Harder

by Ashcroft, Blue

  “Here, you can have my chair so you can talk. I’m going to go get another drink.”

  I go into the house for something non-alcoholic. I’m driving tonight. There’s some milk in the fridge and I drink it straight out of the carton. I trust these peeps.

  “Ally, didn’t think I’d see you here.”

  I stand slowly, wiping my mouth and replacing the milk in the fridge. “Garrett.”

  Garrett glares down at me. He’s maybe six feet, with a shaved head and full sleeve tats. Dragons. Cheesy as hell. I made a mistake with him a year ago when I moved here. We made out in the back of his truck. Maybe he just reminded me of my ex. Even as I did it I knew it was never going to happen again.

  “Where you been Ally?”

  “Around. We just haven’t been at the same parties.”

  “Yeah. I noticed. You’re avoiding me.”

  He’s in that group of guys that can make me feel small. Ryan sometimes can too, when he gets that look in his eyes that says I’m being stupid. But Garrett does it based on sheer size, and suddenly I don’t want to be around him.

  I look out the back window and see Ryan trying to gently fend off Jen. Hilarious.

  “Something funny?” Garrett comes to the window, putting his arm around my shoulders. I try to shrug him off but he’s like a rock.

  “Nah, just brought my friend and it doesn’t look like he wants to hook up with Jen.”

  “Who does?” Garrett laughs.

  I growl and push away from him. “Jen’s amazing. He’d be lucky to date her.” No one talks that way about my friends. I grab the door. “I’m going back out there. The company’s better.”

  He grabs my arm and tries to spin me around, but I pull my wrist out between his thumb and fingers where it’s weak.

  “Don’t touch me Garrett, if you know what’s good for you.”

  “Aw come on, Ally. We had a good thing. We should have a repeat.”

  “Not on your life.” I kick open the door and jog outside. I take a chair across from Ryan and Jen where I can watch.

  We’ll see if he wants a butch girl after all.

  Ryan

  Maybe I should just give up on people. Maybe communicating with them is overrated.

  Jen’s arm is around my shoulder for the fifth time and I’m done trying to remove it. It’s not clear who the man here is and I’m not interested in finding out.

  She’s pretty in her own way. She’s tall and capable and fun to talk to, but I don’t just like butch chicks. I just like Ally.

  She’s sitting next to a huge tattooed guy and watching me with Jen.

  If I had to guess from his body language, and I’m good at guessing from body language, I’d say he just got rejected, and not for the first time.

  The thought makes my hands tighten on the arms of my chair. I’m not used to being jealous.

  “Something wrong, hon?” Jen asks, leaning in close.

  I grit my teeth at being called hon. “No. Who’s that with Ally?”

  She shrugs. “Garrett. They had something at one point. Not sure what though. She doesn’t talk about it.”

  Had something? How much of something?

  “You’re into her, aren’t you?” Jen says softly, sitting back in her chair, looking defeated.

  “No,” I say. Because it’s pointless. “I’m cool.”

  “Good,” she says, grabbing my ponytail and pulling me closer. “Because I like you. You’re cute.”

  Oh no. Not what I want. I pull back a bit, but she pulls harder on my hair and yanks me forward onto her mouth. I grip the arms of my chair and try to pull back but she’s still mashing into my mouth, grinding into my lips. She climbs off her chair and bends over mine, keeping the contact.

  No way to get her off, I just need to endure it. When she finally pulls back I take a deep gasp of air and pull her hand off my ponytail. Like most times when I’m worked up, I don’t have words for her. I want to sign at her, to yell at her with my hands, but she wouldn’t understand me.

  I breathe heavily up at her and try to express my anger with my eyes. She isn’t stronger than me, but I don’t hurt girls. And I don’t know if being gentle is going to work with her.

  I try to stand but she shoves me back in the chair and straddles my lap.

  I have the strength to throw her off me, but not the will to. Somehow my brain never imagined what I would do in a situation like this.

  I push around Jen and meet Ally’s eyes. She grins at me, but her eyes are steely and cold. Garrett leans over to say something and she doesn’t respond, just continues to stare at me, like she’s waiting to see what I’ll do.

