Wanting Shaw

by Terri Anne Browning

  “Baby, you don’t know how glad I am you’re not pissed. And you don’t ever have to worry about anyone stealing me away from you. I’m yours. Now and always.” I kissed her forehead, releasing the pent-up breath I’d been holding all day. “I swear to you, I wasn’t picking Cannon over you. It was just bad luck that he showed up right when Dana was here with her girlfriend. I begged him to keep his mouth shut about the threesome, and his price for silence was to move in here.”

  Shaw pulled back. “Wait… What did you just say?”

  I opened my mouth, only to snap it shut, not sure what I’d just said that had her so pale all of a sudden. “He was blackmailing me, baby.”

  “No, I heard that.” She waved her hands. “The other part. The…threesome. Are you saying you and Cannon…? That you both fucked her?”

  Ah, fuck.

  “You said Kayla told you,” I rasped out.

  “She said Dana had a past with you. Not with you and my brother together.” She closed her eyes, but not before I’d seen the tears filling her baby blues. “Were you even going to tell me?”

  “Not if I could help it,” I muttered, but I wanted to be honest. Keeping shit from her so far had proved to be foolishly stupid. “I didn’t want you to know about the fucked-up shit I’d done in the past.”

  “But she lives right down the hall. Don’t you think I should have known that you and she…with my brother.” Her face turned green for a second before it quickly paled again. “And you were just going to keep it from me. You weren’t going to say a single word about anything. Not Dana. Not Cannon moving in here. Not…that.” She shuddered and turned away from me. “You were just going to sweep me off to Mexico and pretend like everything was perfect. Then I would have been gone for another four days before I got back from Chicago.”

  “I would have told you,” I made an effort to assure her even as the guilt tried to choke me again. I had wanted to wait as long as possible before telling her about Cannon moving in.

  “Why?” she demanded. “Because by the time I got back, you would have been bored with me like you get bored with every other girl, and it wouldn’t have mattered if I was hurt or angry?”

  “No!” I shouted, reaching for her, but she put more distance between us. “It’s not like that, I swear.”

  “From where I’m standing, it seems like that’s exactly what it’s like.”

  “Shaw, baby, please just listen to me.” I grabbed her around the waist, my fingers biting into her in my desperation to keep her close. “I was going to tell you about Cannon moving in. And I probably would have ended up telling you about Dana. Maybe not about the threesome, but the guilt would have made me tell you that I’d been involved with her in the past. It was already killing me that I was holding everything back. I wanted to tell you last night, but I was scared.”

  “I get that,” she whispered. “I understand that kind of fear. But mine was starting to fade. I thought… I thought you were different. That I could trust you with my heart after all.”

  “You can,” I promised her vehemently. “I will never hurt you, Shaw.”

  “Too late.” Jerking away from me, she walked out of the kitchen.

  Fear like I’d never felt before kept me rooted to the spot for a moment before I heard her keys rattle. That sound kicked my ass into gear, and I ran, catching her before she could reach the front door. “Baby.” My arms locked around her waist, holding her back pressed against my front as I kissed her neck. “Don’t leave. Please, give me a chance to fix this. I know I fucked up, but I can make it up to you.”

  “How?” she cried. “How do you make this pain in my heart go away, Jagger? I-I tried to give you the benefit of the doubt. I gave you the opportunity to tell me, and you proved to me that I was stupid to even think we had a chance of making this work.”

  “No, no, no.” I blinked back the sting of tears, trying to keep my shit together long enough to fix everything. “I’m sorry. I’ll fix this. I’ll do better. I love you, baby. Please don’t leave me.”

  She jolted as if she’d just taken a physical blow. “Let me go, Jags.”

  “I can’t,” I choked out through a tight throat. “If I release you, you’ll run.”

  “Let me go,” she whispered.

  “No!” I yelled, my fear making me angry. I wasn’t used to being scared. I’d never had a reason to feel it. Not until right that moment. I tightened my arms around her, my mind scrambling to find a way to mend what I’d broken and coming up with nothing. “This is ridiculous, Shaw. You just said you weren’t going to hold my past against me.”

