Child's Play: A Spaceman's Story

by Guerin Zand

  “Hey guys. What’s up?”

  “You appear to be rather pleased with yourself Guerin. Would you mind taking a seat and explaining exactly what the hell you were thinking. First, we would like your permission to dump your memories for the record. Please.”

  “Well seeing as how you asked so nicely Julie I’d be glad to submit to a memory dump. Just I’d prefer someone other than you perform the deed.”

  It only took a few seconds and they were ready to start.

  “So please explain what happened as we follow along.” Julie directed.

  The viewer brought up a hologram of the room on the Trogan planet where I met with Heesa Deuce Baghan. You could see me, Bart and Heesa, a few guards in the room along with the two slave girls who were standing behind Heesa. Heesa was seated at the head of the table and I was to his left. Bart was at the other end of the table looking as disinterested as possible. The guards were standing behind Heesa with weapons.

  The planet Trogan was a smaller planet than Earth and thus was a lower gravity world with about sixty-five percent of Earth’s gravity, if Julie’s briefing was right. Of course, no one had bothered to train me for such an environment and my first step on the planet, which was indoors, resulted in my jumping my head into the ceiling. Bart of course found this amusing.

  The Trogans, who were very similar to humans, were taller than most humans, standing around six and half feet or so. I was six feet four so they weren’t much taller than me. They had slender bodies with long and narrow heads. They had a little tuft of hair on top. It reminded me of those troll dolls that used to be so popular. You know the ones with the fluorescent tufts of hair on top. A lot of punk rockers also tried to imitate that look back in the days. Heesa’s and the guard’s hair color was not fluorescent though but more of a dirty blonde.

  The slave girls didn’t look to be Trogan, unless the females looked that different. They appeared to be another race very close to humans except the ears were a little pointier. As one would expect for a couple of slave girls they were really hot and probably eager to please from the looks of their attire.

  “So, you’re the little Earth monkey Guerin Zand?” Heesa had started off with the usual alien personal insults as a greeting which I had come to expect from arrogant shit bag aliens.

  “Why yes I am.”

  I paused the recording.

  “Right off this shit bird starts off insulting me. No pleasantries or even an offer of a tasty beverage. Obviously, I’m used to this sort of treatment when meeting new aliens so I didn’t take any offence. Right Bart?” and Bart nodded. “I assume you aliens just like to greet new races in a way you think will make them feel at home.” And I continued the recording.

  “Are all Earth monkeys as stupid as you are or are you an exceptionally stupid example of what passes for intelligent life on Earth?”

  “I’m sorry Heesa but is that a rhetorical question, or are you actually expecting me to answer that?”

  “Don’t toy with me human. I am not some Bree lackey that your used to dealing with.”

  “Are you calling Bart a Bree lackey? I know I may be new to this whole alien encounter business but I sure wouldn’t ever say something like that about Bart. He’s not someone I’d want to offend from the looks of him.”

  I paused the recording.

  “As you can see the arrogant fuck wad was really not trying to make any friends but I was trying to be diplomatic and diffuse what was obviously becoming a hostile encounter.”

  I resumed the recording.

  “Don’t ask me to believe that you’re not just another Bree puppet Mr. Zand. You arrive here on a Bree ship with a member of the Collective to make sure you don’t step out of line. Do you think the Trogans are that stupid?”

  “I don’t have any idea what you believe or how stupid you are. As for arriving on a Bree ship what did you expect? I don’t have my own personal ship I could have used and the Collective was nice enough to loan me one of theirs. If you had sent a ship for me, I’d have gladly accepted the ride. As for Bart. He’s not my minder, he’s a drinking buddy, and I thought he would enjoy a break from the normal daily grind. He actually enjoys watching me step out of line.”

  “That’s a Bree ship and not one of the Collective’s. Don’t tell me you didn’t know that.”

  “Again, I’m at a bit of a disadvantage here. I’m new here and I haven’t had the time to look up Jane’s Galactic to see what ships belong to what worlds. They all look pretty much the same to me at this point. But if you say it’s a Bree ship I’ll take your word for it.”

  “Aren’t you just the witty little monkey. I suppose the Bree haven’t made you an offer to join them, or should I say serve them?”

  “Now that’s a bit of a sticking point I have with the Collective. They’ve asked for me to help them out, a job if you can believe that, but I wouldn’t say they’ve made me an offer. I tried to explain to them I would expect some form of generous compensation for my services but, as of yet, they’ve made no such offer.”

  “So, you are still open to other offers?”

  “Well that’s how it works right. I’ll take all offers into consideration before I jump into anything.”

  “Excuse me then. I seem to have forgotten my manners. Ladies please offer our guests some hospitality. Perhaps a drink? Something to eat? These are two of the most capable slave girls in the empire. If there is anything you’d like Mr. Zand they’ll gladly see to it.”

  “Slaves you say?”

  “You have a problem with slaves Mr. Zand?”

  “Well, that depends on which one of us is the slave you might say.”

  “I see there is something we can agree on.”

  Heesa signaled to the two well-shaped and scantily dressed slave girls and they walked over behind me and each put a hand on one of my shoulders. The same position that they had been in with Heesa. I can’t say this really bothered me.

