Double Pleasure, Double Pain

by Nikki Rashan

  “Hi,” I said, and turned back around. I wasn’t in the mood for his shenanigans. “How have you been?” “Fine, thank you.” I still didn’t turn back around to look at him. But I could feel his piercing stare.

  “How’s your girl doing?” he asked.

  “Tori is fine. I’ll make sure to tell her I saw you,” I answered.

  “No, not Tori. How’s your girl doing?” I spun around.

  “What are you talking about?”

  “You know. Stephanie.”

  “What about her?” I asked.

  “Don’t play dumb with me. I know all about your girl. She must not have recognized me. I weighed a lot more in high school.”

  “So?”

  “We went to high school together,” he said, smirking at me.

  “And?”

  “I know she likes eatin’ pussy just as much as I do. Has she turned you out yet?”

  My jaw fell open, a blatant confession of guilt. I didn’t know what to say. “Fuck you, Juan,” was all that came out.

  “Yeah, would be nice, but you’re probably not interested,” he said with a devilish laugh.

  I started to walk away before my coworkers caught wind of the conversation.

  “I was just fuckin’ around with her that night,” he continued, his voice rising. “I knew she wasn’t down. I tried to explain to Tori, but she didn’t want to hear it. Most of all, she didn’t want to hear that her best friend was hanging around with a dyke.”

  I walked faster toward the fitting room, hoping he wouldn’t follow me. I went into one of the stalls and closed the door, covering my face in my hands. So that was it. Tori knew about Steph this whole time but didn’t tell me. That explained her funky-ass attitude after the cruise. I wondered why she just didn’t come out and say it. She had never been one to eat her words before. But at the same time, I was glad she didn’t. I wasn’t sure if I should ask her about it. If I did, then that opened up another conversation I didn’t think I was ready for.

  One thing I did know was I was tired of walking around feeling like I was hiding something. I needed to talk to somebody. I went to the break room and picked up the phone.

  “Hey, Ma,” I said when Gladyce answered.

  “Hey, baby. I was just thinking about you,” she said.

  “Really?”

  “Yes, you’ve been on my mind. How are you?” She sounded concerned. Must be mother’s instinct.

  “Can I come by tonight?” I asked without answering her question.

  “Of course, baby. I’ll make you some lasagna, okay?”

  She said that like lasagna was something you just slapped together like a ham sandwich.

  “I’ll be there around eight.”

  I hung up and called Jeff to cancel our movie date. At that moment, all I needed and wanted was a little comfort from my mother.

  The house smelled delicious when Gladyce let me in. She made me feel extra special by setting some of her best dinnerware on the dining room table with the chandelier lights on low. Of course she had a Best of Gladys Knight and the Pips CD playing in the background. She prayed that our food was nourishing to our bodies, and we began to fill our bellies with lasagna, salad, and garlic bread, which we washed down with Merlot.

  “Ma, how do you and Dad remain such good friends?” I started the conversation.

  “We spent a lot of years together in love, raising a family. We built a solid foundation that wasn’t broken, even when we got divorced,” she said.

  “So why get divorced? I mean, you don’t act any differently toward one another.”

  “Yes, one might say that. Your father and I didn’t have a nasty divorce. There was no infidelity, no lies, and no abuse. But the love we once shared was no longer there. I’ll put it this way, we loved each other, but we were no longer in love. We were comfortable, but baby, sometimes that’s not enough.”

  There was that comfortable word again.

  “But what are you doing different? Neither one of you seems to be dating.”

  “Honey, what does that have to do with us being friends? I love your father and he’ll always be close to me. You and Yvonne may be adults, but unless we get to a point where we feel someone else needs to be brought into the picture, your dad and I have decided to keep our private lives just that. I told him not to bring just any old floozy around my daughters after that last stunt he pulled. Now, did you come here to talk to me about your father, or is something else on your mind?”

  I didn’t know where to start. I wasn’t about to tell her the real deal with Stephanie before I knew just how I was going to handle that situation myself.

