Harder

by Ashcroft, Blue

  “Let me get Emily.”

  “Okay.”

  He turns away, then turns back. The breeze picks up his hair. “You know, you really disappoint me, Ally. I mean you bring us out here, you invite her, and you just, throw a tantrum. I’m embarrassed Ally. For the first time with you, I’m embarrassed.”

  “Yeah well, go figure,” I say. But it stings.

  He comes back with Emily and the ride home is somber. She doesn’t know how to lighten the mood, and I don’t want to lighten it anyway. I turn on the radio, and Ryan turns down the volume. I sigh. When we get back to work, he drops me off by the LeBaron. Looks like Emily is staying in the car. Fine.

  “Have a good night Ally,” Emily says, as I’m unlocking my door and trying to get away from them as quickly as possible.

  “Thanks.”

  “Drive safe,” she says.

  “Sure.” Finally I get in with all of my stuff and shut the door, shutting them away from me. Ryan pulls away without looking at me.

  Maybe he really is disgusted. Maybe he’s finally realized that I’m no good for him. All the better I guess.

  If only work wasn’t going to be super awkward from now on.

  I drive home the rest of the way in a foul mood. But a few minutes away, I realize that, as usual, I can’t hold grudges. I sigh and pull out my phone.

  “I’m sorry Ryan,” I text.

  “It’s okay. I’m sorry too,” he replies.

  “Talk to you tomorrow about it?”

  “Sure.”

  I put the phone away and climb the steps to my floor. When I get there I freeze.

  “Ally,” a voice says softly.

  I can’t believe it. I’m not even afraid, just shocked. I should have known this was coming, but I wasn’t prepared for it. “Zach?”

  He comes forward to hug me, and I sink against his shoulder, utterly confused.

  Chapter 13

  I feel verbally stopped up, but I know I have to talk. Being with Ally has taught me that sometimes staying quiet is just unproductive.

  “I’m sorry, where do you live?” I ask Emily.

  “You can just take me back to work. My car’s there.”

  I nod and drive back on auto-pilot. I want to call Ally, want to drive back there and go after her. But what’s wrong with me? There’s a wonderful girl here with me. Pretty, kind, with a musical laugh.

  The kind I grew up around. And she wants me. I can feel it. I grip the steering wheel as we pull into the employee lot. She points to her car and I pull in beside it.

  My phone goes off and it’s Ally, saying she’s sorry. I text back that I am too. We’ll talk about it tomorrow. I put the phone away and glance over at Emily, who is waiting patiently.

  She’s sitting still, hands in her lap, and I get out to open her door, thinking it’s weird to be around a girl who actually expects it after being around Ally. Emily smiles up at me and takes my hand to get out, fluttering her blonde eyelashes over her pretty blue eyes.

  But I’m haunted by a pair of silver ones, glinting with mischief.

  Emily’s car is a couple steps away, and she stops before going in, as if she doesn’t want to leave. How I feel when I’m leaving Ally.

  “Can we talk?”

  “Sure.” I guess I should probably be straight with her anyway. I lead the way to some grass at the side of the park. I like it because it’s away from the road, and quiet. A good place to think. I lean back, and have to remind myself that we’re here to decide something, and I can’t zone out.

  “Ryan, do you like me?” She’s sitting, arms around her knees. A little ball.

  I think back over our time together, from pulling her out of the pool, to going to lunch, to holding hands at the beach. I turn and look at her, really look at her, because I feel like ever since I’ve known her I haven’t really looked at her. I haven’t given her a real chance. In a way, I’ve been using her, and that’s unfair. I’ve been into Ally, and listening to Ally, and ignoring Emily.

  It isn’t fair to her.

  “I do, Emily. As a friend.”

  She sighs. “I knew it.” She swats the grass in front of us. “You like Ally, right?”

  I nod. I turn back to the stars. I could watch them forever. I bet if Ally were here she’d make up constellations and not stop talking. And I’d just lie still and smile and listen. It’s a good match, if only she’d see that.

