Time Will Tell

by M. Ullrich

  Casey wiped her watery eyes. “Saturday was the show, which was amazing, and then we went to an after-party her boss threw. Suddenly, I’m surrounded by all of these people who were like a family for Eva for the past six years. She had these friends and people who cared for her, people she must’ve loved at one time or still loves.” Casey thought of the way Max held Eva close with his arm around her, and the way Sara acted so possessively. “She had a room full of friends. It’s like we switched roles and our differences became so apparent to me in that moment, I couldn’t breathe. I had to leave.”

  “You just left?”

  “No, of course not. I stepped out for air, and when Eva came out to find me, I told her I wanted to leave. She was pretty tipsy, and when we got home, she continued to drink. For the first time since Eva’s been back, I thought about my own well-being and I doubted my decision to jump into a relationship with her so quickly. I doubted who she was.”

  “You ended things?”

  “I told her I thought it’d be best if we took a step back. She flew off the handle and kicked me out,” Casey said sadly, but with a bite of anger.

  “Casey,” Lizzy said her name while scratching at her head. “You said you love my honesty, so I’m not about to sugarcoat myself now. Why are you trying to call her? You told me a whole story, but all I heard is that she mistreats you.”

  Casey sat up and shook her head.

  “Please enlighten me.”

  “Deep down, I know we can work. We’re meant to be together.”

  “I think you can do better.”

  Even though Lizzy’s brow was creased with heavy concern, Casey smiled at her. “Beneath the surface, under the bullshit that’s built up, on a soul level, Eva is the love of my life. I’ve known this since high school and I still feel the same way.”

  “People change, Casey.”

  “No, they don’t. Your likes and dislikes, the superficial bits that make up our personalities may evolve over time, but our core selves remain the same. I knew and loved Eva before life had beaten her down, before the bottle offered an escape, when she shared unlimited dreams with me. That Eva still exists. That’s the Eva who held me Friday night.” Casey took a deep breath and released it slowly. “I think with time and open communication, that’s the Eva I’ll settle down with and love until my dying day.”

  Lizzy sighed. “Wow, are you sure you want to waste your time on psychology? Because that sounded like some creative writing, renaissance romance shit.”

  Casey laughed and wiped a tear from her cheek. “I’ll stick to the sciences. Eva was actually quite the writer in high school, so maybe she rubbed off on me.”

  “I bet she did,” Lizzy said with a wink. “And if I know anything about you, she did more than once.”

  Casey launched a pillow at her roommate’s face.

  “Ow!”

  “You deserve it for being a pig.” Casey and Lizzy’s laughter died down and she grew serious once more. “What do I do now?”

  “You have two choices. Show up at her house and demand she talk to you, or write her a letter.”

  “Write her a letter?”

  “Yes, write her a letter. What you just said to me was lovey-dovey and gross, but so perfect. Do you think you’d be able to speak openly and honestly if you’re face-to-face and she can interrupt you?” Lizzy didn’t wait for Casey to answer. “No, nobody ever gets to say everything they’re feeling because humans are annoying and always want to interrupt one another or have the last word. Write it down, pour your heart out onto a piece of paper, and give her an ultimatum, dammit.”

  “Ultimatums are awful,” Casey said with wide eyes.

  “Yeah well, how she’s treating you now isn’t exactly precious and deserving of your kindness.” Lizzy had a point, and that made Casey fall back onto her bed. “I’ll leave you to it, but no more missing class. Got it?” Lizzy made her way from the room.

  “Yes, Mom.”

  “Let’s not bring Patricia into this because I will call her if I have to.” Lizzy closed the door just as Casey threw another pillow her way.

  Casey looked back out the window. A cloud the shape of an ice cream cone sailed through the air. She could write a letter, even if she wasn’t sure about sending it. Just the act of writing out her feelings would be therapeutic. She went to her desk and pulled a sheet of paper from the drawer. She started by writing Eva’s name, the swirl of her handwriting making the three letters seem more magical. The words started to flow and with each sentence, the next came easier and easier.

