Double Pleasure, Double Pain

by Nikki Rashan

  I stayed inside until I felt her rush over my fingers and heard her screams of delight as her body twitched under mine.

  She turned over and released my fingers. I stared into her flushed face and put my fingers in my mouth, tasting her sweetness. I took her in my arms and hugged her tightly. For the first time ever, my spirit felt freed.

  10

  Jeff and I walked through the crowded, brightly-lit mall surrounded by Christmas trees draped in red and gold garland with shining white lights. A long line of anxiously waiting children stood to tell Santa if they had been good or bad, while their parents stood close by with cameras and camcorders. “White Christmas” and “Silent Night” replaced the usual elevator music heard as we ventured in and out of stores. Bells could be heard as men and women from the Salvation Army stood with their money bins, hoping for donations.

  I’d normally be among the throngs of people crowding the malls and department stores the day after Thanksgiving, but of course I was occupied at that time. The remainder of my trip with Steph had been pure romantic bliss. We’d spent hours on the beach, walking and talking and stealing kisses whenever we could. Evenings were spent getting dressed up for candlelit dinners under the stars while listening to light jazz played by live bands. Each night we spent hours making love, wishing time could stand still and we could hold each other forever. Thoughts of home, school, and Jeff were cast aside; our entire focus was on one another.

  David had met us at the airport and took Stephanie to her mom’s house before driving me home. He looked refreshed from his weekend stay in Miami with John, an old flame of his that moved to Orlando after stirring up controversy in the city for having an affair with a married judge. The judge, last I heard, left the wife and kids behind and headed to good old San Francisco for a new life.

  “Honey girl, what are you going to do?” David asked me after seeing the pained look on my face when I had to say good-bye to Steph.

  “David,” I said, trying not to cry, “I’ve just spent the best weekend of my life with one of the most wonderful people I’ve ever met. I have no idea what I’m going to do.”

  He grabbed my hand and held it. “Whatever you do, Ky, make sure you’re able to be happy with your decision. You are the most important person that has to live with the decision for the rest of your life. I’m by your side either way, but I don’t want you to regret anything you decide to do.”

  I squeezed his hand and kissed it. “I knew I could count on you, David,” I said.

  We spent the rest of the ride corroborating our stories. Hopefully our trip would no longer be the main topic of conversation by the next family gathering at Christmas. I couldn’t stomach the thought of standing in front of the entire family recounting fables of a trip that never occurred. At least the way they believed it to be.

  “What are you going to buy Yvonne this year?” Jeff asked, bringing me back to the moment.

  “Well, now that she’s getting a little booty on a regular basis, I’m going to get her a set of sexy pajamas. That way it will be a gift for her and Byron.”

  “I don’t know if I want to be a part of that shopping selection,” he said jokingly. “I’ll leave that visual alone. Who else can we focus on today?”

  “Let’s do your shopping,” I offered. “I’ll do mine at the store next week.”

  Jeff headed straight for RadioShack, knowing he could do most of his shopping in that one store. He picked out a two-way pager for his brother, a cell phone and carrying case for his mom, and a digital camera for his dad. He didn’t have any nieces or nephews yet, so that pretty much summed up his Christmas shopping.

  “What about me?” I asked, batting my eyes. I was trying so hard to remain my usual self with him, but it had gotten difficult.

  He grinned. “I already took care of you, babe. While you were gone getting tan in the sun, I got your Christmas gift.”

  Great. I didn’t ask any more questions.

  It was nearing seven o’clock and, even though we were tired from walking, we decided to head downtown to Winterfest for ice-skating. It was the first weekend in December and my only Saturday off until the thirty-first, so I wanted to take advantage of the free time.

  The rink was so brightly lit that it hardly seemed dark outside. There were a few pros on the rink, dressed in flared miniskirts with matching sweaters and hats, skating on one leg, the other gracefully holding its position in the air behind them. Most people were like me and Jeff, though. We knew how to ice-skate cautiously without falling down. But then there were those that I feared: the few that skated, slid, lost control, and fell. I avoided those people the way you run from a bee to avoid getting stung.

