Conflicted (The Existing Series Book 2)

by Guilliams,A. M.

Her fingertips grazed the length of the frame she was staring at. I knew each picture and its placement like the back of my hand. It was of the day Grace was born. The three of us just mere minutes after she took her first breath. The fact that she was even remotely thinking of our precious miracle pissed me off to no end. She left Grace.

  “Where’s Grace?”

  “You don’t get to ask me that. It’s none of your business where she is. You lost that right when you walked away,” I all but shouted at her.

  “I’m her mother,” she screamed back as she turned around to finally face me. Tears streamed down her face. Part of me wanted to comfort her. The other part wanted to strangle her. But I had to stand firm. I had to defend our daughter even if she couldn’t.

  “It’s true that you’re her mother. But you lost the right when you left her.”

  “You didn’t give me a choice. You told me to leave,” she shouted, and her hands flew around in the air showing just how frustrated that she’d become. Well, she deserved to be frustrated. She deserved a lot more than that.

  “You were arranging to leave. Just tell me, how were you planning on doing it? Just disappearing into the night? Were you going to run with my daughter? Which is it, Mackenzie? How were you preparing to destroy our lives?”

  “It wasn’t like that. You don’t understand, and I can’t make you. I just couldn’t do it anymore. I couldn’t pretend when I felt like I was drowning all the damn time. You resented me, and I couldn’t fake the happiness a moment longer. I wasn’t going to take her from you. I don’t deserve either of you. I never have,” she explained. Only she didn’t explain anything. Her cryptic reasoning only made me want to know exactly what she meant. Exactly why she felt like she didn’t deserve the best thing that had ever happened to us. She’d always adored Grace. I’d never questioned her love for our daughter. Not until now.

  “What the hell are you on? You’re not making a lick of sense here. And honestly, I don’t have time for you to sit here and beat around the bush. I have shit to do. I’m going to ask you again, and I want a straight answer. Why the hell are you here?” I had to get her out of here before I did something I’d regret. Said something that I could never take back. I may be angry with her. My rage may be consuming my whole body. However, my conscience would never allow me to forgive myself if I crossed the line and said something that wasn’t true.

  She turned back to the wall of memories, and I used that opportunity to really take in the woman that I thought was my forever. She was pale. There was worry written all over her face. She looked like she hadn’t slept all week. There was more to it than she was letting on. I wanted to know. Needed the answers. But once they were spoken, they could never be taken back. Which is why I hadn’t flat out asked why she’d left. She’d always been a horrible liar which is why she could never keep anything from me nor surprise me.

  Minutes passed with neither of us uttering a sound. The only motion that was made was her looking through all the pictures. Her back started to shake ever so slightly with each picture that she looked at. She was trying to hide the fact that she was crying.

  She moved down the wall to the more recent pictures, stopping at one we’d just added the week before she left. Grace was in her arms. They were both staring at each other while Grace rested her head onto Mackenzie’s. I snapped the picture without either of them even knowing I was in the room. Right before I clicked the button, they both laughed, making the picture even more perfect than the original pose that caused me to want to capture it. I’d added it to the wall and surprised her when she got home that evening. Thinking back, we weren’t perfect, but who is these days? I didn’t want to live here which is what caused our arguments. Other than that, I loved her. Wanted to be with her. Only compromise became our biggest issue when neither of us were willing to budge on what we wanted and where we wanted to go.

  The movement of her turning back around caused my thoughts to clear and take her in once again. She was always so put together and polished. Only the woman standing before me was anything but. Tears freely flowed down her ashen cheeks. Her arms were wrapped around her stomach as if something was physically hurting her. Only she stood straight up not willing to show too much weakness. It was who she was. How she handled her pain. Another reason we butted heads all the time. I had to constantly drag her pain out of her instead of her willingly sharing what was wrong with her. We hadn’t started out that way, but it’s where we ended up. We bottled up our pain and held it in until one of us exploded. Not the healthiest way to have a relationship, but somewhere along the way work and our daughter took precedence to our feelings, which caused the most grief of all.

  Hesitantly, she started to move toward me. Every cell in my body screamed at me to run, but I was rooted to the spot. My eyes stayed trained on her until she stood right in front of me. My six-feet frame towered over her five-feet-four body, but she didn’t seem frightened. Instead, she squared her shoulders and looked right up at me. Never once stopping the tears that were still flowing heavily down her face. Every so often she’d hiccup and take a deep breath to hold in the amount of pain she was actually going through. With each tear that streaked her face, my heart softened a fraction more. I was still pissed beyond belief, but seeing her in pain broke my heart. I’d never forgive her for this past week, but I couldn’t pretend to be heartless anymore.

  Without even thinking, I pulled her into me and wrapped my arms around her slender frame. The moment her head hit my chest, she broke down. Full-fledged sobs broke free which caused her knees to buckle. Only I wouldn’t let her fall no matter how mad I was. She needed this at the moment and apparently, she needed it from me.