  “This isn’t about your past! It’s about you keeping things from me and you picking Cannon over me. Time and time again, you pick him.” She struggled against me, but I was fighting for my life—our life. If I let her go now, it would mean having to let go of our future.

  “I didn’t pick him. He was blackmailing me,” I tried to explain.

  “Dress it up however you want,” she retorted, going completely still in my arms. “Tell yourself whatever story you need to in order to sleep at night. But you picked him over me, Jagger. Instead of manning up and just explaining your history with Dana, you picked him over me because you wouldn’t tell me the truth.”

  “No.”

  “Yes. It’s how it’s always been with you two. I was stupid to think it would change.”

  “Damn it, Shaw. I know I messed up, but you’re allowing your fear to blow this out of proportion.”

  She gasped and turned in my arms. “Don’t turn this around on me.”

  “Admit it.” I cupped her face, my gut tying itself into knots at the tears spilling from her blue eyes. “Yes, I fucked up. But you’re so terrified of falling into that same black pit Violet fell into, that you’re looking for any excuse to run away.”

  Her eyes darkened. “You’re right. I am terrified.” She shoved me back, and I had no choice but to release my tight hold or risk hurting her. She turned for the door. “Thanks for proving to me I had a reason to be.”

  “Don’t do this,” I pleaded, unable to stop my own tears from flooding from my eyes any longer. “I’ll call Cannon right now and tell him he can’t move in.”

  “Don’t bother.” Opening the door, she stepped through. “Enjoy your life with my brother. I’m sure you picked the right Cage to spend it with.”

  “Shaw!” I roared her name, running after her, not caring if my neighbors heard us or not. “I choose you.”

  “You have never chosen me.” She reached the elevator and punched the call button. “I can see now that you never will. For a second, I had hope, but that was just wishful thinking.”

  “I love you.”

  “Maybe you do.” She mused as the elevator doors glided open. “But not enough to put me first over Cannon.”

  My anger over her fear and Cannon sabotaging my relationship with his sister made me say something I regretted as soon as the words left my mouth. “If you loved me, you would fight for us.”

  Her sharp inhale was so full of pain it nearly buckled my knees, but it was nothing to the verbal punch to the stomach she tossed back at me. “Then I guess I don’t love you after all.”

  Pain exploded inside me like a bomb detonating, obliterating my heart. My lungs stopped working, and I just stood there, unable to move as the doors silently slid shut.

  She was gone.

  I lost her.

  Chapter 28

  Shaw

  I glared at my television and threw a handful of popcorn at the screen. “Stupid dumbass boys,” I hissed. “Every fucking one of them.” I scooped up more popcorn and was hurling it at the leading guy when the camera zoomed in on him, just as my bedroom door opened, causing some of the salty, buttery snack to hit Violet in the face since my flat screen was mounted on the wall by the door.

  She screamed at the unexpected assault and swatted her hand in an attempt to protect herself. Once she was sure she was safe, she closed the door and turned to glare at me wit
h her hands on her hips. “You look like shit.”

  I shrugged and stuffed my face full of M&M’s and popcorn. I knew what I looked like. I’d seen myself in the mirror that morning. There was a zit on my forehead and another on my chin. My skin was dry and yet oily because I hadn’t done my skincare regimen in days, and my hair hadn’t been washed in just as long.

  It was Saturday. I should have been in Chicago two days before, but I’d told my new agent Gina to tell the client I was sick and to get someone else.

  I didn’t care about what I looked like. I didn’t care if I didn’t get another job as a model. I just wanted to curl into a ball and forget about anything outside of my bedroom walls.

  Violet’s purple eyes scanned my room, taking in the diet soda cans on my nightstand and the floor beside my bed. The empty ice cream containers, the can of Reddi-Wip that I’d had for dinner the night before, the bags of chips and cookies with only crumbs left in them, and the popcorn and M&M’s on the floor from where I’d been taking my anger out on the stupid breakup movies I’d tortured myself watching since Monday afternoon. That was when I’d woken up from the sixteen-hour coma I’d fallen into after crying myself to sleep Sunday night.

