Time Will Tell

by M. Ullrich

  “I don’t know yet—”

  “I haven’t seen or heard from you in six years,” Casey said, stopping any half-hearted excuses. “Six years I wondered if my best friend cared about me the same way I cared about her, was even my best friend at all, or if she was dead.” Casey sucked in air to calm her racing heart. Dueling emotions of resentment and relief rose in her throat. Casey’s chin began to quiver against her will. “And now you’re right in front of me, scrambling to figure out the best way to tell me it’s only temporary.”

  “Casey, I don’t know what to tell you yet.”

  “I’m trying so hard to see past my anger.” Casey blinked away heavy tears. “I’ve been so mad at you, I started to hate you after a while.” Eva closed her eyes, and Casey briefly regretted her words and the way they’d hurt Eva. But shouldn’t she feel better knowing she could finally hurt her back? She didn’t find satisfaction in revenge. “That hate faded after a while, and then I just lived every day with an aching gap inside.” Casey started to reach for Eva’s hand but thought better of it and pulled back. “Every day, Eva,” she said in a broken whisper. “Every day I checked the obituaries for your name.”

  “I’m sorry.”

  “That doesn’t cut it.” Casey’s voice grew stronger as the flames of her anger were fanned. “‘Sorry’ doesn’t fix things. An apology doesn’t change the past or put you in front of me during all the times I needed you most.”

  “Don’t you think I needed you, too?”

  “You knew where to find me. You knew of at least four phone numbers to call, and I’d be there. You had the choice to reach out, but you never did.”

  “I couldn’t.”

  “You wouldn’t. There’s a big difference.” A heavy silence fell, and Casey rubbed at her forehead in frustration. The push and pull against her skin felt therapeutic. Casey stared off into the corner where dented cardboard boxes were stacked. She had imagined this reunion every day for six years, and other than the fantasies of running into one another’s arms and never letting go, this was the only realistic outcome she had expected. “I should go.”

  “I was too scared.” Eva’s quiet words kept Casey in her place. “I was afraid that if I talked to you or anyone, he’d find me somehow, or worse…go after you.” The way Eva scratched at her forearm caught Casey’s attention. The aggravated, red, circular welt sat near the inside of her elbow. The scar was old, but Eva’s attention raised and irritated the skin. Casey swallowed back her questions and let Eva talk. “I let my fear of him keep me away. I know how pathetic that is, but you don’t know what he would’ve done.”

  “I don’t know because you’d never talk about him,” Casey said, reaching out for Eva’s arm. She soothed the skin with the pad of her thumb. “I know he did this to you. You never told me what happened. Will you ever tell me?”

  Eva pulled her arm back. “I should’ve talked to you, and I should’ve called. I’m sorry.”

  Casey knew all about Eva’s way of closing off. Her face would harden noticeably, and she’d feign a cool demeanor. And as Casey watched these changes shift across her friend’s face, she saw all the ways Eva’s appearance had changed.

  Twenty-three and fuller than when she disappeared, Eva’s brown eyes seemed clearer now, her hair was smooth and styled, and a few wrinkles now creased her once-smooth skin. Casey saw a road map of years without her, years of experiences she wasn’t privy to. Years of hardships that drew Eva’s expressive face into a blank stare.

  “Where have you been?” Casey dared to ask. She knew pushing Eva could lead to a total shut-out, but your best friend doesn’t get to reappear without at least a few answers.

  “I went to New York,” Eva said easily, surprising Casey. “A city with over eight million people seemed like the best place to hide.”

  “How did you…”

  “Survive?” Eva laughed bitterly. “When I got there I had a few belongings and my phone. That was the first thing I sold. And then a really nice older woman, Betty, hooked me up with a small room in the back of the diner she ran. I worked, and she didn’t charge me to stay there.”

  “That was really kind of her.”

