Conflicted (The Existing Series Book 2)

by Guilliams,A. M.

  I didn’t want to have to acknowledge that part of me still loved her.

  My fist connected to the side of the bag with all my might at that admission alone.

  The bag swayed back and forth and when it came back at me I swung again, immediately connecting with my target. The bag kept swaying, but I was nowhere near done.

  The fact that Grace no longer had a mother in her life.

  That thought alone revved up my anger tenfold, and I kept hitting the bag over and over again until my arms hurt. I couldn’t imagine not having my little pumpkin in my life. Let alone just walk away from her without the possibility of ever seeing her again.

  I didn’t know how I’d stop hitting the bag today, but until my arms felt as if they couldn’t move I’d continue. Seeing as it’s the only way I didn’t go off on someone.

  I was enjoying a little peace and quiet in the basement after my morning punching bag session. Sweat poured down my forehead and my chest, but I welcomed it all. The burn in my arms and stomach were more of a focus than the anger that festered inside of me on a daily basis. I picked up the towel that I’d brought down with me and wiped the sweat from getting into my eyes. I threw the towel down on the table and picked up the water bottle beside it, squeezing the cold liquid down the back of my throat. Checking my phone, I noticed I’d been in the basement for an hour. I came down here at six this morning, hoping to get in enough time before Grace woke up.

  I gathered my things and headed to my room so I could grab some clothes before I showered. Hopefully, Grace stayed asleep long enough. I didn’t want my mom and dad to do more than they needed to.

  The walk to my room took more time than necessary only because I had to avoid the creaking floor boards to keep Grace from rousing. I grabbed a pair of running shorts, boxers, and a white t-shirt and headed to the bathroom. I stopped when I got to the door and listened. Grace’s room was right down the hall and I didn’t hear a peep coming from her room so I went inside to shower.

  All too soon the shower was over, not relaxing my tense muscles, but I welcomed the pain. The pain meant I was feeling something other than the fury that festered beneath the happy façade. I hurriedly threw on my clothes and wiped the fog from the mirror.

  The man staring back at me looked unfamiliar. My eyes didn’t shine as bright. They had worry written all across them. I hadn’t shaved in a few days, which wasn’t like me, but I didn’t see the point right now. I knew I needed to talk to someone, but I couldn’t make myself make that appointment. I went back to my room and flopped down on the bed to wait for my pumpkin to wake up. The peace and quiet was much needed right now.

  Grace was adjusting. She still had her moments, but they were few and far in between now. In the beginning though, it was a battle and a struggle for all of us. My heart broke when she’d go to the door and sit there.

  Waiting.

  With her blanket and bear.

  Her head up against the door.

  Every now and then she’d hiccup, but she wouldn’t move from the spot until she was ready.

  Most days when that happened, she didn’t move until she’d cried herself to sleep for her afternoon nap. Anytime my mom or dad tried to move her she’d kick and scream, so they just left her there until she was ready to go.

  I hated hearing my mom tell me about how Grace struggled when I had to leave, but I had to work to provide for us. Sometimes being an adult sucked.

  The second I arrived back to my parents’ house, she’d be the Grace we all knew and loved again. I’d even called throughout the day to talk to her, but that made it worse because she’d scream for me to come home.

  The good news was that in a few short weeks, we’d move into our own space. A three-bedroom rancher opened up for rent not far from my parents’. It needed a little tender loving care, but the projects were welcomed. I could work on the house when Grace was asleep to keep my mind occupied.

  The anger that I felt for Mackenzie hadn’t dwindled. If anything, it was smoldering, waiting for that one tiny spark before it ignited and blew up. I tried and tried to just put it behind me, but every time Grace cried for her it made the anger push to the forefront.

  Slowly, I became more enraged. My boxing matches with the punching bag occurred twice a day now instead of one. The only outlet that was safe for me to express the anger outwardly. There was no way in hell I was taking out this pain and infuriation out on anyone that didn’t deserve it. Only time would make it dissipate.

  The only problem was that until Grace all but forgot about her mom, that anger wouldn’t go anywhere anytime soon.

