Dreams of a Virgin

by John Foltin

  Housekeeping did their usual morning duties. This, however, would not be the usual morning. While cleaning Room 225, the housekeeper discovered a body lying on the bed, unclothed, blood coming from the crotch region. Her first instinct was to call the police.

  A half hour later, the forensics team was there examining the room and the body. They noticed not only blood in the crotch region but also a milky white substance, probably semen. They looked through her belongings and discovered her name was Yvette.

  The body was taken back to the morgue for an autopsy. Meanwhile, they went to the front desk to discover who the room was charged to. The credit card on file was in my name.

  They brought me in for questioning. I told them that I had never met her before today. I did stay in that room, and didn’t know how she got there. They let me go, but told me not to leave town.

  They exhumed the body. They determined the cause of death was internal bleeding. They noticed a hole through the vaginal region, and through the intestine. They found semen in the stomach, as well as traces throughout the intestine and vagina.

  Forensics went back to the room for further examination. Under the bed, they found a condom with a huge hole through the tip and covered in blood. They also got samples of the semen samples found on the sheet.

  They sent the sample obtained from the room with samples found in the body for DNA tests. The next day, the test came back. It was my DNA.

  I was arrested shortly afterward for murder. They told me about the evidence they had against me. So, I confessed and told them what happened.

  I met Yvette that night at a local nightclub. We hit it off right away. We danced the night away, humping and grinding. After closing time, we decided to keep the night going.

  I checked into the hotel. Shortly afterward, things got hot and heavy. We threw our clothes on the ground. Since I did believe in safe sex, I put on a condom over my loaded weapon.

  It wasn’t long before we were having sex. Thirty seconds later, I felt the rush come through me. My weapon fired a single shot. She let out a blood-curdling yell. I stopped and pulled out. I saw the blood on the condom and coming from her. I saw that she wasn’t moving. I panicked. I ripped off the condom and ran out of the room.

  I told them that this was my first sexual experience. It turned out that when the moment of climax came, forty years of backed-up pressure shot through me, through the condom, through her vaginal walls and through her intestine. This caused the internal bleeding which led to her death.

  A word to the wise. Sometimes it’s best to relieve a little pressure. Otherwise, you could turn sex into assault with a deadly weapon.

  JUST SIT RIGHT BACK...

  Most of us fantasize about being in a movie or TV show. Jeff has a fantasy about being Gilligan. Here is an episode that could not be aired.

  The sun rose over Gilligan’s island like any other day. This would be far from a normal day. Because on this episode, Gilligan had been replaced by me.

  I walked down to the lagoon to catch breakfast. While trying to find the right spot, I stumbled across a boat that had washed ashore. I ran back to the huts, the whole way yelling, “Skipper! Skipper!”

  When I got back to the village, after catching my breath, I told everyone about the boat that I had found. I led them back to the lagoon to the boat.

  The Professor looked it over. “Well, it looks to be in good shape. I will run a few tests, but it should get us back to civilization.”

  We noticed that the boat could only hold four people, and, of course, there were seven of us. Doing the math, we knew that three of us would be left behind.

  Everyone made their case as to why they should go back. As expected, no one was willing to be left behind.

  When the Professor came back and worked out a plan to leave, we decided that the only fair way to decide who left and who stayed would be to draw straws. The four long straws would leave the island and bring back help. The three short straws would have to wait until the others return.

  One by one, we all drew straws. The Professor, holding the straws, got the last straw. Comparing the straws, we saw that the four to leave were the Skipper, me, and Mr. and Mrs. Howell. This would leave the Professor, Ginger, and Mary Ann behind.

  That evening at dinner, a big feast was prepared for the four of us leaving in the morning. After dinner, I decided to go for a walk. After a while, I was spooked by a rustling in the bushes.

  Out came Ginger, who was following me. A seductive music filled the air. “Hi, Gilligan.” She slinked towards me. “So, this is your last night on the island.”

