Child's Play: A Spaceman's Story

by Guerin Zand

  Sly shrugged his shoulders and finished his drink.

  “You weren’t abducted by blood sucking aliens Guerin.”

  “You’re just too young to see it Sid. Trust me, when you grow up you’ll understand I’m right.”

  Sarah brought out the deserts and the smiles on the children’s faces were magical. I showed them how to open up the center and pour in the chocolate sauce.

  “The chef wants to thank you for the chocolate soufflé recipe Guerin. Once the word got out we haven’t been able to keep up with demand. He wants to know if he can access your memory dumps for other recipes?”

  “Sure Sarah. I bet they’re already out in the public anyways. If you can’t find them I’m sure Milly has a personal copy.”

  “Yes, the kids have been going crazy all day when we told them where we were going for dinner. The news of this new desert has been spreading throughout the ship.”

  “And that’s how the revolution starts Stella. With a simple desert. I have a lot more tricks in my bag still.”

  “Do you like it Sid? Nancy?” I asked.

  “This is great!” Sid replied.

  “I like the coffee part best.”

  “Well in that case Nancy, I think you should probably have another cup of coffee to fully enjoy that desert. Maybe next time I’ll introduce you to an expresso or maybe a cappuccino.” Stella was so screwed and she had no idea what was in store for her.

  “I agree with Nancy. The desert really does go good with coffee.”

  “Yes Sly. Coffee and chocolate are a natural pair that always go great together. The ladies don’t know what they’re missing.”

  We all finished our deserts and managed to engage in non-insulting forms of conversation for the rest of the evening. The kids of course had two more cups of coffee trying to imitate me. It was getting late and Stella said they needed to get the kids back home for bedtime. I tried to keep from laughing too hard knowing that bedtime was several hours off in the future.

  The sugar and caffeine were already kicking in and the children were tugging on me begging me to come home with them and play. Stella was about at her wits end trying to coral them.

  “Guerin Zand! What have you done to my children!”

  “I don’t know what you’re talking about Stella. Remember, I’m the stupid one.”

  “This dinner was Stella’s idea wasn’t it Sly?”

  “Yes, it was. Why do you ask?”

  “Well then at least she can’t blame you. You owe me one big boy.”

  We all went off together to the transport area. The whole ride I kept winding up the kids playing around and doing stupid stuff. I was having a fun time and the fact Stella would be paying for it in the end just made it that much better.

  We split up once we got to the day side and Milly and I headed back to my room.

  “Ok Guerin. Just what did you do to the children?”

  “I don’t know what you’re talking about. All you adults were there the whole time supervising. What could I’ve possibly done that you wouldn’t have seen?”

  “Guerin?”

  “Is there a way we can forward any calls from Stella to an answering machine or something for the rest of the night?”

  “Tell me what you did!”

  “I just thought I’d teach Stella a little lesson.”

  “And what lesson is that exactly?”

  “Don’t fuck with this monkey!”

  “Guerin Zand you are such an asshole!”

  “You’d be disappointed if I wasn’t.”

  Chapter 26

  One Pissed Off Lizard

  Milly must have been tired when we got back because she went right to sleep. The next morning, we woke up, showered and got dressed without any hanky-panky. She must have been worn out from the previous day’s antics. I figured I’d be nice and give her a break.

  There was a loud knock at the door and I opened it. It was Stella and she looked a little tired. She also looked quite pissed-off.

  “Mr. Zand,” I knew it wasn’t good when she called me Mr. Zand, “Just exactly what is your problem?”

  “What are you talking about Stella?” Yes, I went back to old faithful, playing dumb.

  “Don’t even try your little innocent act on me. That may work on Milly but it isn’t going to help you with me. I just got the kids to bed a few hours ago thanks to you and they’ll miss their classes today because of your little stunt.”

  “I didn’t pull any stunt. Sure, maybe I should have warned you that sugar and coffee might keep the kids up all night but I thought I was the dumb one. I figured every parent knew that.”

  “You didn’t warn us on purpose. You knew that we weren’t familiar with those foods.”

  “So, your accusing me of being like a, let’s see it’s on the tip of my tongue now. Oh, I got it. Your accusing me of being like a Bree?” I couldn’t help but smiling.

  “I don’t think drugging my children is a laughing matter Mr. Zand.”

  “Oh, please Stella. I think drugging is a bit of an over exaggeration. Shit, when I was a lot younger than those two my great-aunt would give me cookies and all the expresso I could drink. I’m sure your children’s body handled a little extra energy just fine. Besides if the children were in any danger I’m sure the restaurant staff would have said something. I’m sure they’re aware of what the foods contained even if you weren’t. I don’t see you yelling at them.”

  “That’s beside the point Guerin. You should have stopped them or at least warned us.”

  “Well I believe that the three adults in the room, who were supervising us kids, should have known better. Isn’t that what you aliens always seem so eager to remind me?”

  “Milly, will you please explain to this asshole that what he did was wrong?”

  “Hold on Stella. At most it was an innocent little prank. It’s not like I messed with their genetics or altered their physical beings permanently. I mean something like that would be upsetting, right?”