  My phone ringing brought me out of the pity party I was having for myself. I reached onto the nightstand as quickly as I could before she woke up and that wouldn’t be good.

  Only I heard footsteps coming down the hall. I hadn’t heard her, but one of my parents’ must’ve and took her out of her crib.

  Too late.

  Grace barreled around the corner on a mission.

  “I talk, Daddy,” she screamed, as she pushed my door open that I apparently hadn’t shut all the way.

  Only once I checked the screen, it wasn’t someone she necessarily knew. My friend Davis from high school was calling me. He’d called a few times since I’d been back and we’d had a couple of beers, but nothing like we used to.

  He stayed here and I left. We grew apart like most friends do from high school when one leaves for college. But we were trying to get things back on track.

  “It’s Daddy’s friend, Davis, pumpkin. You can’t talk this time,” I told her, knowing this was going to lead to a fight.

  Only she stood there looking at me like I was an alien. No wasn’t something she heard often, unless she was in trouble.

  In typical Grace fashion, she walked up to me with her hand held out and tapped her foot like she just wasn’t going to accept no for an answer. For an almost three-year-old, she was too smart for her own good.

  “Not this time, pumpkin. Go find Pop-Pop and tell him to call one of your uncles so you can talk,” I suggested, hoping this idea would wean her away from wanting this particular phone.

  She cocked her head to the side and pondered the thought for a second, then she clapped her hands and took off on her next mission. That should keep her occupied for all of five minutes so I could see what he wanted.

  “Hey, man. How’s it going?” I answered surprisingly before he hung up.

  “It’s going. You know how it is. Listen, there’s a bonfire tonight. You think you could come out and hang with all of us? Quinn’s home and he’s actually got a girlfriend,” he joked. Me, Davis, and Quinn were thick as thieves all throughout school. Where one was, the rest followed. Now, not so much. Davis stayed here. I went off to Charlottesville. And good ‘ole Trenton Quinn went off and became a Marine. He hadn’t been home in about two years. He’d been in Afghanistan for nine months. The other time he was stationed in California. It would be hard to say no, but I hated asking my parents’ to watch Grace.

  “Let me see if I can get my parents’ to watch Grace, and I’ll text you to let you know. I can’t make any promises, though,” I explained.

  “I got it, bro. Just make sure you text me back this time. Your memory is for shit. Has anyone ever told you that?”

  They had told me that. My parents’, Mackenzie, my brothers. All hated hearing I’d call them back because they knew full and well that it wouldn’t happen.

  Hopping off the bed, I put my phone in my pocket and went off to find my baby girl. There was no telling what she’d conned my parents’ into letting her do this morning.

  When I opened the door, I smelled the aroma of my mom’s French toast coming from the kitchen. Without wasting another second, I walked in the direction of the smell. As I rounded the corner, I stopped in my tracks. Grace was standing on a chair in front of the stove and my dad was the one who was actually cooking. He was talking to her in a soft tone and explaining to her how you had to wait until the toast cooked on
each side before you flipped it. In turn, she kept grabbing for the spatula and pointing to the toast that was on the griddle. Laughter escaped my dad’s mouth and his shoulders shook from amusement at the eagerness of my daughter wanting to cook.

  The sight of the two of them filled my heart with joy. I loved that Grace got to experience the same experiences that I had as a child. I loved that my parents’ would get to be a part of her life more often now that we didn’t live almost an hour away.

  “What are you two getting into today?” I stated as I walked fully into the room, catching them off guard. Grace jumped a little, but my dad held on to her back so she wouldn’t fall out of the chair.

  “Toast, Daddy,” she turned and said with a grin. Her head immediately turned back around to concentrate on the task at hand.

  “Oh yeah,” I stated enthusiastically, her little head bobbed up and down to confirm. She was too busy trying to pay attention to the French toast to acknowledge me. Anything that made her happy made me happy.