  We skated around and around, laughing and holding hands, as our noses turned red in the cold night air. When we broke for hot chocolate, I heard a young voice call my name.

  “Kyla!”

  I turned around and saw a handsome little face blushing at me a few feet away. His mom suddenly jerked her head in my direction with widened eyes. I stared into the face I had been longing for the entire week.

  Jaron ran over to me and wrapped his arms around my waist. I hugged him back.

  “Hello, mister! I’ve missed you!” I said to him.

  He smiled at the floor and didn’t seem to know what to say. Then he remembered something. So did I. And so did Steph, all at the same time. She came running up behind him.

  “How was the Bahamas? My mom said—”

  “Hey, Jeff. Hey, girl,” Steph interrupted. “Fancy meeting you here.”

  My body burned with fear. I stood frozen, unable to respond. I may as well have had guilty blaring in block red letters across my forehead.

  Jeff glanced at me, staring into my cup of hot chocolate. “Hi, Stephanie. How have you been?” he asked her.

  “Fine, thanks.” She turned to Jaron. “Jaron, go finish putting your skates on. I’ll be there in a minute.”

  Jaron waved at me and Jeff and went back to his bench. Would Jeff notice her tanned golden brown skin also? I was so glad she had taken her braids down, allowing her hair to fall into long, kinky waves.

  “It’s just the two of you?” Jeff asked.

  “Yes, just me and my boy,” she said.

  I could feel her eyes look in my direction, but I was still mesmerized by the steam drifting up from my styrofoam cup.

  “No date tonight either? Don’t tell me Ms. Matchmaker hasn’t tried to set you up yet,” Jeff kidded. He put his arm around my shoulder and tried to shake me alive. I just wanted to sink into the floor.

  “No, she knows better than that.” Steph tried to joke back, but it came out a little too serious.

  An awkward silence followed.

  “Well, I’m going to hit the rink. Are you leaving?” she asked, almost hopefully.

  “I’m ready,” I finally said to some spot on the wall over Stephanie’s shoulder.

  Jeff looked at me, confused. “All righty, then. Take care, Steph,” he said.

  “See you,” she said.

  I managed to lift my feet from their nailed positions on the floor.

  “Are you okay?” Jeff asked once we were inside his new Toyota Sequoia.

  “Uh-huh,” I lied.

  He sighed, knowing I was holding something in as usual. Only, this time, I knew he couldn’t even begin to imagine what it was.

  “Did you two have a falling-out or something?” he pressed.

  “No, not at all. You know Steph is cool.” I couldn’t even think of a legitimate reason for treating her like a stranger.

  “Then why are you acting like you’ve just seen a ghost?”

  “I don’t know. I mean, I just don’t feel well all of the sudden.” Now that wasn’t a lie.

  “You want me to take you home?”

  “Yes, please.”

  I stared out of the window, not liking the way I was feeling inside. Stephanie and David were right. I couldn’t do this. I couldn’t live two lives.

  Four months ago I h
ad a boyfriend that loved me inside out. And I still did. But at this moment, I no longer felt the same way he did. Now I had to put forth effort to focus on him and only him when we were together. Now I had to concentrate on his face and his lips when he kissed me.

  I avoided making love with him all week because I wanted Steph’s touch and Steph’s kisses to linger on my skin and in my memories.

  I didn’t know how much longer he would go without feeling insecure or suspicious. The last thing I wanted to do was insult his masculinity. But was I able to move past Stephanie and pretend like she never happened and my feelings for her never surfaced? Could I walk away from the craving in my heart that yearned for her whenever we were apart? If I chose her, could I handle the scrutiny I would endure if I entered a relationship with a woman and became the parent of a child in a lesbian relationship? So many questions swam through my head in thunderous waves, forcing me to take way more Advil than the recommended dosage.

