Conflicted (The Existing Series Book 2)

by Guilliams,A. M.

  “Yes you can. You need to do this. Saying goodbye will help give you closure. Hearing people speak about him will help you. I know it doesn’t seem like it, but in the long run, you’ll want to listen to what other people thought of him. The memories we all had of the amazing man known as Trenton Quinn,” he tried to reassure me, but my mind didn’t believe any of it. His voice broke toward the end, telling me that he was having just as a hard time as I was. Only that didn’t make me feel any better. Knowing that he was breaking just as much as I was made it hurt worse. Because he was being so strong, not breaking down once. And I knew it was because of me. He couldn’t grieve because of me. What kind of person did such a selfless act for someone he’d just met? Weston Corbin. That’s who.

  “Do you actually believe that?” I asked, and the tears continued to flow; nothing would make them stop now. The dam had broken free again, not that they’d ever stopped to begin with.

  “I honestly do. So come on and get up so we can go honor one of the most amazing men that I knew. My mom is on standby to help you if you need it,” he encouraged as he got up from behind me and pulled on my arm to bring me into a sitting position with him.

  His finger tilted my chin upward, and my eyes slowly looked up to meet his. The depths of his baby blues showed concern and sorrow, making me want to wrap my arms around him and be the one to console him for a change. Only, I didn’t know if I could be that bold. Wasn’t sure if I had the strength to try and be the rock for someone when I could barely hold myself together for five minutes.

  “You can do this. I’ll be there the whole time. I promise.”

  “What happens when you’re not, though?”

  “What do you mean?” he asked as his brows furrowed together.

  “What happens when you go on with your life and you’re not there. I can’t keep doing this to you. You can’t continue to be a fixture in my life because one day you’ll need to carry on with yours, and I’ll be left trying to pick up the shattered pieces all over again,” I admitted thoughts that I’d kept to myself for the past twenty-four hours. I could easily see myself relying on him to carry me through, he was just that adamant, but I had to put a stop to it before I broke yet again.

  “Hey, none of that talk now. I’m here for as long as you need. Especially today. Do you need some help getting ready? I can call my mom down here to help.”

  “I’ll be okay. I don’t even know what I’m going to wear. All of my clothes are at his brother’s.”

  “He brought the suitcase over yesterday. He’d figured you’d need it since I told him you were staying here instead of there.”

  “Thank you for that,” I whispered.

  “You’re welcome. There are fresh towels and your bag is already in the bathroom. I’m going to go upstairs and check on Grace while you’re showering. Yell if you need anything,” he said as he stood, kissing me on the top of my head before he walked toward the stairs.

  I took several deep breaths and then went to take a shower. The quicker I got ready, the quicker I could get through the toughest moment of my life. Even harder than being left alone at the age of eighteen.

  The hot shower did nothing to soothe me. If anything, I felt worse. My muscles were coiled tighter than before the heat touched them. I got out of the shower and wrapped a towel around my hair and another around my body. I wiped the film from the mirror with my hand and stood there staring at my reflection. Someone I didn’t recognize stared back at me. I didn’t break eight years ago, but now…. Now I felt like I could crumble with the weight of the pain I was in. I felt like my life was over. Gone. Vanished into thin air with him. I turned away quickly and rushed out of the room, grabbing my bag before I walked out. Not bothering to check to see if anyone had returned. I rubbed the towel over my body as harsh as I could. Feeling the pain from the harshness of the towel reminded me that I was still here. Somewhere in a place that he wasn’t.

  I rummaged through the suitcase and found my underwear and bra. Once they were on, I sat on the bed, almost unable to continue standing as the reality of today set in. The closer I got to getting ready, the harder my heart pounded within the walls of my chest. I tried to calm myself but failed. My breaths came quicker and the tears began to fall yet again. I had to try to pull myself together, but I didn’t know how. The more I tried not to cry, the more tears seemed to fall.