  “She was an angel, I’m sure of it.” A faraway look eclipsed Eva’s face. “In an instant, she was like a mother figure. I cried on her shoulder about you one night. It was almost your birthday and the first Christmas I’d be away, and I was having the worst day. Catastrophic. I dropped plates and knocked over water glasses left and right. Betty pulled me into the back and tore into me until I told her what was wrong.” Eva played with a small hole in the couch’s upholstery.

  “What did you tell her?”

  “That I was missing my best friend.” Eva wiped a tear from her chin. “She told me to call you, and I got as far as picking up the phone, but I couldn’t dial. I wasn’t just afraid of him finding me then. I was afraid of hearing how mad you were or worse,” Eva said and swallowed. “What if you were okay without me?”

  Casey stared in disbelief. The whole time Eva was gone, Casey was far from okay, but Casey couldn’t begin to put words to how far from okay she was those first few years. “I wasn’t—”

  “So I worked at the diner until this guy Maxim, Max for short, came in and told me about a modeling agency he ran.”

  “You modeled?”

  “Don’t sound so surprised,” Eva said with a coy smile.

  “I’m not surprised by you as a model, but I am surprised by the circumstances. A strange guy at a diner in New York City?”

  “Betty wasn’t too keen on the idea either, but Max offered me another place to stay and good pay. Working in the diner kept me on my feet, but if I wanted a life of my own eventually, I needed more.”

  “Did you find what you were looking for?”

  “Max was kind and generous, and I met a lot of great people.” Casey sensed a fondness in Eva’s voice as she spoke of Max.

  “Were you and Max…” Casey let the implication fall between them. She couldn’t stop herself from asking, no matter how much her conscience tried to stop her.

  “We had a unique relationship.” Eva’s answer settled awkwardly and Casey started to shift around on the sofa. “Look, I’m not proud of some of the things I’ve done, but my time with Max was good for me.”

  “I’m not judging you.” Her voice came out like a bark.

  “You’re looking at me differently.”

  “Because I don’t know you!” Casey was taken aback by her own outburst. She took a calming breath. “The last time I saw you, you were seventeen and tan and smiling so brightly because of a night we spent together. That Eva is who I held on to every night. Now you’re in front of me, and you’re your own person who has lived a whole life without me. This is a lot to wrap my head around.”

  “You lived a life without me, too.”

  Casey wanted to tell Eva she was wrong. She couldn’t even try for a normal life for three years after Eva left. And that hadn’t come easily. But she bit her tongue and forced a nod instead. “I guess you’re right.”

  “How have you been? I mean, what have you been up to?”

  Casey chose her words carefully. “I’m still in school.”

  “Casey, that’s great!” Eva’s face lit up. “I knew you were going to be a doctor. Are you still aiming to be psychologist?”

  “Yes.” Casey wasn’t lying. She was pursuing her bachelor’s in psychology, but she didn’t have to be specific. She wanted to save the story of her own past for when she knew Eva’s plans for the future. Casey needed stability in their friendship before she could trust Eva again.

  “Dr. Casey McClellan,” Eva mused aloud. “Has a nice ring to it.”

  “Sure does.” Casey’s chuckle was hollow. Eva used to be distracted by compliments, and Casey hoped it still worked. “You really look wonderful, just as beautiful as I remember.”

  “I’m a mess today after staying up late cleaning. If you think this place is a disaster today, you should’ve seen it ye
sterday. I practically needed to chisel the dust off everything in this room.” Eva made a show of cringing and wiping clumps of dust from her sweatpants. “I should clean myself up. Do you want to stay for dinner?”

  Casey looked at the grandfather clock against the wall and realized it was already after six. “I, uh,” Casey stuttered. She wanted to say yes, but the emotions of the day had left her exhausted. “I should spend some time at home. I kind of just dropped my bags off and came here.”

  “Of course.”

  “You’re welcome to come with me.” Casey’s invitation was more out of habit than manners. Even after six years, she expected to share her family dinner table with Eva.

  Eva seemed to consider the offer for a minute before declining. “Seeing you was a surprise.” Eva squinted as she looked out the window, like her next words were waiting for her outside. “I don’t think I’m ready to see your parents, too.”

