Finally she shook off her shock. She had to find Serena. She had to explain, somehow. She darted forward to make chase, but before she had made it even a few steps, Seth caught her arm.
“Wait, wait, Isabel,” he whispered.
She turned toward him, looking up at him. His expression was drawn and filled with regret. This hadn’t been his plan any more than hers.
“Isabel, allow me to help,” he offered with a shake of his head. “I’m sorry, I’m so, so sorry.”
She stared at him. God, how she wanted to fall into his arms and permit him to comfort her. To talk to him about how she felt and receive his counsel on what to do to ease Serena’s embarrassment and confusion.
But those weren’t things one did with a lover. Those were conversations to be shared with one’s love. There was a difference, and she could only ever be one thing to Seth, not the other. Trying to pretend otherwise only confused an already painful situation.
“Please, we both know you cannot give me more,” she whispered, her voice cracking. “And I can’t bear to have less from you one moment longer. Let me go after my sister alone. Leave me be so I can forget how much I—”
She cut herself off with a gasp and covered her mouth. She had almost confessed that she was in love with him. A disastrous thing indeed. But even though she hadn’t said it, it was clear from Seth’s wide-eyed expression that he was fully aware of the intention of her cutoff words.
She shook her head, turned on her heel and bolted away after Serena before she could make the situation any worse.
Her sister was no longer on the terrace, not that Isabel expected her to be. She moved into the main ballroom and scanned the crowded area for Serena’s familiar face and the bright yellow color of her ball gown. But there was nothing in the crowd. The panic she had been trying to quell rose up in her.
As she made another quick pass about the room, she saw Jacinda standing alone by the punch table. With trembling hands shoved at her sides, Isabel made her way to her friend with what she hoped was a calm expression.
“Dearest, what is it? You are so pale!” Jacinda said, crushing Isabel’s hopes that she was hiding her upset. “Is everything all right?”
“Have you seen my sister?” she asked, unable to suppress the tremble in her voice.
Jacinda nodded. “She passed through the room a moment ago. Last I saw her, she was heading into the hall.”
Isabel shut her eyes briefly. She hoped to God her sister hadn’t made some mad rush to return home unescorted. Not only was it dangerous, but unseemly.
“You need some kind of assistance, I can see that. What can I do?” Jacinda asked.
Isabel took her friend’s hand and squeezed gently. She was so lucky to have Grace and Jacinda in her life.
“Will you check to see if my carriage is still here?” she asked. “While I search the parlors?”
“Of course,” Jacinda said with a swift nod. “Should I look for you there?”
Isabel shook her head. Although she adored her friend, she feared Jacinda would not approve of her relationship with Seth and she didn’t want her overhearing a conversation with Serena if she did indeed find her. She already had one disillusioned loved one to face. She did not need two.
“Only if the vehicle is gone. If it is still outside and you come back to the ballroom to find I am not here, assume I’ve found her.”
Jacinda nodded. “Of course.”
The two women split and Isabel hurried down the hallway in the direction she prayed her sister had gone. Most of the doors were open and their chambers empty, but as she reached the end of the hall, she found one that was closed, though a light flickered in the space between the door and the floor.
Drawing in a deep breath, Isabel opened the door. Relief flowed through her as she saw the person she sought. Serena stood by the fire, staring into the flames. Her shoulders shook and were slumped in defeat and distress.
When Isabel closed the door behind her, Serena turned. Her already unhappy, tear-streaked face fell further when she saw her sister.
“Oh, please, Isabel, I came to a private room for a reason.” Serena sighed. “I cannot bear to hear you at present.”
“Well, I am your guardian and I’m offering you no choice,” Isabel said as she stalked across the parlor to stand before her sister. “I am going to talk and you shall listen.”
Serena gave the same pouting face she had shown when she was unhappy since she was a child, and Isabel almost smiled at the memories the expression evoked. Then she shook her head to regain focus.
“You should not have been forced to walk in on such a scene as you did on the terrace tonight,” Isabel began. Her cheeks burned with hot embarrassment, but somehow she continued, “I apologize for my shocking lack of discretion. I know it could have destroyed you if it had been someone else who intruded upon Seth and me on the terrace.”
“Oh, Isabel, it isn’t the chance of ruination that bothers me.” Serena shrugged. “Was I wrong when I guessed this has been going on for longer than just tonight?”
Isabel hesitated. She could lie, but there would be no point.
“No, you weren’t wrong. Seth and I imprudently engaged in an affair while we were visiting his country home,” she admitted with a heated blush.
Serena’s eyes widened. “Even though you knew I liked him?”
Isabel stared at her sister as an emotion more powerful than embarrassment began to bubble within her. She clenched her teeth and ground out, “It began before you liked him.”
“But you continued it after. And perhaps your actions made me lose out on some kind of connection to Lord Lyndham.”
There were times when Isabel remembered that her sister was quite young. And there were times when she thought the girl had been too spoiled both by their late parents and, God help her, by her. At this moment, both hit her square in the face.