  I sat down at the table and stared at them, taking in the memories in the making. She was a little too young to remember, but I’d never forget. My dad used to help me cook too, and I was incredibly grateful that she got to experience it with him as well. I reached into my pocket and pulled out my phone to capture the moment. Both were facing the griddle, Grace leaned into my dad as he talked in hushed tones with one hand resting on her back to make sure she stayed safe as she stood in the chair. I silenced my phone so I wouldn’t alert them of being photoed and snapped a few pictures. I was admiring them when my phone suddenly vibrated in my hand, startling me.

  I looked down and noticed Magdalena’s name on the screen. Since moving back here, we’d gotten together a few times with the kids and they became instant friends. Sliding my finger across the screen, I opened up the messaging app and smiled at her text.

  Magdalena: Hey, Wes. How are you and Grace today? Hope all is well over there since it’s pure chaos here. I have a terror on my hands that’s insisting on seeing Grace today. He even told me that he had to have a sleepover. So can Grace pretty please stay the night so he’ll stop driving me insane?

  I couldn’t help but laugh at her message. I could only picture Liam constantly begging her until she caved in on texting me. Hell, I’m surprised she didn’t call and put him on the phone to try and play dirty. I took a few moments, only to make her sweat a little, and decided to put her out of her misery. I laughed as I typed out my reply.

  Wes: Hey, Magdalena. We’re all good here. Grace is becoming a chef as we speak. I’d say I’m sorry that he’s driving you insane, but that’d be a lie. LOL! If you insist, sure she can stay the night. But you have to promise that you’ll call if she cries. She hasn’t stayed away from me since we moved back home.

  Sitting the phone down on the table so I’d hear it vibrate, I walked over to the counter and kissed the top of Grace’s head for no reason other than to show her she was loved. She needed the extra comfort lately, and I was always willing to show her so she didn’t feel the loss of her mother as much.

  She turned around and put her two little hands on my chest and pushed back, harder than I expected her little two-year-old self to be able to. I laughed because this was something she would’ve done before her world was ripped apart.

  “No, Daddy. I make you food. You sit,” she demanded as she put her hand on her hip.

  I leaned my head back and took a big breath through my nose, trying my best not to laugh. I was in for hell come her teenage years if she was this dramatic at two.

  “Yes, ma’am,” I said and put my hands in the air as I backed away.

  Just as I sat back down, the phone vibrated again. I picked it up and swiped the screen again, knowing it was Magdalena.

  Magdalena: You think you’re so funny, huh? Well, mister, you’re not. It’s not funny when you have a demanding toddler TELLING you what you have to do because it’s going to end the world if you don’t. I swear he’s so dramatic. Thanks for letting her stay. I’ll come pick her up in a couple of hours. We’re going to stop by the farm so I can see the horse. See ya soon!

  Talking about dramatic. She was the dramatic one. Only I could totally see Liam acting that way to get what he wanted. Serves her right. I typed back my response momentarily.

  Weston: You’re the one being dramatic. LOL! I’m sure he wasn’t THAT bad. Are you sure about coming to get her? You don’t have to go out of your way. I can bring her to you if that’s okay. Is Andrew okay with having two toddlers in his house? LOL!

  My phone went off again before I could even sit it down.

  Magdalena: Oh it was worse than bad, but oh well. Yes, I’m sure. We’re going to be in the area anyway. He’ll be okay. See you in a few hours.

  I didn’t know if I should warn him or not. After a few moments of deliberating, I decided not to. It’d be fun to see him sweat. I responded that I’d see her soon as I felt a tug on my shorts.

  Looking down, my little pumpkin held a plate almost as big as she was with both hands out to me. The moment was the cutest thing I’d seen in a while.

  “Toast, Daddy,” she said with the biggest grin as she attempted to hold the plate higher in the air to hand it to me. Before the French toast could fall, I caught the plate and sat it down before me.

  “Thank you so much,” I replied as I ruffled her hair. She pulled back immediately a scowl forming on her lips.

  “You mess my hair up, Daddy. I pretty,” she said as she stomped her foot at me.

  “Your hair looks perfect, pumpkin. How about you sit up here with me and eat some toast?” I coaxed, knowing she loved this breakfast.