  “I get it.” Eva walked Casey to the front door. “I’ll see you tomorrow.” Casey hugged Eva for the second time that day, and it felt better. She had to force herself to let go.

  When she stepped out into the fresh air, Casey filled her lungs and let herself savor the new ease that accompanied her breathing. A piece of her life was back in place. That felt good. Casey crossed over to her own property and paused before she opened her door. One thought shook her: What if Eva was gone again in the morning? She raced back to Eva’s front door and pounded her fist against it.

  Eva’s face twisted in confusion when she opened the door.

  “You will be here in the morning, right?” Casey said breathlessly.

  Eva looked ashamed before she smiled. “I won’t disappear on you again. I promise.”

  Casey turned and started to walk away with less tension in her shoulders.

  “And Casey?” Eva called out before she made it off the lawn. “You look really great, too.”

  With one compliment, Casey felt like she was in high school again. She could barely get words past a fit of giggles. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

  Casey trotted back to her house and nearly jumped when she entered the kitchen to find her mother sitting silently at the table. “Mom?”

  “Hi, honey. I was just waiting for you to get back.” Patricia stood and started to collect ingredients for dinner. “I was going to make tacos, but I realized we don’t have tortillas. How do you feel about spaghetti Bolognese instead?”

  “That’s fine,” Casey said. “You sat here the whole time I was next door?”

  “Yes. Well, no. I was keeping an eye on things from the window.”

  “Mom! You were spying on me?”

  “I wouldn’t call it spying. I was worried and curious, and watching made me feel better.” Patricia’s meek defense did little to calm Casey’s irritation.

  “What were you so worried about?” Casey tried to pin her mother in place with eye contact, but Patricia continued to shuffle about. “It’s just Eva.”

  “That’s what worries me,” Patricia said into the open refrigerator.

  “What?”

  “You are doing so well.” Patricia looked at her daughter with an expression Casey had never seen before. Her face was shadowed with equal parts fear and resignation. “It took so long to get you to this point, and I’m afraid that things will go back to the way they were when she left.”

  Casey was astounded by her mother’s negative outlook. She wanted to snap at her and tell her all the ways she was wrong, but she stopped herself because she had no way of proving she wasn’t. All Casey could do was convince her mother to have faith, the kind of blind faith she was counting on.

  “It’ll be okay.”

  “How is she?” Patricia said as she went about starting dinner. “Jim and I want to pay her a visit soon, but we want to make sure she’s settled first.”

  “She looks great, healthier, like she’s done really well for herself.” Casey thought back to their tense conversation and the way carried herself. “She’s more confident, too.”

  “Where has she been?”

  “New York. She was a model.”

  “I could see it. She was such a striking young woman, even when she hid behind baggy clothes and tamed that wild hair of hers with a silly hat.” Casey and her mother shared a laugh. “Is she going back to the city?”

  “She doesn’t know. There’s a lot for her to take care of here, so I don’t think she’s managed to plan that far ahead yet.”

  “And what are your plans?” Patricia said innocently as she stirred simmering tomatoes. But Casey read between the lines.

  “I’m going back to school Sunday afternoon.”

  “I meant, what are your plans with Eva?”

  “I don’t know,” Casey said, her words weighted with fatigue. “I’m still so mad at her. She wanted me to stay for dinner, but I needed to get out of there.”

  “You have every right to be mad, but don’t let anger over your past weigh down your possibility of a happy future. As worried as I am, that’s all I could want for you.”

  Casey mulled over her mother’s advice.

  “And cut this onion while you’re sitting there.”

  “Yes, ma’am.” Casey got to work cutting through the onion as well as the bullshit of her inner turmoil.

  Chapter Ten

  The Casey that stood on Eva’s doorstep the following morning was a stark contrast to the Casey from the night before, but just as radiant. Eva’s mouth nearly hit the ground when Casey greeted her with a cheery good morning and a broad smile. She held a bag of groceries, wore cut-off jean shorts, and weakened Eva’s knees just like she did six years ago.

