Harder

by Ashcroft, Blue

  She frowns. “I guess so.”

  “I guess I’ll give it a shot.”

  She nods and opens her door.

  “You want me to walk you up?”

  “No.”

  “You sure?”

  “I’ll be fine. I do this every night, remember?”

  “Not every night.”

  “That’s true, sometimes I have to lug my half naked best friend up a flight of long-ass stairs.”

  “Hm. It is a long staircase.”

  She laughs and shuts the door, then leans over to talk through the open window. “See you at work?”

  “Yeah. See you tomorrow.”

  She waves and walks off, slinging her backpack over her shoulder.

  I don’t know what to do with her. I want to make her life better, and I don’t know how, or if I should. I guess I’ll just focus on my date, and take her at her word that that’s what she wants.

  I stare at her long legs, pale and smooth in the moonlight, toned and perfect.

  Yeah, I’ll focus on Emily. Maybe I need a distraction too.

  Chapter 12

  We’re moving solidly into the middle of the season now. I cross the tiles at a brisk pace to where Ryan is talking to Emily near the door that goes between the deck and the reception area.

  “‘Sup?” I say, and they both stop talking, and look my way.

  “Hi Ally,” Emily says shyly. She looks a little less perfect after a full day of work, but still amazing. Clean hair pulled back in a tidy knot. Shirt tucked in. Little stud earrings.

  I have studs too. I have five in one ear and three in the other.

  “Ryan, can I talk to you?”

  He looks to Emily, she nods, and he comes with me.

  “You need something?”

  “Yeah, I need you to stop talking to your girlfriend long enough to do your job.”

  “She’s not my girlfriend.” He narrows his eyes and stands a little taller, folding his arm as he does. His arm muscles bunch and flex against his chest. I’ve always loved his arm muscles. I can’t put on muscle for anything. I just get more and more toned.

  “Then why are you always talking to her when you should be working?”

  His eye twitches, and he brushes his hair back from his face. “I don’t. I’ve barely talked to her since our date last week.”

  “Oh.” Now I feel a bit stupid. I shove my hands in my shorts and look over the deck. “Still, you should be paying attention.”

  “Like you should be paying attention, rather than worrying about who I’m talking to?”

  Douche. “Yeah. But we’re closing in an hour. There’s practically no one here. I can hear double whistles if I need to. There’s time to talk.”

  He adjusts his arms and raises an eyebrow at me, and I swallow. “Fine. Talk to her after shift though. It doesn’t look good. Hitting on an employee in front of the guards.”

  His jaw tightens. I just keep irritating him more. But at least his attention is on me now.

  “Did you need something Ally?”

  “Naw, just wanted to check up. Walk the deck with me.” I grab him through the arm and pull him with me.

  He sighs and allows me to lead him.

  “So, you two got a second date yet?”

  “We might have, had you not interrupted.”

  “Dude, you could lose your virginator status.”

  He puts a hand up to his face and laughs. “Right. Except for one thing.”

  “What?”

  “I don’t want to. What’s so hard for you to get about this sex before marriage thing?”

  “I don’t know. Guys want it all the time, don’t they?”

  “No, they don’t,” he says as we pass around the back of the slide and check on the guards there. Everything fine. “I don’t, anyway.”

  “Why not? You frigid?”

  He winces. “No. I just, I don’t want it in general. It means more to me. I don’t know. You can have it how you want, and I should be able to have it how I want.”

  I shrug. “You’re missing out.”

  “Am I? Was your abusive ex-husband good then?”

  I flinch, and he looks sorry for saying it the second it’s out of his mouth. Like he’d grab it and shove it back in if he could. “That’s none of your business.”

  “Then my virginity isn’t any of yours.”

  “Fine.”

  “Fine.”

  “Want to do an audit with me in the last hour?”

  “No. I’m going to watch the lap pool I think. Couple of rowdy groups there.”

  “We should hang out,” I blurt out. “I haven’t seen you in a while.”

  “I texted. You didn’t respond. At work you’ve been distant.”

