Hard Hit: IceCats series

by Toni Aleo

  I shrug. “I don’t know if I am or why. But I wasn’t trying to trap you—swear.”

  She grins, her eyes bright with playfulness. “You do already have enough baby mama drama, Kirby.”

  I scoff, kissing her nose. “You’d never be just a baby mama, Jaylin. I knock you up, it’s because we want it.” I move my lips along the side of her nose, along her cheek, before kissing the side of her mouth. “Do you want kids?”

  She kisses me softly, threading her fingers through my hair. “I do. Do you want more?”

  I nod. “I do. I want a big family.”

  She smiles. “Really?”

  “Yeah, I was an only child, and it was lonely.”

  “Right? So lonely. And the pressure is insane! Like, why couldn’t my parents have had more so they could be the fuckups and I could live my life?”

  I laugh. “At least you have parents who wanted something for you.”

  “I’m sorry. I don’t want you to think I’m gloating about having really overprotective and extremely intrusive parents.”

  “I bet they’re amazing,” I say, and she scoffs.

  “Oh, you just wait. My mom is insane.”

  “To have raised a daughter like you, she has to be astonishing.”

  She gives me a look. “You’ll see tonight.”

  “I will,” I say, kissing her lips. “How many kids do you want?”

  “As many as the good Lord will give me.”

  I smile. “Same. And an IUD is removable, right?”

  “Are you saying you want to have kids with me, Mr. Litman?”

  I cup her face. “That’s the plan.”

  “Is it now?”

  “Absolutely.” She beams, but I’m not sure she believes me. “You know it’s true, right?”

  “I mean, I hear your words, but I can’t fathom it. I planned that I’d get the IUD out before my wedding, assuming I ever decided to start a relationship with someone. But it’s always just been a dream. I never thought anyone would want me.”

  “It’s not a dream anymore, Jaylin. It’s real. This is real.”

  Her eyes are dark as she kisses me once more. I can see the wheels in her brain turning. I don’t know what she is thinking, but before I can ask, she says confidently, “It is. It really is, Kirby.”

  Relief floods me as I gather her in my arms, holding her close before I roll us onto our sides. She throws her leg over my hip so she’s closer, and our lips meet once more in a heated embrace. I have never felt like this in my life, and I’d really thought Lilly was my forever. Shit, she is nothing compared to Jaylin. No one is.

  I stroke my fingers along her jaw, her chin, and then I press my nose into hers. “Isn’t this awesome? Waking up like this?”

  Something flashes in her eyes as she swallows hard. Gone is her confidence as she whispers, “It is.”

  “What’s wrong?”

  She leans into me, running her nose along mine. “I’m okay with staying in a hotel, but I know you think that since this was a success, I’ll stay with you. It’s not that, Kirby. It’s very different, and I’m worried I’m about to disappoint you. But the truth is, I don’t know how to let go and stay.”

  “Just like we did here,” I say slowly, searching her eyes. “I mean, shit, Jay. This went so well, I am ten seconds from asking you to live with me and Celeste.”

  Her eyes widen as she moves back, sitting up. “Whoa, that’s out of left field, don’t you think?”

  “Not at all.” I sit up. “Did you not like sleeping with me?”

  She holds up her palms to me. “It’s not that, Kirby—”

  “Did I snore?”

  “No—”

  “Did I touch you inappropriately?”

  “Yes, but I wanted it.”

  I know she’s trying to lighten the mood, but I don’t think we can move forward if we don’t fix this. “You can do this.”

  “I promise. I loved sleeping with you, mostly because I love being with you. But I’ve never stayed with a man in his house, nor have I lived with one. That’s way more than I’m capable of.”

  I sit up straighter, flabbergasted. “That’s bullshit. You are capable of anything you want. Do you not want to stay with me?”

  Her eyes narrow. “Kirby, baby, it’s not that at all. You have to believe and trust me on this. I’m trying to work—”

  “I don’t think you’re trying. If this was easy, then staying with me should be the same. I’m not going to hurt you, nor allow anyone to hurt you when I am with you.”

