Child's Play: A Spaceman's Story

by Guerin Zand

  “Why doesn’t that surprise me.”

  “The crap they put out these days they’re obviously desperate for something new. You could always just spice up the sex parts a bit more. A few wild sex scenes with a bunch of horny and hot space babes would probably sell?”

  “I don’t think that’s what most sci-fi fans want.”

  “You don’t think a bunch of geeks who may never have been laid are interested in sex?”

  “That’s a cheap shot at the fan base Milly. Besides there may be some women who read this.”

  “If there are, they probably have never been laid either. Do you think any self-respecting woman would be caught dead reading this book?”

  “They might.”

  “Why aren’t there more explicit details of your sexual adventures in space in the book anyways? Am I that boring in bed?”

  “No Milly. You’re not boring in bed, or the shower or ….”

  “You could use a catchy title like, Guerin Zand – Galactic Gigolo.”

  “Now you’re just making fun of me, aren’t you? Besides, if you were abducting human men for sex slaves for the planet Aphrodite, a planet of Amazonian women who use up men like fire wood, that might work. The Bree hotties, could be the pimps, and you’d break us in and then sell us off once we’re properly trained. So in this story, I’d be such a good sex slave that one of the Aphrodites falls madly in love with me and helps me to escape and warn Earth. But you haven’t given me anything good like that to work with, have you?”

  “So, let me see if I got this right Guerin. You’d prefer to be pimped out to a planet of Amazonian man eaters then be the Collective’s emissary to Earth?”

  “Yes. What guy wouldn’t? It would definitely sell more books and movies, better than what I have to work with now. You know that maybe I hit on something there.”

  “What?”

  “Well one could consider what you’ve been doing to me as sort of sex slave training? Not as rigorous as I would expect from a good sex slave training program but I can probably embellish that a bit. It’s not like you have been teaching me anything useful like telling time. I guess a sex slave wouldn’t need to be that smart.”

  “Well you’d be perfect in that case, but really Guerin?”

  “Think about it Milly. Julie juices me up with alien Viagra and you just happen to have sex with me? You did pimp me out to Julie the other night too. I’m just not sure if I made a mistake of not having sex with her now. Maybe a good sex slave would have or maybe it was a test of your sex slave’s loyalty. Doesn’t really matter I guess. It does make for a better story though.”

  “Are you serious?”

  “Listen Milly. You leave the creative parts to me and you can help with the facts. Ok?”

  “Whatever?”

  “So, do you know of a planet with women like the Amazonians I described? Maybe we could visit one before I go back home. You know, for research purposes only. I don’t want to totally make this shit up.”

  “Oh sure. There are tons of those worlds in the universe.”

  “You’re not taking this seriously Milly.”

  “Sorry.”

  “So, what does a prime sex slave, such as myself, go for in the universe these days?”

  “Well you’re going to need a more rigorous training first. Maybe we should just go back to your room and work on some new scenes if you think that would help? I’m sure I could come up with a few things you’ve never heard of on Earth before.”

  Milly stood up and started walking away.

  “Your SQ just got bumped up a few points Milly. If you think you can just get me to drop what I’m doing and chase after you because …”

  Milly didn’t even turn around. She just gave me a good view of the backside of her onesie and kept walking away. I quickly gathered up my shit and chased after her. I didn’t want to insult her you know. I caught up, panting from the little sprint, and she just looked at me with a terrifying smile. You know that smile. The one that made it obviously clear who was in charge.

  Chapter 25

  Dinner With Friends

  Milly spent the rest of the afternoon trying to impress me with her sexual feats, which weren’t that amazing, although much appreciated. They probably could use a good porn channel subscription here. It was the same old story. Clearly shoddy research, but Milly still got an A for effort. They would have probably found a trip to planet Porn just as confusing as I found my current reality.

  When Milly finished with the sex slave training session we both showered and she poured us a couple of drinks. It was nice to just sit back and relax. The whole space ship life was starting to get a little constraining though. I really missed my morning walks with Kat. You don’t realize how something so little is really important to you until it’s gone. I missed the Sun shining on me, the smells of the outdoors and the stupid things the dogs would do daily to entertain me. I know what you’re thinking. Here I am getting shagged regularly by a hot space babe and I’m missing my dogs. What can I say? When I get back home I’m sure I’ll miss the shagging. The grass is always greener over the septic tank, as I always like to say.

  I didn’t know when I was first writing this book that this quote should be attributed to Erma Bombeck. She published a book with this title and a movie was made from that book in 1978. I thought I had, in fact, coined this phrase earlier in my life when I moved into my first house that had a septic tank. Literally, the grass was always greener over the septic tank, which I found to be a ironic twist on the old phrase.

  “Sly and family want to know if we’d like to join them for dinner at the restaurant on the night side tonight. Do you want to go? The kids are coming too.”

  “Sure. I’d ask what time, but since I’m too dumb to tell time, I guess I’ll just ask how long until dinner?”

  “In about three hours if that’s good for you?”

  “That’s fine.”

  “Ok. I’ll let them know.”