  “Ally—Mffff.” I try to say something but get cut off when Jen comes in for more. My arms flail and then I grip my chair again. Oh gross. It’s not the fact that I’m getting kissed, it’s the fact that she’s trying to own me with her mouth.

  I keep my eyes open and see Ally and Garrett go off towards the house. I shove against Jen’s shoulders and push her back, gasping for air. Please words, come on. “Stop!”

  She sighs and pulls back. “I knew it. I’m not hot enough for you, am I?” She slumps back in her chair. I sit up, smoothing my hair back into its ponytail and gathering my composure.

  “It’s not that, Jen, just geez, you came on like a hurricane.” Suddenly my words are back, welcome and free. “You can’t just attack people.”

  “I thought you’d like it. I’m not good with guys.”

  I look her over, from her ears, pierced with three earrings, to her short hair, to her leather jacket. “I wouldn’t have guessed.”

  “Yeah. I think you’re hot though. You want a drink?”

  “Sure. Non-alcoholic.”

  “You a Mormon or something?”

  “I have work tomorrow,” I say. “I can’t be hung-over.”

  She reaches in a bucket next to her and pulls out a soda and tosses it over. I tap the lid a few times, hoping to dispel the bubbles.

  Ally is nowhere in sight. Oh yeah, she left with Garrett. While I was making out with Jen.

  “What do you do?”

  “I’m a lifeguard. Like Ally.”

  “Hot. I thought about doing that. Right now I work doing oil changes.”

  “I bet you’re good at it.”

  She nods. “I am.”

  That guy was a tank. I know Ally can take care of herself, but I still want to check on her. She’d probably beat me up for it. Say I’m a worrier, and not hardcore, and all of that. But I don’t like the idea of them together.

  She didn’t seem to want his company.

  What are they doing in the house? An image of them in a darkened hallway, his hands on her arms, pops up in my head, and I feel like I’m burning.

  Maybe I’m not her type. Maybe I’m not dominant enough, or hardcore enough. But maybe I am. Maybe she should give it a shot rather than ditching me out here with Jen.

  I like Ally. I like her silvery blonde hair, and her silver eyes, and her tall, long body. I like that she’s strong, and I like that she’s open and shows everything she’s feeling through her face and body. I can communicate with her.

  We’re going to have to talk about readjusting our deal. I’m not going to tutor her and then have her take me out and ditch me so she can make out with other guys.

  “I’m gonna go find Ally.”

  “Might not want to. They might want some private time.”

  “I know. That’s why I’m going.”

  “Garrett’s not a bad dude. You sure you aren’t interested?”

  I shrug. I don’t need to answer to anyone else.

  Chapter 5

  I dodge Garrett’s mouth and wonder if I should go back and rescue Ryan yet.

  I didn’t want to watch them, and Garrett was only too happy to follow me into the house, and now my back is to the fridge and his hands are on either side of my head and he’s leaning in for a kiss. And more.

  I’m not in the mood and I move out of the way of his mouth. H
e grunts and pulls back, glaring down into my eyes. “You want this or not? You asked me to come in with you.”

  “That doesn’t mean I want to make out. I just wanted to get out of there.”

  “Cause your friend is making it with Jen?”

  I look away.

  “Oh, I see. You’re using me.” His eyes narrow.

  I shrug. “You got a problem with that?”

  “Not necessarily. What do I get?”

  “Not what you want.” I push one of his arms away and try to walk off but he traps me against the fridge again. My body tenses. I don’t like being pushed around. I don’t like any proof that someone else is stronger. I don’t want to try and get away again only to fail. I want to hit him in the balls. I look outside to see Ryan talking with Jen. Looks like he got her off after all. He’s a stronger personality than he looks. I like his ponytail.

  “You’re zoning out.”

  “And you’re pissing me off.” I glare up at Garrett. “This isn’t going anywhere. Let me go.”

  He runs his hands over my shoulders. An icky feeling shoots through me.

  “Come on Ally. I like you. I’ve liked you since you first showed up. You’re my kind of girl. We’re a good fit. That guy isn’t man enough for you.”