  “Be honest with me,” she said as she gave a disgusted sniff and covered her nose with her hand. Huh, I must have gone nose blind because I didn’t smell anything. “Was I this gross after I broke up with Luca?”

  “No. You became a zombie, and then you started putting your tongue down the throat of every guy who looked at you.” I picked up an open can of diet soda, gave a small cheer when I found it was still about a third full, and chugged it to wash down the food in my mouth. “Oh, and don’t let me forget about the booze. You were starting to turn into a drunk. I was really worried about you.”

  “Yeah, yeah, I get it. I was all kinds of self-destructive.” She lifted her shirt to use as a mask for the bottom half of her face and then stomped over to my bed. “Get up. You need a shower.”

  “Don’t wanna shower,” I whined and hugged one of my pillows to my chest. “I’m fine where I am. You don’t like the way I smell, then go away.”

  She rolled her eyes and stomped to the door. My heart sank that she was leaving, but I refused to let my chin tremble as I grabbed another handful of sweet and salty.

  Not a full minute passed before the door swung inward again and Violet returned, but this time with my brother in tow. I barely had time to glare at the asshole before he was bending and slinging me over his shoulder as he carried me into my bathroom. “Fuck, you stink,” he complained as he stood waiting for Violet to turn on the shower and the water to warm up.

  My shock was slow to wear off, but once it did, I started punching him in both kidneys, making him shout in pain, but he didn’t put me down. “What are you even doing here, you fucking asshole?” I snarled. “Shouldn’t you be in LA with your dickhead best friend?”

  “Decided not to move in with Jagger after all,” Cannon said with a shrug. “Figured you wouldn’t like it very much. Violet said I was getting between you and Jags, so I figured I’d get out of your way.”

  “Oh, so now you care about my feelings?” I snorted and kicked my leg. When I connected with his groin and he nearly dropped me, I felt a sick sense of satisfaction. I hoped Mom didn’t expect grandkids from Cannon, because I might have just ended that dream for her.

  “For fuck’s sake,” he wheezed in agony, setting me on my feet. But he held on to my arms, whether it was because he didn’t want me to run off or he needed me to keep him upright, I wasn’t sure.

  “Lock the door on your way out, Cannon,” Violet instructed as she grabbed my wrist and turned me to face her.

  Behind me, I heard my brother shuffle out, his breath seeming to come out in pants before the door shut loudly behind him and I heard the lock engage. Before I could protest that I didn’t want a shower, Violet started undressing me. Since I was wearing baggy sweats and a shirt that was three sizes too big on me, she didn’t have any trouble getting me naked.

  Violet pushed me into the shower and shut the stall door before leaning back against it so I couldn’t just step out again. “Wash your hair,” she commanded.

  Grumbling under my breath, I stepped under the spray and let the water wash over me. As I lathered my hair, I called out to her. “Since when do you speak to my brother?”

  “Since I told him he wasn’t the only person who mattered and he was turning into a selfish monster,” she said in a bored voice. “I also slapped his pretty face a few times before punching him in the gut so hard, I’m surprised he didn’t puke.”

  I clapped my hands together. “Way to go, Vi.”

  “He’s been trying since then.”

  “Trying?” I frowned at her shadow on the shower door. “What’s he been trying?”

  “To do better. He’s been nicer. Less of an asshole.” She blew out a sigh. “Not that it mattered. You still broke up with Jagger.”

  “He wasn’t going to tell me about Cannon moving in,” I muttered, scrubbing my scalp a little harder than necessary. “Instead, he wanted to take me to Mexico and pretend like it wasn’t going to happen.”

  “Oh my. How terrible. Your boyfriend wanted to go to Mexico with you, so you broke up with him,” she snarked.

  “He picked Cannon over me!” I defended my decision. “Again.”

  “Bullshit. He was scared of losing you, and you overreacted.” I heard her huff. “You took the easy way out because you were scared.”