  Jeff parked his truck outside my apartment and turned off the engine. I sensed he wanted to come inside. I grabbed my purse and looked at him, hoping my face wouldn’t reveal my thoughts. I tipped my head sideways, inviting him in.

  I wasn’t in the mood for him to kiss me, caress me, or even try to please me. I wanted him to do what he had to do and leave me to my thoughts. He gave up on foreplay, once he realized I wasn’t responding to his efforts. He took longer than usual to finish the job. Probably because I laid there, motionless, tensing up with every stroke.

  “Mmm, Kyla, I love you,” he shouted as he came.

  I stared at my ceiling fan, waiting for him to get off of me.

  “Are you sure you’re all right?” he asked after rolling over to his side of my bed.

  “I said I wasn’t feeling well,” I snapped. I didn’t mean to, but I couldn’t help it.

  “It’s more than that, Ky,” he said, sitting up on his elbow. “You’ve seemed so far away the last few days. When I talk to you it seems like you’re only half listening. You look at me like you’re looking right through me at something behind me. Did I do something?”

  He was taking my coldness toward him and blaming it on himself. I should have known all he would think was that he had done something wrong. I wanted to convince him that it wasn’t him, that it was me, but how could I do that without telling on myself?

  “I’m sorry, Jeff. I have a lot on my mind with the end of the semester coming up and Christmas and work hours. I feel a little stressed.” That was the understatement of the year.

  He wrapped his arms around me with his wet penis pressed against my hip.

  “Don’t wear yourself out, Ky. Maybe you should take the next semester off and take a break.”

  “Jeff, I’ve been in school too many years as it is,” I said defensively. “Now that I found a career I want to pursue, I don’t have any time to waste!” My voice cracked, displaying my frustration.

  “Okay, okay, it was just a suggestion. Damn.”

  He let me go, irritated by my attitude. We both got up at the same time to go shower, but once he noticed my movement, he laid back down and turned his back.

  I lingered in the hot shower, wondering what Stephanie was doing. Was she angry with me? Or was she hurt by seeing Jeff and me together? She must think I’m such a slut. Or maybe I felt like one at that moment. These thoughts tortured my brain and settled on my heart, weighing it down like a ton of bricks. I let the water run down my face to wash my tears down the drain before getting into bed with the man I used to believe could love me like no one else.

  For the first time since I couldn’t even remember when, I skipped my Monday-morning workout. Instead of exercising and energizing myself for the week, I stayed in bed, sleeping, believing the extra sleep would help me for the busy days that lay ahead of me. Deep inside I knew I just didn’t want to look Tori and Vanessa in their eyes and lie to them about the adventures of my trip.

  I looked out of the window when I finally rolled out of bed. The weatherman’s prediction was correct for once. A blanket of sparkling snow lay across the ground. Just what I needed on an already sluggish Monday morning. I picked up my receiver and turned the ringer back on. I didn’t even bother to check my messages. I could already hear Tori and Vanessa yelling into my voice mail asking where in the hell I was.

  I double-checked my calendar to see when my period was due. Was I destined to remain in this PMS funk I had been in since Saturday night? Nope, I wasn’t due for another twelve days. Couldn’t blame it on hormones. I showered, dressed warm, grabbed my backpack with unfinished homework, and headed to school on barely shoveled and salted roads.

  Stephanie was sitting in class reading a book when I arrived. She was never this early.

  “Good morning,” I said as casually as I could.

  She looked up at me but didn’t say anything. She turned back to her book. Shit, she was mad.

  “You knew this was going to happen, didn’t you?” she asked without looking up from her book. “Hell, I knew it was going to happen and I did it anyway.” She shook her head.

  “What?” I asked her.

  She turned to me with a strained look on her face. “My feelings are hurt, Kyla,” she said softly.

  “I’m sorry, Steph. I don’t want to hurt your feelings. I’ve felt awful since I saw you Saturday.”