  “So what are you going to do?” Emily asks, wrapped around her knees again. “Does she like you?”

  “Ha.”

  “Oh.”

  “Yeah.” It’s pretty obvious she doesn’t. Pretty obvious that from the start I was headed for heartache. I don’t know why I thought she’d fall for me too while I was falling for her. It’s my turn to swat the grass angrily. “I don’t know what I’ll do.”

  “Do you think she’ll ever want you? Like that, I mean?”

  Clouds are moving in from the East, and soon they’ll cover the already faint stars. “I don’t know.”

  “And you’re just willing to wait?”

  I can hear the frustration in her voice, and I know what she’s feeling. It sucks when the person you like doesn’t like you back. “No. I don’t know what I’ll do. I just know what I feel.”

  “And that is?”

  “I’ve been captivated by her since I met her.” Since I met her and realized I do love to talk. I do love words. Maybe I would have been a writer or something, if I’d grown up differently. I like signing, but I like English too.

  Emily frowns and stares over at me. “Sucks, doesn’t it?”

  “What?”

  “Liking someone who doesn’t like you.”

  I laugh softly. “Yeah, it sucks.”

  “Why can’t you consider me?”

  I think about it again. Cool air blows by and I look over and realize Emily isn’t wearing a jacket. I take mine off and put it over her shoulders. She throws it back.

  “Stop being protective if you don’t like me.”

  I set it to the side, so she can take it if she wants it. “I do like you Emily. I just, I liked Ally before I met you, and I can’t really give us a real chance.”

  “Why not? You can give me a chance if you want to.” She turns around, leaning on one hand, staring down at me. Down at my mouth. “You don’t know till you try.”

  Ally’s face, red and angry, swearing and pointing, flashes up in my mind, warning me against it. But she turned me down. She was final and certain about it. That’s that. And maybe, just like Ally, I’m all wrong about what’s right for me, about who I should be with. Maybe I could set the example for her, by choosing to be with someone I may not feel is right for me.

  Maybe I’m messed up like she is, and unable to see what could make me happy.

  Emily leans forward, puts a hand on either side of my head. I wince and pull my ponytail out from underneath her.

  “Sorry.”

  “It’s fine. Just be careful.” It’s already really unromantic.

  “Okay.” Emily leans forward. Closer, closer. Her lips are so close I can feel her breathing. Her breasts press against my chest. I bring my hand up around her waist, and one to the back of her head. Her lips hit mine at an awkward angle, then I adjust and settle in.

  It’s…warm. But it’s a warmth that isn’t building. I’m not excited. I’m not into it. She’s not giving up. I open my eyes, and watch her. Hers are closed, so I close mine again.

  I put my hands on her shoulders and pull her gently away. “I’m sorry.”

  “I know. Me too.”

  “I just, why do you even like me?”

  She flushes and looks away for a moment. “I don’t know. You’re cute. You’re buff. You’re nice to everyone. You’re tall. You’re really protective. You saved my life.”

  “That was my job.”

  “I know, but it was still kind of romantic. I don’t know. I’m nineteen, and I should be more practical, but it was romantic to me. Made me feel like I was in high
school again.”

  “And that’s a good thing?” I raise an eyebrow.

  She shrugs. “I don’t know. Life was less complicated then.”

  Not for me. I mean it was okay, but I can barely wait to keep moving on. I don’t want to go back. Maybe that’s why I’m just not very attracted to Emily. Because it’s too stagnant for me. She’s not challenging. She’s too like me. She doesn’t push me.

  I want to graduate college, and do more college. I want to get married, have a family. But I want it to always be an adventure. I want to keep growing, always learning something new, like I have over the past summer with Ally. It’s been hard, but it’s been my favorite summer so far.

  I guess I like challenging. My life has been full of privilege, and Ally’s has been hard, and when we’re together I bring a little privilege into her life, and she brings a little challenge into mine.