  “So Milly, can you tell me more about this job I have taken on? What exactly am I supposed to do? I hope it doesn’t involve a lot of paper work. I really hate paper work.”

  “That is kind of hard to answer since it will depend on the circumstances. In most cases, we’ll be responding to events that are beyond our control so you’ll have to be flexible.”

  “Well can’t you at least give me some examples?” It really was like pulling teeth with the Bree. Of course, she could have been more specific, but no. I had to keep prodding for every little bit of info.

  “Ok. The Earth governments seem to be getting more aggressive towards each other currently. For humans to progress, they have to start working together.”

  “A new world order, huh?”

  “Not so new but more civil. We aren’t going to force a single government on Earth or anything like that. If that happens it will be humanity’s choice. We’re fine with the various governments that currently exist. What we’re considering is a way to get them to work together on something important. That could be the key to easing tensions and hopefully speeding up their technical progress. We can do subtle you know?”

  “Oh, I never doubted it, NOT!”

  “Anyway, we would use you to represent an off-world interest to the various governments. Earth isn’t ready for actual contact yet so you wouldn’t be allowed to give them any specific information about us. The major governments already know they’re not alone so this won’t be that hard.”

  “Are you planning on cluing me in or asking for my input concerning this little plan?”

  “No. We figured we’d surprise you. That’s when you seem to do your best work.”

  “Are you fucking serious?”

  “Yes.”

  “I feel so much better now Milly. Thanks.”

  “Not a problem. We also may have a situation with one of the independent worlds interfering with Earth’s development. We’re thinking we should send you to convince them that it would not be a good idea.”

>   “And how will I do that? Just be myself and show them how amazingly stupid and dangerous humans are?”

  “Something like that.”

  “You don’t really have any plans, do you? You’re all just fucking winging it, right?”

  “Oh Guerin. Do we come across as people who wing it?”

  “Is that a serious question?”

  Milly just shook her head at me. I shook my head back. These guys just didn’t give me that warm and fuzzy feeling when it came to their plans.

  “You’re just going to send me off to some rebel world and …”

  “They’re not rebel worlds Guerin. They’re independent worlds. There are no galactic wars going on except in your imagination.”

  “Well if you’re just going to dump me off without a clue and see what happens, maybe I’ll just start one. This universe could use some excitement.”

  We continued to argue about what I thought were pretty stupid plans up until it was time for dinner. We both got dressed, well I got dressed and Milly just slipped back into her onesie. I loved this girl to death but she could really use a makeover. Perhaps in my spare time I could open a fashion house or something. Sure, I was no fashion designer but as my mother used to say about some people, their sense of taste was in their ass! Anything would be an improvement over the onesie.

  As usual we grabbed a magic pad to the main transport hub, did the elevator flip to the night side, and took another magic pad to the restaurant at the top of the night side. We entered the restaurant and the hostess led us to a table where Sly and his family were waiting. Fashionably late as usual.

  “We were wondering if you’d forgot about dinner. We’re you two busy with something else?” Sly snickered.

  “No. It’s my fault. I can’t tell time and Milly thinks I’m too stupid to learn.”

  “That’s not true. I don’t think …”

  Milly just started going on about, God knows what. I just started mocking her and mouthing the words “blah, blah, blah, blah, blah blah, blah” towards the children. Milly caught on to this and I was the recipient of a fairly powerful slap to the back of my head. The children seemed to enjoy this based on their laughter.

  “Owwww!”

  “Don’t be such an asshole Guerin!”

  “But it’s what I do baby.”

  Now the whole table burst out in laughter.

  “Did I miss something good?” Asked Sarah.

  “Hi Sarah. No. Everyone is just making fun of the monkey as usual.”

  “If you were my monkey Guerin, I’d treat you right.”

  “I bet you would.” I said with my devilish boy smile. “I might just have to take you up on that if Milly doesn’t start behaving.”

  “Really Guerin? Now you’re hitting on Sarah?”

  “She was flirting with me and it’s not the first time. I was just being polite and flirting back. I don’t want to offend her.” I said with a wicked smile and while I shrugged my shoulders.

  “Can I start everyone off with something to drink?”

  The kids ordered something I didn’t recognize and I asked them to explain. It was a blended fruit drink of some sort and I blurted out “You mean a smoothie?”

  “What’s that?”

  “It’s a fruit drink we have on Earth Nancy. I’ll have what they’re having Sarah.”

  “Are you serious Guerin?”

  “When in Rome Milly.”

  “And what does that mean?”

  “Just never mind. Bring the kids and me those smoothies, please Sarah, and get these fuddy dud adults some hemlock tea!”

  “Huh?”

  “Ignore him Sarah. His brain only functions part time and obviously, this is one of those down times. I’ll have a bourbon.”

  “So will I.” said Stella.

  “A Gluark for me.” Sly chimed in.

  As Sarah headed off for our drinks, Stella and Milly started some conversation which my being an asshole was the main point of.

  “I can teach you to tell time if you want Guerin.”

  “Of course you could Nancy. That’s because you’re my friend.” And I stuck my tongue out at Milly causing Sid and Nancy to laugh yet again. They were having fun and it made me happy.

  “I think raising a child might be easier Milly.”

