Conflicted (The Existing Series Book 2)

by Guilliams,A. M.

  “Do you want anything to drink?”

  “One of those,” she said as she pointed to the bottle in my hand.

  “Not a chance, sweetheart,” I said as I walked around her and into the house.

  She followed closely behind telling me that she was just kidding and that she’d like a water if I had any.

  I grabbed the bottle out of the fridge and turned around to face her. I focused on her eyes noticing the exhaustion and stress. That wasn’t good for her or the baby. She needed to relax.

  I handed her the bottle of water, our fingers grazing slightly. Instead of pulling away, I let them linger until she pulled her hand away. Diverting her eyes, she stared out the open back door.

  “You want to grab a blanket and lay out in the field tonight?” I asked, hoping she’d want to enjoy the evening weather since it had cooled off tremendously since earlier. I finished off my beer and threw the bottle into the trash, a loud clanking noise sounded throughout the room.

  “Sure,” she beamed. I loved how much she seemed to love the outdoors. In the few times I’d suggested that we hang out outside, she’d always complied with what I wanted and even seemed happy about it.

  I walked down the hall to the linen closet and grabbed an old quilt. Quietly, I walked into Grace’s room and turned on the monitor and grabbed the receiver just in case she woke up which was rare.

  “Did you already eat? I can make you something,” I asked as I stopped in the kitchen and waited for her response.

  “I picked up a sub on the way home and ate it while I drove here,” she said, turning to walk out the door.

  I was a few feet behind her as I walked down the steps and in the direction she was headed. She stopped and turned around, looking over the space then asked if the spot would be okay. I looked around to make sure there weren’t any sticks on the ground and nodded my head.

  I spread out the blanket and once she had sat down, I sat down as well.

  “It’s beautiful out here at night when the sun is setting,” she said. The sun had almost fully set behind the mountains, lighting the sky in a pink and orange glow.

  “I’ve always loved the sunsets and sunrises here. They calm me when I’ve had a bad day or help me start the day off right. I think they’ll always be a favorite of mine.”

  “What’s something else that you love about living here?” she asked as she put her hands behind her and leaned back on her arms.

  “I love the summers. Going swimming, catching lightning bugs, grilling out with the family. The list could go on and on. But I also love all of the other seasons as well for various other reasons. I don’t think there’s anything that I don’t like about being here,” I said with pride.

  “Why do you love catching lightning bugs so much?” she giggled.

  “Growing up, we’d have races to see who could catch them the fastest. We’d get mason jars and just run around trying to find them lighting up. It’s at that moment when I had a few in my jar and they lit up that I had their beauty lighting up my life. I know I sound like a girl, but whenever I think about a lightning bug to this day, I always picture the jar with ten or so in it, and their light illuminating my life.”

  “Wow. That’s deep,” she said trying to contain her laughter.

  “Have you been to the doctor yet?” I asked as I shrugged my shoulders in response to her comment.

  “Yes. He confirmed my pregnancy and gave me a December eighteenth due date. Looks like I’m going to have a Christmas baby if all goes well,” she replied as she rubbed tiny circles across her stomach. Worry instantly crossed her features and I felt bad for bringing it up.

  “I’m glad. Have you told anyone yet?”

  “My work knows, and I finally found the courage to call Trenton’s mom yesterday. She’s reached out a few times since I’ve been back, but I’d ignored all of her attempts to see me because I didn’t know how to react. She came to the hospital to have lunch with me on a whim and I told her. If we weren’t in public, I believe her reaction would’ve been worse. She cried so hard I didn’t think she’d ever stop. And of course my hormones got the best of me, and I cried right along with her. She begged me to not let anything happen to the last piece of her son. Since those words left her mouth all I’ve done is worry about letting her down if something happens to this baby,” she said as she flopped down on her back on the blanket.

  I laid down beside her and turned my gaze to the star-filled sky above. I didn’t say anything for a few long minutes so she could regain her composure. I heard the sadness in her voice as she recalled the events from the prior day, and I felt for her having the added stress.

  “She’s just happy that she gets this one final piece of him. I can understand where she’s coming from, but she shouldn’t have voiced those concerns to you. Did the doctor indicate that you had anything to worry about?” I asked, hoping that my words would be the start of her alleviating some of the stress she felt.

  “No, he said everything looked great. He performed another ultrasound and tried to see if he could see the sex of the baby, but he or she kept their legs closed tight. When I go back in four weeks they’re going to try again since I’ll be twenty weeks,” she explained.

  “Then don’t worry until you have to. Don’t take her words to heart. Just let them roll right off of you. How are you handling the news now? Any more breakdowns?” I asked, concerned that she’d have another moment like the night out on the road, only I wouldn’t be there to save her.