  “I know,” she says sadly as she gets off the bed. “I’m sorry. I know this is frustrating.”

  I watch her for a moment as I choose my words. As she puts on her bra, I say, “It is, because I can’t raise kids with you when you’re in one house and I’m in another.”

  She looks over at me as she fastens the back, nodding. “That’s foolish. That won’t happen.”

  I shrug. “I mean, I know I always jump to the worst possible outcome, but damn if it doesn’t feel as if it’ll be like that. Is there an anticipated date for you wanting to sleep at my house with me? Can you explain it to me? Do you want me to buy you a house so we can make it ours? Will that help?”

  I see the tears swirling in her eyes. “I don’t know. It’s complicated.”

  “Do you think I’ll hurt you? That I’ll rape you? Or allow anyone else to?”

  “Fucking hell. No, Kirby!”

  “Then what is it?”

  “I don’t know. The control of it? Like, I’m letting myself be vulnerable. It scares me.”

  “How can you be vulnerable if I’m there to protect you?” I demand as I get out of the bed. “It makes absolutely no sense. Don’t you trust me?”

  “I do. I so do. I don’t know what to say to you,” she says as a tear slowly trails down her cheek.

  “We’re supposed to be vulnerable with each other. That’s how we grow together,” I implore, but I can tell she is done.

  “Can we put this on the shelf for right now? I have a packed day and then dinner with my parents, and I’m already overwhelmed. Please?”

  I move to her, wiping her face free of the tears. “Yes, that’s fine. But Jaylin, I need you to realize you’re safe with me. You can be vulnerable because I’ll take care of you. I know that’s not something you’re used to or even know how to do. But believe me, when you do figure it out, I’ll be there, ’cause I’m not letting you go.”

  Her hands fall from the band of her bra to her sides as she sighs, leaning into me, wariness swimming in the depths of her eyes. “I hope you don’t.”

  “I won’t. I’m too stubborn, and I believe in us,” I promise her. “I want this. I want you. But Jay, you got to want this too for it to work.”

  “I do.”

  I kiss her nose. “I don’t know if you truly do.”

  She gazes up at me as silence surrounds us. I kiss her nose again, then her mouth, and then head toward the bathroom.

  Neither of us says anything, sending my anxiety into overload.

  Chapter Twenty-Eight

  Jaylin

  * * *

  Carefully, because I’m not trying to bruise my forehead or damage the baby’s crib, I slam my forehead against the rail of the crib. I can’t believe I am helping put together Aviva’s baby crib, but here I am. My best friend is pregnant, almost a new mom, and I get to help with the nursery in her lavish new house. It’s five bedrooms since Nico wants three kids, and, of course, Callie will always have a room. It’s a beautiful home, in the ritzy part of town, and is walking distance to the sub shop, not that Aviva walks. She grew up poor, so living like this is a shock, I’m sure.

  Every excuse she came up with, Nico was there to reassure her. She didn’t want a big house, said there would be too much to clean, so Nico hired a maid service. She said she wanted Callie to always have a place, so he made sure there was a room big enough for a young adult to feel like she had her own space. She wanted a yard for her baby to play in,
so Nico bought out the empty lot behind their house and gated it.

  Everything she used as an excuse, he fulfilled that request and more. She told me he said, “I want you to want for nothing and to have everything.” It was extremely sweet, and I couldn’t be happier for them. She deserves Nico; he’s a saint.

  And I finally have the same…if I don’t lose him.

  Even with her huge belly, waddling everywhere, Aviva moves like it’s nothing. She works forty hours a week and doesn’t bat an eye. Even with Nico complaining for her to hire more staff, she won’t. I think it’s in her blood; she cannot just sit still and do nothing. She has to be in motion. She has painted the house, decorated it—with some help from her friend Amelia’s mom, but she’s done most of the work. Like the nursery. She went with a muted tropical theme. Instead of bright colors, it’s soft, neutral ones. On the wall where the crib will go are light-blue waves over which they’ll paint the baby’s name once they know what it is. She has wooden palm trees, surfboards, and more beach-themed stuff everywhere. There are fish plushies, and of course, Daddy’s jersey is hanging on the wall. It’s adorable, and I am completely in awe of her, even while I am battling my own demons.