  “Ryan’s just a friend.”

  “Yeah, that’s what you keep saying. I’m just saying, you and I could be more.”

  Garrett’s hot in his own way. He’s like every other guy I’ve known and liked. A bad boy. Rough around the edges.

  Boring.

  I lean my head back against the cold, hard fridge door and look up at him. He wets his lips. Outside, Ryan is touching Jen’s hand. Comforting her.

  That’s such a different type of man. That’s a type of man I don’t understand. That type of man pushes you, keeps you on your feet, and threatens your heart. I don’t need that kind of man.

  I put my hand up around Garrett’s neck and pull him down to me. He takes my mouth and I zone out. He moves down my neck and I think about work, what we should train on tomorrow. I don’t feel anything from what he does, but it’s the kind of numbness that gives me a break from stress. He’s emptying me, leaving me a shell, and when he comes back to my mouth again, I open for him.

  Distract me more. Numb me more. I close my eyes and go limp, letting him press against me.

  “So hot, Ally.”

  I shrug, a little disgusted that he requires so little feedback to think something is hot. There has to be another kind of hot somewhere.

  I look back out to the yard, but Ryan’s gone. Maybe he’s gone home, called a ride. I’ve sure been a disappointing friend today. Hooking him up with Jen even when he looked unhappy about it, and then running away after. He deserves better.

  I always know how to shoot myself in the foot. Garrett nips my earlobe and I push his head back.

  “Not there,” I say.

  He shakes his head and moves to another area. Neck. Shoulder. Wet. Bite. Tongue. Oh. Good. Do me baby. Not.

  The house smells bad. My friends smell bad. I want to go to work. I want to go home. Sometimes escaping just sends you right back to the things you want to escape.

  Garrett is reminding me of unhappy times. Of running. Of misery and of being trapped. I let a slow breath out.

  He bites me. That’s enough. I bring my hands up to push him away and see a pair of angry green eyes staring at us from across the room.

  Ryan.

  I push on Garrett, trying to get his attention. He keeps going. I give him a hard shove and he moves back and turns around, breathing heavily. He and Ryan lock eyes.

  “Ryan, meet me at the car. We’re leaving,” I say, trying to move around Garrett. He blocks me off.

  Ryan’s frown deepens. Garrett growls.

  I feel like a lady sheep between two rams. Ryan pulls his hair from his ponytail, shakes it, and pulls it into a much tighter one. Like he’s prepping for something.

  “All right pretty boy. Gotta get your pony ready?” Garrett cracks his knuckles. I put my hand over my face and sigh. Ryan might be handsome and quiet, but right now he seems ready to be just as Neanderthal as Garrett.

  And I’m no princess to be fought over. Hasn’t Ryan already learned his lesson from tonight? Girls like me, we’re no good for him. We’re not normal like him. We’re confused, and not even capable of taking what he has to offer.

  I grab Garrett through the arm. “I’ll be right back, Ryan.” I’ll just walk Garrett outside first.

  “No.” Ryan steps in front of us. His face is stony, his jaw tense. Angry. “We’re leaving.”

  Garrett pushes him, his hand landing squarely on Ryan’s wide chest. Ryan doesn’t have his sheer girth, but he’s got a lot of toned, hard muscle. He doesn’t move when he’s pushed and pushes Garrett back. Garrett pushes me out of the way and lunges at Ryan.

  I don’t even know what they’re fighting about. It’s so stupid. Ryan dodges Garrett’s haymaker and then grabs his arm as he stumbles past and slams his other hand into his back, slamming him into the wall behind them. Ryan steps back as Garrett rebounds off the wall, swinging blindly. Ryan’s pops him one in the eye and he goes to one knee, cursing. He puts a hand up to his eye and curses, then pulls it away and looks up at Ryan. And grins.

  “Dang dude. Good right.”

  Ryan just frowns at him, confused.

  “Oh come on.” I walk over and grab his arm, and he turns to me with hard, jade colored eyes.

  “No, you come on,” he says.

  Before I know what’s happening, I’m upside down and over his shoulder. I’m not a sack. I can’t just be scooped up and carted around. It’s kinda hot though.