  “I’m still sad that he won’t be here and our child won’t ever have any memories of him. I got off work early the other day and went to his gravesite. I sat there for two hours and just talked, letting all of my emotions flow freely. I screamed and laughed and then cried for everything we lost. Somehow, it made me feel better. Like I was able to gain some closure just by talking to him. After I had my breakdown, I told him everything about the doctor’s appointment and how well the baby was doing. It seemed crazy to have a conversation with a stone since I know he’s not there, but it felt good to have a place where no one would bother me and I could just let it all out. The whole two hours was very therapeutic. I’m nowhere near done grieving over him, but I’m getting to the point where I don’t feel like I’m suffocating every day. Having this baby inside me has given me a reason to move through the grieving process and look forward to what’s to come,” she admitted while she stared up at the twinkling stars above.

  I rolled onto my side to face her and bent my elbow, putting my hand under my head to have a place to rest it. She looked up at me, pain, tiredness, sorrow all flooding the depths of her tear-filled eyes.

  With my other hand, I traced her jaw line and caressed her cheek. She shut her eyes and moved into my touch.

  Softly, I spoke the following words, “Between the two of us, along with Trenton’s parents’ and his other friends, this baby will feel like he or she knew him. We can constantly talk about him and share our memories of him so that he lives on through this child. I’m glad that you went there to see him and talk to him. I’ve found that it helps me feel better, too. I’ve been a couple of times myself and each time I felt like he was sitting right beside me listening to all my worries and frustrations. I’m also glad you’re looking to the future and where it will lead once the baby comes. Have you found a place to live yet?”

  She opened her eyes and looked directly into mine as she scooted closer to me. When her body was flush against mine, she leaned her head to rest against my chest.

  “I can’t find anything I like. Every place that you suggested I find something wrong with. I don’t have much more time and continuing to stay at the inn is becoming too expensive. I’m hoping I find something soon. I don’t want to be moving when I have a beach ball for a stomach.”

  “Move in here with me and Grace,” I suggested. The moment the words were out of my mouth, shock moved through me.

  What the hell are you thinking, moron? That’s wrong on so many levels. My subconsc
ious scolded me as I shook my head in disbelief that the suggestion had even came out of my mouth.

  “Are you crazy? We don’t know each other that well. Grace likes me but she’s still getting used to me. And I’m about to have a baby. That’s a lot to take on in a roommate,” she said.

  I understood where she came from, but it was a solution to her problems and I’d always tried to fix everyone’s problems. Except my own. Those I just ignored like the plague.

  “No, I’m not crazy. It doesn’t have to be forever. It’s just temporary until you find something. And if you can’t find something before the baby’s born at least you’ll have someplace to bring him or her home to and not worry. Just think about it. The offer will be open for as long as you may need it.”

  “I’ll think about it,” she said as she rolled on her side to get more comfortable. Her hand rested between our bodies on her stomach, and it warmed my heart to see how protective she was when it came to the baby growing inside of her. She was going to be a great mother. I wrapped my arm around her and laid my head down on my other arm enjoying the peacefulness of the crickets chirping in the background.

  In the back of my mind, I felt my subconscious rearing its ugly head. Asking why I laid here with her in my arms. How dangerous it was to continue getting closer to her. How eventually I’d have to face the music that she may never get over him. But I couldn’t begin to care. Because laying here with her was innocent. Two friends consoling one another. If my feelings grew, I’d handle it then. Until then, I’d allow her to continue to unknowingly calm the storm that continued to brew inside of me daily. Here lately I had other things to focus on and the rage stayed on the backburner because I was too tired to even think let alone feel when I came home.

  But one day that wouldn’t be the case.

  One day I would have to face the music.

  And my rage.

  And I wouldn’t be able to use her presence as a scapegoat to mask the pain.

  Until then, I’d continue to love the calm feeling she brought when she was around.

  We laid there in complete silence for another hour until the wind picked up and it became chilly. I wanted her to stay since it had gotten so late, but she said she had to go because of work the next day. I let her go with the promise of getting a text when she got back to the inn.

  I brought the blanket and monitor back inside and sat them on the floor at the beginning of the hall then walked her to the door. I reminded her of her promise to text when she got back and that she needed to be careful when driving. She rolled her eyes and nodded her head as she walked to her vehicle.

  Tonight had been a good night. A relaxing night. I felt like Delaney had opened up to me more about her fears, but her worries brought on fears of my own. Making me realize that I may be in more trouble than I’d originally thought. I wanted to be the one to help her through it all.

  Only if she’d let me.

  Chapter 20

  After the night in the field, my conflicted emotions continued to weigh heavily on my mind. I didn’t know what to do. I felt like an impostor moving in on someone who was already taken. I felt like it was way too soon to even consider the possibility of her moving on and then felt like an ass because of it. I also felt guilty because we’d grown closer and my feelings had begun to grow for her at a rapid rate. It was hard not to fall for someone like her. She was funny, passionate, and stronger than she realized. She was amazing with Grace. So patient with her, especially when she threw a tantrum.

  I just didn’t know what to do about the feelings that I tried so hard to hide. I knew I was falling for her, but it was wrong. People would judge everything, and I couldn’t have her feeling unwelcome. I didn’t personally care what they thought, but she would.

  Today was Saturday and my brother and his wife had Grace so they could take her on an outing with their kids. Leaving me here alone to ponder my thoughts. Instead of wallowing in them, I made a decision. I was going to talk to the one person who would understand the most. Hopefully, I could gain some guidance for the situation I’d put myself in. I couldn’t take much more before I imploded. I needed to get it all out and maybe I’d gain some clarity.

