Wanting Shaw

by Terri Anne Browning

  Undeterred, he wrapped an arm around my shoulder and pulled my head to his shoulder. “Shut your trap and watch the movie,” he directed when I started to bitch at him to let me go.

  After a few minutes, I relaxed, and it actually felt like old times.

  Why that made me sad, I wasn’t sure. But it wasn’t all bad.

  One movie turned into three, and suddenly, it was two-thirty in the morning and I felt like I was starving. The pizza was long gone, and I wasn’t in the mood to cook for myself.

  “I’m so hungry,” Violet complained.

  “You want burgers?” Cannon jumped to his feet. “Oreo shake?” My stomach grumbled in anticipation at the thought of a burger, and my brother smirked. “No onions for Vi. Extra pickles for Shaw. Be right back, ladies.”

  I watched him leave my room with my mouth gaping open before I turned to my bestie. “Did you perform, like, a lobotomy on my brother or something? Or maybe a personality transplant? Because no way is that the same douchebag from even a week ago.”

  Violet shrugged. “Like I said, he’s trying.”

  “Huh,” was all I could mutter. “Let’s hope he keeps trying. I could get used to him making a burger run in the middle of the night.”

  Chapter 29

  Shaw

  A few weeks later, I woke up one morning and forced myself to put on makeup. I dressed in a pair of skinny jeans, a baby-blue tank top that matched my eyes, and a pair of heels that made me a good inch taller than my brother. After spritzing a little texture spray in my hair, I scrunched it up and then pulled it into a ponytail before grabbing my bag.

  I didn’t have any plans for the day, but I knew I needed to get out of the house. Having locked myself in my room with nothing but junk food for over two weeks, I was in need of some sun and to be around people other than Violet and my dickhead brother.

  As I walked downstairs, I heard voices coming from the kitchen. Drawing closer, I recognized the voices and nearly turned to make a run for it.

  “Shaw,” Mom called out, as if she could sense my fight-or-flight was engaged and I was leaning heavily on the flight side.

  Swallowing a curse, I walked into the kitchen where Mom was standing with Aunt Emmie and Mia. “Where’s Emerson?” I asked, forcing a smile.

  “Dad has her,” Mia told me with a grin. “Momma and I were hoping to have a little girls’ lunch together with you and Aunt Dallas since she’s not busy today.”

  I nearly groaned. What she meant was the three of them were planning on ganging up on me over salads. I glanced at Mom, hoping she would save me, but she only gave me a stern look that told me she was on the two redheads’ side.

  “Yeah,” I muttered. “Sounds like fun.”

  “Great.” Mia linked her arm through mine and started for the door. “It feels like forever since we’ve hung out.”

  Outside, Rodger was standing beside Aunt Emmie’s huge SUV. As we approached, he opened the back door, and Mia and I climbed into the third row, while our moms took the second. Once we were on the road, I sent a quick text to Violet.

  Me: Did you know that Aunt E and Mia were going to ambush me?

  Violet: Nope. Not surprised, though. Jagger hasn’t been in a good place.

  I bit my lip, not sure I could handle her answer if I asked what she meant by that. It made me remember Vi’s dark places after her breakup with Luca. Did she mean Jags was there?

  Unable to handle the not knowing, I caved and texted her back.

  Me: Define “hasn’t been in a good place”!

  She didn’t text me back, and my stomach bottomed out.

  Jagger hadn’t even tried to text or call me since the Sunday we’d argued. That was almost three weeks ago. I was surprised—and, yeah, a little hurt—that he hadn’t tried to reach out to me. If he was going to fix this, shouldn’t he have at least tried to get me to speak to him? Apologize? Prove to me that he wasn’t ever going to pick Cannon over me again?

  Instead, there had been nothing from him, and it left me feeling…empty.

  The other three women made small talk all the way to the restaurant and I tried to listen and contribute to the conversation, but all I could think about was how much I missed Jagger and wanted to hear his voice.