  Before Casey knew it, most of the sheet was filled with her hopes and fears as well as the pain she had endured as of late. The letter seemed surprisingly short to Casey. She’d expected pages of her inner thoughts, but what was in her heart boiled down to something much simpler than that. She folded up the sheet and found a blank envelope. Casey addressed the envelope neatly and made herself a promise. If someone she knew had a stamp, she’d send her letter. Lizzy tapped on her door.

  “Yeah?” Casey said while licking the envelope to seal it.

  “I’m heading out for a bite to eat if you want to shower and join. Also,” Lizzy said as she cracked Casey’s door open and sliding just her hand inside. She was holding a small square. “I thought you might need one of these.” Lizzy waved the stamp around.

  Casey looked down at the envelope and said, “I’ll be damned.”

  * * *

  Eva slept late into the afternoon on Monday. The effects of her first time travel were worse than any of Luke’s notes had prepared her for. Her body felt run down, like she had been awake for seventy-two hours with no food or water. Her lips ached because they were so dry, and her head pounded from her brow to the base of her skull where her neck was tight with tension. Eva wondered if time travel was worth this kind of morning after, but a bad hangover had never stopped her from picking up a bottle again.

  She needed water and food, even if her weak limbs and twisted gut warned her against either. Eva walked on unsteady legs toward the kitchen, bouncing off a doorway along the way. She was still dressed in the same tight jeans and shirt from the night before. Breakfast options were slim, so Eva stuck to her trusted go-to of dry toast and a banana. As she nursed her meal, she plotted what to do next.

  Eva felt a rush of excitement and reached into her pocket. Her mother’s business card had survived the trip back through time. She ran her fingers over the raised lettering on the card. Eva had forgotten her mother was a social worker who worked closely with troubled teens and young adults. Rosalie rarely spoke of her work at home, claiming a clear line between the two was essential for her family. Eva could only imagine what her mother was witness to every day at work.

  Did she ever have to deal with kids like Eva? Abused teens that turned into wayward adults? Eva thought of the look Casey gave her as she watched her down drink after drink. Was Rosalie experienced in the treatment of addicts? Eva’s heart twisted with shame. What would you think of me now? How would you tell me to help myself, Mom? Eva wondered. She looked back at the business card and wondered what Rosalie Caldwell would tell a client.

  It occurred to Eva, as she flicked at the bent corner of the business card, that she was no longer limited to wondering what her mother would say. She had the tools to ask Rosalie herself. Eva looked at her mother’s name intensely and imagined for a brief second what it’d be like to go back, to approach her mother as a stranger in need. She’d look into her mother’s eyes without a flicker of recognition and ask one question: How am I supposed to undo the disaster I’ve caused, when all I know is a disastrous life?

  Her uncle’s notes advised her against traveling more than once in succession. The human body wasn’t conditioned for one round of the electrical impulses, never mind continuous, and it would break down particles and matter. But what did Eva care? Physical discomfort was nothing new. Neither was putting her life at risk. Eva got the time machine pieces and spun them around her fingers. She made a decision.
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  That night, Eva would get the motherly advice she had been yearning for.

  Chapter Twenty

  Eva sat on a park bench trying to calm not just her rolling stomach but also her jumpy nerves. She had made several phone calls from a nearby pay phone already to confirm her mother’s schedule for the evening. Pay phones were an unexpected surprise for Eva, though she had to beg strangers for spare change. Rosalie was heading a group session for teens at the community center that evening, and Eva hoped she could still look the part. Her heart still felt like a distressed teenager, but the worn and tired look in her eyes might be too adult to hide.

  She shivered against the cold breeze and hoped they wouldn’t have an early winter. Then she shook her head. She was in the past. Whatever winter was to come had happened already. The day she was living now had happened five years before her birth and two years before her parents’ marriage. Eva chewed at her thumbnail and watched people come and go from the community center. Eva always thought of her local community center fondly. It had served as a beacon for her neighborhood, always hosting an activity to help keep kids out of trouble or elders from feeling lonely. Thinking of her mother having such a tie to it made Eva’s heart swell with pride. The six o’clock church bells rang out. She smiled sadly. She’d hadn’t lived in this town for over a decade but still remembered its every habit.