  “I know. I’m dealing with some stuff. School is busy.” And you’re confusing, and scary, and I need to see you on my own time, when I’ve worked myself out. I’m just not ready for someone so good. I need to deal with my shiz first.

  I need to be a badass again for a while, so that I know I can still survive just fine on my own if you suddenly leave me. If I’m alone again.

  “Okay. What do you want to do?”

  “Go for a drive? Maybe the beach?”

  “Sure.”

  “Your car or mine?” He just raises an eyebrow, so I fold my arms. “Don’t even act like it’s an easy choice. Your stupid Mercedes doesn’t have half the class of Big Blue.”

  He laughs. “I was just thinking we should protect Big Blue from the elements and save his engine.”

  “Fine.” That’s a good reason.

  “See you after work then?”

  “Fine.” I stomp off, and I think I can hear him chuckling behind me.

  Why do I feel irritated when I get what I want? We’re hanging out. I should probably invite Emily. When it’s just me and him, things get awkward. Plus, being around her, I get to be the badass in comparison, not the flower. I pull out my phone and send a text, then slip it back in my pocket.

  It lights up while I’m auditing one of the guards. Emily says she can come. Great. I can even give them some alone time if they want.

  A couple hours later, we reach the beach. Emily blabbered most of the way, and Ryan responded politely, and I rested my head on the front passenger window and watched the road fly by, thinking how different Cali looks compared to Ohio, and wondering how the beach will be. If Ryan’s picked a good one.

  It’s finally sinking in how far I’ve come this year, how much things have changed. I have real friends again, like Amy and Ryan and Emily. I have a guy that I trust, even if he’s a confusing virginator.

  I’m starting to want more than I wanted when I left.

  All I wanted was escape. Trees fly by as we go higher into and over the lush green hills that make up the coast. It’s beautiful here, but for once I can look at something outside me and not want to run away and make a home alone in it.

  So many times growing up, I just wanted to run. Then when I did, I realized I wasn’t equipped to. I fell, and Zach was there, but then I fell again. I decided not to climb. Now I find myself higher, maybe higher than ever before. I’m thinking about what I really want from life, whether it’s being alone, or being with someone difficult like Ryan.

  I’m starting to see the perks there.

  Emily asks what beach, Ryan names one, and she agrees it’s good. I don’t know anything about the beaches here. They talk more about their school, and what they like to do, and I feel like a third wheel. I guess that’s what I was going for anyway, but maybe I should have invited Amy. Nah, she would have brought a dude or dudes, and I’m not up for that right now.

  “You okay, Ally?” Emily asks.

  I smile back at her. “Yeah, just tired. Long work day.”

  “Yeah, I don’t know how you lifeguards do it, on your feet all day.”

  “I don’t know how you do it, trying to please long lines and crowds all day.”

  She blushes, pulls a stray piece of hair back into her sm
ooth bun. “Thanks. It’s not that hard.”

  Damn, I like this chick. I guess when they’re going out she’ll still let me hang out with Ryan without being threatened by me. I’ve been worrying about that lately. For all I tease Ryan about not wanting to date, once he does, I doubt they’re going to love that he has me for a best friend, and that we study together, work together, and hug and kiss once in a while. I sink my head against the window again, because Emily’s talking to Ryan again.

  We arrive at the parking area for the beach. It’s a high overlook with stairs down to the main area. I get out and stretch. The air is cool and salty, the sun evening bright, low in the sky and just burning your retinas immediately if you look at it.

  Ryan gets stuff from the back and my ears prick up. I hurry back there to grab my stuff, and an umbrella, and then reach for Emily’s stuff so I can get to it before Ryan.

  “Wow, both such gentlemen.” Emily giggles. I freeze, still bent over with her stuff in my hands. She just called me a dude. Something I thought I wanted, to be the same as a guy, but for some reason it’s really…not nice.

  “Sorry,” she says, putting her hands up to her face. “Ally, I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean it. I just meant, you’re always so protective of people.”