  “No, I didn’t,” I cried, unable to stop my eyes from filling with tears.

  “Yes, you did.” She opened the door and gave me a sad smile. “I’m sorry, Shaw. I hate that what happened with me did this to you. That you’re so frightened of loving someone that you push away the one guy who loves you more than anything in the world.”

  For the first time since Sunday night, I felt myself start to crumble. My knees grew weak, and I leaned back against the shower wall before slowly sliding down until I was sitting on the tiled floor. “He hurt my heart, Vi. He picked Cannon.”

  With the water still running, Violet stepped in with me and crouched down in front of me as I pulled my knees to my chest. “I don’t dispute that he hurt you, but he didn’t pick Cannon. Loving someone isn’t easy, Shaw. You make mistakes. Usually they are tiny ones that can be worked out if you’re willing to try. This was microscopic on the scale of fuckups.”

  “But if my heart hurt that much over something so small, how will I feel when he does something major?” I asked her in a tiny voice.

  “When?” She shook her head sadly. “Do you hear yourself? You’re setting yourself up for failure with that kind of mentality. ‘When’ isn’t an option. Neither is ‘if.’ Because Jagger isn’t Luca.”

  “But—”

  “Listen to me, Shaw.” She took hold of my hands and gave them a firm squeeze. “Luca decimated my heart. He tore apart the dreams I had of our future together. But I didn’t give up on love. I want to fall in love again one day. With a guy who deserves me, who will love me with his entire heart, and cherish me every day of his life. Do you know why I can still dream of that?”

  I shook my head, fighting the lump clogging my throat, unable to understand how she could even consider letting someone that close to her heart again when her soul mate had pushed her into such a dark place.

  “Because of Jagger. He loves you so much that I can’t help but hope for someone to love me like that one day.” She pushed my wet hair out of my face. “I know you’re scared, and I understand it. Really, I do. But you are missing out on something amazing by letting that fear stand like a wall between you and Jagger.”

  Was she right?

  Did my fear of falling down that dark, self-destructive rabbit hole like Violet make me push Jagger away? He’d said something similar, but I’d been too worked up at the time to think about it.

  Maybe they were both right.

  I was still thinking about it hours later. My room was clean n
ow, thanks to Violet and Cannon having picked up all my trash, vacuumed, and even changed my bedding. They were both camped out on my floor munching on pizza and flipping through the channels in search of something to watch. But I was more interested in observing them.

  Before, Violet would shudder if my brother’s name was even mentioned. He’d done some serious damage to her psyche with the way he’d hurt her with that forced kiss. He’d taken away her control and made her question her judgment in a guy she’d thought would never hurt her. After he went away to military school, she would still come and go like my house was her second home. But once he’d returned, she’d avoided this place like the plague.

  Now, she was sitting beside him like nothing had happened. Her leg brushed against his every now and then, and she even shoved his shoulder when he cracked some stupid joke. I was glad she wasn’t scared of him anymore.

  But there was something different in their relationship that I was starting to sense. If Cannon said something Violet didn’t like, all it took was a stern look from her purple eyes and he would mumble a quick apology. She was definitely the dominant one in their new friendship, and I got this weird sense that it was what Cannon needed.

  Pushing that thought away, I grabbed a slice of pizza from the box on the floor and snatched the remote from my brother’s hand. “If you’re going to stay, then be prepared to watch old movies.”

  “How old? We talking chick flicks from the eighties, or those black-and-white Grace Kelly movies you two are addicted to?”

  Without answering, I flipped over to one of the streaming services and clicked on The Breakfast Club.

  Cannon grunted but didn’t get up to leave. “I’m okay with this one,” he muttered.

  “Should have picked Pretty in Pink,” I grumbled to myself, but I didn’t back out of the choice.

  Halfway through the movie, Cannon went to the bathroom. While he was gone, Violet moved to lie on the bed with me. When my brother came back, he flopped down between us and stuffed one of my pillows under his head. Violet hesitated for only a moment before laying her head on his shoulder. He reached out to pull me in close like Vi was, but I slapped his hand away.