Harder

by Ashcroft, Blue

  “Getting away?”

  She freezes, tenses up, then relaxes and walks forward into the restaurant. “Don’t want to talk about it.”

  “But.”

  “Shut up.” She walks to the counter and orders. I do the same, and try to pay for both of us, but she waves me off and leads us to a table.

  The car door is stuck in my mind. She treasures that car. It’s special to her. Why leave something so valuable broken?

  She sits down with her lunch and pulls out a fork. I grab chopsticks and break them apart. I say a quick prayer over the food, a habit, and start to eat.

  I look up when I realize she isn’t eating. She’s staring at my chopsticks, and after a moment, she goes to get a pair of her own. She breaks them apart and they splinter unevenly. She tries awkwardly to mimic the way I’m using them, but after dropping the same piece of chicken three times, gives up and throws them on the floor.

  I put a piece of chicken in my mouth to hide my grin. Food is the best excuse not to talk.

  “How are you so good with those things?” She grabs her fork and starts eating. More delicately than I would have guessed.

  “Just good with my hands,” I say.

  “Oh yeah. Like sign language. How did you end up a TA anyway? Does it pay well? Kind of a fancy pants job.”

  I grin and swallow. “The teacher is my dad.”

  “Nepotism!” She shakes her head. “Should have known. Wait, so your dad’s Deaf?”

  I nod. “My mom too.”

  “Ohhh everything makes so much sense now. You’re a CODA. Child of Deaf Adult. That’s why you don’t talk a lot.”

  I shrug. “It’s my second language. I was raised with sign.” Somehow admitting that makes words come more freely. Like something loosens up inside me and allows the words out.

  I’m expecting her to ask questions, to want to meet my parents, but she surprises me as usual.

  “So you could tutor me, huh?” She winks at me and continues to eat. “Damn, this is sooo good.” She sighs after she finishes and looks at the plate with a sad face.

  I push my plate aside. “I’m done.”

  “You’re not gonna eat that?”

  I shake my head. “Go ahead.”

  She grins and takes it, eating again with that delicate but voracious way she has.

  “I could, though,” I say.

  “Could what?”

  “Tutor you.”

  She stops mid bite and drops her fork. “Really? ‘Cuz I’m sucking it up in school. Especially Sign Language. I keep voicing when I shouldn’t. I can’t seem to shut up.” She glares. “Wait a minute, is this a trick? Trying to distract me, so you can move in on my job?”

  “We have the same job.”

  “You know what I mean. Knight’s watching us.”

  “You can have the promotion.”

  “Ha! Reverse psychology. I know what you smarty-pants do to manipulate people. Not falling for it. Watching my back.”

  “We could trade.”

  “Trade what?”

  “You could tutor me.”

  “In what?” She finishes the meal and sits back. “You’re just as good of a lifeguard as me. I guess I could help you be more of a badass, but I don’t know what else.”

  “With people.”

  “With what?”

  “I want to talk to people.”

  “You what? Just talk to them then.” She dismisses the idea with a wave of her hand.

  I sigh and clasp my fingers together. I shouldn’t have said anything.

  “Oh, you mean like girls?” She sets down her fork and her eyes light up. Want me to help you get girls? No problem there. I’m great at picking them up, and I’m not even into them. I don’t suppose you’re into lesbians though… Still, I bet I could help you with normal ones.”

  I put my hands over my face. This is going all wrong. I don’t even have the social skills to tell her I need better social skills.

  She pulls my hands away. Her hands are firm, and rougher than I would have guessed. “Hey, no need to be embarrassed. I think you could do well with the ladies. I mean—”

  I look up with interest.

  “I just, if I weren’t your competition, you know, I wouldn’t find you ugly.” She starts to blush. “I mean, don’t make nothin’ of it, but yeah, you aren’t bad looking. Besides that nasty hair.”

  “My hair?” I reach up to touch it. I don’t want to lose it. It’s soft. It’s the perfect wall to hide behind. I can touch it when I’m feeling unsettled. It sets me apart as unique.