  I put my head in my hands and just let the emotions run through me. I tried not to feel, but that hadn’t worked out so far. The only thing I’d been able to do for three days was feel. Pain. Sorrow. Grief. Anger. And more pain.

  Footsteps came down the stairs, but they were lighter than normal and they stopped mere seconds after they got to the bottom. Moments later I felt a tiny finger tapping me on my leg. I wiped my eyes and sniffled to try and gain my composure.

  Looking up, a pair of sparkling blue eyes stared back at me. Ones identical to her father’s. She was absolutely beautiful. I’d heard him talk about his daughter the night of the accident, but had yet to meet her until now. Somehow he’d kept her from coming down here.

  “Hi there,” I spoke, trying to sound a little happier than I felt.

  “Hi. You sad?” she asked as she reached up and touched my cheek.

  Apparently, I did a horrible job at hiding my feelings from her.

  “Yes, baby. I’m sad,” I admitted as I put my hands down on my legs.

  Before I knew it, she climbed into my lap and wrapped her arms around me, squeezing me as tight as her little arms could. Shocked, I wrapped my arms loosely around her and returned the hug. I shut my eyes and bit my lip to attempt to keep myself from crying all over again because I instantly thought about what Trenton and I would never have. A little girl or boy to call our own. I immediately wished that he was right with the joke he’d kept telling about his sperm knocking me up.

  “Grace,” Weston called out as he barreled down the stairs.

  “Hi, Daddy,” she beamed as she turned in my lap, but didn’t get down. She turned back around and wrapped her arms back around me, shocking me even more. Especially since I just realized I was in my bra and panties, hugging his child as he came down the stairs.

  “Stop,” I screamed out as I stood up and sat Grace down on the bed. Her little lip trembled at my cry and tears welled up in her eyes.

  “It’s okay, sweetie. I didn’t mean to scare you. I just need to get dressed before your daddy sees me like this,” I said in a sweet voice trying not to frighten her again.

  I threw clothes out of the bag and found nothing that would be suitable for today. Shit. I needed to hurry up before he came down any further. Frantically, I searched the room. For what I didn’t know, but over the closet doorframe beside the bathroom, a black dress hung from the frame. Where that came from, I hadn’t the slightest idea, but I’d be sure to ask later. I threw the dress over my head, shocked at the fact that it actually fit. And it fit quite well.

  “How do I look?” I asked, hoping to cheer her up.

  “Purty,” she replied as she climbed off the bed and ran over to me, jumping up into my arms.

  “You can come down now,” I shouted hoping he could hear me.

  Grace wrapped her arms around me and laid her head down on my shoulder. I cuddled into her, wishing like hell I could have this someday, but heartbroken at the fact that I’d never have it with the man I wanted to share it with.

  Weston continued down the stairs and stopped at the bottom. I turned and looked at him, a shocked expression shown on his face.

  “What are you doing down here, pumpkin? Didn’t I tell you to go find Maw-Maw?”

  She shook her head but didn’t lift it from my shoulder.

  “She sad, Daddy. I give her hug,” she whispered. She was so sweet.

  “I’m sorry she disturbed you getting ready. We have to leave in twenty minutes. I was just coming down to make sure you found the dress that my mom picked up for you,” he admitted as he put his hands in his pockets and stared at the floor.
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  “Yes, I did. Thank you. I just have to fix my hair and I’ll be ready. I’m not going to even bother with makeup. It’ll get washed away the second we pull up for the ceremony.”

  “Come on, Grace. Maw-Maw is looking for you and Delaney needs to finish getting ready,” he said as he held out his hand for her to take.

  She wiggled out of my arms and I sat her down on the floor, making sure she was steady before I let go of her hand.

  “Bye, Laney,” she said as she waved to me.

  “Bye, Grace,” I said as I walked into the bathroom to fix my hair.

  I pulled the bottle of mousse out of my toiletry bag and put some in my hand. I ran it throughout my hair and scrunched my hair into waves. I threw my head back and grabbed the banana clip out of the bag. After I made sure there were no fly-aways, I pinned back my hair and looked into the mirror. I was as ready as I’d ever be.