  “He’s going to kick me to the curb,” I complain, and she rolls her eyes. “Honestly, Veev. I went to sleep like it was nothing because hotels don’t give me the creeps. It’s not the bed. It’s staying in a man’s place. I can’t explain it,” I sigh, and she gazes up at me through her lashes as she screws the base of the crib together. “I don’t want to lose him, but I don’t know how to throw caution to the wind and sleep there.”

  She raises her brow and shakes her head. “I’m with him. I don’t get it either.”

  That’s because you don’t know the whole story. Kirby does, and even he doesn’t get it. Fucking hell, what am I doing? “He says he doesn’t think I want this, him and everything. But I do. Veev, I do. I want it so bad.”

  She nods. “I know. I can tell. I’ve never seen you like this. But Jay, can you blame him? He wants to move forward, and you’ve dug your heels in the sand, not budging.”

  “I don’t, though. I am moving forward with him, except on this.”

  “What did you think was going to happen?” she asks as she grabs the first rail from me. “He got a hotel room, and it went great. He has every reason to expect more.”

  I gawk at her. “I know. He said he wanted to live together!”

  She laughs, grinning from ear to ear.

  “That not’s funny.”

  “Oh, it is. He is all in, Jay. He loves you.”

  I hate that tears are burning my eyes. “I am well aware of that. And why couldn’t he just say that? I was down for that.”

  She cocks her head. “Is that right? You love him?”

  I take a deep breath, and then I nod definitively. “I do. A lot.”

  A wide grin moves over her lips. “That’s wonderful, Jay. But like he said, are you guys going to get married and live in two houses? The whole point of finding someone to spend your life with is to do just that, spend that life with them. Together. In the same place. What do you want here?”

  “I want him!”

  “Okay. Then prove it to not only him, but yourself.”

  My shoulders droop, and I know she’s right. I know what I’m saying is true; I feel it deep inside me. I want to move forward, and I want to be with him and Celeste all the time, but the very idea of it scares me. But how can it when it’s what I want? Why is this so hard for me? Why am I allowing this fear to defeat me?

  Damn it.

  When my phone sounds with Kirby’s tone, I reach for it on the floor and hit speaker. “Hey, babe. You done with practice?”

  “Yeah. I got a shower and met Jean at the house to grab Celeste. Want me to head to you to pick you up?”

  “I’m actually at Aviva’s.”

  “Oh. I thought you had work?”

  “I got done early,” I say, feeling guilty. “I should have called. I could have grabbed Celeste for you, but Aviva wanted help with the crib.”

  “No worries. I was being nosy.”

  “It’s not nosy at all. You have every right to know what I’m doing.”

  “Jaylin,” he says sternly.

  “Yeah?”

  “Cut it out. It’s okay, what happened this morning. I’m not upset. You don’t have to kiss my ass.”

  I press my lips together, and Aviva grins at me. “I know.”

  “Okay. I’ll pick you up in ten.”

  “See you then.”

  I hang up, and when I glance at her, Aviva is still grinning at me like she just ate the best piece of cake the world could provide. “Man, he’s got you all figured out.”

  I exhale hard. “Given that I provided him everything he needs to have me figured out, he should. I just didn’t think it would happen this fast.”

  Her face is blissful. “When it’s right, it’s right. Might need to make that appointment to get that IUD out.”

  When she winks at me, I glare. “Shut your face.”

  She laughs, enjoying this entirely too much. “You watch. As soon as you sleep over, he’ll have a ring on your finger and a baby in your belly.”

  The fear of that starts to suffocate me, but then I find happiness easing it instead.

  Leaving me completely and utterly confused.