  I moved us over to the couch and sat us both down without breaking our connection. She lifted her feet to lay them across the couch, but never once did her head leave my chest. I held her tighter and ran my fingers across her scalp the way that I knew calmed her down, only this just caused her to break down more. I never wavered in my touch, I just continued to let her get the emotions out while I tried to soothe her pain. No matter what we were going through, I’d been with this woman since I was a sophomore in high school. Even though I wanted to hate her, she was the mother of my child. I knew I was contradicting myself, but I still loved her. I still cared for her. Love never disappears, it just fades. Our love may have faded over time, but that’s because we let it. We stopped caring about the relationship and settled into our routine. Instead of getting stronger over time, we allowed our love to wither away, choosing comfort and familiarity instead of fighting to keep our love alive.

  There was no coming back from this and the thought tore my heart to shreds. I’d loved her for most of my life. For the past ten years she’d been mine, and now we were nothing more than two broken people floating through life.

  Her sobs were almost non-existent at this point, but I continued to rub her scalp gently until they ceased. She raised her head off my chest moments later, but she didn’t look at me until she wiped her tears away with both hands.

  Once she was done, she finally looked up at me. The emptiness in her eyes caused my chest to tighten because they used to be so full of life. Something had drained the life right out of her. I needed the answers she held off in giving me. The not knowing caused my head to pound and my anger to start to drift to the surface again. She was stalling for a reason, only I couldn’t handle it any longer.

  “Why are you here, Mackenzie?” I demanded, refusing to hear anything other than her reasoning behind her presence in the one place I didn’t want her to be.

  She peered over at me and opened her mouth only to close it just as fast as she opened it. If she didn’t answer me soon, I’d snap. I wasn’t going to play this drag it out of her game. Not tonight.

  She reached into the purse that sat on the floor, the one I didn’t even see her bring in and sit down, and pulled out a manila envelope. She looked down at the envelope and caressed it with one hand almost as if she was scared with the co
ntents, then handed it over to me. Reluctantly, I took it from her almost too afraid to find out what it held.

  “What’s this?” I asked without even bothering to open it. I didn’t want to play games with her any longer. I wanted her to tell me what the hell was going on. Give me answers that I deserved.

  “It contains legal documents for you to look over and sign. The gist of what it states is that I am fully relinquishing my parental rights to Grace and handing you sole custody of our daughter,” she revealed, and just when the last word left her mouth, she bit her trembling lip as more tears escaped.

  What the ever loving hell was going on here?

  This wasn’t the woman I knew. There was no way in hell I’d ever think she’d leave let alone sign her rights away.

  “You’re giving our daughter up?” I choked out, refusing to believe what I just heard. It was different when I just thought she was leaving. Part of me always thought she’d return when she got her head on straight. The legality of what the manila envelope that felt like it was burning my hand contained made this situation even more confusing and painful than I’d ever thought possible.

  “I have to do this. I know you don’t understand, but you will someday. One day when I have the courage to tell you the full story. It’s not about loving her or you. I’ve loved you since we were teenagers. That’s never wavered. I’ve loved her ever since I knew she was growing beneath my heart. Even more so when I heard her first cry. But I have to go,” she revealed, causing tears of my own to well up in my eyes.

  She was right; I didn’t understand, but from the looks of things I wouldn’t any time soon.

  “Once you sign the documents, there are instructions in the envelope on how to return them to my lawyer. He’ll file them with the court system. We’ll have to go in front of the judge to make it official and then it will be finalized,” she explained. The more she spoke of what would occur, the more her voice wavered and trembled with the amount of emotion she held inside.

  She moved closer to me on the couch until our legs touched. Reaching up, her fingers grazed my cheek sending chills through my body.

  “I will always love you, Weston. Never doubt that. Please don’t hate me for leaving. I know I don’t have the right to ask you that, but I need to know you won’t so I can make it through all of this. I never wanted this to happen. I wanted us to work through it all and make it out on top. I always pictured a bigger family, but that just wasn’t in the cards. I know I have no right to ask anything else from you, but please let my daughter know that her mommy loved her and that it killed her to go. When she gets older, I’d love it if you told her the good qualities about me. Tell her that I didn’t want to go but had to go. Promise me these two things, I’m begging you.”

  I didn’t know what to say. Confusion seeped through my brain as I tried to understand what the hell had happened from the moment she walked into the door until now. I looked into the depths of her eyes, but they revealed nothing. I wanted to promise her, but I didn’t know if I could keep it when she walked out that door for the second time.

  “Why do I need to promise you this? Why can’t you just tell me why you feel the need to leave and we can work through it? You don’t have to leave her, Kenzie.” I didn’t know why I pleaded with her, but I had to try at least. For Grace’s sake.

  “Don’t ask me to stay. Please. I’d do it if I could, but just know that I can’t stay. I’d love to be here with you to watch Grace grow into the amazing woman that I know she’ll be.” At the mention of our daughter’s future, one lone tear escaped from her eye and rolled down her cheek.

  Something screamed at me to do anything to make her stay, only I knew she wouldn’t listen. This woman was more stubborn than anyone I knew. Once she made up her mind, there was no changing it. So I did the one thing I shouldn’t do. The one thing I knew could possibly be a lie.

  I stood and grabbed her hand to pull her up with me. When she stood right in front of me, I placed both hands on either side of her face and made her look me in the eyes for what I was about to say.