  I walked into the basement living area and pulled my black flats out of my suitcase and slid them on my feet. I shook out my arms and took a few deep breaths. After I was sure I wouldn’t cry, I held my head up high and went to search for Weston.

  The ride to the church felt like it passed too quickly. I wanted to use the ride there to prepare myself, only there was no amount of preparing I could really do to make sure I made it through this day. I wasn’t sure I believed what Weston had said back at his house. I didn’t need closure. I didn’t need to say goodbye. What I needed was for Trenton to be alive. What I wanted was to be in his arms and to never let him go. I didn’t want nor need to see him lying there in his military uniform. Still. Unmoving. Lifeless. I didn’t want that memory to be my last of him. I couldn’t bear the thought of seeing him that way. Knowing he would be in that wooden box for all eternity. He didn’t deserve to die. He should be here. With me. Making a life with me. Living out our dreams. Not dead in a casket.

  A hand touched my shoulder, bringing me out of my thoughts. I turned toward the person and looked up, noticing it was Weston’s mom, not him.

  “I know this is hard for you. I know you’re hurting. I can’t imagine the pain you feel. But just know you’re not alone. We’re here to help you through it. Anything you need, just promise you’ll ask. My son told me a little bit about you. I know you’re alone in the world and that’s no way to live. So let us be the rock you need to make it through this trying time. You don’t have to make any rash decisions now. Just grieve. It won’t be easy, but just know if you’ll accept it, you won’t have to do it alone,” she reassured me as she pulled me into a hug. I bit the inside of my cheek to prevent myself from breaking down. I was going to try my hardest to make it through the ceremony without losing it. I knew it was pointless, but I had to at least try.

  I shook my head, fearing that if I spoke I wouldn’t be able to hold it together for long. She understood my dilemma and patted my leg as she scooted out of the other side of the vehicle. I closed my eyes and pictured a smiling Trenton. That’s how I’d make it through today. I’d see him happy, full of life, joking around. Not lifeless and unmoving.

  I opened the door of the SUV and stepped out to a waiting Weston. He took my hand within his own and rubbed his thumb across my fingers as he tried to calm me.

  He looked down at me and told me that we could do this, and I hoped he was right. If not, I’m not sure I could handle the alternative.

  We walked into the church and I immediately pulled him back, shaking my head. I couldn’t go up there. No amount of attempting to convince me would get me to change my mind. I was going to stand my ground and refuse no matter how hard he tried.

  Instead of trying to talk me out of it, he nodded his head and walked to the left side of the church and down the aisle toward our seat, which happened to be in the second row. I heard people talking, but I blocked them out. I couldn’t handle hearing their tears. Their pain and sorrow. Especially since I was barely holding it together.

  Moments later the funeral began with the pastor saying a prayer. He spoke of Trenton fondly. Telling the massive crowd of people how much of an amazing man he was and how the world would be completely different without him.

  When his friends were offered a chance to speak, I squeezed Weston tighter. I didn’t think I could handle their memories. Not on top of my own.

  Friend after friend spoke of the best times they spent with Trenton. Not one of their stories shocked me. From the time he ran streaking down the road on a dare and had to jump into the bushes to remain unseen from a passing truck, to the time he pranked the principal. It’s when Davis stood up to talk that I stopped breathing. I hadn’t seen him since that night. My heart broke for the man who slowly walked to the podium. He looked like he hadn’t slept in days.

  He turned to face everyone, tears already flowing down his face.

  “Trenton Quinn was one of my best friends. An amazing man who should’ve lived a hell of a lot longer than he did. I have so many good memories that I can’t pick just one to share because the truth is, my life is never going to be the same without him. He always made sure to stay in touch even when he was overseas because that’s the type of friend he was. He was selfless. Never cared about himself as much as he cared about others. I admired that one quality about him. I’m a better man because of him. I’m just extremely sorry I couldn’t save him,” he said as he broke down. He looked up like he was going to attempt to say more, but I could tell he wouldn’t be able to. He waited a minute more and looked down to the ground as he walked down.