  If I wasn’t worried about the status of my relationship before arriving at my parents’, I am terrified at this point. Beneath the table, my knee bounces like it’s the tempo for some crazy electronic dance song. My heart matches its cadence, and I’m waiting for something to go wrong here. Across the table from Kirby and me, my parents sit with their shoulders back, very intimidating, as we eat the fantastic dinner my dad put together for us. My favorite—potato salad with smoked ribs and corn. When he would go on long work trips, he’d always make this for me after he came home. Every big event in my life, this was my celebratory meal. When I beat cancer, we ate it for a week straight. No one ever got sick of it; we were just happy I was cancer-free.

  The joy was in abundance, but now, I don’t know if there is any joy to be found.

  I’m too nervous.

  My dad hasn’t really spoken to Kirby, and my mom is grilling him. Meanwhile, Celeste sits between us in her little portable high chair, happy as a clam as she sucks on a rib bone. I have one eye on her since I don’t want her choking, and so do Kirby and my mom. We’re all helicopter parents in here.

  Shit…did I just call myself a parent?

  What am I doing?

  Before my leg can bounce a hole in the floor, Kirby’s hand comes to still it, and our eyes meet. His eyes are so kind, so sweet, and I know he’s telling me to calm down. That everything is fine. But I know my parents. I know how they are, and this can’t be anything like fine. Someone is going to piss someone off.

  More than likely, it’ll be me pissing off my mom.

  “Did you finish college, Kirby?”

  “I did,” he says, spooning some smashed-up potato salad in Celeste’s mouth. “University of Michigan with a three point four.”

  “Impressive,” she says, and I nod.

  “Especially when he was working full time at the rink and playing full-time hockey,” I add, and I feel Kirby grinning at me. I may be laying it on thick, but he is pretty remarkable.

  “Working full time? Didn’t you have an athletic scholarship?” my dad asks, and I shouldn’t have said anything.

  “I did, and I don’t know if Jaylin told you, but I never really knew my dad. He was a drunk, and that killed him. And then my mom got a new family and dropped me. I haven’t spoken to her in years. I don’t even know if she knows about Celeste. Because of that, I had to support myself, and when the dorms closed for holidays or the summer, if I couldn’t go home with friends or teammates, I had to stay in a hotel. So, I was always saving money.”

  Fucking hell, I didn’t know that.

  My dad seems impressed as Kirby holds his attention. “Tha
t’s very inspiring.”

  Kirby shrugs, modest. “I had no choice. I had to survive. I had to reach my goals.”

  “Still, that’s amazing. Unfortunate you had to do it alone,” my mom adds. “But I believe it has only made you stronger. Even though I only found out about you because your gorgeous daughter was in the back seat when Jaylin picked me up. She doesn’t tell me much. Though, she did tell me how you are raising Celeste all by yourself.”

  Kirby flashes her a showstopping grin. Unlike me, my mom doesn’t swoon much. “Yeah. That was a kick in the gut for sure, but there was no real option other than to give her all the love of a dad and a mom. There is absolutely no way I would abandon her like I was abandoned. That pain takes years of therapy to ease.”

  I reach out, squeezing his hand, and he sends me a wink. He’s so confident, so gorgeous, and good lord, I love him. “I, for one, am completely impressed by and proud of you.”

  “That’s because you like me.” He leans over, pressing his lips to mine.

  I grin as we part. “It’s true.”

  Celeste squeals, and we both grin at her. When I look back over at my parents, my mom is visibly taken aback, while my dad grins like he just scored a hole in one. “So, hockey?”

  “Yup. My whole life.”

  “Isn’t that expensive? Jaylin did cheerleading, and lord, it was expensive,” Mom says, and Kirby nods.

  “Very expensive. At first, I wore and played with a lot of used equipment, but then my rink started this awesome program that was designed for low-income kids. It was a lifesaver, and with the right equipment, I was able to advance. I actually donate ten percent of my salary every year to the program since it helped me so much.”

  “Really? That’s so sweet,” I gush as our eyes meet. “Let me know, and I’ll donate when you do. I’ll match your donation,” I say with a wink, and he grins.

  “That would be incredible. Thank you.”

  “Absolutely. I have no clue what happens in hockey, but it seems to be cool.”

  He laughs, as do my parents. “She’s actually going to her first game next week with Celeste and my nanny. Would you two like to come? I can get more tickets.”