  “It’s Jeff,” I started. “Lately I’ve been unsure about my feelings for him. I know I love him and he treats me well, but there’s something missing. I don’t feel like he completes me.”

  I know I sounded like Tom Cruise from Jerry Maguire, but that was my best example.

  “You’re saying he’s not your soul mate?” she asked.

  “I guess. If there is such a person,” I wondered out loud.

  “Kyla, I believe everyone has someone out there who would be their perfect match. But the chances of finding your true soul mate are slim to none. What most of us do is make the best relationship out of the one we have. It’s about how determined each person is to make it work. However, if you do find your soul mate, trust me, you’ll know.”

  “How?”

  “I can only imagine that you would feel a connection with that person that you haven’t felt with anyone else before. A feeling that you’re meant to be with that one person.”

  She paused and stared at me, trying to figure out what was going on in her daughter’s head. “Is there something you want to tell me?” she pried.

  I sighed. I couldn’t possibly tell my mother I thought I was gay. That I was contemplating altering my entire life for a woman I hadn’t known very long. “I’m feeling confused, and I want to make sure Jeff is really the one for me before we continue in a relationship together.”

  “Well, Christmas is next week, so you better get to thinking,” she said.

  “What does Christmas have to do with it?” I asked.

  She hopped out of her chair. “Nothing. It’s just the holidays and all.”

  Okay, and?

  She started clearing the plates and went into the kitchen before I could challenge her. I sat at the table wishing I could open up and share my true feelings with her. Would she be mad? Hurt? Disappointed? Or would she be liberal and open-minded? I figured I could tell a little bit of my story without letting her know I was referring to Stephanie.

  “What would you say if I told you that I have feelings for someone else?” I asked when Gladyce returned from the kitchen.

  She responded like she had been waiting for me to get to the point the entire time. “Kyla, whether you’re single or married, there’s always going to be people that cross your path that you find intriguing and attractive. It’s natural and it happens. It’s what you do with those feelings that matters most. You can love and respect the person you’re with enough to ignore what you feel and let it pass. Because it will pass, Kyla. Or you can act on your feelings and then you’re in a whole new ballgame. And know that in that game, somebody is going to lose, and it just might be you.”

  She sat back down at the table. “Are you going to tell me about this person?”

  I knew she’d ask. “No.”

  “I can’t lie to you, Kyla,” she said, losing some of the tenderness in her voice. “I love Jeff and I think he’s a wonderful man. Don’t go making any hasty decisions that you’ll regret later.”

  Okay, it was time to go. I wanted to talk to her, but I didn’t want to hear a lecture either. I guess the truth hurts. I decided to change the subject to something more positive.

  “So who is all coming by for Christmas?” I asked.

  Gladyce let it go. “Seems like everybody, your Aunt Shari and David of course. Catrina and Brianna can’t make it because
they’re going to Atlanta to visit John’s parents. Your dad will come by for a while, and your sister is bringing Byron. Your grandaddy and grandma are bringing my Aunt Pearl in from Memphis. And you know Jeff’s family is coming this year. It’s going to be a full house.”

  “I’ll be by the night before to help you get all set up. Who’s helping with the food?”

  “Aunt Shari. Most everyone offered to bring a dish, but you know how I am about other people’s cookin’.”

  Gladyce loved her kitchen. I learned how to cook from her, mainly by watching, because she never wanted me in the kitchen interfering with her creations. I gave Gladyce a tight hug.

  “Thanks for listening,” I said.

  She twisted her fingers through my curled hair like I was a little girl. “Any time, baby. Be careful, Kyla. Don’t let a good thing slip away from you.”

  I knew she was talking about Jeff, but I was thinking about Steph. I picked up my cell phone and dialed her number as soon as I was in my car and down the street from Gladyce’s house. I knew she had been watching me drive away.

  “Hello,” Steph answered sleepily.

  I looked at the clock and realized it was after ten.

