by M. K. Hale
“Almost as much as you like losing control, Reddington.”
He grunted, his hand stroking faster in his boxers. “You do things to me, Allie.”
I sucked in a breath to respond to him. “What things?”
He released a groan and leaned closer to me. We were both still on our sides, not touching but facing each other; the same way we had fallen asleep. With his face so close to mine, all I wanted was to kiss him.
“You drive me crazy. Crazier than I’ve ever been.” His eyes closed for a moment before he opened them again. The intensity behind them grew with each passing second. They hazed, turning desperate. “I didn’t know it could be like this.”
“Same.” I was losing the ability to speak. Our hands moved in unison. Our noises became louder and louder. “Oh.”
“You drive me wild. Out of my mind. Can’t think of anything else but your sweet body.” His jaw clenched, his arm moving faster under the sheet. His erection tented his boxers, jutting towards me as he stroked. “Is this what you wanted? To make me mindless for you? To drive me insane?”
“Yes,” I cried.
“You want me to break my rules? Fuck, baby, you have no idea what that means. All the filthy things I want to do to you.” His breathing came out in choppy, rushed breaths, puffing over my face.
“Do them,” I panted. “Do them.”
“I ache to own you, Allie. Your body and soul; I want it all. Every time I hear Ryan’s name on your lips, I want to burn the world down.”
Happiness trickled through mind-blowing pleasure. He was jealous of Ryan. Nate wanted me. “Own me,” I whispered, chanting the words again and again as my fingers sped up between my legs.
“You’re fingering yourself on my bed.”
“Y-Your bed,” I repeated.
“You are mine,” he growled.
My head jerked up and down in frantic agreement. “Yours. Yours.”
“Look at me,” Nate demanded. I wanted to point out how bossy he was, but my body no longer listened to my brain. “I’m going to come so fucking hard for you. You close for me?”
My inner muscles were clamping down around my fingers, rippling. So close. “Yes!”
“Be a good girl and come.”
Fireworks lit up behind my eyelids as we came together. My entire body shook for what felt like an hour before it relaxed.
Once we caught our breath, I feared it would become awkward, but instead of saying anything, he kissed me. His lips moved soft and pleading against mine, making the hot experience somehow a sweet one.
His mouth against mine. Claiming me. Owning me. Making promises I hoped his lips could keep.
It was a whole new world.
He pulled back to look at me. Then, as slow as a tortoise, he leaned in again and connected our lips, our souls. Touching him, being with him… I was lost. But damn, I felt found.
There were two things I knew for sure:
1. I could no longer stay away from Nate.
2. I had to break up with Ryan.
Chapter 20
Allie:
* * *
“It’s not you, it’s me.” I prepped my breakup script. “No, really, it’s me. I’m interested in someone else. More than interested. A bit obsessed. Ever since I first saw him. It doesn’t make sense but it’s one of those unbreakable truths.” Ryan would not want to know the details.
The worst part of a breakup was watching the other person’s facial expression change from blissful ignorance to shock and hurt. How shocked and hurt would Ryan be? We had been on three official dates, maximum. Yes, we also hung out almost every day, but it was always more friend-like than relationship-like. Still, it would be a betrayal once he found out about Nate and me.
Was there even a Nate and me? We had kissed a couple of times, skipped the bases, and gone right to touching ourselves in front of one another. God, the more I thought about it, the more Ryan and I had something going on rather than Nate and me. Did Nate even want me? Sure, he acted like he did the night before, but was it because both of us were so caught up in the moment? Would he change his mind about me? He always listed reasons why we shouldn’t be together. Did any part of him believe we might be able to work out?
“Well, the average grade on this quiz was ten percent higher than last week, so good job, but know that there is always room for improvement,” my psychology professor said and disrupted my mental analyses of my love life. She handed out the quizzes. When I saw mine, I had a mini heart attack.
A B. I had gotten a B!