  “I don’t know what’s going on with you. What you’re doing isn’t the woman I know. I also know that you’ve made up your mind and won’t change it. I’m pissed as hell that you’re doing this to Grace. I can understand you doing this to me, but never her. Every part of me wants to beg you to stay if only for her, but that won’t work. So I’ll do the one thing I shouldn’t. I promise you those two things. I won’t hate you only because I could never hate the one person who’s given me the greatest gift any man could ever receive. I’ll tell our daughter about you and omit the bad until she’s old enough to understand it. That’s about the best I can do. Because I won’t lie to her once she’s old enough to know the truth of this situation. I just don’t get why this has to be so final. Why you can’t just come back when you handle whatever it is that’s causing you to leave. I won’t push you for answers, only because I know you’re hiding it for a reason. Just know I won’t ever forgive you for doing this. You didn’t have to see the heartbreak in Grace’s eyes or the anxiety that she’s experienced with your absence. I hope you have a great life, Kenzie.”

  I looked into her eyes for a few moments longer and watched the tears threaten to escape. I let out a sigh and dropped my hands, turning around to face the wall that held all of our happy times. I couldn’t look at her any longer. I couldn’t bear to see the pain in her eyes and not show an ounce of mine. I’d barely held it together when I said my final peace. I also couldn’t watch her walk away.

  She touched my shoulder causing me to flinch away, but she placed her hand back in the same spot. She walked closer to me and wrapped her arms around my waist, her head resting against my thin white t-shirt.

  The wetness soon followed and her grip grew tighter on my body. Only I didn’t react. Couldn’t move or attempt to console her. My anger grew with each passing second as I realized just how final this step she made was.

  The girl I followed to college. The woman who freely gave her virginity to me and I cherished for the past ten years. The mother of my daughter stood behind me and broke down a little further, but I couldn’t get past the pain and the hurt. The thought of all that we were losing, what Grace was losing, was the only thing crossing my mind. The only part of this entire situation I could process was the fact that the woman who carried my daughter was walking away from her and there wasn’t a damn thing I could do to stop her.

  She sniffled a few more times and stepped back, her touch now physically gone, but the heat of it still lingered on my back, underneath my shoulder blades where her head just rested.

  She let out a sigh, and I heard her backing away from me. The sound of her footsteps echoed inside of my head. Each one getting louder than the last. When she reached the door, she paused briefly and the last words she spoke were, “Goodbye.”

  The second the door shut quietly behind her I stalked over to the kitchen counter and reached into the cabinet to grab what I knew was another bad idea. Only I needed something to numb the pain. Numb the realization that I was officially a single father and my daughter no longer had a mother in her life.

  I twisted the cap off of the bottle, letting it fly across the room and brought it to my lips. One swig turned into five more as the amber liquid eased down the back of my throat, leaving a burning sensation. Only I welcomed the burn. Welcomed any other pain than the one that ripped my heart into a thousand pieces.

  Taking one final sip, I pulled the bottle from my lips and launched it across the room. The shattering sound echoed off of the walls, the tiny shards of glass hitting the floor in different directions. Those tiny shards represented the pieces of my heart that would never be put back together again. She’d officially broken it even further tonight if that was even possible.

  I thought there was room for hope. That there’d be a light at the end of the tunnel. Only she’d taken that away with the finalization of what she delivered tonight. Leaving here was the perfect solution
. The sooner that happened the better. Grace and I needed to make our peace and move forward to find our new happiness. It’s what we deserved. What she deserved, and I wouldn’t settle until I found it.

  Chapter 6

  After my pity party last night, I cleaned up all the glass and remainder of bourbon that was in the bottle and started packing. I couldn’t let my little girl down and until I’d packed up everything and had us settled back in Nelson County I wouldn’t rest. Instead of letting the rage consume me, it fueled me to get everything organized for the move. I thought I could be out within the month, but after last night there was no way I could stay here that long. No way I could allow Grace to remain here any longer than she had to. So at the crack of dawn this morning I made myself get out of bed and work on making this apartment just a memory. I’d called my dad when I knew he’d be awake and got everything situated to have the trucks and trailers that I knew he’d have no problem providing here next weekend. One week and we’d be done with this place and back where we belonged. Seven days and I could breathe again. Figure out how to move on with my life.

  This morning I informed my boss at the shop of my plans in leaving. It wouldn’t be any time soon, but in the near enough future and I thought it’d be wise to tell him so we could find and properly train the replacement if necessary. The commute wouldn’t kill me until I could get things situated with my own business and it’d give me the cash flow that I’d need to take care of Grace.

  We’d gotten in our fair share of inspections and oil changes this morning, nothing too serious which suited me just fine. I needed to remain busy and the steadiness of these little repairs helped me keep my mind from shifting to the turmoil that my life had become.

  I was leaning over the car with my head under the hood to check the fluids when the bell at the front door sounded. I hated to have to stop since I was almost done, but the owner had to step out and the other guy that worked here was on his lunch break. After I had tightened the cap on the windshield washer fluid, I picked up the towel that I’d laid on the side of the vehicle to rid my hands of the grease that marked my skin.