  “Hey, Steph, it’s Kyla.”

  “Hey,” she said, trying to perk up.

  “I know it’s late, but I want to know if I can come by.”

  I bit my lip, knowing she was about to say no or would give me a long enough pause to let me know she didn’t want my company. Instead, she answered right away.

  “Sure. You’re on your way now?”

  “Yes, I can be there in ten minutes.”

  “Okay.”

  We hung up and I pulled to the side of the road. I blew my breath into my hand and tested for garlic. I sprayed spearmint Binaca in my mouth and covered the shine on my face with powder. I didn’t put on any lip gloss this time because I didn’t want to look like I was trying too hard to keep her. It felt like so much had changed between us in such a short time.

  We had only seen and spoken to each other during our last two classes, and since our final had been a paper that we already turned in, I wasn’t going to see her unless I asked. I missed her terribly, but hadn’t been selfish enough to call her up until this point.

  She answered the door in black satin pajamas and leopard print slippers. Her hair was pulled back into her signature ponytail, but I could tell from the imprint on her forehead that she had just removed a scarf. She took my coat and hung it in the closet. I hoped that meant I could stay a while.

  “Are you all ready for Christmas?” I asked, admiring her tree decorated with ornaments made by Jaron.

  “Yes, I finished my shopping earlier this week. Are you?”

  “Yeah, I’m done. I shop at the store and usually have my gifts figured out way before Christmas. Speaking of the store, I had a visitor today.”

  “Who?”

  “Juan,” I said.

  “Don’t tell me he was hitting on you now,” she said, exasperated by the audacity of men.

  “No,” I answered. “Actually, it turns out that you and Juan went to high school together. He said he was heavier back then.”

  She sat for a moment, trying to remember.

  “Juan? Juan Valesco?” She slapped her hand to her forehead. “Holy shit! He looks different. Hell, no, I didn’t recognize his ass! He was a good three hundred pounds in high school. Damn!”

  “That explains Tori’s problem after the cruise. He told her about you,” I said.

  “I guess the kids were smarter than I thought back then,” she said, finally sitting down on the love seat.

  I followed.

  “So she doesn’t like lesbians, huh?” Steph asked.

  Honestly, I had no idea. “I don’t know. We’ve never talked about it. She could be homophobic, but I really can’t say.”

  “I would assume she is, Kyla, or she wouldn’t have reacted the way she did,” Steph said in a tone that meant I needed to wise up. I had to trust her on that since she had more experience in this than I did. “Are you going to tell her you saw Juan?”

  “I haven’t decided. What do you think?”

  “Girl, that’s your friend and it’s up to you. I don’t want a twenty-year friendship ruined over me.”

  “It won’t be over you. It would be over her closed mind,” I said.

  She nodded her head in agreement. “How is everything going?” she asked.

  “Fine,” I lied. “I miss you.”

  “I have something for you,” she said, getting up and going to the Christmas tree. She found a small box buried under all the large boxes filled with Jaron’s gifts. “I hope you like it,” she said.

  “But I didn’t bring your gift with me,” I said as she handed me the box wrapped in sparkling gold paper.

  “That’s okay. I missed you too, and you being here is enough.”

  I opened the box and pulled out a silver necklace and cross, almost identical to the gold one of my mother’s.

  “It’s beautiful,” I said, overcome with emotion.

  “I noticed your mom’s necklace and thought about how nice the same one would look around your neck.”

  I handed the necklace to her and turned my back so she could put it on me. I went to the mirror and stroked the cross that hung between my collarbones.

  “Thank you so much,” I said, giving her a hug.

  When she sat back down, I laid my head in her lap and inhaled scented skin between her button openings. She ran her fingers through my hair, gently massaging my scalp. I unbuttoned one, then two buttons and kissed her belly. My tongue fluttered against her skin, up and down and in circles.

  She leaned forward and whispered, “Come on,” in my ear. She took my hand and led me into her bedroom, closing the door behind us.