I grinned all the way back to my room, stopping to knock on Nate’s door and tell him his tutoring worked. After he opened it and gazed at me with hesitant eyes, I remembered the last time I had seen him, I’d had my hand between my legs as I came on his bed. The smile on my face slipped. How was I supposed to act around him now?
“Hey.” He was the first one to break the awkward silence. “Is something wrong?”
“No, um, I came here to tell you I got a B on my last psych quiz.” My grin came back when he acted as excited as I felt.
“You’re kidding!” He grabbed my arms and pulled me into a tight, warm hug. I jumped up and down in his thick arms. “Congratulations.”
“I couldn’t have done it without you. You have to keep tutoring me, so maybe one day I’ll get an A.” I nudged him, and he frowned. The loss of his smile was like someone dropping a live snake down my shirt.
“Yeah…” He motioned me into his room. I followed him, sensing he was about to have some kind of “talk” with me. “I’ve been thinking. After what happened last night, maybe we shouldn’t be alone together anymore. I love hanging out with you, but I can’t do this to Ryan. There’s obviously something going on between us—”
“There is?” Yes, I baited him into telling me his feelings, but I needed to know.
He stared down at me. “You were there.”
“I’m breaking up with Ryan,” I told him. “Tonight.”
He closed his eyes and sighed. “That still doesn’t mean we can—”
“I’m not breaking up with him for you,” I remarked, and the tension seemed to lessen in Nate’s stance. “I’m doing it because I don’t see him in that way, and it’s not fair to him for us to keep trying while I have feelings for someone else.”
There was a long silence while we both watched each other. This time I was the one to speak up.
“I just came here because, when I found out I got a B, you were the first person I wanted to tell.”
He gave me a small smile.
“Will you still tutor me?” I asked and dreaded his answer. If he said “no,” I might have cried. What if this was the end of our friendship too? Would he cut me off to make sure Ryan did not suspect anything? Would he act like nothing had happened, even after how close we had become?
“Of course.” He leaned in, looking like he might kiss me goodbye. He didn’t. Instead, he gave me a light peck on my forehead. “I couldn’t stay away from you if I tried.”
The way Ryan looked at me broke my heart. The betrayal and anger in his eyes. The sound of him grinding his teeth. I spoke in a soft tone about my feelings, but he fought me the entire way, saying things like “feelings can change and grow,” and “maybe we were just moving too fast.” Once I convinced him I no longer wanted to continue dating, he got quiet, which scared me most of all. His pained eyes shook me, and I hated hurting him.
“I’m sorry,” I said for the fifth time.
“You’re sorry?” Ryan asked. “Allie, I don’t understand. We were doing great.”
It was not as if we had been serious serious. “I just…don’t feel that way about you.”
“You don’t…” Ryan huffed angrily. “Then why the hell have you been kissing me like you have?”
“I was trying to see if I could—”
“Trying? A relationship isn’t some experiment.”
I disagreed with him but held my tongue. To me, dating was experimenting. It was figurin
g out what you wanted in the long run; it was seeing what personalities fit yours and what your type was. I never thought I would like Nate. Ryan seemed to fit what I had wanted, simple and easy. But maybe I needed something else.
“I’m sorry.”
“Stop saying that and just tell me what you’re really thinking!” His voice jumped, climbing louder now, and I worried for a moment Nate heard us through the walls. “Is there someone else?”
I could not lie to him. “Yes, but he’s not the reason I want to stop dating. I just don’t see you in a romantic way.” I continued, “And trust me, you don’t want me, Ryan. I’ve got a lot of stuff going on—”
“Don’t fucking do that. Of course, I want you. I don’t care about your issues.”
I flinched.
“That’s not what I meant.” Ryan let out an impatient breath. “First, you don’t trust me enough to tell me personal things, and now you are blaming me for not understanding what you’re going through. You have to let people in or they can’t help.”
He was right, but I hated his logic. It was the same logic all the therapists I had seen after Logan had told me. “You have to trust and open up again.” “You cannot go through your problems alone.” I was fine on my own. Nate was fine on his own. But we were better together.