  “Oh, don’t look so depressed. It’s nice hair, I was just being a douche.”

  I sit up, relieved. I check my phone and stand. “We should get back.” I just want her to forget I ever asked her to help.

  “Hey, wait.” She takes my elbow. Her touch is electric, and I pause. “Let’s do it. I’ll help you date, and you help me with schoolwork. It’s perfect.”

  I nod. “Perfect.”

  She opens the door for me and I head out behind her into the sunlight. Perfect?

  Chapter 3

  I wait by Big Blue for Ryan to join me. We agreed on our first session tonight. He already helped me after class today, and now I’m gonna fulfill my end of the bargain.

  I don’t know what’s wrong with the female population though. Dude is one of the best looking dudes I’ve ever laid eyes on. Perfect hair, perfect skin, perfect features, freakin’ green eyes. Great body. Knows how to use his hands.

  I tried to be mad at the dude. I tried to compete with him. But it was over from the second he showed interest in Big Blue.

  He comes out in casual clothes. Fitted polo over designer jeans. Dude knows how to dress. His shoes probably cost more than five pairs of mine. If he has money why is he working here?

  Never thought I would think a guy with a ponytail is hot.

  He comes over to my door and goes for the handle, then seems to realize how dumb of a move that is, and starts to blush, standing slowly. I laugh and run around the car to open his door. He’s so easily embarrassed. I’ll need to shake him of that.

  “We’re going to the mall,” I tell him as I start the car.

  He doesn’t say anything. I’m getting used to that. I look over when we hit a red light and see him studying me. A shock goes through me, leaving me oddly warm. His stare is intense and soft at the same time. Gentle, almost. But since when have I been attracted to gentle? He looks away.

  “Sorry.”

  “For?”

  “Staring.”

  “Yeah, creepy,” I say. I park and take off my seatbelt. “K, so tell me your type.”

  He lets out a long, slow breath, like he’s irritated.

  “What, I say something wrong? I need to know who we are targeting here.”

  He gives me his angular profile and taps his fingers on the window. “Short hair. Tall. Tough.”

  “Ha ha, that’s a dude, not a chick.”

  He looks at me, and sighs, and I don’t get what he’s trying to say. Then he frowns and turns back to the window.

  “Okay, fine, you like ‘em a little butch,” I say, extending an olive branch.

  “Sure.” But he doesn’t sound like he means it.

  He wants butch? I’ll give him butch. But first he’s gonna need some help. “You want butch, you’re gonna need to be more butch.”

  “Butch? Is that what you like? Isn’t that a LGBT reference?”

  “Sure, but it also just refers to a masculine aesthetic.”

  He raises an eyebrow. “Really?”

  “I’ve been called it a lot. I looked it up. We could use badass instead though.”

  “So hyper masculine, badass, whatever. That’s what you like?”

  “Uh, well, we aren’t talking about me, are we? Anyway, you’re gonna need new clothes. I don’t think this whole preppy thing is going to work on those chicks.” I wave my hand at his outfit.

  He shrugs. “Whatever.”

  “You aren’t
being very helpful, you know.” I get out, and he does the same, and before I can come over to take the door, he closes it himself, gently, just how I like it.

  So some men can be gentle.

  Not like the one who broke my door, who shall remain nameless. I shake the thought off and head to the mall, prickles rising over my shoulders, making me feel cold even in the bright sunlight.

  I should never have let myself be anything but strong.

  Ryan follows me, trying to get to the doors first, but I always end up getting them. He needs to stop treating me like a chick.

  “So where do we get badass clothes?” He says it like he has something gross in his mouth.

  “Badass stores.” I take him down to the end of the mall, where the crappy stores are, nearly hidden by the escalator. I walk into Skulls, my favorite store, and the owner greets me with a wave.

  “Ally.”

  “George.”

  I walk to the accessories section. I look back to see Ryan in the women’s section, scowling at a fishnet skirt, and turning it over in his hands like he doesn’t know what it’s for.

  “Ryan, heel!”

  His head snaps up, and he narrows his eyes on me.