  “I guess so.”

  She whispered in my ear, “It doesn’t have to be.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “I mean, a nice, strong boy like you could survive here. What about poor, helpless little me? Who’s going to protect me here?”

  “Well, the Professor...”

  “Don’t get me wrong. He’s smart and all. But he’s not brave like you.” She kissed me on the left cheek. “Or handsome like you.” She kissed the other cheek. “Or wonderful like you.” She kissed me on the mouth.

  “What do you want me to do?”

  “I want you to stay on the island and let me take your spot on the boat.” She started to lower the straps on her gown. “If you do, I’ll make it worth your while.”

  “I don’t know.”

  “Well, let me make up your mind for you.” She dropped the dress. As I always knew, the carpet matched the drapes. She wrapped her arms around me. I could feel my bamboo shoot start to grow. She took off my pants and undershorts and lay me down in the sand. She crawled on top of me and planted my shoot in her maroon jungle. She started rocking back and forth, back and forth. My face was frozen with my mouth wide open.

  After several minutes of this, she got up and put her dress back on. “I’ll have my bags packed tomorrow.” She walked away. I was still lying there in a state of shock.

  After the effects of that wore off, I put my pants back on and headed back to the hut. Just outside of the hut, I ran into Mary Ann.

  “Oh. Hi, Gilligan. I was just looking for you.”

  “Hey, Mary Ann.”

  “I wanted to give you this, as a going away present. It’s your favorite, a coconut cream pie.”

  As she walked to give it to me, she tripped and smashed the pie on my crotch.

  “Oh, how clumsy of me. Here, let me get that.”

  She brushed the pie from my crotch. As she brushed, she also stroked.

  “I better get those pants off of you so I can wash that off.” She took off my pants. She held them up against her shirt. “Oops. Looks like I got some of that on my shirt, too. Guess I need to wash that, too.” She took off her shirt, wearing nothing underneath. Suddenly, there was a different type of white substance on my undershorts.

  She washed the clothes in front of me. As if she couldn’t look any hotter, the water splashing off her chest and the moon shining off of it gave me a new place to hang my hat. “It’s too bad you’re leaving tomorrow. I really wish I could go back, too. I mean, the Howells have their money to go back to, Ginger has Hollywood, you and the Skipper have your boat, and the Professor has his teaching. But all I have is my family that has to be worried sick by now.” She started to weep uncontrollably.

  After ten minutes of hard scrubbing, Mary Ann put the wet shirt back on, clinging to her ample chest. She handed me my pants, hugged me, and walked away.

  That night, I had a hard time sleeping. So many things were racing through my head.

  The next morning, the seven of us headed to the boat. Five of us are packed. The only two who weren’t were the Professor and I.

  “Gilligan, little buddy. Looks like you forgot to pack. You better hurry up. We’re taking off soon.”

  “I’ve been thinking, and I’ve decided not to go. I decided that there is someone more deserving to go.” Ginger and Mary Ann both ran to hug me. “The Professor.” The two ladies stopped dead i
n their tracks.

  “The Professor?”

  “Yeah. I mean, I know the Skipper can find his way back. But if anything happened, the Professor will know what to do. Besides, he’s the best choice to lead them back for us.”

  What I didn’t tell them is the real reason I wanted to stay. The way the two ladies treated me last night. Besides, what red-blooded American male wouldn’t want to stay with two women as hot as Ginger and Mary Ann?

  The professor hurried back to pack. Once he did, the Professor, Skipper and the Howells got on the boat and left.

  “Well, ladies, what should we do now?”

  The two of them threw rocks at me and chased me away. Well, it seemed like a good idea at the time. By the time the rescue boat came back for us six months later, I was living on one side of the island, and the girls on the other.

  CAMPFIRE DREAMS

  Most of us have gone camping at least once in our lives. It usually changes how you view life. Jeff’s trip definitely changed his.