“I know how to help myself.”
“Who’s the other guy?” I lost a bit of my confidence at the fire in his eyes. Ryan was such an easygoing guy; it was difficult to imagine him angry. Maybe he had issues too.
“I don’t think that’s important.”
“Say his name, Allie.” Ryan took a step toward me, and I stepped back, away from him. Ryan would never hurt me. Would he? He looked as mad as Logan had been the first time he’d hit me when I had forgotten about our five-month anniversary. But Ryan was not Logan.
“No.” There was no longer any confidence or strength in my voice. It wavered, and a strange dizziness overtook me.
My back met the wall, nowhere left to hide, as Ryan strode to me. My stomach twisted into painful knots, and my lungs compressed. Oh no. Not the time for this. I could not have a panic attack in front of Ryan as I broke up with him.
Ryan’s warm hands locked on my upper arms, and he held me as if he thought I might run away. Logan had held me the same way once or twice. Dominance loomed in the tight grip of his fingers, and I hated how scared I was of it.
“It’s Nate, isn’t it?”
I kept my mouth shut, less because I did not want to answer, and more because I could no longer speak or breathe.
“Tell me.” Ryan shook me. Logan’s aggressive face flashed before my eyes, screaming with rage, “Tell me who you slept with, you whore!”
I let out a small shriek and started hyperventilating. I leaned my weight onto the wall, applying more pressure to it as my legs weakened.
“Allie?” Now Ryan sounded scared.
Odds were I was a scary sight to behold. My pale skin paled even more. Harsh breaths came from me like I was being choked. The shivering started and my nausea worsened at every small movement. The panic I felt at having a panic attack in Ryan’s presence made it more difficult to calm down.
“Allie?” I heard Nate’s voice, but it was fuzzy with the harsh beating of the blood rushing to my ears. I was fading, my vision blurring. It felt like falling deeper into myself, into a blue-black dimension where everything was disconnected. Nausea made me even dizzier. “What did you do to her?”
“Nothing, I swear.”
Air felt like water. Everything slowed and froze. My body was hot; my sweat was cold. The shivering wouldn’t stop.
“Just get out of here.”
“Is she okay?”
“Shh, Allie, I need you to breathe.” Nate’s warm, secure arms wrapped around me, and tension eased from my body. The fresh apple smell of him pulled me back, out of the sea of numbness. I didn’t mean to shut down; I didn’t want to. Cool fingers touched my overheating cheeks. “She’s having a panic attack.”
“What?” Ryan asked. “Why?”
“You probably scared her with your yelling,” Nate sneered. “I could hear you through the damn wall!”
“Scared? I would never hurt her.”
“Just get out of here.” Nate’s voice boomed, strong and demanding, and I was not surprised when Ryan obeyed him.
The slamming of my door jolted me, and Nate pulled me in closer. The warm crystal rain over crisp apples smell of him washed away my troubles.
“Deep breaths,” he whispered in my ear and started breathing with me to help me adjust. “It’s okay.” He stroked my hair as I clung to him. My vision cleared, and I nuzzled in closer to his embrace. Nate protected me, calmed me. He was almost a safety blanket now. Focusing on his blue eyes made me feel better. Less somewhere else.
He put a hand on the back of my head and massaged it. His nails scratched and dug into my scalp in the most delicious way. It decreased the dizziness and helped distract me. “Don’t let your anxiousness about feeling anxious build. Knock those panic bricks down.”
I almost laughed. “Panic bricks?”
“You’re the future therapist,” he shot back.
I smiled against his chest. The relief of not having to feel guilty about my growing feelings for Nate because of Ryan was immediate. I still felt bad, but Nate holding me was all I needed to feel better.
“What did he do?” he asked, but I could hear his, “if he hurt you, I’ll kill him.”
“Nothing,” I said, but Nate’s disbelieving expression led to me repeating myself. “He really did nothing.”