  My parents have always hammered it into me that we’re just lucky to have what we have, that we have responsibilities to others. Like them, I’ll probably always work, regardless of what I inherit or what’s in a trust for me. I’ll always try to give back to the community. But Ally makes me aware of even more need, even more ways to give back.

  We could do a lot of good together. With her, I wouldn’t take things for granted.

  But it’s not even that. It’s her hair, her laugh, her eyes, her smile. The way she punches people in the arm when she’s mad, the way she pulls her hat backwards to talk to you. The way she runs the deck better than anyone else while only paying half attention. The way everyone turns when she walks into a room because she has the confidence of ten people, or seems to.

  “What were you thinking about?” Emily says, cutting into my thoughts.

  “I’m sorry.” It’s rude to be thinking of Ally, when I’m here with another girl. Someone who has been patient and kind. I reach forward, brush hair out of her face and give her a kiss on the cheek.

  “I hope we can still be friends, Emily.”

  “I’d like that a lot.” She flushes and puts a hand to her cheek. “Gosh, why do you have to be so damn nice Ryan?”

  “You swear?”

  “Only once in a while. Like when I’m getting my heart broken.” She pushes herself to a standing position. “But I guess it’s time to move past childish crushes.” She reaches a hand out to help me stand. Her hand isn’t as pale as Ally’s. It’s strong and sturdy too. She’ll be okay.

  “Don’t be too hard on yourself,” I say.

  “I know, just. I was too shy in school.” She wraps her arms around and hugs herself. “To be honest Ryan, I always saw you in the halls. I thought you were so cute. I knew you worked here.” She gestured. “And I guess, I never had a boyfriend. Never did anything in high school, I guess I thought I’d give it one more try, before I transfer schools in September, when the school year starts.”

  “You’ll find someone.”

  “Yeah,” she says, sounding glum.

  “I mean it, Emily, you’re a cute girl. Someone will be lucky.”

  “Yeah, but I guess you never get over your first crush.”

  “I’m in trouble then.”

  “Ally’s your first?”

  I nod. “I was probably even shyer than you in high school. I probably would have been scared to death of you.”

  “Really?”

  “Yeah.”

  “I’m sorry I didn’t talk to you, then.”

  “Well, we’re friends now at least.” I follow her back to the car, and wait as she gets in and sits in the driver’s seat with a sigh. She has a Civic, a good conservative car. It’s not her fault it’s not blue, and a LeBaron.

  “Are you sure? Like sure sure?”

  “I am.”

  “Will you let me know if you change your mind? We have a couple more months left.”

  I smile. “Okay, if something changes, I’ll let you know.”

  “All right. Have a good night?”

  “I will. You too.”

  I step back so she can pull out. As she turns out of the parking lot, she looks back to wave. I think I can see tears on her cheeks.

  I sit in my car again. It’s dark, and I don’t want to go home yet. When I’m here, there’s always the possibility of seeing Ally. If I go home, if I go to sleep, I’ll have to accept everything. Accept that Ally doesn’t want me, that she’s right and we’re a bad match. I’ve already rejected Emily, so maybe I’ll be alone forever? How can we go back to being friends after what I said? I told her I wanted her, that I could make her happy, and she could make me happy.

  Maybe it would take time, but I just can’t think that it will never work. I really believe we could be made for each other, the more I hang out with her. It’s stimulating.

  But maybe I’m not stimulating for her. Because I’m just a boring virgin. Because I won’t sex her up. It’s not that I don’t want to. The thought of her in my arms turns me on. But maybe I haven’t shown her that. Maybe I haven’t been aggressive enough.

  I pull out my phone, flip it around a few times, and open it.

  “You there?” I text.

  She doesn’t respond right away, so I set the phone on the seat and start driving. I want to see her in person, talk to her about what happened today. Make sure everything isn’t ruined. My phone goes off again as I pull up to her building.

  I flip open my phone.

  “Sorry, can’t tonight. Something came up.”

  Oh. What would come up right now? She probably just doesn’t want to see me. I can’t blame her. I said mean things, things I can’t take back because they were true. She did embarrass me. But I can apologize at least, if she’ll just let me.

