Golden Biker

by Alexander Von Eisenhart Rothe

  1 small onion (small cubes)

  Another onion—cut into rings

  2 cloves of garlic (pressed)

  2 cm ginger

  1 green chilli (better take out the kernels, and keep your fingers

  away from your eyes) 1 tbsp. ground coriander

  200 g natural yoghurt

  4 tbsp. Ghee (clarified butter)

  1 tbsp. peeled almonds

  1 tbsp. sultanas (for those of you who think sultanas and raisins are overrated: Leave them out.

  Organise yourselves on Facebook and Twitter: Maybe we will finally get the Muesli industry to come up with Muesli without raisins!!!)

  250 g Basmati rice

  2 cardamom capsules

  ½ cinnamon stick

  1 tbsp. of rose water (Asia food shop)

  1 pinch of salt

  500 ml vegetable or chicken broth (instant)

  a couple of saffron strands

  1 tbsp. milk

  2 hardboiled eggs (yes, cut with an egg cutter, like grandma used to do)

  Ok, I have to admit that’s a hell of a shopping list, but just you wait, it’ll be worth it.

  First you mix the chicken meat with the yoghurt, the diced onion, garlic, ginger, chillies and the ground coriander. Cover it and let it marinate for an hour.

  Heat up 1 tbsp. of Ghee and fry the onion rings until they are nice brown and crispy. Remove the onions and set aside. Now you slow fry the sultanas with the almonds for three minutes.

  Take them out and put them aside as well.

  Put into the pan 1 tbsp of Ghee, the rice, cardamom capsules, cinnamon stick and the rose water until the rice glazes over. Add the broth and salt, let it get to a boil and reduce heat, let it simmer for 15 minutes.

  Place the saffron strands in lukewarm milk and let them soak then add this to the rice.

  Preheat oven to 220 C. take a casserole and grease it before adding meat and rice in the following manner: first half of the rice, then add the meat, then the eggs, half of the fried onions, sultanas and almonds and on top the rest of the rice. Heat the remaining Ghee and pour it over. Now put the casserole into the oven for 50 minutes on the middle rack. Garnish the dish with some almonds and sultanas (if you have some left) and present your hungry guests this culinary delight, before you crash down to the floor exhausted.

  Namaste

  Hindi word for “Hello” as well as “Good bye!”

  Ni Hao

  Chinese for “Hello”…that’s it.

  Oisswurf

  Yiddish for “scum of the earth”

  Oy vey

  Yiddish: short for “Oy vey iz mir”, Oh, woe is me!

  Pukka

  Hindi for “first class”

  Paneer (Makkhani Paneer)

  Paneer is nothing else but Indian cream cheese.

  And here is a recipe for a bitchin’ Makkhani Paneer.

  Serving two people you will need:

  2 tbsp. sunflower oil

  ½ tsp. diced ginger

  ½ tsp. diced garlic

  ½ tsp. chilli powder

  ½ tsp. tandoori masala (again to be found in Asia food shops)

  ½ tsp. ground turmeric (sometimes called curcuma)

  ½ tsp. ground cumin

  1 diced onion

  5 tbsp. tomatoe extract

  150 g diced Paneer*

  3 tbsp. double cream

  ½ tsp. sugar

  pinch of salt

  (* you can make your own paneer, of course, but that might take things a bit too far.

  Supermarket cream cheese will do just fine. You should however press some of the water out of it using a fresh dishcloth. It will get more solid and more dry. After that you can cut it into small cubes) fry the onions in oil, add garlic and ginger, tomato extract and the rest of the spices. Stir while frying.

  Add salt and sugar; let it simmer for five minutes at medium heat.

  Add the diced paneer without breaking them up. (Go easy on them).

  Let it simmer for another minute or so, than add the double cream and serve.

  Paratha

  Also called Parota, Parotha, Parantha and so on. Like chapati and naan it is served like a bread-like side dish. It is not as dry and is my favourite kind of bread. (Of course you couldn’t care less about that).