  “Thanks Stella. Milly needed the help. And thanks, Sly, for helping your drinking buddy out here. I’ll remember that the next time you get sent to the dog house.”

  “Do I look stupid Guerin?”

  Sarah arrived with the drinks. “Here we go. Three smoothies for the kids and my favorite monkey,” she tossed in a sexy little wink for me, “bourbon for the ladies, and a Gluark for you Sly.”

  “Thanks Sarah.” Sly said, finally joining the party.

  “For tonight, Guerin, the chef will be preparing Sushi for you if that meets with your approval?”

  “It’s not really Sushi, is it?”

  “No. But you won’t be able to tell the difference. Trust me Guerin.”

  “Sounds good. I trust you Sarah since you’ve never lied to me.” And I gave Milly a dirty look.

  “Me too.” Sid cried out.

  “And me!” added Nancy.

  “You two know that Sushi is raw fish meat? Even though it’s not real Sushi you might not like it.”

  “When in Rome.” Sid added.

  “See Sarah. What is it with this universe where the kids know exactly what I’m talking about and the adults are clueless? Do you guys grow up in reverse or something?”

  “And what does it say Sarah, that our monkey relates to children better than adults?” Milly couldn’t resist that one I guess. We all laughed.

  “What about everyone else?” Sarah asked, ignoring Milly and me.

  “I’ll try that steak Guerin had last time.”

  “How do you want that cooked?”

  “However you prepared it for Guerin.”

  “Ladies?”

  And of course, they ordered something that sounded very fancy but was most probably nothing more than a salad. Sarah headed off to the kitchen to put our orders in.

  “Guerin and I were talking about the plans we have for him in his new job.”

  “So he accepted?”

  “Way to go Milly. Remind me to never tell you another secret. And I don’t think what we talked about can be called plans by any stretch of the imagination.”

  “You accepted Guerin?”

  “Can’t get anything passed you can we Stella?”

  “Yes, he has.” Milly added thinking she needed to clarify what I had just said.

  The cadets looked happy and I gave them a subtle revolution salute, raising my hand to my shoulder with my hand clinched in a fist. The kids responded in kind then we finished off with a couple of exploding fist bumps. I also taught them to make the proper slurping sounds when drinking their smoothies through a straw.

  “Guerin. I think I’ll have to insist your future visits with my children have an adult present to supervise.”

  “Ha, ha Stella. Very funny.”

  “So, as I was saying we were discussing our future plans. Guerin thinks were, quote, ‘winging it’. He even threatened to start a galactic war with one of the independent worlds, just to spice things up a bit for the book he’s writing.”

  Stella gave me a stern look and I just shrugged my shoulders and nodded my head to the side.

  “In my defense that’s bullshit, pardon my French children. I didn’t threaten to start a galactic war. I merely stated with a shit plan, like the one she shared with me, that it was likely I would start a galactic war. And the fact that it would help with the book sales is just a coincidence.”

  Luckily Sarah and crew arrived with our dinners and that conversation came to an end.

  The sushi was actually pretty good. The chef had created what looked like a tuna, hamachi and salmon roll. It was very well done, even if it wasn’t really fish. He had the soy sauce and wasabi down pat. The meal included white rice and
a very good miso soup. You could tell the chef was having fun recreating these dishes for me. I showed the two kids how to mix the soy sauce and wasabi into a dipping sauce.

  “So, comrades? What do you think of the sushi?”

  “I like it.” Sid responded.

  “Me too!” added Nancy.

  “And you Sly. Ready to come back to Earth and try the real thing?”

  “It’s actually very tasty but it’s not real meat you know. I don’t think I could handle the real thing.”

  We continued our meal with the odd conversation between bytes. Me and Sly talked about Milly’s half-baked plans while Stella and Milly continued to lament on how I couldn’t possibly be a bigger asshole.

  “Is everyone going to have desert tonight? We have chocolate soufflés.” Sarah asked.

  “Yes, I think everyone would enjoy that. Thank you.” Milly volunteered for everybody.

  “Would you like coffee with your desert Guerin?”

  “Of course.” And my two comrades responded with the usual me toos. I thought getting the kids hopped up on sugar and coffee would be the best revenge against Stella and her meddling ways.

  “I will try a coffee as well.” Added Sly.

  “And tea for the ladies?”

  “Yes, please Sarah.”

  “So Guerin, you’re writing a book? What’s it about?”

  “It’s sort of my memoirs of my time as a spaceman. You know the typical stuff. Getting abducted by blood sucking aliens, fighting them off, escaping back to Earth and saving humanity from the pending invasion.”

  “Oh really?”

  “Yes, it’s total bullshit if you ask me.”

  “Whatever Milly. Just because I can write a better story than you there’s no reason to be so jealous about it.”

  “He said he would have preferred to have been abducted and trained as a sex slave for some mythical Amazonian women, then be given the opportunity to be our emissary to Earth. It would have made a better story.”

  “I think Sly would agree, wouldn’t you Sly?”

  “Sure, if I had the choice.”

  “Really dear? We should talk about that later when we get back home. I’m sure the dog house is available.”