  She took off her pajama bottoms, revealing her mound of short, silky-smooth hair. She unbuttoned my pants and lowered my underwear for me to step out of. She laid me on the bed and positioned herself between my legs, our thighs intertwined. She grinded against me. I moved my hips to her motion and our bodies rubbed each other, sending sensations up and down my skin and between my legs.

  My heart rate heightened and my eyes closed. Never before had I imagined such an experience with a woman. Our moistures mixed as we pressed against one another until neither of us could contain ourselves. We came together.

  She rolled over and wiped the sweat under her ponytail. “Whew! I needed that. You can go now,” she said playfully.

  I picked up a pillow and hit her upside her head. She reached behind her to snatch a pillow and hit me back. We took turns getting shots in at one another until we both lay exhausted on the bed. I took her hand in mine, and we fell asleep lying on our backs holding hands.

  Steph woke me up at five-thirty in the morning, before Jaron had to get up for school. Quickly I got dressed, and as I was sliding into my boots, she knelt in front of me.

  “I’m glad you came over last night,” she confessed. “You’re so hard to resist, and it’s hard to stay away from something that feels so right. But I’m not taking back anything I said to you before.”

  “Okay,” was all I could say. I wanted to take her in my arms and tell her I never wanted to let her go. “Can I see you before Christmas?” I asked her.

  She sighed impatiently like I had ignored what she’d just said. I guess I did.

  “Kyla, there’s nothing more I would like than to see you every day before and after Christmas, but that’s not going to happen. It’s hard enough to say good-bye to you now, and I know it would only get harder and harder each time I see you. If you and I aren’t going to be, then one of us has to be strong. You already make me feel so weak.”

  “But I didn’t say we weren’t going to be,” I protested.

  “You haven’t said we are either.” She looked in my eyes for a response, but I had none.

  I put on my coat, and she walked me to the door.

  “When and if you’re ready, let me know.�
�� Steph said. Then she added firmly, “Just don’t take too long.”

  I drove home hoping Jeff hadn’t called late last night to find me not there. I didn’t know what to do about Jeff and, I was driving myself crazy thinking about it. My mind was like a scratched record, replaying my worries over and over in my head.

  I felt like Steph had warned me again. She hadn’t given me an ultimatum, but she’d made her point clear. She wasn’t going to sit around and wait for me, and I didn’t blame her. So I gave myself an ultimatum to make a decision by New Year’s eve. I couldn’t continue to drag out my confusion or Steph’s hurt forever. Or continue to deceive Jeff. I wasn’t being true to them or myself by keeping up this threesome.

  I wondered if I needed to see a psychologist. I wasn’t sure I could dig deep enough to determine if I was a true lesbian by myself. If I didn’t see a shrink in the next nine days, I’d settle for the next best thing: David.

  I called him when I got home at six-fifteen that morning. I asked him if he could meet me at Gladyce’s house on Christmas Eve so we could talk.

  “No problem,” he said sleepily, but with concern in his voice.

  I hung up feeling slightly better and wished for a sign. Could I walk outside and look in the sky and see him and her written in the clouds with a check mark underneath one of them? Or couldn’t I trip and fall, bump my head, and the answer would be clear as day when I came to my senses?

  I laid down for a quick nap, waiting for my answer to reveal itself to me. I fell asleep to the sound of my downstairs neighbors’ headboard banging repetitiously against the wall. He moaned and she screamed until their excitement drowned out the banging and eventually calmed to a quiet aftermath.

  That same thrill ride I had shared with both Jeff and Stephanie. Now I needed to determine whose ride I wanted to coast on for the rest of my life.

  12

  I was sitting on the floor of the bedroom that Yvonne and I shared as children, later to become my room alone. A poster of Prince lying in a bathtub with his curly hair covering one eye hung on the closet door. Yvonne and I fought over that poster, like bitches over a pimp, when she turned twelve and moved into the room next door. With the help of Gladyce’s intervention, I eventually won the tug-of-war.