Avoiding Commitment

by craziebabe45

  A smile broke out across his face when he noticed her checking him out. She blushed slightly unable to control the faint feeling of embarrassment. She knew that she shouldn't feel it…after all, it was Jack. He pulled her into him wrapping his arms around her waist covered by a purple sweater and long black pea coat. Breathing in his musky scent made her head dizzy with more than just a cologne haze, and she tightened her grip around his neck to steady herself. Her heart fluttered as he seemed unable to let her go. After a minute of standing there with their arms wrapped tightly around each other, Jack finally pulled back taking a step away from her. Lexi instantly felt like all the warmth from her body had dissipated with the break in contact.

  "Can we go inside?" he asked rubbing his hands up and down his chiseled arms. "It's kind of freezing and I forgot a jacket."

  She shook herself out of her trance and nodded following him up the stairs. Her jaw slackened at the magnificent arched hallway and the crowd of people milling around the entranceway. Jack locked onto her wrist and led her away to a more secluded section of the lobby. His hand was hot to the touch despite just having left the frigid outdoors. She couldn't tell if that was just her reaction to feeling his skin or whether he was actually that warm. He gestured for her to take a seat on a hard wooden bench, which she did. She stuffed her hands into the pockets of her pea coat and angled her body to look at him where he sat next to her.

  He breathed out a few times into his hands. He obviously thought they were cold even though Lexi disagreed. She waited not wanting to be the first to speak. She wasn't even sure what he was going to say. She was a little scared about what she might find out.

  "So," he began averting his gaze to the sleek marble floor.

  "So," she agreed not letting her eyes drift from his face.

  He cleared his throat uncomfortably. She held his gaze, waiting.

  "Lex, I…" he glanced up into her brown eyes and then quickly back down at the floor.

  "Yes?" she prodded.

  "I'm sorry about last night," he mumbled, but something about the way he said it didn't sound sincere.

  "Jack, why don't you cut the bullshit, and tell me what you're actually thinking?" she asked him easily annoyed.

  "Ok ok. I never could get anything past you, could I?"

  Lexi shook her head not wanting to take that comment head-on. She could remember a time when he was able to hide many things from her.

  He slumped into himself at her reaction. She waited, allowing him to collect his thoughts before speaking again. He straightened up taller than before and met her gaze. "You're right. I'm not sorry for last night. I meant everything I said, and I don't know if you are with someone or not, but I guess…I still wanted you to know."

  Lexi blushed at his words. She had been piecing the previous night together in her mind, and could vaguely remember what had happened before she had blacked out. Jack had been there, waiting for her. She remembered his lips against her skin and his voice whispering in her ear. Her heart sped up at the recollection of those three small words they had uttered to each other, and a smile crept to her face.

  "You love me," she whispered. She felt something wet on her cheek. When she reached up to brush it off, she was surprised to see that it was her own tears. She chuckled to herself at the absurdity of what was happening. Jack was here, in New York with her.

  "You're crying!" he exclaimed his face showing blatant shock. "Did I do something?"

  "Yes," she said laughing a little harder.

  "Something wrong?"

  She shook her head no and threw her arms around him and he seemed to relax. "Well yes," she amended pulling back to look at him, "you left without saying good-bye and left me a note apologizing."

  "I thought it was in your best interest."

  She adjusted her body so that she could get a better look at him. "Did you honestly think I'd ignore your cryptic message?"

  He smiled despite himself. "A part of me hoped you wouldn't."

  "A part of you knew I wouldn't."

  He nodded agreeing with her. "Well then I'm sorry for the message, but I did have to leave and you were still passed out. How much had you had to drink?"

  She looked down at her hands twisting in her lap sheepishly.

  "That's what I thought," he said running his fingers through his perfectly kept hair. Lexi watched as the pieces fell back into place neatly, only a few stray strands obscured the view of his eyes.

  "So are you…are you with someone?" he asked taking her hands into his own, his voice ringing with a note of hope.

  Lexi hesitated watching his concerned face before answering him. "No there's no one."

  He breathed out the breath he'd been holding and smiled up at her in relief. "That's good." He paused nibbling on his bottom lip as if deliberating his next move. "I never asked over the summer while we were still talking, but what happened with Clark?"

  She cursed under her breath extracting her hands from his. She pushed her hair behind her ears several times anxiously. This had been the question she had been avoiding from the time he had begun to talk to her again. He could tell she was nervous and didn't want to answer the question, but he didn't stray from the subject. He waited giving her time to decide how she wanted to answer.

  "Do we have to talk about Clark?" she whispered.

  "We don't have to, but you know my end of the story. You were the only one I saw when I closed my eyes," he said bringing his hand up to her chin and tilting her head up to look into his crystal clear blue eyes.

  "Then why wasn't I enough when they were open?" she asked another tear welling in her eyes.

  "Please don't cry," he muttered wiping away the tear that had fallen down her cheek. "I know I screwed up. We both screwed up, but I'm here now."

  As if that solved everything.

  She sat up straighter not wanting to let her emotions take over. She had been down that road before and it was a slippery slope. "Clark and I broke up the day you told me you loved me."