  “Good morning?”

  “Good morning,” Casey said. “Did you eat yet?”

  “It’s barely nine.” Eva wiped at her eyes before folding her arms over her chest. She was wearing the tank top she slept in, but thankfully she’d put on pants before opening the door. Not wearing a bra was one thing, but flashing the neighborhood your panties was rarely acceptable anywhere.

  “I was hoping you were still a late riser. I brought stuff for breakfast.” Casey talked as she walked to the kitchen. Eva followed wordlessly while still trying to shake the sleep from her body. “I’ve mastered my mother’s blueberry pancake recipe.”

  “Say no more.”

  Eva hurried to help Casey unpack the groceries and search for pans to cook in. She grabbed a large skillet from a lower shelf, and after a quick washing, used it to prepare a large meal of pancakes, bacon, and eggs, the customary Saturday breakfast in the McClellan home. Eva waited until they were seated at the table together to strike up a conversation, starting with an attempt to satisfy her curiosity.

  “So, Casey,” she said between bites of pancakes, “you seem happier today.”

  “I did a lot of thinking last night.”

  “About?”

  “About you. You being back. You and me,” Casey said while waving her fork about. “I came to the realization that I have two ways of looking at things. I can either be mad at you or be happy that you’re here. I can’t fix the past or get those years back, so the answer seemed obvious.”

  “It did?”

  “Yes. I’m choosing to be happy you’re back in my life, even if you’re living in the city.” Casey filled her mouth with an obscenely large bite of pancake and looked thoughtful. Eva’s heart beat faster at the adorable sight. The effect Casey had on her after six years apart would’ve alarmed her if it didn’t feel so good. “Plus,” she said after swallowing, “holding on to anger is bad for your health.”

  “Seems like sound reasoning to me.”

  “I don’t forgive you completely, not yet, but I’m getting there.”

  “Thank you.” Eva reached across the small kitchen table to hold Casey’s hand. She was amazed Casey was willing to forgive her. “I am so sorry, Casey.” Eva’s voice shook with an impending sob. “I’m so sorry for everything. I’m sorry I left and didn’t call.” Her sobs rushed from deep within her
chest, straining her throat. Eva let her head fall onto her forearm, but never let go of Casey’s hand. “I missed you so much.”

  “Shh…” Casey stood and rested Eva’s head against her chest as she hugged her. “We’re here now, and that’s all that matters.”

  Eva’s sobbing subsided as she focused on Casey’s heartbeat and the physical presence of her in her arms. Casey raked her fingers through Eva’s hair, scratching her scalp every so often, and Eva pressed herself even harder into Casey. She held back a moan. Eva turned in her seat and spread her legs, wanting to pull Casey closer, but as soon as she realized what she was doing, she sat back. Having Casey close after all of this time was messing with her judgment. She needed to repair their friendship, and this was not the way.

  She pushed back and cleared her aching throat. “Thank you for breakfast.”

  “My pleasure. If you’re up for some company, I was thinking I could help you clean this place up and maybe make some decorating suggestions?” Casey’s smile was so sweet, it almost hid the disgust on her face when se she looked around.

  “That sounds great. I don’t plan on any big renovations yet because I don’t know if I’m keeping the house.”

  “Why not?”

  “I don’t know if I can live here after everything that’s happened.” Eva shook her head, trying to keep visuals at bay. She still had nightmares, and those were bad enough.

  “You need to do what’s best for you, but keeping the house could actually help you cope with and move on from the pain your uncle caused.”

  “How so?”

  “If you make this house your own, you’ll take away the power it has over you. You’ll be in control.”

  Casey’s suggestion made sense after her initial apprehension wore off. “I think that psychology degree is already starting to pay off.”

  “I don’t know about that,” Casey said, turning her back to Eva. “Where should we start? Here?”

  “I really need to get into the basement,” Eva said, “but the door’s locked. Hopefully there’s a key in one of these other rooms. Let’s start with my bedroom.”