  For weeks, I’d been thinking about what Violet said that night in the shower. How it had echoed what Jags had said to me. I wasn’t sure what to do, because I was still scared, but I knew I’d overreacted about the entire Cannon issue. Jagger had messed up by trying to keep me in the dark about my brother moving in and his past with Dana, but I’d messed up too. Vi had been correct in saying that the whole thing was microscopic on the fuckup scale.

  But I didn’t know how to fix it.

  After we were seated and then placed our orders, I sat back and waited, knowing it was only a matter of time before Aunt Emmie and/or Mia finally let me have it.

  “I told you to give him a chance to explain,” Mom exploded, surprising me and making me sit up a little straighter. “Did you?”

  “Yes,” I answered quickly, but I wasn’t sure how much of a chance I’d actually given him. He’d started talking about Mexico, and I’d gotten upset. Things had kind of escalated quickly after that, and to be honest, I wasn’t sure how much of it I remembered because I’d been so upset.

  Mom rolled her eyes before glaring at me. “How much of a chance did you give him? Five minutes?”

  “I… Um… A couple of hours?” I frowned, trying to remember how much time had gone by from the moment I’d gotten to his apartment until we’d started arguing. “Yeah, it was definitely a few hours. We watched some television and made lunch. But then he kept talking about going to Mexico.”

  “Oh boo-fucking-hoo,” Mom scoffed. “A hot guy wanted to take you to Mexico for a few days. The nerve of him for attempting to spoil you a little.”

  “He was trying to keep the fact that Cannon was moving in from me longer!” I tried to defend my actions.

  “I always considered you smarter than your brother, Shaw. But I’m starting to question my judgment where you’re concerned.”

  I gasped at the hurt she’d just inflicted, but I clenched my jaw before my chin could tremble. “Was I just supposed to let him keep hiding stuff from me? Is that how relationships work? Tell me, Mother dear, is that how it is with you and Dad?”

  “You damn well know it isn’t,” she snapped. “But you didn’t even give that boy a fighting chance.”

  I pressed my lips together and looked away, knowing she was right.

  The waitress dropped off a basket of bread and quickly walked away, sensing the tension at our table.

  “Shaw, honey.” Reluctantly, I glanced diagonally across the table to where Aunt Emmie was patiently sitting. “You seem miserable. I’ve talked to your parents and even Violet, and they all say the same thing. You’ve been hurting. Do you regret what happened with you and Jagger?”

  Tears burned my eyes. “Yes,” I whispered. “I just don’t know how to fix this mess.”

  Mia put her arms around my shoulders and gave me a small smile. “Have you tried saying you’re sorry?”

  I gave an emotional snort. “Do you think it would be that easy?”

  She shrugged. “Maybe. Maybe not. But it’s a good place to start.”

  “I think ‘I’m sorry’ is the perfect place to begin,” Aunt Emmie said with a reassuring smile. “Quickly followed by ‘I love you.’” Her eyes darkened, and she lost the smile. Suddenly, the woman staring back at me wasn’t my beloved aunt who would have moved heaven and earth for me. In her place was Jagger’s mother, and she was a fierce momma bear ready to annihilate me if I hurt her precious cub again. “It’s okay to be scared, Shaw. Especially after watching your best friend go through such a tragic breakup. But hurting people to keep yourself from hurting is one of the most selfish things you could possibly do to someone you love.”

  “I-I’m sorry,” I stuttered. “I didn’t mean…”

  “You told him you don’t lo
ve him,” she said in a chilly voice. “I think you did mean it. But I’m giving you the chance to correct it.”

  Had I really said that? I bit my lip, thinking back.

  Oh fuck. I really had said it.

  No wonder he hadn’t tried to call me.

  Gasping, I grabbed my bag and jumped to my feet. “I-I have to go.”

  “Yeah, I think you should,” Mom said with the beginnings of a smile tilting at her lips.

  As I hurried through the dining room, I thought I heard Mia say, “That went so much better than I anticipated.”

  Outside, I grabbed a cab and gave him Jagger’s address. The whole ride there, I kept playing out what I should say to him, nervous I’d left it too late and he wouldn’t even want to see me. I had my key in case he didn’t want to let me in, so I tried to reassure myself I could at least make him listen if he wouldn’t open the door. I would just sit on his couch and keep telling him how sorry I was over and over again until he believed me.