  The drive took about fifteen minutes and when I pulled in all of the older headstones came into view. You could barely read the names on them because of how old they were. I drove around to the back part of the cemetery and looked for the spot where Trenton was laid to rest.

  I stopped beside the oak tree and shut off the engine. His mother loved this spot for him because of this tree. That’s the only reason I could find it so easily.

  Leaving the keys in the ignition, I got out of truck and walked over to Trenton’s grave. The headstone marked the spot. His mother had a bench brought out here in memory of him that was off to the right a few feet. I sat down in front and wiped off the leaves and sticks that had covered the top of the stone.

  “You have no idea how much I miss you, man. It’s so hard here without you. I know we didn’t see each other often, but you were my brother at heart. I just hate that I’m in a world where you aren’t anymore. You deserve to be here not in the ground. I’m trying so hard to keep your promise, but it’s so hard. She’s finally letting me in and seeing that I want to help her. But there’s a problem with all of that. I’m falling for her. I long for her when she’s not there. Hell, my daughter asks if we’re going to see her now. It just doesn’t feel right. You didn’t have me promise to take care of her to have me move in on your girl. I’m trying really hard to ignore how I feel to honor you and your memory. But it’s so hard when she’s in pain or when she second guesses everything because you’re not here. You’re going to be a father and that makes me feel ten times worse. I’d never try to take your place. I’ve already promised to help Delaney make sure that this baby knows you. But I need some help here. I need to know if all of this is okay. It’s only been three months and I feel like an ass that this has come about since she came back from California, but she’s so easy to want to be around. So easy to develop feelings for. I don’t know what to do. I wish you were here to tell me what I should do. But that doesn’t make sense because if you were here we wouldn’t be having this one-sided conversation and I wouldn’t even have these feelings. But I do and I can’t continue denying it. I’m already holding in the anger I feel for Mackenzie. I don’t think I can hold this in as well. Please, just give me a fucking sign that what I’m feeling is okay. That I have your blessing to make this more if it leads that far. I know I’m rambling and I know you really can’t give me a sign, but God do I fucking wish you could. It would make this so much easier,” I pleaded, running my hands through my hair and pulling at the ends.

  The wind blew fairly hard and the tree branches above swayed to the rhythm of the breeze.

  “Is that really how you feel?” I heard from behind me, causing my back to stiffen and the hair on my neck to stand on end.

  “How much of that did you hear?” I asked Delaney without turning around to look at her. I was too embarrassed at the moment to even ponder moving to look at her.

  “I heard most of it,” she admitted.

  Mother effing hell. This is why I kept my feelings inside. Because you never knew if someone you hadn’t intended to hear would, in fact, overhear what you wished had stayed hidden.

  “You don’t have to say anything. I just figured I would come here to vent and maybe get some clarity. It’s worked every other time except this one. Apparently, I’m meant to deal with this all on my own,” I said as I stood and brushed off the seat of my pants, not turning to look at her. Instead, I continued to face the other way because I couldn’t face her.

  “You don’t have to feel guilty about how you feel. That’s not a way to live. If I’ve learned anything from this tragedy, it’s that life can end in the blink of an eye and there may never be enough time here on Earth. You have to cherish every moment that you’re given and fight for the ones you want to have. You feel how you feel for a reason,
and there’s nothing wrong with that.” She sounded so sure of herself that I almost didn’t believe it was her.

  “That’s so much easier said than done. You’re his girl. Meaning you’re off limits. It doesn’t matter how I feel. That’s never going to change,” I said, finally turning around to look at her.

  She stepped closer to me. So close our chests were almost touching.

  She looked up at me and said, “That’s where you’re wrong. I was his girl. And I loved him with my whole heart. But I’m not his girl anymore because he’s not here. You can’t lump me in some category just because it’s convenient for you. I’m my own person, not someone’s property as you just made it sound. I know you feel that way because of some guy code, but you should stop. You shouldn’t regret how you feel because I don’t either.”

  That last sentence alone caused my eyes to bulge out of my head. What the hell did that mean? I remained quiet, hoping that she’d elaborate, but she didn’t. She kneeled before the headstone and kissed the tips of her fingers then touched the center. She bowed her head momentarily then stood and walked toward me.

  She grabbed my hand and I had no choice but follow. She walked me over to the driver’s side of my truck and stopped.

  “Do you want to hang out tonight? I kind of don’t want to be alone and you seem like you don’t want to be either. We can watch silly cartoons with Grace and then watch a movie once she’s asleep,” she suggested with a smile.

  “Only if you agree to sleep in the guest room. I hate when you leave that late,” I countered.

  “Deal. I’ll stop by the inn and grab my clothes. I have a couple of things I need to do on the computer and then I’ll be at your house,” she said, turning to walk back to the direction of her car.

  I hopped in my truck still oblivious as to what just happened. Starting the engine, I put the truck in drive and drove toward home. Confusion swept through me as I continued to play that last sentence on repeat in my mind.