  “I actually don’t need anything right now, but thanks anyways.”

  “Well perhaps you will have the need later. Please accept these two as an offer of friendship.”

  I paused the recording.

  “So that’s how I ended up with the two slave girls. Not like I asked for them, but where I come from refusing a gift from your host is just plain bad manners. I think you’ll find that lesson in any course on diplomatic relations on Earth. Besides I figured these girls would be far better off with me than that fucking troll asshole.”

  “So exactly what are your plans for your new gifts Guerin?” Milly of course was the one who needed this explained. Everyone else probably already had a pretty good idea what I had in mind.

  “Oh, please Milly! You pervs need to get your filthy little minds out of the gutter. I left them with Sammy to entertain until the committee could get the situation squared away. Right Bart?”

  Bart nodded in agreement.

  “I have no intention of keeping slave girls, no matter how much fun that sounds like. I’d assume you’re all against slavery?”

  “Of course we are Guerin.” Replied Julie.

  “So, I assume you’ll get them back home to their families, or arrange for a home somewhere where they can live free of those Trogan idiots. I just want to point out that this offer made me dislike this asshole Heesa even more.”

  “We’ll take care of them. I promise Guerin. They won’t be anyone’s slaves anymore.”

  “Thanks Milly. I figured you’d know what to do.” I was kind of hoping the two girls would be very appreciative of our intentions and that maybe Milly, me and the two girls might spend some quality time together still. I was only thinking of future book sales of course.

  “So, as you see, I started out by doing my good deed for the day.”

  The looks I got from the crowd seemed to be that of disbelief. Was it so hard to believe I just wanted to do something good for someone else?

  I resumed the recording.

  “You should know that the Bree will decei
ve you. They’ll only tell you half-truths. They’ll make promises they won’t keep and they’ll simply use you humans. They have no intention of including the Earth in the Collective.”

  “I know they’re deceptive, sure. You’d have to be an idiot to miss that. They haven’t made me any promises and we have never discussed Earth joining the Collective. All we have discussed is my representing them on Earth and they haven’t even been real clear on what that means. Thus, my hesitation to agree to their deal.”

  “That is how they work don’t you see? They’ll remain vague until after you agree. Then the price will become obvious. What they want is to, as I believe you would say, get their foot in the door. Once that happens they’ll start to dictate their demands to Earth. Your world will have to live by their rules. Rules many of the independent worlds have rejected. Earth will become nothing more than one of their satellites.”

  “It’s true, they don’t tell me shit and that is one of the sticking points in our relationship. I don’t really trust them but so far they have been pretty nice to me.”

  “Let me guess. A very attractive young woman has been assigned to try and convince you?”

  Again, I paused the recording.

  “So Milly, any comment on this? Seems your abduction skills are well known in this universe. Is he referring to you specifically or are there a lot of hot space babes out there abducting men?"

  “I have no idea what he’s talking about Guerin.”

  “Yea. That’s what I thought.”

  I resumed the playback.

  “Yes, sort of. I mean there are a few women who are trying to convince me and a few men as well. That’s not such a terrible thing, is it?”

  “You said earlier you had a problem with being a slave Mr. Zand, but that is exactly what you’ll be if you fall for that ruse. We’ve seen this happen before.”

  “But haven’t you just used these two ladies to try and persuade me as well?”

  “Oh no, Mr. Zand. As I said, they’re simply a gift. They’re yours to keep, regardless if you accept our offer or not. They will not try to persuade you to do anything. That is the difference between us and the Bree.”

  At this point the old Star Trek episodes about the green Orion slave girls popped into my head. What if these ladies were really the ones in charge and the men were their slaves? They were extremely attractive and capable of distracting any red-blooded man. If I took them back would they use sex to twist my mind? God, I hoped so!

  “So, what is it that you want? You have been trying to convince me that trusting the Collective is not a good thing but exactly why do you care?”

  “We simply want to help humans avoid this trap. We can help you with many things. We can provide you with technology that the Bree will only promise you. They won’t deliver on their promises, but we will. We are the closest stellar neighbors to Earth and the Bree want to claim that area and deny us access. We are more like you then the Bree.”

  “I may be confused here but don’t the Bree already have access to our system?”

  “Only because no one can stop them. If you were to join with the Trogan empire we would have access and the Bree would have to respect that and leave your system. We can rid Earth of Bree interference.”

  “Why would the Bree relinquish access to our system if, as you said, no one could stop them? Seems to me we would then have two groups of aliens interfering with Earth.”

  “The Bree do not force themselves on worlds. That would make it hard for them to pretend to be so benevolent. Once a world chooses to be independent of the Bree they leave those systems alone. They would still interfere with Earth interests outside your system though. That is why Earth needs us as their allies. That is what I am proposing Mr. Zand. An alliance between the Trogan worlds and Earth. The Bree will never see Earth as an ally. You’ll just be another of their many territories.”

  This shit brain must really have thought I was stupid. I guess I was used to that. He thought by giving me a couple of second hand slave girls and a tasty beverage he could persuade me to see things his way. Really? Like I was that easy.