“Do you believe you lost something?” she murmured, trying to keep her tone in check, but failing with each word. “You liked Seth for all of a day and a half and you were already on to the next foolish tendre not two minutes after we returned to London.”
Her sister hesitated. Clearly she hadn’t expected such an emotional reply. “Still—”
Isabel moved toward her. “Do you want to know what I lost, Serena? My girlhood, by marrying an old man. My chance at being a mother because I am barren. My freedom because I was privileged and forced to raise you and Marjorie after our parents’ deaths. And now I have lost the man I love. The man I love, because he needs a wife who can provide him heirs and I cannot do that. So if we are talking about loss and grief, have a care, sister. You do not know the half of it.”
The moment the angry, heated words were out of her mouth and Isabel heard them in the air around her, she realized just how much she had been keeping in. Without warning, she sank into a chair and began to cry.
Serena stared at her, her eyes wide, and then she rushed to her sister and dropped to her knees as she embraced Isabel.
“I’m sorry, I’m so, so sorry,” Serena sobbed. “I’ve been selfish and foolish and you are right to be angry. I haven’t thought of you at all.”
Isabel hugged her sister back as her own tears slowly subsided. “It is I who is sorry,” she whispered as she wiped her eyes. “I should not have gotten so upset.”
Serena shook her head. “No! You have been the most wonderful sister and mother and friend I could ever ask for. And you have done it all almost entirely on your own. You need never apologize for how you feel.”
Isabel touched her sister’s face gently. Her words meant so much, she couldn’t even express it fully.
“Do you truly love Lord Lyndham?” Serena whispered.
Isabel nodded. There was no use prevaricating now. The truth was out.
“Yes, I love him with all my heart.” She swallowed back the continuing tears that confession inspired.
Serena shut her eyes with a sad little sigh. “And is there truly no way you cou
ld be together?”
She sighed. “None that I can see. Unfortunately, life is not like your novels. Not everyone can have a happily ever after. But Marjorie has, and I still believe you shall as well.”
“But what about your happiness?” her sister pressed.
Isabel got to her feet and paced the room. “I’m certain there is some kind of happiness in store for me too. Just not…just not with Lord Lyndham.”
“Oh, Isabel,” her sister whispered in a shaky tone.
Isabel turned toward her with a weak smile.
“I don’t wish to see you torment yourself about my situation, Serena. I love you for wanting to help me, but some things…well, they aren’t meant to be, that’s all.” She shook her head. “Now why don’t we depart early? My head is aching and I long to go home and forget this night ever happened.”
Serena stared at her for a long moment and then she nodded. “If that is what you desire, of course. There is no one here of consequence anyway!”
Isabel couldn’t help but laugh as her sister linked arms with her and the two women left the parlor for their carriage. But even as she tried to feign calm emotions for her sister, Isabel was fully aware that she wouldn’t soon forget this night.
And she wasn’t certain happiness would be a visitor to her any time soon.
Seth sat in a chair before his mother’s roaring fire. He was slumped down, staring at the crackling flames, his thoughts playing and replaying the previous night. Jason’s angry accusations, seeing Isabel, touching her, humiliating her in front of her sister… They all mashed together to confuse and trouble him.
Was everything he believed about himself and his future a lie?
His mother set a cup of tea on the table beside him and smiled as she took a place at his right.
“How did you enjoy the ball last night?” she asked, oblivious to his torn feelings. “I saw you there briefly, but then you were so busy dancing that we never had a chance to say hello.”
Seth’s stomach turned. He had stayed, hoping to forget what had happened on the terrace. But being with other women only underscored that the one he wanted had fled, demanding he leave her alone once and for all.
But she had done so after very nearly declaring her love for him. That truncated statement of her heart still rang in his ears.
He had relived it so many times that even his dreams last night had been troubled with images of her. Not of her in his bed, but of her saying she loved him again and again. Only he could never say it back. His voice was muted and all he could do was reach for her but never touch her as she faded further and further away.
“Seth?” his mother pressed.
He shook off his thoughts and straightened up. “The ball was fine, Mother. Though it was no different than a thousand others of the same type I’ve attended over the years. There was nothing special about it.”
She smiled, though he could see she was troubled by his dour mood. “It is the company that makes any event different or special, my dear.”
Seth shut his eyes. Indeed, that was true.
She continued, “There were so many lovely young women who you spoke to or danced with. Did any of them catch your eye?”
He tried to remember any of the others and couldn’t recall even a one. He remembered the dancing, the talking, but when he tried to picture a partner, no image came.
“No,” he said softly. “None of my partners interested me in the slightest, I fear.”
She frowned. “Oh. Well, I have invited Lady Gladwell, Lady Irvine-Stanford and Lady Macclesfield to tea today, along with their daughters, all of whom are eligible young women. You must come down to meet them, perhaps one of them will tempt you.”
Seth stared at her. His mother had a wild determination in her eyes that had been growing there since she caught him in the garden with Isabel. Her drive to marry him “properly” had only increased, it seemed.
And his interest in that idea had waned equally.