  I stepped off the elevator on Jagger’s floor and started toward his apartment. I was already digging through my purse for my key, just in case he wouldn’t let me in, when I heard a door opening. Looking up, I saw Dana step out of Jagger’s apartment. She was in what I thought was one of his T-shirts and, from the looks of it, nothing more. Her legs were bare, her face free of makeup, and her hair in sexy tangles around her shoulders.

  Swallowing hard, I stopped walking and just stood there. My heart pounding, I watched as Jagger stepped out with her, and my heart shattered. He was in only a pair of boxers, and his hair was just as unkempt as Dana’s.

  It seemed like I was too late. Jagger had already moved on.

  “Shaw?” he said my name in a hoarse voice, and I lifted tear-filled eyes to his pale face. “What…are you doing here?”

  Wrapping my fingers around his key, I swallowed the knot in my throat and walked on shaky legs the last few yards toward them. I didn’t look at Dana—fuck, I could barely look at Jagger, but I did.

  When I was within arm’s reach of him, I thrust out my hand and uncurled my fingers, showing him the key. “I wanted to return this,” I got out in a voice that cracked.

  His fingers trembled when he took it from me, and I watched him swallow hard. “Shaw, this isn’t—”

  “Doesn’t matter,” I said with a tight smile. “We’re not together, so it really doesn’t concern me.” I attempted to push my broken heart down deep so I didn’t have to deal with it just yet and turned on my heel, heading for the elevator.

  “Shaw.” His voice was ravaged with distress, but I didn’t turn back to look at him. How could I when my tears were flooding down my face and I could barely see in front of me?

  I stabbed at the call button and whispered a small thanks to whoever was watching over me when the doors opened instantly. Stepping into the elevator, I waited for the doors to close before I released the sob that was shredding my throat in an attempt to get free.

  Chapter 30

  Jagger

  I swallowed a groan just as Kayla came bouncing out of the kitchen to follow her girlfriend. The two of them had slept at my place the night before, thanks to something going on with their air conditioning. It had been so uncomfortably hot in their apartment, they hadn’t even wanted to go in and get a change of clothes the night before. So I’d given her and Dana two of my shirts to sleep in.

  The issue had been taken care of earlier that morning, and the two women had waited until I woke up so they could make me breakfast as a thank-you.

  Kayla now had their clothes from the day before folded in her arms, but Shaw hadn’t seen her or the clothes. All she’d seen was Dana, in my T-shirt, and me in my boxers. It looked bad. So fucking bad. But it was innocent enough if she’d just stopped for two seconds and let me explain.

  Instead, she’d given me back my key, told me it wasn’t any of her business, and walked away.

  Reinforcing that she didn’t love me after all.

  “Maybe I should explain this to her,” Dana said, biting her lip as she continued to look toward the elevator, as if she expected Shaw to come back at any moment, claws out as she demanded answers. Because if she loved me, that was what she would have been doing.

  “There’s nothing to explain,” I told her with a grim smile. “I need to jump in the shower, ladies. Hit me up again whenever you need assistance.”

  Kayla blew me a kiss and took Dana’s hand. “Thanks, big guy. You saved us from having to go to a hotel last night. You need anything, just let us know.” As they turned to go and I stepped back into the apartment, I heard Dana telling Kayla about Shaw’s showing up at the absolute wrong time.

  Clenching my fingers into tight fists, I grabbed my phone on the way back to my room.

  Me: Shaw just showed up at my place.

  Mia: Details!!!

  Me: She gave me back my key.

  Mia: …

  Mia: …

  Mia: …

  Mia: Wait, what?

  Me: She gave me back my key and left. End of story.

  Mia: I’m so confused right now.

  Me: Why? Were you expecting her to show up?

  Mia: Okay. DON’T be mad. But…

  Me: What, Mia?!?

  Mia: Momma and I had lunch with Shaw and Aunt D. We kind of ganged up on her.