  She turned back to the pages in her book.

  “I’m not mad at you, Kyla,” she explained in a hushed voice. “Nothing has happened between us that I didn’t want to happen, so I’m not pointing the finger at you. But I’ve been in this life too long to resort to sneaking around to spend time with someone. I’m looking to love someone, Ky. Openly. I’m not trying to pressure you and tell you to give up your life today, because that’s a lot to ask. But I’m not interested in being your mistress. That’s a role I’m not willing to play.”

  Mr. Jelenchick started our classroom discussion, giving me time to think about what she said. In one week we had gone from looking passionately into each other’s eyes, to not being able to look eye to eye at all.

  I didn’t know what to do. Well, maybe that wasn’t altogether true. I knew what I wanted to do, but I was scared to death. My heart was open wide, screaming at me to love her and only her. My brain was fighting fiercely, telling me to think rationally. Give up a man that any woman would kill to have? Give up the chance to have the all-American dream? But whose dream was it? Mine or the one society created for me? Didn’t I deserve happiness in any form it came?

  But if I chose Steph, I would be labeled. I would be different. I couldn’t talk about what my family did over the weekend with coworkers without wondering what others might think. I couldn’t bring my girlfriend to work functions without stares and whispers. And in most companies I couldn’t even add her to my medical insurance if we lived as a family.

  “Let’s go to my car,” Steph said after class.

  Once inside, she immediately wrapped her arms around me and hugged me.

  “I want to tell you something,” she said, still embracing me. “I’m in too deep, Ky. I have a weakness for smart, beautiful, sweet, kindhearted women. I’ve only come across two women that have made me weak in the knees. Michelle . . .” She broke the hug and looked at me. “And you.”

  I anticipated what she would say next and my heart soared from my chest to the middle of my throat.

  “That’s why I can’t share you,” she concluded.

  My heart sank back down to the pit of my stomach.

  “The longer we go on like this, the more I’ll get wrapped up in you. I can’t put myself out there like that.”

  “I’m not trying to hurt you, Steph.”

  “I understand that, but you keep saying that like you saying it is going to prevent it from happening. Do you really think either one of us will be happy trying to be together in this kind of situation? I want more than that and so should you. And don’t forget that there’s another person’s feelings involved also. It’s obvious how much Jeff
loves you, Kyla. Don’t string him along either.”

  I fought back my tears.

  “What are you asking me to do?”

  “I want you to look at your life and think about what you want out of it and what you’re willing to do to achieve happiness. I want you to be happy, and if that includes me, then I’m here. If it doesn’t, then I’ll deal with that. I knew what I was getting into when this started.”

  I leaned forward and kissed her. Small pecks on her top lip, then her bottom lip, until our mouths opened for deeper, lingering kisses. I didn’t care if anyone saw what we were doing. I only focused on her and the love I wanted to shower her with. It felt like she was leaving me, and I didn’t want that to happen.

  “You better go, Kyla. I’m tempted to take you home for a romp in the sack,” she said, half jokingly.

  “Okay,” I said hopefully.

  “Oh no,” she responded too quickly.

  “Breakfast?” I felt like I was begging.

  She shook her head no. “I’m going to stay here and start preparing for my finals.”

  “Why do I feel like this is good-bye?” I asked.

  “It’s not good-bye,” she said as she wiped smeared lipstick off of my chin. “It’s I’ll talk to you later.”

  We got out of the car and hugged again. I walked back to my car wondering what I had done to get in this position. Was I being tested with temptation? If so, I got a big, fat-ass F. I stopped and turned around to look back at her. She was still standing next to her car, watching me walk away. She pressed two fingers against her lips and held them up to me. I did the same and turned my back to the first person that had opened my heart to honest, true love.

  11

  I was putting a Donna Karan sweater on a mannequin when a body closed in on my space. “What up, girl?” I turned around and stood facing a smiling Juan, Tori’s disrespectful-ass date from the boat cruise.