  I sling a bag over my shoulder and heft the rest up so Ryan can shut the trunk. But he doesn’t. He’s holding his stuff and looking me over with concerned eyes. Concerned, beautiful green eyes.

  “You gonna shut that so we can get out of here?” I ask, turning away from them.

  Ryan stops on the way down to put money in the park box. I can hear Emily asking him something, probably about me, since she sounds worried. She needn’t be. I’m fine.

  I dress like this, and I do try to do everything I think guys would do. I guess I’m trying to be the perfect dude for myself, so that I don’t need one. Not that women can’t do the same things, just that I’m into men, and I guess it’s natural that I would pair up with one, or if not, try to make up for it myself.

  It just seems like men get everything. I lay out my towel and sit on it, elbows on my knees, cheeks in my palms.

  “We’re going to walk down the beach, Ally. Want to come?”

  “Nah,” I say, leaning back on my towel and pulling sunglasses out of my bag. I pull them out and put my hands behind my head. “I’ll stay and tan.”

  “It’s late,” Ryan says.

  “I’ll stay.”

  He exhales, and I can’t tell if he’s angry, and I close my eyes to block them out. Their footsteps fade away. I sit up, alone. The ocean is very gray. Not what I expected from Cali beaches. The sand is gray too, but a beige gray, not a green gray like the water. The waves turn over and over. Not a lot of people on the beach. Kind of boring here.

  Ryan and Emily are a ways down the beach, walking at the edge of the water. She takes his arm and pulls him toward an oncoming wave, dips her toes in it, and runs back, her laughter reaching me on the wind alongside the cries of seagulls.

  And Ryan’s laugh. He gives her a little shove towards the water, and it covers her feet, and she runs back squealing and swatting him on the arm. He just laughs and keeps walking down the beach, and she follows again.

  Ugh, normal people are disgusting.

  Is this how normal kids play? Normal adults? Ryan gets a little ahead of Emily, and looks back to see if she’s coming, and she steps forward quickly. She reaches for his hand, takes it in hers, and swings it between them casually.

  The little minx! Damn girl, right for the gold! Maybe not that innocent after all. Ryan looks down at her hand, then at hers. He looks so big, and handsome, and unsure. And then he smiles at her, relaxes, and lets their hands swing between them again.

  My stomach makes a weird noise, and I rub it. Have I ever held hands with someone like that?

  They’re so far away from me, and it’s not just physical distance. They’re in a different world, a world that’s happy and innocent. Where people don’t have to choose between being homeless and being married, and where married people don’t fight and hit each other because they’re just teenagers.

  They live in a world of parents, and rules, and wealth. Houses, not apartments.

  So why should I deserve to be with people like them? I lean back on my hands and watch the ocean again. I’ve never really felt inferior to others for what I didn’t have. I’ve never really envied the girly girls. They may be pretty, but I’m strong. I never really wanted that easy life, because mine has made me who I am. I make friends easily, and I get the jobs I want.

  I’ve always felt that the whole world was in my grasp if I wanted it, even if things did start out awfully crappy for me.

  But watching Emily holding Ryan’s hand, watching them smile and laugh as they walk along the ocean, like some kind of ad for a white people dating site, for the first time feel like there’s a wall I can’t climb. Something I can’t have, because of who I am and what I’ve been through. Something I can’t just reach forward and take by sheer force of will.

  And it makes me so angry.

  I wait until they’re turned all the way away from me, and fold up my towel quietly. I pull my stuff together. I’ll just go up on to the main road and hitch a ride back or something. Maybe just walk. Maybe those hills do look good for disappearing in. Maybe I should live like an animal, if I can’t live like those two people down there on the beach below.

  The perfect girl with the perfect guy. The guy I love. I start forward up the hill. The sand keeps getting in my tennis shoes, annoying me. Someone’s running towards me, footsteps pounding the sand. I turn around as I reach the top of the hill to see Ryan, ten feet away, scrambling to reach me, handsome face flushed,

  “Ally, what’s wrong? Where are you going?”