He rubbed his eyes. “Although I appreciate your efforts on this score, I honestly do not see the point in continuing to act out this charade. I can tell you that there could be no one to tempt me to marriage this Season. I’m not in the right mind-set, even if I did meet a woman who would make a suitable bride.”
He said the last two words with a bitter taste in this mouth that turned his stomach.
His mother’s face paled and her eyes grew wide as she stared at him. He had recognized her earlier concern with his malaise, but now that concern was transformed to the beginnings of panic.
“I don’t think all hope is lost yet,” she said, her voice fringing on the edge of hysteria. “Lady Gladwell’s daughter is very nice. Lady Genevieve is her name. She is pretty as a rose, with all the intelligence and wit you value. I think over time and with some effort on your part, you could come to like her a great deal.”
Seth stared at his mother. She had just struck upon his biggest roadblock in this path to his proper bride. All the women he met who would fit the mold his mother planned for him, the mold that supposedly honored his brother’s memory, were people he would have to exert effort in order to keep an interest in. Courting them would be work, something he would have to choose to continue doing every day.
With Isabel, his feelings were easy. Every morning at his estate, he had looked forward to seeing her. Their conversations had come effortlessly and were filled with laughter and true connection. And at night…well, the craving to be with her hadn’t faded even when he had been forced to let her go. Even now, he wanted her, he longed for her.
There was no denying it. The only woman he wanted to be with for the rest of his life was Isabel. No one else would ever do.
“Darling, I worry about you,” his mother whispered. “You seem unhappy.”
He returned his attention to her. She was not going to like what he was about to say. But he had to say it. There was no avoiding it, no matter how much he tried to soften the blow.
“You and Father had a love match, didn’t you?” he asked softly.
His mother shifted, almost as if the topic made her uncomfortable. But then she smiled. “Yes, in fact we did.”
“I was quite embarrassed by that as a boy.” Seth chuckled. “It was so unfashionable of you. Everyone else’s parents maintained a polite distance, but mine still talked and even occasionally shared affection.”
His mother’s discomfort seemed to fade as she spoke of her late husband. She even smiled and looked like herself again. “I had no idea you felt that way.”
Seth shrugged. “I was a child. But as I grew older, I began to realize what a rare and valuable thing that depth of feeling you shared was.”
“Yes.” His mother’s eyes shone with tears, but they didn’t fall. “It was a lovely life we had together.”
He nodded. “I believe your example may be why my search for a bride has been so difficult.”
The flicker of panic in her eyes returned and built to a bright ember. “You put too much pressure on yourself. This is the first Season you have searched and it’s only been a few weeks. Finding love isn’t easy.”
He shook his head. “Oh, no, Mother. I have found love.”
She gripped the armrests of her chair with both hands.
“With whom?” she whispered, though her tone told him she was well aware of the answer to her question.
“Isabel,” he said softly.
It was the first time he had stated that fact out loud, but now that he heard it, in his own voice, he realized how powerful and utterly true it was.
“Who?” his mother repeated, her voice cracking.
He tilted his head, surprised by her continued denial. “You know who,” he said softly. “Lady Avenbury.”
His mother gasped, and the sound was filled with so much pain and despair that Seth hated to hear it. Not only did he not want to hurt his mother, but he wanted her to eventually accept Isabel.
“No—no…you don’t love her. You can’t,” she said with
a shake of her head.
“And yet, I do. Even when we were young, before she married, I was always drawn to look for her at gatherings. I didn’t understand fully what that attraction meant until she came to the country party. I was filled with such relief when she stepped out of the carriage with her sister. I think I might have fallen in love with her that very moment,” he insisted with all the strength he could convey with his voice.
It was easy to do, for each time he spoke his feelings out loud, he realized how deeply he felt them. They were right and good and they gave him great joy to finally acknowledge to himself and to the world at large.
“No,” his mother continued to repeat. Her gaze was fixed on him, wide and disappointed and upset. He hated to see her so pained.
“I realize this is distressing to you, but I hope you will come to accept it.” He blinked, for he had just realized what he was about to say. What he was about to do. “You see, I intend to ask for her hand.”
His mother bolted to her feet and backed away. “No! If you insist that she has your heart, then for God’s sake, make her your mistress. Plenty of men in our sphere do so when the women they love aren’t appropriate. They marry well and have a separate life.”
Seth stared at his mother in disbelief. He had expected many reactions from her, none of them positive, but this was beyond reason.
“I would not do that to either Isabel or any other poor woman I married only for her appropriateness, which is really a kind way of saying ability to breed, isn’t it? To do so would be wrong beyond measure.” He shook his head. “I’m shocked you would suggest otherwise.”
His mother’s cheeks brightened with color that he thought was probably a combination of embarrassment and continued upset. She reached for him.
“But your brother, Seth,” she whispered.
He backed away from her. This was her final card to play, and while he realized she truly did feel strongly on this issue, that this was her attempt to cope with her grief…it was still a bitter manipulation.
A Matter of Sin Page 22