  She climbed into my lap and waited as I cut up her portion. My dad brought me a plate over and I scooped hers onto her own plate and added a little syrup. I scooted up the chair and positioned her on my knee so she wouldn’t slide off as we dug into the breakfast. Another perfect memory in the making.

  Chapter 10

  It felt so nice to be going out and hanging out with the gang. So good that I felt guilty that Magdalena had Grace. Even though she offered, I couldn’t help but feel like a bad parent for leaving my child with someone else just so I could hang with some friends. She assured me for the twentieth time to go out and enjoy myself a few moments ago. I’d been texting her nonstop asking how Grace was doing and if she acted like she wanted to come home. If Grace had, Magdalena hadn’t told me. As a matter of fact, her last message said she’d turn her phone off if I kept interrupting the sleepover. And she had the audacity to tell me I was acting worse than a mother leaving her child for the first time. I was just being extra cautious since Grace had such bad anxiety right after Kenzie left.

  Reluctantly, I took her advice. I pulled into the Davis’ driveway and veered off before I got to the house. The bonfire was out in the field off to the right of the house. I could see the light illuminating in the darkness off in the distance. I braced myself as I drove over bump after bump until I arrived where everyone was. I cut off the engine and pulled out my phone, putting it on vibrate. Magdalena told me to leave it in the truck, but I just couldn’t. Not when my baby could need me.

  I shoved the device into my pocket and grabbed the hoodie that was in the seat of the truck. I threw it over my head and left the hood on. The night air in April was chilly tonight and I’d need the protection to remain warm even with the fire producing heat.

  I climbed out of the truck and walked over to the group of people that had already gathered, recognizing most right away.

  I saw Davis off to the left of the barrel of fire talking to a couple of guys we went to school with, Mike and Bobby. And good ol’ Trenton Quinn off to the right with a woman. A beautiful woman at that. We all joked on the computer genius turned Marine when we were in high school because he acted so awkward around girls. Oh the stories we could tell to embarrass him now. He was laughing at something that another buddy from high school, Miller, had apparently said.

  “Hey, guys. Look who finall
y arrived,” Davis announced as he raised his beer into the air. It felt good to be around these guys again. I hadn’t gotten to hang out with them in so long, I honestly thought our friendship was over. But I should’ve known Davis wouldn’t let me go so easily. Hell, he’d never let any of us go. He’d always said we were stuck with him, and he’d been right so far. We hadn’t been able to get rid of him. Not that we’d want to.

  “I’m not late. All of y’all are just early,” I joked as I walked over to Davis and gave him a one-armed hug. Trenton wasn’t far behind. He came up behind me and climbed onto my back, wrapping his arms and legs around me. If it weren’t for my quick reflexes we’d both be on our asses.

  Instead of throwing him off, I took off running and he did his best to try and hold on. Without any warning, I stopped and started to turn around as fast as I could. Continuously going around and around until he called Uncle. Just like old times.

  Only I wasn’t as young as we were back then and the dizziness caught up to me quicker than I expected. He climbed off and we both bent over to catch our breath. I didn’t know why he was out of breath. I was the one running and spinning around like a maniac.

  “It’ll never get old,” he said through pants of deep breaths.

  “Nah, not in this lifetime,” I joked while trying to catch my breath.

  “I want you to meet someone,” he said. He sounded so sure of himself as he looked back toward the woman he was with earlier, who was bent over in a fit of laughter from our antics. This Trenton was different. In a good way. More confident, something he wasn’t when he’d signed up for the Marines. He stood taller. Talked with more firmness. The Trenton we all knew he could be if he got up from behind a computer and interacted with the living.

  I took a few more deep breaths to calm my racing heart and shook my head. We walked a few feet over to where she stood, me following closely behind him. I put my hands in my back pockets to warm them up. The air was colder than I’d thought it’d be tonight. I stopped a few feet away from her as he walked to her side, pulling her closer to him. She rested her head on his shoulder, a smile forming on her lips. A smile that could make a man weak in the knees if you’d let it. The happiness and love she felt for him radiated off of her with just that one look. Making me wish him all the best. Out of everyone, he deserved it the most.