  “I don’t belong here. I’m ruining your date.”

  “Ally, you’re the one who asked me here.”

  “Yeah, so? You’re the one who went off with Emily.” I fold my arms and adjust my stuff so it’s not as uncomfortable. There’s a lot of it. Damn, I think I grabbed one of Emily’s bags by accident. I try to pull it out, but they’re all tangled up. I drop it all on the ground with a huff and root through until I can separate it.

  “Fine. Here. Take this back to her when you go back down.”

  “I’m not going back down.”

  “Should you really leave her alone down there? She might drown or something.” I know it’s mean, but I’m feeling mean and low right now. And jealous.

  “Ally, she’s fine. In fact, she might be stronger than you.”

  Anger fires in me, heating me uncomfortably all the way to my fingertips. I turn my back on him and head towards the road, scuffing sand off my shoes as I go.

  “She might be stronger than you, because she’s not afraid, like you.”

  “I’m not afraid.”

  “Yes you are.” He’s still following me, his deep voice resonating in my chest and ears. First I can’t get him to talk, now I can’t get him to shut up when I want him to. Uncontrollable.

  “Oh yeah? Of what?”

  “Of everything!” He’s nearly to me, and I’m nearly to the road, so I simply turn and start walking along it. “You’re afraid to be normal, and afraid to be girly, and most of all, you’re afraid to be happy.”

  I just shake my head.

  “You can shake your head all you want, but you know it’s true. You won’t give me a chance because you know I could make you happy. I could make you happier than you’ve ever been, but you just keep pushing me at Emily, over and over, saying it’ll make you happy.”

  I hunch in, as if I can block out his words with my body.

  “But the truth is, it makes you miserable seeing us together, doesn’t it?”

  I toss my head, flipping my hair out of my way, and turn back to walk down the road in the opposite direction. I don’t want to get too far from Emily. No one should be alone on the beach.

  “Doesn’t it even occur to you that it could make me happ
y too?” he says. “Don’t you think you might be good for me, too?”

  I breathe in deeply. Cool, salty ocean air. I think about it. No. I don’t have anything to offer. I’m good at sex, but he doesn’t want that. I’m not good at normal. I’m not good at happy. I’m good at strong. I’m good at working hard. I’m not good at dipping my toes in the ocean and giggling like a freakin’ princess. If he expects that of me, he’s only going to be disappointed.

  “I want to be your friend, but I don’t think I can make you happy.”

  “Don’t you get it Ally?” He takes my arms and pulls me to face him. “I don’t want to be just friends. I want to be more than friends. I’m okay with friends, because that’s what you want, but I want more. I want to get to know you better, and I want to just talk with you for hours. I want to night swim, and touch you.”

  “But no sex.”

  He wipes his forehead and sighs. “Yeah, not yet.”

  “But when you get married.”

  “Yeah, hopefully.”

  “And you only want to date me.”

  He blinks those long, perfect lashes. I want to touch his face.

  “See, don’t you see the problem? You can only be happy when you’re married, and I don’t want to get married ever again. I don’t want to sign my name on a dotted line and be under someone’s power. I don’t want to give or take half of everything. I don’t want to feel obligated to someone again. If that’s the cost for happy I’m not paying it.”

  His shoulders sag slightly, like it’s finally sinking in. We’ve been playing, like kids, thinking it wouldn’t catch up to us how different we are. We’ll graduate, and he’ll do more school. He’ll marry someone like Emily and lose his virginator status. And he’ll bring his Mercedes by and I’ll give it an oil change, and he’ll look at me covered in grease and thank his lucky stars I turned him down.

  “Then what cost are you going to pay, Ally? What cost is worth it?”

  “No cost. I don’t need that much to live. I didn’t think about it much until you came into my life. I can go back to being happy, if I don’t have to watch you two lovebirds holding hands and walking along the ocean!” My hands are balled into tight fists, my nails digging into my palms. “I’m either going to hitchhike, or you can drive me home. You pick, but you got about a minute.”