  "What?" Jack cried a little too loud for their environment. He drew eyes from the surrounding pedestrians congregated in the hallway to escape the cold. "Why didn't you tell me?"

  "Jack, lower your voice," she demanded glancing around at the nosey onlookers.

  "No, Lexi explain," he yelled out his eyes blazing.

  Deep down she wished she could have lied to him right then and there. What made him special anyway? She lied to everyone else. She wished that she didn't have to explain why she had done what she did. She had been avoiding the truth for so long. She didn't feel prepared to divulge her actions, but she couldn't lie to Jack. They had decided a long time ago never to do that to each other. Her heart told her that the truth would only hurt him further. That he should leave after everything they had been through. That she should run tail-end in the opposite direction, but she couldn't and he obviously wasn't going to either.

  "I couldn't tell you, but I couldn't be with him either."

  "Why didn't you come to me?" he pleaded with her trying to comprehend what she had done.

  "He made me…hurt you Jack," she finally stammered out. "What I felt for Clark…what Clark thought he felt for me would never be the same after all that. I'd gone ahead with his plan out of fear. And for what?" she muttered angrily. "For what? Fear of losing him? No, I'd never feared that, but I didn't see that until it was too late. I was afraid of losing you. For what I had with you was more than anything Clark gave me."

  "Then why didn't you come to me?" he repeated interrupting her stream of conscious. "Why didn't you tell me?"

  "Can't you see? I did it because I loved you and though you said the words first, I didn't believe you," she told him breathlessly her face paling after finally telling him everything she had been holding in.

  His features morphed at the shock of her words. She could tell he wasn't pleased with what she had said. "You think I'd tell you I love you if it wasn't true?" he growled.

  "Your girlfriend had just told me
you had held out on sex with her for over a year and a half because she was a virgin. You obviously respected her. You couldn't even wait two days at a beach house while our significants were a couple hundred yards away. What does that tell you?" she asked her face regaining a little bit of color with the vehemence in her voice.

  He leaned back hard against the bench and ran his hands through his thick hair again. Lexi's eyes were drawn to the movement, and she wished he would stop doing that. It kept making her heart flutter. "Yeah I really respected Kate by not sleeping with her," he stated sarcastically shaking his head. "Is that what you think?"

  Lexi looked at him helplessly. It had been what she thought at the time, what she had thought for a long time, but now staring into his defeated face, she was beginning to second guess herself.

  "It was the opposite," he told her taking her hand out of her lap once again as he regained composure. "I didn't respect her at all, because I slept with you. She was easy to handle and convenient. Nothing more to me than that. I cared for her, but when you walked away from me that day our relationship turned hostile and almost pathetic. I stayed with her more out of boredom. And to find out you weren't with Clark after all that, I just…I don't know what to say…" he trailed off.

  They sat in silence both milling over the new found information that miscommunication had deprived them of so long ago. Lexi sighed heavily itching to find out what this meant for them in the present time.

  "I guess we both thought we were doing what was in the other's best interest," Jack told her.

  "So where do we go from here?" Lexi asked tentatively looking up into his blue eyes. What she saw gave her more hope than she thought she deserved. His eyes were lit up and the smile that crossed his face took her breath away.

  "Well I have a thought," he began leaning forward and pressing a kiss to her cheek. She giggled reflexively unable to believe he had just kissed her after all that.

  "What's that?" she asked nudging him along.

  He scooted closer on the bench so that there wasn't any room left between them. "I'm going to be in New York for a little while so why don't we try this out?"

  "You mean date?" she asked in disbelief.

  He scrunched up his face. "You think that we can really be normal enough to date?" he asked sarcastically.

  "Oh shush," she said smacking him playfully, "I just mean that we're a little bit past that point and we're not actually normal."

  He nodded agreeing with her. "Okay so we don't date. Let's not be a couple since we're pretty good at that at least."

  "Then what are we?"

  "We're working on making this right," he said bringing his lips to hers gently.

  "I like the sound of that," she said against his soft lips her breath quickening instantly.

  He drew back from her a cocky smirk played across his features. "I forgot how much I love your reactions to everything."

  She blushed as he trailed a hand down the side of her face and on to her neck. "Jack, we're in public," she reminded him. He retracted his hand seeming to realize that they were in a crowded place for one of the first times. Lexi glanced around at their surroundings just to make sure that they hadn't drawn any unnecessary attention towards themselves. When she was satisfied, she turned back to Jack taking in his beautiful features and feeling giddy and light-headed all at once.

  For the first time, she was hearing the words she had always dreamed of hearing. Maybe not in the exact way she had expected, but it was improvement. So they weren't a couple, but since when was that new? They had never been a couple. They had never had that kind of relationship. This was probably the best thing for them anyway. She couldn't imagine them as a serious couple. Every other person they had dated that way had ended in disaster. She didn't want them to end up like that. She wanted what she had always envisioned with Jack.

  "So where are you staying in New York?" she asked not so subtly. She bit her bottom lip and stared up at him under her long black lashes.