  “I can’t …”

  “Let’s just be honest for a second here Stella. Your kids had the time of their life last night. The only one who suffered at all was probably you and Sly, and I’ll apologize to Sly for that later. You’re just pissed that you didn’t get any sleep and that this stupid monkey pulled one over on you right in front of your all-knowing self.”

  “So, you’ll apologize to Sly but not me?”

  “No. I’ll say I’m sorry if that makes you feel better.”

  “What have I done to you Guerin that would cause you to do something like this?”

  “Other than calling me a child, or stupid, or asshole or, hmm. Did I miss anything Milly?”

  Milly was staying out of this. I’m pretty sure she was enjoying this. Seeing another woman abuse her man. Most women like that, right?

  “So that’s it. Because I have a little fun with you occasionally you have taken a dislike to me?”

  “Wrong again Stella. I like you, and your family. I consider you all my friends. I thought that was obvious. I was just, how did you say, having a little fun with you and I really think you’re blowing this way out of proportion.”

  “I’m what?”

  “Blowing it out of proportion Stella. You think I’ve never pulled the same stunt on my human friends? Well I have. Most of them may get a bit upset but not enough that they won’t ask if they can leave their kids with me the next time they want a night out. I’ll bet the next time your kids ask to hang out with me you will be more than glad to pawn them off on me for the day.”

  “How can you possibly put up with his shit Milly?”

  Milly had by now figured all questions aimed at her were simply rhetorical and did not even bother to react.

  “Should we kiss and make up now Stella, or have you been practicing this little rant for a while and have a need to keep yelling at me for a bit longer?”

  “ARGGGGGGG!”

  “I know it’s frustrating having to admit a man might be rig
ht. Don’t feel bad. Milly has the same problem. I think it’s a universal norm for all women.”

  “If it weren’t against my nature I would simply strangle your smartass right here and now Guerin.”

  “I was hoping for a more original response Stella. I’m sort of disappointed.”

  “I just don’t understand you Guerin.”

  “Finally! Someone is willing to admit it. Thank you.”

  “So, you’re not sorry in the slightest, are you?”

  “I’m sorry Stella. I didn’t mean to get you this worked up. I promise I won’t do it again, really. Should I get on my knees and lick your big toe or something? I’m not sure what the customs are in a case like this you know.”

  “Oh, Mr. Zand. You obviously have forgotten my earlier warning. I’m a vengeful woman, the likes of which your little monkey mind cannot fathom.”

  “So, I guess I was wrong? You want to continue our little sparring matches? I thought maybe you’d like to declare a truce.”

  “Are you serious? A truce? Oh no. I look forward to wiping the floor with your sorry ass. Game on Mr. Zand”

  “I’m looking forward to it Stella.” I said with a giant smile. Stella was also sporting a shit eating grin at this point. “Remember originality counts. And if I’m not mistaken this makes the score, monkey 1, uber-intelligent space babe 0.”

  “I will talk to you later Milly. Mr. Zand, you can watch your back but I promise you won’t see me coming next time.”

  As Stella started toward the door I mouthed a kiss in her direction. She shook her head and left.

  “Really Guerin do you think that was wise?”

  “Oh, not you too Milly. Can’t a monkey have a little fun?”

  “I don’t think Stella is planning on you having a little fun.”

  “Look. I have three days left on this boring ship. I need something to do and if Stella wants to play, what’s the harm.”

  “Just don’t come to me crying when Stella hands you your ass!”

  “Will you at least kiss my booboos and make them all better afterwards?”

  I grabbed Milly and dragged her out for a late breakfast / brunch. When we finished eating a got out my iPad and started to add the latest events. With Stella’s threats, I might just have something interesting to help with the book sales.

  “Are you working on that stupid book again Guerin?”

  “Stella and now you Milly? Why do you always have to put me down like that? You couldn’t resist adding the little stupid bit? Does everybody think everything I do or say is stupid?”

  “Is that why you pulled that little stunt on Stella?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Did you feel a need to do something that stupid just to prove everyone is right?”

  “Thanks for answering my question Milly. Look, if you think I’m such a stupid asshole then what are you doing with me? Don’t even bother answering. I’m going back to my room to work on my stupid little book. You can come and keep me company or go do whatever.”

  “Guerin, you know I don’t think you’re a stupid asshole. You just don’t seem to take anything serious sometimes.”

  “I am serious about things Milly. It doesn’t mean I can’t have fun as well. You people don’t seem to be able to get past boring at times. Is this a result of living for so long? If that’s the case then kill me now because I never want to become like that.”

  “I’m sorry. So, what’s the latest in the book? Did our adventures the other day make it in?”

  “Yes. I mentioned our time together yesterday. I didn’t really get too explicit. It’s just not that appropriate for this type of book. I did just add the part of the giant lizard lady who is hell bent on my demise though. I think that story line is promising. It could really help with sales.”

  “Come on Guerin. I’ll keep you company while you work on your book. And I was wrong. You are a stupid asshole.” And she bopped me on the back of my head.

  “I love you too Milly.” And I batted my little pathetic monkey eyes at her.