“He didn’t do ‘nothing,’ he was yelling at you,” Nate grumbled against my head, still holding me.
“He had a right to be angry with me.”
Nate did not comment, but he tightened his hold on me. Why was it when Ryan or Logan touched me or held me tight, dread filled me, but when Nate did it, my entire body warmed and relaxed?
“Anyway, it was my fault. I’m a mess.” I buried my head against him in shame. “I’m literally a mess of a person.”
“You are not.”
“I had a panic attack just because he started raising his voice at me. Why do I have to have so many issues?” Ryan would have had no intention of hurting me, but the situation had given me ugly, vivid flashbacks to my past. Panic attacks sucked. I wanted to be over it all already. How long did healing take for goodness’ sake?
“Everyone has issues. If they say they don’t, they’re either lying or mentally unstable.”
“Nate…”
I wanted a distraction. I needed a distraction. After pulling back to look at his face, I dove in and kissed him. A single thought speared through my head.
I needed Nate.
I was on him. My greedy hand pulled him down to me by his neck, and our lips connected within seconds. Smashing. Clashing. Raging.
I dove in deep at first, wild and rushed, but as the emotion built, my mouth slowed. I took a page out of Nate’s book and took my time.
Soft. Calm. Loving.
My lips grazed his, and when he released a quiet growl, I deepened the kiss. His hands moved to my hips, and he kissed me harder and with more passion than he ever had before. Like he needed to absorb my very soul. I gasped at the intensity, my body lighting up from his touch. He was so much. Too much. He filled me up until I couldn’t think of anything else. Being close to him made everything else fade. It was amazing. He was amazing.
When my mouth opened, he moved from my lips to my neck. Tingles shot down between my legs, warmth sizzling my lower stomach, as he expertly sucked at my skin in just the right places. One of his hands on my hips slithered up my side and over my ribcage, until his warm, inviting palm shifted and cupped me through my bra.
Finally. It felt like I had spent an entire lifetime trying to get this man to feel me up.
“Yes.” A triumphant moan slipped from me.
“Your nipples are tight little peaks,” he gritted as the tips of his fingers played
with them. “So fucking hard for me.”
“Yes, yes.”
His kiss became savage. Hard and demanding. His breath mingled with mine. “Did Ryan touch you like this?”
I shook my head, vibrating in his arms, wanting his skimming hands and naughty fingers to venture down.
“This body needs me. Wants me.”
“You.” My hand dropped between us to palm his bulge through his pants.
“Shit, you’re quivering for me,” he cursed. His fingers bit into my breasts, squeezing so hard it was almost painful. After an abrupt, tortured sound, Nate shot away from me, breathing hard, his expression scorching. “We—We can’t,” he stuttered, his eyes dark, stormy blue as he stared down at me.
“Why can’t we?” I moved closer to him, and he stepped back. We switched predator roles.
“The rules,” he answered, but the huskiness of his voice betrayed him.
“I don’t believe in rules.” Nothing stopped us now. Ryan would be angry if Nate and I got together or not. I was not going to stay away from what could be with Nate because of what was not with Ryan.
“I’m your RA,” Nate said as he took a step back from me again.
“We’ll figure it out.” I got closer to him, my room too small to allow an escape.
“Allie.” Nate’s pained expression gave me pause. “You don’t understand.”
I could not keep doing this. He acted like he wanted me; he gave an excuse to stay away. He wanted me; he didn’t. We could; we couldn’t. It was the same thing again and again.
I grabbed him by the crisp shirt collar and yanked him against me.
“Nate, look at me. Look at me and tell me right now, do you want me?” He tried to avoid eye contact, but I did not give up. “Do you like talking to me? Do you like kissing me and touching me? Do you want to be around me all the time? Because that’s how I feel about you. Things will always be complicated, but we get to choose what we fight for and what we end up with in life.”
I wanted Nate. My life had been full of confusion, frustration, and fear, but Nate had somehow been what I needed. He did not solve everything or permanently heal me, but every minute was easier just by being near him.