring if it’s not fun?”

  “Interfering with developing cultures is frowned upon, although we do spend some time mixing in. Plus, humans tend to eat meat which we can’t handle so a lot of the food is off limits.”

  “The prime directive huh?”

  “What are you talking about?”

  “Never mind. It’s sort of space humor. Either you get it or you don’t. Having to explain it takes the fun out of the joke.”

  “How long until we go through the portal?”

  “About 15 minutes, why?”

  “Well I should probably get ready.” I said, “Not really sure what I should do about that. A whole bottle of whiskey might help, but I doubt it.”

  I grabbed my bug out bag and got my trusty towel, I folded it up properly, put it on top of the pillow then laid back on the bed with my head on the towel.

  “What are you doing? Oh wait. I read about this in the Guide. You don’t really think that is going to work do you?”