  “I’m not falling for that sad little boy act Guerin. You’re going to have to do better if you want to ever get me back in your bed.”

  I just smiled and waggled my eyebrows in my most sexy way. Maybe she was mad at me. Could that be the reason we hadn’t had sex that day? No. She was probably just a little worn out from the other day.

  Chapter 27

  My First Assignment

  Aka “The Little Trogan Incident”

  The next morning Milly woke me up. “Get up. The committee wants to see us. Somethings up.”

  “Ok let me get a shower and some coffee in me. Any chance for breakfast first?”

  “We don’t have time for breakfast. We’ll get something later.”

  So I took a quick shower, alone again, and gulped down a coffee. Without coffee and a shower, I would be useless and I pointed this out to Milly as she tried to rush me out the door.

  We headed down to a building in the lower levels of the city center which I had never been to before. Milly explained this is where the committee had their offices and where she normally worked.

  We entered what could only be described as a conference room and there were all the other committee members and Julie. The fact that Julie was there already told me that this was probably not anywhere I wanted to be.

  “The Trogan empire has found out about Guerin’s little visit and are demanding to speak to the human. They insist we should have notified them of this contact and that they have a right to present their views to the humans before any formal agreements are made between Guerin and the Collective.”

  “Would you mind cluing this human in as to who these Trogans are Julie?”

  “They’re an independent alliance of worlds in systems that are probably the closest intelligent neighbors to Earth. As such they believe that any first contact with Earth should have been discussed with them.”

  “We plan to send you and one committee member to meet with their representative, Heesa Deuce Baghan.”

  “Are you asking me or telling me Julie?”

  “We’re asking you to do this Guerin. You can refuse if you want, since you haven’t formally accepted the Collective’s offer.”

  “In that case, I’ll go if Bart will accompany me. That’s not negotiable and a please would be appreciated.”

  “Please Guerin? Is that better?”

  “Yes, it is.”

  “Why Bart?” Milly asked.

  “Yes, why me?”

  “Because Bart is the scariest and toughest looking member of the committee. The intimidation factor might help. They sound like a pushy little bunch of aliens. Can I bring my gun?”

  “NO!” The whole group shouted at me in unison.

  Julie, Bart and the rest of the committee agreed and then Julie proceeded to give me as little background information as they could, which as we all know was pretty much nothing.

  Thirteen hours later Bart, me and a couple of Trogan slave girls came back aboard the shuttle S.S. Minnow.

  “Well that went pretty well wouldn’t you say Bart?”

  “That’s one way to look at it.”

  “Hey Sammy, if you wouldn’t mind holding any calls from the committee, me and Bart need to debrief before we get back. We’ll talk to the committee when we’re back at the main ship. If they give you any hassle tell them I am not going to change my mind.”

  “Sure thing Guerin. We should be back on the main ship in less than two hours.”

  “Thanks Sammy.” And Sammy headed back to the control center to fly the shuttle back home, if flying is the right word. Still a lot of vocabulary needed work. The whole main ship designation still bothered me as well but the morons used some numeric designation that was longer than I cared to memorize.

  I told Bart to take the ladies to the cafeteria area and I would join them in a few minutes. I headed back to my old cabin on the Minnow and looked in my overhead. There I found the half empty bottle of Pa
ppy’s I’d left there still waiting for me so I grabbed it and headed to meet the others.

  “Bart, ladies would you care to join me in a drink.” They all seemed happy to accept.

  “Just how do you plan on explaining your new slave girls to the committee Guerin? Especially Milly. I can’t wait for that.” Bart inquired while we all sipped our beverages.

  “Just enjoy your drink Bart and don’t worry about the committee, or Milly. I’ll handle them. I just need you to back me up every now and then with a simple nod of your head. Don’t worry. I won’t toss you under the bus.”

  “What does that mean Guerin?”

  “It means I’ll take all the heat, don’t worry. Just enjoy the show.”

  “Oh, I will Guerin. I will. I just want to say, while I still have the chance, I am glad you picked me to join you on this trip. This will be one of the best drinking stories on the ship for some time to come.”

  Bart smiled and chuckled and I gave him an evil smile back. Yes, this should be fun. We all enjoyed our drinks and the ladies felt compelled to give me and Bart what, I would have to say, was one of the best shoulder massages I’ve ever experienced.

  True to his word, Sammy got us back within the two hours he had promised. When we docked, he came to meet the group and told me the committee was assembled and expected me to report immediately. I just thought to myself this job was pretty much the same shit as all the other jobs I’ve had.

  “If you wouldn’t mind entertaining the ladies for a while Sammy I’d really appreciate it. We’ll have the committee send someone down to get them squared away as soon as possible. Until then enjoy yourself. They’re a couple of very nice girls. I’m sure it’ll be fun. I wish I could stay here with you.” Me an Bart headed off to meet the committee.

  Bart and I entered the conference room to find a bunch of sourpusses waiting anxiously. This was going to be a tough crowd but I’ve had worse. Julie had a little smile on her face. She of course was looking forward to my inquisition. Not unexpected at all.