  I had always been teased throughout high school. I couldn’t help it that I was smart, therefore considered a nerd. Being a nerd, that put me at risk to ridicule by the jocks.

  When it came to our week long camping trip, it didn’t surprise me that they would push me around the whole trip. Even less of a surprise was when I found out that I would be sharing a cabin with a few of them.

  I was used to them taking my lunch during school. Now, they were doing it three meals a day.

  I counted each day until this was over. There were classes still while we were there. Just not math, science and history. More like arts and crafts, and nature.

  On the last night of camp was a dance. There was this girl I wanted to ask to the dance, Kallie. The night before, I got up the courage to finally ask her.

  Of course, there were the jocks, standing right behind me. Just as I was about to ask her, they pantsed me. Everything was exposed. As they laughed at me yet again, I ran away, embarrassed as never before.

  Little did I know that the joke was on them. You see, my pencil was not your standard No. 2 pencil. When the ladies saw my larger than normal pencil, they were impressed. Word spread quickly.

  I spent most of the next day locked in the cabin. I couldn’t face anyone after that.

  The dance was mandatory. I didn’t want to go. I did everything I could to get out of it, but they made me go.

  When I walked in, all of the guys were laughing and pointing at me, but not the girls. They were just looking at me.

  They lined up to dance with me once the music started. Me, someone who had never danced in his life. Me, who was the outcast of the class. I was confused.

  I didn’t say no. One by one, I danced with them. They fought over the slow dances. A few of them who did not witness the incident grabbed my package to see if the rumors were true. They left with smiles on their faces when they discovered it was.

  After dancing a while, I needed a breather. I went to get some punch.

  I was pulled away by Kallie. I think she knew I was going to ask her to the dance when I was pantsed. She led me away from the dance and into the woods.

  “Okay, Jeff. Now that we’re alone, it’s time for a private lesson in Sex Ed 101.”

  I could tell she meant business. She was wearing her sexy teacher glasses. She laid me on the ground.

  “First, we have to take these off.” She started to unbutton my pants. Naturally, I was hesitant. “Don’t worry. It’s not like I haven’t seen it before.”

  “Wait a minute. Why me? Out of all the guys in there, why me?”

  “Well, this week, they taught us about nature. And those other guys, they just have garter snakes in their pants. But not you. You’ve got the anaconda, and that’s what I want.”

  She took off her shirt. “First, we need to wake him up.” She started petting the anaconda, then stroking him. I didn’t need this to get excited. Seeing Kallie in her bra was enough. As a nerd, I was good at taking notes, and I paid lots of attention to the teacher. Shortly after she started, it had doubled in size.

  She took off her shorts. “Now, we need to cover him up. Sorry, big fella.” She took out a condom from her pocket and rolled it over my snake.

  She then took everything else off. “And leave all the rest to me.” She took the latex-covered anaconda and slid it into her cave.

  Do you remember as a kid that hippity hop, the ball with a handle that you would bounce on? Well, that was me because she just kept bouncing up and down on me.

  Minutes later, she gave me an A on my homework. She told me that we needed to have more lessons once we got home. That way, she could teach me more advanced classes.

  After that, once I got that smile off my face, I realized why all the girls were looking at me different, why they were grabbing my crotch at the dance.

  I also realized why the bullies were picking on me. Now, I knew how to stop them.

  The next day, I had breakfast with Kallie. On cue, the bullies came trying to take my lunch. This time, I didn’t give in to them.

  They crossed the line. They called Kallie a slut for being with me. I stood up and stared them down. I wanted to hit them so bad, but refused to stoop to their level.

  One of them tried to shove me. I knew I had to defend myself. I grabbed his arm and twisted it behind his back. I shoved him into the wall. Another took a swing at me. I ducked and kicked him between the legs.

  As most bullies did, when they saw they had lost their advantage, they ran away. Kallie jumped to my side.