  The preparation is much like that for chapatti. You will need:

  100 g whole-wheat flour (or spelt)

  200 g white flour (wheat)

  280 ml water

  ½ tsp. salt

  4 tbsp. ghee (concentrated butter)

  Mix well with 1 tbsp. of ghee into soft dough, knead and make lumps the size of tennis balls.

  Roll them flat using a rolling pin. Cover them up and let them swell out. Put some ghee over them and knead again. Roll them flat again, repeat the procedure and roll them flat again. Fry them to a crispy brown in a skillet. If the paratha is showing some bubbles, they are perfect.

  Palace of the Winds

  This is no palace at all, maybe part of a palace. Actually it is a five stories high façade and Jaipur’s number one tourist attraction. In former times, it enabled the women inside the harem to watch the processions taking place in the street below, without being seen themselves. The name “Palace of the Winds” is due to the fact that this building always had a nasty draft to it. Fierce winds were howling through every nook and cranny, Should you be in the neighbourhood; beware of shop owners from the opposite side of the street, who invite you to take pictures of the palace from their rooftops. You might get some really got shots, but you’ll be forced to spend the rest of the day inside his shop.

  Punjab

  A North-Indian state and home of the Sikhs. Although this religion has had its ups and downs throughout history, it belongs to the most affluent in all of India. This of course is due to the assiduous business acumen of the Sikhs.

  Religions in India

  Now its time to open up the chapter “religion” and tell you a few things, after all, in a country like India there is no way around it anyway.

  Now, religion:

  ‘Uiiiih!’ A sound of sucking your teeth from your side and some cold feet on my part. Well, you never know with religion, always a wasp nest, no matter what you are going to say you will be stepping on someone’s toes. No other subject fuels the minds of fanatics such as religion. Sure, there are other kinds of daily life fanatics, but a devout Simpson fan would probably shy away from blowing himself up in a bus…and taking me with him.

  Interestingly, most religions do not only claim to possess the key to divine knowledge, they also insist to work towards the salvation of mankind in a total peaceful manner. But almost always those ever so peaceful movements give birth to some nutters, who want to show you the love of their god with bombs and machine guns.

  But why go on lamenting about it, really? Everybody knows that you cannot have a rational argument with those kinds of people, anyhow.

  India is the home of a whole pantheon of religions, sects and other highly bizarre cults.

  Fortunately the Indian government tries to make everybody happy by adopting a policy of total tolerance. A foreigner often finds this diversity of religions confusing; hence I invite you to take a stroll with me through the bazaar of religions and allow me to give some comments about the most important ones. When we’re done, you can choose to convert to the religion of your choice. So the message reads thus: “You can convert into any existing file format!”

  82% of all Indians are Hindus. This is why I chose to begin my little introduction to India’s potpourri of religions with the ever-prevailing Hinduism.

  Hinduism:

  Nothing is harde
r than to try to get into a long running TV series, if you had not been watching it from the beginning. “Who’s that?”—What’s his name again?”—“Why is he doing this now and with whom?” It just takes a while to get to know all the actors and their characters. The longer the show has been running already, the harder it gets. But as opposed to “Coronation Street” the Saga of Hinduism has been running for over 3000 years and rather successful at that. This makes it all the more difficult for a newbie, to get to grips with it. And if you think you have a general idea of which god is responsible for what task, then you’re told, all of them are only manifestations of one and the same god anyhow. So what then? Are Krishna, Brahma, Shiva, Ganesh, Lakshmi and all the rest all different gods or are they one god? The answer is a decisive: Well, sort of!”

  I’ll try and cut to the chase (... presumably the whole Indian world of gods is rolling on the floor laughing, tight now):

  In the beginning there was Vishnu, out of his sleep grows Brahma, who then builds the world. Vishnu awakes and takes over. Vishnu is reborn into nine earthbound manifestations.