  With another deep breath, Eva stood and made her way toward the bustling center. She recognized the faces of a priest, her first grade teacher, and the guy who ran the deli three blocks from the high school. No one recognized Eva, but she earned her fair share of welcoming smiles as she wandered the lobby and halls in search of the teen meeting space. Someone tapped her gently on the shoulder.

  “Do you need help finding something?”

  Eva turned to the voice and yelped when she came face-to-face with her mother.

  Rosalie reached out and grabbed Eva’s arm. “Are you okay?”

  Eva watched the contact with wide eyes and let out a small shriek.

  “Should I call someone for you? The police? Your family?”

  “No!” Eva stepped back, embarrassed by her outburst, but her mother was right in front of her. She focused on calming herself rather than staring into Rosalie’s concerned eyes. “I’m fine, I just scare easily.”

  Rosalie watched Eva carefully. “Do I know you? You look familiar to me,” she said, and Eva had to tamp down the panic she felt rising again.

  “I don’t believe so. I’m actually from Marlboro Township, but I heard about a group meeting for teenagers, and I’m interested in that,” Eva said awkwardly. She really should’ve prepared herself better. Note to self: Never time travel on a whim again.

  “I’m the head of that group, but aren’t you a little old?” Rosalie said with a kind smile. Eva knew she was caught, but she also knew her mother. Rosalie wouldn’t turn away anyone in need.

  Eva nodded. “I’ll be twenty in a few weeks,” she said, not feeling guilty for the small lie. “But I’m just not comfortable around adults yet.” Rosalie nodded in understanding. Now that Eva had looked at Rosalie, she wanted to stare at her mother all day but forced herself to look away.

  “Follow me,” Rosalie said, waiting for Eva to step beside her as she walked down the hallway. “You’re not alone, you know? There’s a few older teens in the group that have trust issues when it comes to adults. If you find you’re comfortable here, you can come back as often as you’d like.” Rosalie leaned into Eva slightly and added in a whisper, “I’ll never check your ID.”

  Rosalie’s kindness felt like home to Eva. She didn’t bother with a thank you, following Rosalie to the room that held most group activities in the community center. Nine other teens sat in the room, occupying plastic chairs that formed a circle. Rosalie grabbed an extra chair and worked it into the group.

  Not one person in the room shot more than a sideways glance toward Eva. If she had to guess, each teenager in the room had enough of their own problems to focus on instead of the new girl in the room.

  “Are we ready to get started?” Rosalie said as she took her seat in the circle. She sat about six inches back from everyone else, and Eva assumed she wanted to get a better look at the kids beside her.

  “We’ve been ready. You’re the one who’s late,” a dark-skinned boy said from three seats to her left.

  Rosalie smiled. “I am, and I’m sorry. Would you like to get us started, Ray? Tell us about your week.”

  Eva wanted to watch Rosalie. Seeing was believing, after all. Eva’s next choice was to observe Ray as he spoke, but she couldn’t see him without straining to look around the people seated between them. So she sat quietly, staring at her hands and picking her cuticles nervously.

  “Nothing really happened,” he said with a shrug. “Failed a test, and my teacher called my mom. She was pissed.”

  “Could you have done better on the test?” Rosalie spoke calmly and casually, a tone Eva remembered fondly from her childhood.

  “You too? What is it with adults always assuming that a failed test means the student did something wrong?” Ray’s voice started to rise, but Rosalie seemed unaffected.

  “I’m not accusing you of being in the wrong, Ray. I’m asking a very simple question that I want you to answer honestly. Please try again. Could you have done better on the test? What was the subject?”

  “Geometry. I thought I studied enough, but I guess I didn’t. Last week we had a pop quiz that I failed too, and when I asked the teacher for help, she just gave me extra homework.”

  “Sounds to me like you tried your best. I want you to go home and tell your mom exactly what you just told me.” Rosalie shifted to address the rest of the group as a whole. “It’s hard to be the student your parents want you to be if your teachers aren’t working with you.”