  “I’m just joking. Come over here, get out of the chick’s section.”

  He sighs and walks over. “I’m not a dog.”

  “Oh come on, don’t pout.”

  “Don’t tell me to heel.”

  So he’s actually pushing back on me. I don’t like it. “Look, you want my help? ‘Cuz you asked. You want someone more politically correct, you could ask any chick in school.”

  He shakes his head. “I want you,” he says softly.

  Something in me responds to it, but I shove the feeling away with both hands.

  “Okay, then do what I say.”

  He sighs, then laughs, a low sexy sound that thrums through me, and then he comes over to hover behind me while I sort through racks. “Okay, what next?”

  “You’ll need this.” I give him a large leather cuff with a watch in the center. “This.” A belt with rivets. “This.” A wallet with a large chain. “These.” Jeans with built in rips. “And this.” A tee with frayed sleeves and a large, jagged logo on the front that screams badass.

  He sighs.

  “You gotta cut that out. Sighing is the opposite of badass, you get me? The opposite of badass.”

  “What’s badass then?”

  “Grunting. Swearing.”

  “I don’t swear.”

  “Well, fine. You want to hook up with some church girls? Go ahead. You want someone hard, you need to be hard.”

  He clears his throat, and then grunts.

  I laugh, ignoring the fact that it’s kind of sexy with his deep voice. I shove him into a dressing room. “I’ll wait out here.”

  I sit on a table and wait. I’d like to look around, but I need to wait till next paycheck. Rent in Cali is hella high.

  “I don’t want to.”

  “What?” I yell back. “Don’t want to what?”

  “Come out.”

  “Why? Come on Ryan. You’re already half way to badass with that hair. It’ll look perfect on you. All the girls will come running.”

  “Girls like you?”

  I swallow. “Sure, girls like me. Badasses.”

  “Fine.”

  I hear a sigh that he turns to a grunt at the end, and then he comes out. I set down the magazine I was reading and look up.

  He could model for a motorcycle magazine. Instant lady-boners everywhere.

  He looks down at the floor and shoves his hands in his pockets, which is hard because the jeans are tight on his lean hips and muscled thighs. A few rips above the knee make me want to take a peek underneath.

  The belt is perfection, the tee hangs over the front, and I stand up to fix it. I tuck the front in slightly behind the belt, and it tightens the shirt in the front and draws attention to his chest and abs. Dude is ripped.

  “You roiding or something?”

  “I like working out. Love working out.”

  “Good with your hands?”

  He nods. I tuck the shirt a little further into the front of his pants and his breath catches. I realize I’m a bit close, and the air around us heats up.

  I step back, hands up.

  I like the look of the cuff, it emphasizes his hot forearms. He’s that rare combo of tall and built. Just one more thing. The shoes can wait. I reach up and grab his ponytail holder out of his hair. It looks too tidy.

  “Sit.” I point to a chair and he does. I pull his hair back and leave a few pieces out to the front, kind of messy, and tie the rest in a low pony that looks masculine. Now he looks perfect.

  We’ll just need to go somewhere where we can find the right type of chick.

  Chapter 4

  We turn onto Pike Drive just as the sun is setting. The mall took longer than I thought.

  Seems like with being senior guards we never get out of work much before the evening, but it’s fine because I’m a night owl anyway. This is when I come alive.

  Ryan stares the house we’ve just pulled up in front of, and fidgets. “Pike? Is this area safe at night?”

  I get out and look over to see if any of the crowd is here. A couple motorcycles are parked next to a few cars that are as old as mine but more beat up. I can hear voices coming from the backyard.

  “Safe? Why do you even have to worry about that?” I look over his six foot four frame, now clothed in irresistible, edgy clothing, and swallow back drool.

  He sets his head back against the seat rest and exhales slowly. “Not for me. I meant… Never mind. I’ll watch out for you.”

  My chest tightens uncomfortably. “Excuse me? Watch out for me? This is my crew. Watch out for yourself.” I slam my door a bit too hard and wait for him to join me. He closes his door carefully and strides over, chain jangling.