  First as a fish, a turtle and a man-lion and some other bizarre creatures, eventually as Krishna and to the very end as Buddha. Brahma, the creator, Vishnu, the all pervading one and—number three, so far not mentioned Shiva, the destroyer and transformer, all three make up the triumvirate, keeping all life and everything else going. All three of them are properly married, to accordingly divine dames, of course. However, to make matters really complicated, there are multitudes of other gods and goddesses (about 300.000!!!), all with their respective functions, whereas all of those are but “aspects” of the triumvirate mentioned above including their wives. “That’s it? Wasn’t so hard!” you might say. To that I would have to reply that I am not done yet, there’s more to come. Every single “aspect” is again a god, like I said, who—and now it comes—can appear in different forms again. The goddess Parvati for example, the wife of Shiva, can appear as Sati, Durga, Annapurna and Kali—each and every one of them equipped with totally different powers.

  Are you still with me?

  “Is there any reason behind all this?” you might ask. Well, (another deep breath from my side): If you have so many gods, that are in charge of so many things, you can make specific offerings, as the situation demands. If I want to step up the corporate ladder, there’s a god for that, if you want to have children, there’s one too and if you need money there is another one as well. Last not least the Hindu wants to break the circle of life, called “moksha”. Every human being is doomed to being reborn again and again; until one day through impeccably conduct he can break that circle to reunite with the soul of the world. Every rebirth is a step up or down on the ladder of redemption, a direct consequence of how you have behaved.

  According to the divine rules, called “Dharma”.

  That means of course, that everybody’s life is already predetermined by the one before.

  Consequently this leads to a certain kind of fatalism. I am a complete failure? So I must have done something wrong in my past life.

  Hinduism is a very tolerant religion, including almost all other gods. Therefore no Hindu will ever oppose to you being a Christian, Jew, Muslim or whatever, since according to his philosophy all those manifestations are of one God only.

  But like mentioned before, there is hardly any religion that does not suffer the odd lunatic amongst its ranks. There are some fanatic Hindus, who like to get into bloody fights against the Muslims, setting fire to mosques and kill people. Obviously someone has not understood his own religion here.

  Buddhism:

  Whereas in Hinduism you have a hard time to tell one god from he other, Buddhism has none. Yes, you heard me right Buddhists are completely God-free. Its founder, you probably guessed, is—Buddha, who, whilst sitting under a tree had an inspiration, similar to the one that flashes by me every time I watch TV: “All life is nothing but suffering!”

  A bit of a bummer, I must admit. But it would not be a religion—or rather a philosophy—if it did not have its own solution.

  Suffering, according to Buddhism, is only caused by human desire, which seems not so far fetched. Thus you have to free yourself from desire to get rid of the suffering. How do you do that? Well, you’re becoming some sort of religious Boy Scout. Be nice onto others, wash regularly, do not use swear words and meditate whenever you can.

  The effect aimed for here shows the close relationship to Hinduism. Here as well you’re supposed to break through the circle of life.

  Sikhism:

  Sikhs only believe in one god, the aforementioned Brahma. Redemption is gained by impeccable moral behaviour, a sense of duty and acting like a Boy Scout. Oddly enough, the fact that Sikhs and Hindus have been successfully killing each other for years does not seem to be contradictory.

  Then we also have

  Jainism:

  Jains are the kind of people who won’t even eat carrots, since by uprooting them living organisms could be harmed. They will also get their redemption by being a good religious Boy Scout.

  And the

  Parsees:

  Who keep a strict view upon how things are divided into good and evil here on earth and paradise will be obtained by morally impeccable behaviour and so on and so on…you know what I’m talking about.

  A quick sideways glance at the three big monotheistic religions:

  The Jews:

  Recently I have been invited as a guest at a Jewish ceremonial procession in North Africa.