  “Are you saying we fight our teachers?” a freckle-faced girl said from across the circle.

  Rosalie spared a short laugh. “No, of course not, but a good education comes only when students and teachers both put in the hard work. Good students are rewarded and wonderful teachers are revered, rightfully so. But if you’re a bad student, you get reported to the principal and if you’re a bad teacher, you often get away with it. They should be held responsible and reported too.” Eva chortled, thinking of her kindergarten teacher that her mother had fired. Rosalie’s eyes traveled to her. “We have a newcomer this week, folks. Why don’t you introduce yourself?”

  Eva’s mouth went dry. She hadn’t expected to participate. “I’m, uh, Eva.” Eva nearly introduced herself as Lilly, but thought better of hiding behind a false persona any longer.

  “Hi, uh-Eva,” said the girl with freckles.

  “Lucy…” Rosalie warned before looking back to Eva. “That’s one of my favorite names.”

  “Yeah?” Eva laughed nervously. When Rosalie didn’t elaborate, Eva’s nerves caused her to blurt out, “I’m named after Eva Peron.”

  Rosalie’s face lit up. “She’s a hero of mine.”

  “Who’s Eva Peron?” an older boy asked. Everyone in the room was clueless except Rosalie and Eva, who shared a knowing smile. They’ll learn soon enough, Eva thought. Thank God for Madonna.

  “She was an Argentinian politician,” Rosalie said. “But we’re not here to talk about the history of other countries, we’re here to talk about lives. Eva, what brought you here today?”

  “You couldn’t start with an easier question?” Eva’s joke was a hit with those around her. The moment of laughter gave her time to think of an answer. “I’ve been feeling torn between my past and my future.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “I’ve lived a really fucked-up life,” Eva said, causing a series of whoops to erupt around her. She blushed at her use of coarse language, but no better or more truthful words came to mind. “I have a lot of regrets, and each of them is clouding my future.”

  Rosalie sat up straight. “We all have regrets, Eva.”

  “I regret losin
g my virginity to Billy,” Lucy said.

  “I regret listening to my dad when he told me I wasn’t good enough to try out for the wrestling team. I know I am, but I listened to him anyway, and now I hate hearing about every match,” the older boy said in a firm, angry voice.

  “And what have we learned from these regrets? Tom?”

  “That I need to listen to myself when it comes to what I want in life, and that I’m going to try out next year no matter what.”

  “That sex is about more than just doing what’s expected of you,” Lucy said. “No one can tell me I’m ready except myself.”

  “Eva, tell us one regret you have and what you’ve learned from it.”

  Eva shuffled through her many regrets, but one always remained at the top of the list. “I wasn’t sure how to work through a difficult time, so I ran away from the problem and cut the one person I cared about out of my life. I learned that our decisions affect the people around us, and running away isn’t always the best answer.”

  “This person you cared for, have you thought about reaching out to them?”

  Eva looked at Rosalie and studied the sympathetic glint in her eyes. “We’ve recently reconnected, but we’re so different now, it seems impossible for us to overcome the past. I just wonder if we’d done things differently back then, would we be happy now?”

  “Do they know how deeply you care for them?” Rosalie said, placing her hand over her heart.

  “Yes,” Eva said in a whisper. “She knows.” Everyone in the circle smiled at Eva, including Rosalie. Eva felt so much acceptance, the motherly acceptance she had been unknowingly pining after for years.

  “Does she like you back?” a much younger girl said, her eyes were bright with childlike excitement. Eva guessed she was closer to fifteen.

  “She feels the same, yes.” Eva’s smile fell. “But I don’t think it’s enough, not with so many other obstacles around us.”

  “I think you and Tom have something in common here,” Rosalie said, much to everyone’s surprise. “You have a similar lesson to be learned. You should make decisions for yourself with yourself in mind. You should be wondering if things done differently then would make you happier today, and what those things are. If you’re happy with yourself, you’ll be able to find true happiness with someone else.”