  "I'm guessing your dorm room only has a twin," he said smirking as he stood hauling her up off the bench and leading her out of the building. "You know I had planned on taking you through the museum."

  She smiled up at him as they entered the cold afternoon air. "I'm going to assume there will be time for that later."

  Jack laced his fingers with Lexi as they trotted down the stairs together. He hailed a cab that drove them across town away from Central Park, Washington Square, and Park Avenue where she typically frequented, to a rundown building with dilapidated paneling and a slew of broken windows. Lexi cringed at the sight unfamiliar with the more unpleasant side of town. She followed him up the four flights of stairs and stood before a door with three layers of off-white paint chipping from the frame.

  He flashed an apologetic smile before entering the apartment. Lexi breathed a sigh of relief at the interior. Despite the disgusting outwards appearance, the inside was clean and well furnished even if nothing in the apartment seemed to match. "Sorry about this. I was staying with some family friends for awhile, but they ended up having their parents move back in with them so they could keep a better eye on their health conditions. That put me out of a place to stay, and I ended up here with this girl I met at my last job. I'm not sure if she's around," he said looking around the apartment warily.

  "How many jobs have you had?" she asked curiously.

  He squirmed under her question. "A few more than I would have liked."

  "Oh," she stated unsure of what to say. "What are you doing now?"

  "Uh…I'm a waiter, but I feel more like I'm in between jobs. I was working at this amazing job off Wall Street," he told her his eyes glossing over with pride, "but they had to let a whole bunch of people go because of the economy. I moved up here for the job and then it was just taken out from under me. I've been talking to a lot of companies though. It'll pick up."

  Lexi empathized with his pain. She had heard of so many people losing their jobs due to the economy. She was avoiding the real world as long as she possibly could and hoping everything would turn around by the time she was out of law school. Lexi reached out and touched his arm bringing him out of his bad mood.

  "Oh yeah sorry," he apologized guiding her towards a door. "This is where Stella is letting me crash until I can get on my feet again."

  He pushed open the door and revealed a room just large enough to fit a double bed, dresser, and TV. Not that he needed much else at the moment. He closed the door behind them as Lexi climbed onto the bed. She snuggled into the green comforter surprised by how comfy the mattress was. Jack crawled onto the bed after her, tucking his arm underneath her shoulders, and pulling her into him.

  She let his kisses travel lightly down her face and to her neck. It was a different feeling than she was accustomed to with Jack. He wasn't in a hurry with her. It had been a long time since they had been together, and he wanted to savor every inch of her body. He paused at the base of her throat running his hands across the smooth skin left exposed by her sweater.

  "Don't take this the wrong way," he said pressing his lips to her skin, "but this is the palest I've ever seen you."

  She laughed deep into her diaphragm. "There's not as much sun here."

  Jack straddled her legs and reached for the purple sweater that was covering her pale form. He slid his hands up under the material dragging the flimsy tank top with it over her head. Trailing from her bellybutton across her ribs up between her breasts and then back to the hollow of her throat humming softly, "Pale, pale, pale. Do do do." Lexi couldn't keep from giggling at his adorableness.

  One hand snaked under her body and unsnapped the sheer lace bra she was wearing. He tossed it to the ground and yanked his own shirt over his head in one fluid motion. Lowering himself back down to her body, he made work with her breasts until she was squirming under him. The rest of their clothes followed and each took their time exploring and reacquainting themselves with each other's body. She could tell he was getting close to going over t
he edge as she gripped him in her hands and used her mouth to pleasure him further. He shuddered and seized her shoulders pulling her on top of him. She gasped surprised by his forcefulness.

  "You don't want me to finish?" she asked wiggling her hips teasingly.

  He smirked. "Yeah I do," he said as he pushed her hips down sliding him inside of her. She gasped again this time out of pure bliss. Jack let loose a low groan at the feel of her encircling him. Lexi squeezed her muscles and felt him quiver underneath her. She leaned forward resting her hands on the bed and gave him a loving kiss before he started moving slowly inside of her. They both enjoyed alternating between who took control of the situation and the speed and tempo that the other employed. Just as they both were getting close Jack shoved her upwards and off of him. Without even giving it a seconds thought, he flipped over grasping her hips in his hands and starting where they left off doggie-style. They finished together both spent from the physical and emotional rollercoaster from that day.

  After cleaning up, Lexi fell back into Jack's arms letting him hold her tight. He fanned out her hair letting it run loose between his fingers. "Better than the museum?" she asked playfully.

  "Much better," he said leaning down and kissing her on her temple. "Everything is better when I'm with you."

  She sighed heavily unable to believe that after everything they had been through and all the heartache and tears she had endured, she was finally getting the chance she deserved with Jack. So maybe they weren't officially a couple, but at least they were something. She could deal with whatever came next as long as he was around. That would be good enough for her…for now. Then they could go past this, and work towards a real future together.

  But right now, she was ready for round two.

  * * *

  Thanks Cupid's Psyche, CaliBound, and total romance. for comments! Also, check out my book and Cupid's Psyche's "Thoughtless" in total romance.'s new Community The Greats of The Greats.

  K.A. Linde

  Fainting Spell

  Am I alone in this?