  Jews from all over the world were flocking into the small Synagogue, bringing food, drinks and high spirits. Solemnly, I entered the Synagogue only to discover that the Jews had gathered here for a mixture of a party, pick-nick and religious service. Sandwiches were passed around, songs were sung and there was laughter everywhere. The Rabbis were even giving out blessings via mobile phone, for a small donation of course and after each blessing there was a shot of fig schnapps. Since that day about 3.000 were to receive their blessings, the Rabbis were quite soused. One of them embraced me, gesturing towards the many beautiful girls and women serving kebabs, bread and cookies and slurred: “We may be the people from the holy book, calling one of the oldest religions of the world our own, but you know why I am sure we are the chosen people?” I shook my head. “We got the prettiest broads!”

  Well, if that’s not reason enough to convert...

  Christianity:

  A spin-off from Judaism, just without the fun.

  Islam:

  The pogo-version of Christianity. No fun there either, but more head banging.

  I tend to adhere to the words a Chinaman once said to me on the subject of religion: “No matter, if you call him God, Allah, Buddha, Vishnu, Jahwe or Jack-in-the-box—should there be any higher being up there, chances are, it could not be bothered what you call it. Even less about what kind of rules mankind believes one has to follow!”

  I hereby encourage you to set up your own religion. Pray to a man hanging from a cross or worship a cow, if you like. Pray for absolution from a tree, a rock or even a big juicy carrot.

  Be creative. If there’s someone up there, he’ll get the idea.

  Puja

  is the act of showing reverence to a god, a spirit, or another aspect of the divine through invocations, prayers, songs and rituals. For the Hindu devotee an essential part of puja is making a spiritual connection with the divine. Puja can be given at home, (every Hindu home has a small shrine to a favourite god) or at the local temple where money and food offerings are happily being taken care of by the resident Brahman priests.

  Roofie

  Term for Rohypnol, a sedative made by Roche used in hospitals as a strong sedative.

  Nowadays it is known as a date-rape drug.

  Sadhu

  Sadhus are wandering monks, ascetics or pri
ests. Some invent the strangest exercises to leave behind all “bodily attachments”. Running over broken glass, or getting buried alive for several hours, are some of the more harmless varieties. It is because of India’s tolerance towards religion, Sadhus enjoy a certain freedom to do whatever they want. Those who are followers of Shiva, may smoke marihuana in public, in order to plunge into a state of deep prayer. It is not surprising though, to find dubious characters posing as Sadhus, just to live a carefree stoner’s life. Sadhus come in all different types, some are friendly, humble and polite, and some are obnoxious and aggressive. As long as you don’t know which sort you have come up against, I suggest you give them a wide birch.

  Samosa

  Fried pastries stuffed with different sorts of fillings. Watch out for potatoes (Aloo in Hindi) fillings, they can be a very hot item, burning your mouth within seconds.

  Sanskrit

  You may not believe it, but Sanskrit is an ancient language, the predecessor of all Indo-Germanic languages. Hence, the Hindi spoken almost everywhere in today’s India, is a distant cousin of the English language, or the German language, for that matter. (Some Indians like to tell you, Sanskrit is the mother of all languages, but that’s humbug, of course).

  One can still detect similarities between the languages though. Did you know, for example, that the word shawl is “Schaal” in Hindi? Remarkable, isn’t it? Especially, if you take into consideration that our linguistic connection with hot and teeming India is a typical winter garment.

  Sitar

  Indian instrument, looking like a combination of a lute and a guitar. It became wildly known throughout the Western hemisphere, thanks to the Flower-Power movement in the Sixties.

  There was no meditation circle with its wild-cherry flavoured tea and joss sticks, without some exotic sitar music, playing in the background. Indian music became very hip everywhere. Funnily enough, most of those self-proclaimed experts on Indian music rarely understood the subject matter. It may serve as a musical anecdote, that when Ravi Shankar performed at the famous Monterey music festival in 1967, he got a massive round of applause after his first “Solo”—few had realized however, that he was just tuning his instrument.