  Even a dumb monkey could figure out if these people had slaves that the slaves had to come from somewhere, right? As I said, these girls didn’t look Trogan so I would bet they came from a world with a population even dumber than us monkeys. He was just like all the other aliens I’d met. They all underestimated me and I wasn’t going to do anything to change that. I could play dumb.

  “You really haven’t given me a good reason to even consider an alliance with the Trogan worlds. As I have told the Collective, I would prefer if all you aliens would just leave us alone. We have it pretty nice on Earth and why would we want to change that? Sure, the technology is tempting but we’ll get there on our own eventually. We’re in no rush. Agreeing to your alliance would require a commitment from Earth and I can’t make such a commitment for all Earth. The Collective is not asking for anything from Earth. They’re only asking for a commitment from me.”

  “Perhaps then you are the wrong human for me to be speaking with?”

  “Feel free to talk to other humans if that helps, but they’ll also do not have the authority to make such an agreement.”

  “So again, you’re attempting to play dumb with me Mr. Zand? You know very well we have no access to Earth.”

  “Well, if you ask the members of the Collective, they’ll tell you I don’t have to play dumb, right Bart?”

  And Bart nodded in the affirmative with a pretty big shit eating grin on his face. I was sure he was enjoying this.

  “That’s why I think they sent me here without telling me a damn thing about what I was going to be doing. For all I knew, they just wanted me to meet you since you had requested it. I had no idea that you would make me any offer or that all this political stuff between you and the Collective was at issue.”

  “So, you think this is a joke Mr. Zand?”

  “I think everything that has happened to me since the Collective abducted me from Earth is a big fucking joke, not just this, Heesa. And I always appear to be the brunt of that joke. For all I know this is just another stupid test for me thought up by the Collective. I do my best not to take these things personal since it doesn’t seem to make any difference. I just go along with it and let them have their laughs.”

  I paused the recording.

  “As you can see at this point I have nothing left but the truth. Thanks to all of your normally helpful prep work I was winging it this whole time in case you hadn’t noticed.”

  “Why didn’t you just end the meeting at this point and return to your shuttle?” Julie asked.

  “Well that would have been rude, wouldn’t it? I was trying to not be rude since I didn’t think that would help.”

  I continued the recording.

  “If you want to counter the Collective’s offer than it would be for my services only. I’ll tell you the same thing I told them. I need an offer in writing stating my salary, expense budgets, benefits package and a specific list of duties I would be expected to perform. Then I’ll weigh your offer against theirs and get back to you with my answer. That’s the best I can do.”

  At this point Heesa stood, leaned over and got into my face. His pointed finger poking my chest.

  “So, I was right at the start. You are just another one of their puppets sent here to insult me!”

  I paused the recording.

  “As you can all see at this point Heesa has invaded my personal safe space and actually laid his hands on me in anger. Also”, At this point I zoomed the image in closer to my face and Heesa’s mouth. “you can see the spittle flying from his disgusting little mouth and spraying in my face. As foul as this assholes’s breath was I could only imagine what version of the plague his spittle contained.”

  I resumed the recording.

  I slid my chair back to get out of the deadly sprays range and raised both of my hands.

  “You need to back the fuck off! I’m not going to si
t here and put up with your shit.”

  I paused the recording.

  “You asked earlier why I didn’t just get up and leave. As you can see I moved away, raised both hands to show I had no intention of getting into a physical altercation and was preparing to leave at this point.”

  “You don’t think your response was confrontational?”

  “Not where I come from Julie. I was simply being as clear and firm as I could that I wanted this to stop.”

  I continued the recording.

  Heesa just moved in closer and proceeded to poke his finger in my chest again. My retreat was met with further advances. This had to be obvious to the committee.

  “OR WHAT! Do you think that little Bree cunt, with her hand up your ass, is going to do something to protect you? That whore has set you up stupid monkey.”

  I don’t know exactly what caused my response. Was it the fact he called Milly a cunt and a whore, he could have been talking about Julie. Maybe that he called me a stupid monkey, or that his finger was still in my chest and the spittle continued to paste my face like the money shot from a cheap porn. Was it all the above on top of my other anger issues that had been building up? Whatever it was I lost it.

  As I stood up I pushed Heesa back with my right hand, removing his finger from my chest. He immediately moved towards me again, my right arm still extended to hold him back, and then my left hand came across and bitch-slapped this troll mother fucker with the back of my hand. The lighter gravity and the light weight of my opponent hadn’t really factored into my thinking and the force of the slap lifted Heesa off the ground and slammed him into the wall. Not stopping, I advanced on his dazed body lying on the floor in an instant and put the bottom of my boot on his chest holding him in place.

  “Listen you little cock sucker. Nobody has their hand up my ass. I’ve been very careful to avoid just such a thing from happening.” Now why I said that I can’t say. In situations like this one’s brain is primarily focused at the task at hand and there is very little of the brain available for talking. It’s like when you say, “I love you”, to a woman during sex and you really didn’t mean it. It’s just the only words your brain could get out of your mouth.