  His ponytail swings when he walks. I’ve seen this guy in guard clothing so many times before, but it’s so different seeing him like this.

  He’s everything I wish I could be. Tall. Tight. Powerful. A man. That’s the only reason I’m so intrigued by him. I want to be him. It can’t be anything else.

  I ring the doorbell and put my hands in my pockets.

  The door opens and Keri comes out from behind it. Her eyes are rimmed with dark kohl and her hair is green and purple. She looks me over and smiles. “Lookin’ good Ally. Haven’t seen you around lately.”

  I nod. “Busy with work.”

  “Still into guys?”

  “More or less.”

  “Too bad. You’ll be the hottest dude here.”

  I shrug. “This is my friend Ryan.”

  She opens the door wider to eye him. She folds her arms and takes a long, hard look, chewing on her lip ring. “Scratch that. He is.” She loops an arm through his and pulls him in, in front of me. “The straight girls will love him. And the gay dudes.”

  I laugh and follow them in. The house is dim and smells of weed but it doesn’t matter because we’re going outside anyway.

  “So how do you know Ally?” Keri asks Ryan as she opens the sliding back door.

  “Work.”

  “She just kind of came out of nowhere for us. Showed up at Pope park with that car and all that butchness. Surprised she was straight. Are you?”

  “Yeah,” he says.

  I grin and follow them out back.

  The porch lights are on, since the sun is now setting. There are the usual group of scattered white plastic chairs and kids on the lawn. Some smoking, some with cups in their hand.

  It’s an accepting group. Gay, straight, bi, trans, Black, White, Asian, etc.

  Rob holds up a cup and points to us as we join them. Rob is tall, black, and more pierced than a porcupine.

  “So Ally finally brought a dude around,” he says in a deep voice. His cup sloshes and spills a little as he sits back with a laugh. “‘Bout time. He’s cute.”

  Ryan blushes and looks over h
is shoulder at me, slightly alarmed. I just grin back.

  I grab a chair next to my friend Meghan and put my legs over one of the arms so I can lean back. She offers me her cup, but I wave it away.

  She has short red hair and a cute, chubby face. She’s into chicks. I keep meaning to introduce her to Amy.

  “Who’s this?” she asks, pointing to Ryan, who is taking a chair next to me, looking miserable.

  “This is my coworker, Ryan,” I say, pointing at him.

  “Where you from, Ryan?” Steven asks. Steven has platinum bleached hair and is tall and lanky. Maybe as tall as Ryan. He has hawk-like features and a beaked nose.

  “Here,” Ryan says.

  “Haven’t seen you around.”

  “He’s not our crowd. Usually,” I say, smiling at Ryan. “Is Jen gonna be here?”

  “Jen, why?” Steven asks.

  “Ryan’s looking for a butch chick.”

  Keri laughs and scoots her chair closer to mine. She leans over my legs and I let her. She smiles up at me and then at Ryan. “You mean like Ally? No one’s as butch as her.”

  I gulp. Wrong direction. “More like Jen.” I cough. “Super butch.”

  “Really? Jen?” Kyle asks, pointing to Jen, who is just now coming out of the back door in all her androgynous glory. Dyed black hair spiked up into a fauxhaux. Six feet of pure muscle in a leather jacket and jeans. “That’s your type?”

  Ryan coughs on his drink and sputters for a moment. I laugh and hit him on the back and pull him down into the chair next to me.

  “I’ll introduce you.”

  “Ally, I think you’re misunderstanding something…” Ryan whispers, not taking his eyes off Jen.

  “Jen, over here!” I yell.

  “Ally.” Jen’s voice is deep and she comes over and takes my hand in a firm shake. “S’up girl.”

  “I’d like you to meet my friend, Ryan.”

  She turns to him, blue eyes sparkling. She has a pretty face, even if it’s a little square. Her hair doesn’t help. But she’s all girl inside.

  “Nice to meet you, Ryan,” she says shyly.

  I grin and wait. Maybe this is more butch than he wanted, but he can’t say I didn’t deliver. I think I’ll let them get to know each other.