  I climb the dirty steps up to Ally’s floor. My footsteps echo in the quiet night, and the cement walls are eerily semi-lit by moonlight.

  Ally’s door is on the right, and I check my phone once more before knocking. I shouldn’t be here this late. I should have stayed with Emily and tried to see what Ally sees about her being right for me. I should be home doing class work, helping my dad with ideas for class on Monday. But I just…I’m here.

  I shove the phone back into my pocket and knock on her door. Maybe she’s asleep, but I doubt it. Voices inside. Maybe the TV is on. Sounds like a guy. My heart is doing a weird, sinking thing in my chest, and I rub it. Someone’s close to the door, I can hear the deadlock pulled back, and I suddenly want to turn and run.

  Ally pokes her head through the crack in the door. I can’t see around her. I slam my hands in my pockets.

  “You didn’t answer my text.”

  “Oh,” she says. She bites her lip and looks behind her, then back to me. “Sorry Ryan, I’m a bit busy.”

  “Can you talk for just a second?”

  She sighs and pushes through the door like she needs to keep it as closed as possible, like she’s trying to hide something from me. She sits against the wall by the door and I join her.

  “Is someone there?”

  She blinks, and presses her full lips together. I came here to kiss her senseless, but it’s hard when I feel like she’s hiding something from me.

  “You can tell me Ally. We’re friends, right?”

  She folds her arms and rests her chin on her arms. “I can’t. You’ll think I’m stupid. I can’t tell you.”

  “I won’t think you’re stupid.”

  “You will. Anyway, we can talk for a minute. What did you want?”

  Her face is pretty, her skin pearlescent in the moonlight. I slip my hand to the back of her head and pull her towards me. She lets me pull, closes her eyes and tilts her head up to mine. I put my lips over hers, nice and slow, until I settle against her and she sighs.

  I rub my finger over the nape of her neck and she arches slightly against me. Her hair is soft, and her neck is slender. I tilt her head back and kiss the base of her ear, work my way up to the shell of her ear, and get rewarded with a small sigh. Her hand finds my belt loop and she pulls me closer. I move down to her neck, and she
shivers a little, puts her other hand on my bicep and tries to pull me even closer. I keep my distance. I like where I’m at, being able to pull back and see her face turned back in ecstasy, her lips parting slightly as I run my hands over her shoulders and down to her hands and kiss along her collarbone.

  I can’t believe we’re doing this outside in a stairwell.

  I can’t believe she’s letting me. Just earlier today she was ready to hitchhike to get away from me, and now she’s melting in my arms.

  She moves her hands to my back, and digs her hands in to my shirt. She feels small against me, and it makes me feel powerful and strong.

  I just want to show her how much I care.

  I like being gentle, and I’m surprised she’s allowing it. Our previous physical encounters have been so hard. I can’t believe I’m seeing her soft side.

  “Ryan,” she says, pulling back, brushing hair out of my face. Her touch is electric against my cheek.

  She’s my best friend now, the girl I’ve been crazy about since she moved here, and she’s in my arms. It’s unreal.

  I know at twenty I’m supposed to be experienced, supposed to be hardened and sexual, but I’m not. I’m just not. I only know I care about her, and maybe I’m the type who only cares about one woman. Maybe there’s only one woman in the whole world for me.

  “Yeah?” I ask.

  “Ryan, we shouldn’t.” She leans forward again, placing her ear near my mouth and I take the invitation to take her earlobe in my mouth, between my teeth to gently pull on it. She gasps. “We shouldn’t.”

  But she keeps her ear there for a moment, then leans her head back so I can reach her neck again. I kiss her there again and again, finding the spots that make her move against me, almost as if she can’t control it. Seeing her happy, seeing her pleased, it’s almost too much happiness for me to stand.

  “I don’t even know why that feels so good,” she says, running a hand through my hair and holding my head. “It shouldn’t feel so good. So effing gentle. Why do you have to do everything your own way?”

  “I don’t know,” I say. “I just do.”