  I wasn’t sure how much more I could take. I could feel myself breaking even more as each story was told.

  It was when Weston cleared his throat as he stood that my resolve was about to break. Hearing him speak would be my undoing. He buttoned his suit jacket and gave me a half a smile as he turned and walked to the podium.

  “Trenton Quinn wasn’t just my friend. He was my third brother. We did everything together, except join the military. That was his calling. Not mine. The day he enlisted, I knew he’d do everything in his power to make the world a better place. I know he made my life better just by being in it. I remember that geeky kid in high school that was too scared to talk to a girl. The one who loved the chess team more than he loved to party. Who could do anything you could imagine on a computer. Legal or otherwise. Seeing him the other night, for the first time in a two years, was like he’d never left. Because in a way he hadn’t. He was always there. On the phone or video calls just to make me and my daughter laugh. That’s what I’ll miss the most. His jokes. The way he lightened up my life. Trenton Quinn will be greatly missed and there will always be a hole in my heart where he should’ve been,” he said, only shedding tears when he was finished. Unlike me. I’d started crying before he even began to speak.

  He sat down and pulled me into him, my head laid on his shoulder as we attempted to comfort each other through this trying time.

  The funeral concluded and men in uniforms came down the aisle to carry his casket out of the church. In unison, they all marched to the same beat. All moved the same way. Their facial expressions never wavering. All concentrating on the task at hand. Carefully, they lifted the casket and walked toward the side of the church. I just had to get through the last part at the gravesite. Then I could go back to Weston’s basement and hide. Cry myself to sleep and pray that tomorrow this all got easier.

  The drive to the gravesite was short. Too short. I needed more time. Only that was something that Trenton never got. More time to love me. More time for me to love him. Our time was cut short, and selfishly I wanted to scream because it wasn’t fair. Life wasn’t fair. That I knew all too well.

  We waited in the SUV for his casket to be carried over. My heart began to shatter at the finality of what was about to occur. The final goodbye to the man I loved with my whole being. Once his casket was placed on the spot above his grave, the men remained standing beside him and we were all instructed to get out of our vehicles.

  I followed Weston out of the SUV on autopilot. I stared at t
he flag-covered casket, my heart pounding faster and faster with each second that passed. I looked over to my right and saw his mother breaking down, her sobs growing louder with our final goodbyes.

  Moments later, the pastor cleared his voice and said one last prayer. I bowed my head and listened to his words of promising times would grow easier. That Trenton was in his final resting place. When his last words were spoken, I kept my head down. I couldn’t bear to see the flag being folded. The Taps began to play and my resolve broke. I threw my hand up to drown out the sobs that wrenched from my body. I bent over and laid my head on my knees and crumbled.

  The first set of gunshots rang out, causing me to jump and pieces of my heart to completely shatter. The second set rang out, and I felt my future slipping away. The future I should’ve had with the man of my dreams. When the final set of shots sounded, I knew that I’d never be the same. No one would fill the hole that he’d left. There would never be another Trenton Quinn.

  I felt someone put their hand on my shoulder, but I couldn’t move. My body was stuck in this position as all the heartbreak poured out of me. Lips touched my hair. Whose, I had no clue. Until she spoke.

  “Thank you for loving my boy. He was so much happier with you in his life. He had purpose from the second you agreed to be in his life. I knew it the second I talked to him and heard the difference in his voice. Please know that you were his world. You made him happy. You were the love of his life. Never doubt that. It makes me happy knowing that he had that kind of rare love in his life. That he got to experience that before he left this world. If there’s anything you need, please don’t hesitate to ask,” she said as she attempted to hold it together. Making me feel horrible for breaking down when I should’ve remained strong.

  “Take care of her, Weston,” she demanded as I heard her walk away. Only it wasn’t his responsibility to do so.