  “You go, man.” Garrett mutters from the kitchen. I hear the back door slam behind him.

  Ryan stops at the couch, throws me down on it. Before I can sit up and get off, he on top of me. He’s huge and angry, and some hair has escaped his ponytail and is hanging in his eyes.

  This isn’t the Ryan I know, but it’s kinda hot. His sheer weight over me, his muscles tensing against me. His mouth is hard, and he looks down at my lips. Then he moves in as if to kiss me.

  Maybe it’s just because I’m pinned here anyway, but I let him. More distraction. More numbness. Go ahead.

  But he stops before he reaches my lips, hovers just above them, runs a hand softly over my cheek, and sighs.

  “Sighs aren’t—”

  “I know,” he says, cutting me off. “They aren’t manly.” He runs a finger along my neck, following the muscles there down to my clavicle, running his finger along the dip at the base. Exploring me gently. My skin is waking up under his touch. “I guess I’ll have to be my own kind of manly.”

  He leans forward and drops his lips softly to mine. Light as snow falling on grass. Why does it light me up inside when it’s so light and soft? His hand moves to my waist, caresses my hip. He knows instinctively where I like to be touched, and he’s so gentle I can’t block him out and escape to numbness. The kiss is long, and soft, and his lips fit against mine perfectly. It’s so different from anything I’ve ever felt.

  I want to put my hands up around him. I want to tell him never to stop. I want to hold him. I want to run away.

  I push on him, and he sits up immediately. Unlike Garrett. He sweeps hair out of his eyes and bites his lip. I study his face, and then run my eyes over his body. How can someone so big be so gentle? His shoulders are twice as wide as mine, his hands could crush my windpipe in a second. How can he be so gentle?

  My eyes feel watery and I put my hand up over my face.

  “Ally, what’s wrong?”

  “I just don’t get you. Just leave me alone.”

  “Ally, I’m sorry.” He runs his hand over my hair and it’s so tender I could scream.

  Tenderness isn’t welcome. Look at me. Does it really look like I want tender? I want hard. I want hard, and I want to be hard. Hardness and rock. Untouchable.

  “It’s not you,” I mutter. “I want to
go home.”

  “Okay.” He sits up and pulls me up with him. “Let’s go home.”

  I stand up, letting my blood and emotions settle, and run my hands over my clothing, smoothing it back into place. “So how were things with Jen?”

  He turns to me with a glare, but his eyes are twinkling. “I don’t think I’m into butch after all.”

  I shrug. “I thought not.”

  “I’m still into you though.” He grins and goes through the door, leaving me speechless.

  “But—”

  “Sorry Ally. It is what it is.”

  I’m going to punch him.

  ***

  I pack up my materials and shove them all in my backpack, my eyes still on Ryan at the front of the classroom. He just did a signing demonstration with the teacher, and it was mesmerizing. He lights up when he signs, his facial expressions perfectly capture the meaning of what he’s saying, and the room just becomes completely captivated by him.

  I’m captivated by him, but he’s just not my type. Not for me. I sling my backpack over my shoulder, take a deep breath to clear my mind, and edge my way past the other seats on my row so I can get out of class just as the bell rings.

  I’m almost to the door, avoiding the eyes and words of other classmates, because I’m not in the mood to talk to anyone today, when a hand grabs my upper arm. I sigh, and swish hair out of my face and look up to see who it is. Ryan.

  “You want to work together after this?” His face is flushed and happy, and I can tell he ate up the attention from the class. Somehow I prefer the stoic, quiet Ryan from the pool. The one I could harass and tease, not this one that’s popular and better than me and everyone’s favorite.

  “I don’t know. I gotta get out of here. Been cooped up since ten. Had history before this.”

  He nods. “Just let me get my stuff. We’ll go out on the grass.”

  I shrug, hating that he’s going to come either way, and hating that I don’t mind if he does.

  I walk out ahead of him and shade my eyes and look for a good tree. Somewhere not too isolated but not in the middle of anything either. I find one and go over to it, chuck my bag down beside me and slump against the tree with closed eyes and folded arms.