  Mia: But she left before the food even arrived. She was going to see you. To tell you she was sorry and she loves you. NOT TO GIVE YOU BACK THE KEY. I swear, Jags. I swear to you, she was coming to make up.

  My heart turned to lead, and my knees gave out. I dropped on the edge of my bed, realizing my mistake in not going after Shaw. I should have made her listen to the truth. Not just let her walk away.

  Was it too late?

  Of course, it fucking was. She wasn’t going to listen to anything I said about the subject now. Only a few minutes had passed, but it was too much time for Shaw to trust that I wasn’t making it all up.

  Me: I fucked up.

  Mia: …

  Mia: How?

  Me: I have a history with one of my neighbors. From years ago. But Shaw knew about it. The girl is in a relationship with the love of her life now. I swear it. But last night, their AC wasn’t working, and I let her and her girlfriend stay in my extra room. You couldn’t even breathe in their place last night, so they didn’t go back for a change of clothes and I gave them T-shirts to sleep in. Shaw showed up as they were leaving, but she only saw the one I have history with.

  My phone gave what sounded like an angry ring in my hand just as I hit send, and I swiped my thumb over the screen to accept the call.

  “You did what?” Ma exploded in the background, and I knew I was on speaker.

  I thrust my free hand into my hair and fell back against the mattress with a groan. “To make things worse, I was in only a pair of boxers because I’d just woken up.”

  “So, Shaw saw your neighbor—whom you have history with—dressed in only your T-shirt and you in only a pair of boxers?” Mia reiterated.

  “Yes.”

  “This would be funny if it weren’t so damn tragic,” Mia muttered. “Only you could get yourself in these kinds of situations, little brother.”

  “I told her it wasn’t what it looked like.” I sighed heavily. “But, of course, she didn’t want to hear it. She said we weren’t together, so it wasn’t any of her business. Then she gave me back the key and walked away.”

  “I need to call Dallas,” Ma said in the background. “Shaw is going to need someone to pick up the pieces.”

  “I want to pick up the pieces!” I cried. “How do I fix this?”

  “Well, you could try the truth,” Mia offered.

  “Do you honestly think she will believe anything out of my mouth right now when she saw that?” I was hoping she would say yes, but her silence was answer enough.

  “Good point,” she said after a few tense moments. “Shaw is as stubborn as they come. Momma had to get all those stupid girls together to show that one chick
’s nude picture was because of that damn game. This… She might not believe anyone who tries to tell her the truth. I mean… Well, if I’d walked up on that scene, I wouldn’t have believed it either. It looks so bad, Jags.”

  “I know,” I whispered and pressed my fist into my temple.

  “And on top of everything else, Shaw’s biggest fear was what happened to Vi happening to her. It’s like that fear came true.” She made a pained sound in her throat. “Fuck. She must be a mess right now.”

  “She seemed calm enough when she left.” At the time, it had killed me how calm she’d been. I thought it was further proof that she didn’t want to be with me. Now, I was sure that she’d been holding it together until she was alone.

  I wanted to hold her. Tell her that what she saw was a misunderstanding. That I would never cheat on her or hurt her like that.

  “Dallas says Shaw isn’t answering her phone,” Ma said. “Jagger, get your ass in gear. Go look for her.”

  I jumped to my feet and started pulling clothes out of my closet. “Do you think she’ll even talk to me?”

  “I don’t care if she talks to you or not,” Ma snapped. “I only want to make sure she’s okay. Check anywhere you think she might go. Dallas has Cannon out looking too. If you find her, let me and her mom know.”

  Promising her I would, I got dressed and then ran down to my car. I checked the location of her phone that I’d shared with mine all those months ago, but it wasn’t showing me anything. Either she’d turned off her phone or disabled the location function. For the next few hours, I drove from LA to West Hollywood to Malibu to Santa Monica. But no matter where I went, I didn’t find so much as a sign that Shaw had been there.

  It was nearly midnight when Ma finally called me with an update on her end. “You can stop looking,” she said with a heavy exhale. “She’s safe.”