  Things were gonna change around here. No more timid little Jeff. I was the man around here now.

  And I was Kallie’s man. I was looking forward to those long, late night cram sessions. Just hope I can pass her final exam.

  MERRY CHRISTMAS

  There is that one gift that everyone wants for Christmas every year. For Jeff, it’s the gift you can only give once or receive once.

  ‘Twas the night before Christmas, and, once again, I was alone. Just like every other Christmas.

  I had no family to visit, and no gifts to unwrap. There wasn’t even any snow. Just another day for me. I still put up the tree as I always did, even though no one ever saw it.

  Just the same, I asked Santa for the same thing every year. I asked him to bring me someone that I could share the holiday with, that I could share the rest of my life with.

  I asked him for this every year. And every year, it fell on deaf ears. So why should this year be any different?

  I decided to go to bed early. No one invited me to parties. I had no reason to stay up.

  Later that night, I thought I’d heard some rustling in my living room. This was a good neighborhood I lived in, so I thought nothing of it.

  Little did I know that Santa was paying me a special visit. He touched his nose and blinked his eyes. When he did, a special surprise was left under my tree and a little something in my stocking as well.

  I woke up on Christmas morning. As I walked to the kitchen, I heard giggling from the living room. I dismissed it. No one else was here but me. I heard it again. I had to see the source of this giggling.

  When I walked in, under the tree, I saw the most beautiful woman I had ever seen. Long blond hair. Eyes the color of the sky. More curves than a racetrack. At least what I could gather. She had bows covering her breasts and her down-there region. In short, anything better and God would have kept it for Himself.

  She saw me and stood up. She started walking towards me. All I could see was slow motion, like watching Baywatch.

  She placed her arms around me, and whispered in my ear, “Merry Christmas, Jeff. Santa left me just for you.”

  “And what might your name be?”

  “Noelle.” How fitting for a Christmas gift. “Well, aren’t you going to open your present?” She handed me the end of the bow covering her breasts.

  I gave it a slight tug, and it just fell off. My eyes started to water. I tugged on the end of the bow down below. Clean shav
en. Not a single hair down there. My emotions got the best of me. I wept like a little baby.

  She held me in her arms, as a mother would to comfort a child. She kissed me on the cheek. After a few minutes, I was calmed down.

  “Now, don’t you want to play with your new toy?”

  A few minutes ago, I was crying my eyes out. Once she said that, I had a smile a mile wide. I took off my clothes so fast that I think I set a world record.

  I felt every inch of her perfect body, from her hair to the soles of her feet. I had to make sure this wasn’t a dream. Nope. This was as real as it gets.

  She knelt down and took a long lick on my peppermint stick. I knew then that she was going to deck my halls and jingle my bells.

  I scooped her into my arms and carried her to the bedroom. I gently set her down on the bed. She grabbed my arm and yanked me down on top of her. She kissed me long. She kissed me hard. She kissed me like I had never been kissed before. The kind that makes your toes curl. The kind you wait your entire life for.

  She got on top of me. She placed my stick inside her stocking. She acted as if I were a sled and she was trying to start down a steep snow-covered hill. Pushing back and forth, over and over. Once she got me going, what a ride!

  After I recovered from the ride, I got up and went to my stocking. I saw that Santa had left me a bunch of goodies. Little blue pills. Handcuffs. A wad of cash. And a note.

  “Jeff. Sorry it took so long to get this gift to you, but I was just waiting for the perfect timing. I’ve left a few things to help you along the way. The cash is to treat Noelle to the best of things and for clothes.

  “Every good boy deserves a naughty girl once in their life. And Noelle is as naughty as they come, if you know what I mean. Enjoy. Merry Christmas.”

  I heard her calling from the bedroom. “Jeff. I’m lonely in here.”

  Well, Merry Christmas to all. Now get out. I gotta play with my toy some more. Don’t think I’m gonna get tired of this anytime soon.