The Armchair Detective The Early Years (Special Editions)

by Ian Shimwell

  RHET: What actually happened here to cause so much damage?

  THE CONCIERGE: Well yes, back in the… in days gone by, the Concentric Hotel was the grandest in the whole country outside London. Two friends owned it – but, same old story I suppose, one became greedy and double-crossed the other… And to cut a long story short, this destruction is the result.

  TRENCH: Concierge, thank-you for your time. We simply must be going.

  DEBSY: Do we?

  THE CONCIERGE: What about your offer? (There is a moment’s silence.) You know, to buy.

  RHET: We’ll be in touch…

  SADE: Don’t call us, we’ll call you.

  (They leave the hotel and close the double-doors behind them.)

  TRENCH: All that’s left of this concentric is the outer wall…

  RHET: I’m sorry, Trench?

  TRENCH: Err, just thinking aloud.

  SADE: That black car across the road. Somebody is watching us…

  DEBSY: But the windows are darkened – could it be our dark stranger?

  TRENCH: Let’s find out.

  (The car in question begins to drive off.)

  RHET: Surely Trench you’re not going to say it? You are going to say it.

  TRENCH: I’m afraid so: follow that car!

  (Fast paced music changes the scene.)

  (We hear the car doors closing.)

  RHET: The black car is there – which indicates that your stranger, Trench, is in that building.

  TRENCH: Whoever he is, he’s not my stranger, Rhet. I caught a glimpse of him entering and his coat wasn’t long enough.

  DEBSY: But he was watching us at the hotel.

  TRENCH: I’m sure of it, Debs.

  RHET: I’m afraid Sade and I are going to have to love you and leave you – time to observe suspected naughty spouses again.

  TRENCH: Ah well, thanks for the lifts – I suppose we’ll have to walk back.

  DEBSY: Awful shame you’re leaving us, Sade.

  SADE: Likewise, Dreary.

  (RHET and SADE climb into their car and drive off.)

  DEBSY:` Bitch. (She takes a deep breath.) That’s better. It seems only one firm occupies these offices.

  TRENCH: I don’t believe it: Mandragora Detective Agency. We really are going around in circles, aren’t we?

  DEBSY: It’s as if we’re lost in a game of Ludo with no home. We just keep going round and round the board.

  TRENCH: And constantly hitting the same barricades: detective agencies.

  DEBSY: Oh no – Trench, look over there – or rather don’t.

  TRENCH: He’s there again – across the street, just out of reach – the long coated, watcher…

  (The office front door starts opening.)

  DEBSY: Prepare to meet yet another detective…

  TRENCH: As our dark stranger disappears yet again…

  (Mysterious music changes the scene.)

  TRENCH: There’s no need for you to struggle with your armchair, Old Tom – I’ll pass you your tea.

  OLD TOM: I can manage.

  (OLD TOM moans slightly as he struggles to reach for his tea. Mission finally accomplished, he takes a tentative sip.)

  TRENCH: Cold enough?

  OLD TOM: Oh yes, but next time don’t make it quite so strong.

  TRENCH: All right, but there’s always a chance of making it a fortnight – I mean too weak. Sorry, bad joke.

  OLD TOM: I think your Debsy would even blush at that one. Right, now where were we?

  TRENCH: The trail led us, yes you guessed it, to another detective agency.

  OLD TOM: And what was the so-called detective’s name?

  TRENCH: Oh, he called himself Mr Dotlom. He said he’d been following our dark stranger – and that’s why he was watching us at the Concentric.

  OLD TOM: And the name of the agency?

  TRENCH: Another strange name: Mandragora Detective Agency.

  (OLD TOM takes a deep, sharp intake of breath.)

  OLD TOM: Now, there can be absolutely no doubt who we are dealing with. After all this time, I had even begun to dare to hope – but no…

  TRENCH: You mean your friend from the Old Days..?

  OLD TOM: (Who chuckles ironically.) He was once a friend of course, the best of the best…

  TRENCH: How can you be so sure it is that person?

  OLD TOM: The names of the detective agencies for one. Dragon and Mandragora clearly point to his name. He always used to say that he would live in a castle one day. And all the other names in the case are typical of his diabolical mind.

  TRENCH: Let me think, there’s Ellie.

  OLD TOM: Forget about Ellie, although I suspect even she is a sinister reminder of the past…

  TRENCH: All right, so we have: Rhet, Sade, Rodiel and Dotlom.

  OLD TOM: Yes, I should have realised sooner – he has played me for a fool. But my observational deductive process would not quite allow me… So we have been…

  TRENCH: …going around in circles.

  OLD TOM: Recursion can be a terrible weapon… But we are near the end of this game and I suppose it would be unsporting not to finish it – so, let us at least solve the mystery at hand.

  TRENCH: With all this going on, I’ve forgotten what the mystery actually is.

  OLD TOM: The identity of your dark hooded and long coated follower.

  TRENCH: Oh yeah – but who? And I saw him from only the other side of the road. The coat he or she was wearing – it’s on the tip of my tongue…

  OLD TOM: Surely you must know by now. Think about the coat, Trench – and the names again. Come on, think Trench think.

  TRENCH: I am. I’m thinking so hard it’s hurting… but I think the penny is beginning to drop.

  OLD TOM: Good. And this is what you must do to unmask our following friend…

  (Suspense-filled music changes the scene.)

  DEBSY: Lucky we followed the other office bod in.

  TRENCH: Yes Debsy, now we can make a surprise entrance.

  (TRENCH flings the door open.)

  RHET: Trench and desirable Debsy, what a pleasant surprise.

  DEBSY: That’s better.

  SADE: A dramatic entrance, how amusing. How can we help you?

  TRENCH: You can explain why you seem to be packing up.

  DEBSY: Yes Sade, why are you rushing away all of a sudden?

  SADE: Simple – our work here is over, so isn’t it natural to then pack and thus leave?

  TRENCH: It still seems strange. Tell you what, I’ve always thought that filing cabinet was too large – more like a wardrobe really. Open it, would you Rhet?

  RHET: As you can see, we are rather busy.

  TRENCH: Just open it.

  RHET: If you insist.

  (We hear a creak as the wardrobe door opens.)

  DEBSY: (Who gasps.) The hooded, black coat.

  TRENCH: …of our mysterious stranger.

  RHET: Now, I wonder how that got there. Nice coat, Trench though.

  TRENCH: Oh, don’t worry about that one – I have, belatedly I admit, realised that it is a Trench Coat – and that you Rhet are its wearer.

  RHET: Now, how could you possibly know that? Why not Sade, for instance?

  SADE: Not really my style dear – but good question.

  TRENCH: Your name for starters, Rhet with one ‘t’ – the letters can be found in my name. Coupled with it being a Trench Coat – yes, very funny – and that we actually never saw you and our watcher at the same time.

  RHET: Bravo.

  SADE: You never saw me and the stranger though?

  DEBSY: Oh do shut up, Sade, the coat’s clearly nowhere near your size anyway. Sade – ‘s’, ‘a’, ‘d’ and ‘e’ – at least your name doesn’t come from mine. What a relief.

  TRENCH: I’m afraid it does Debsy.

  DEBSY: Doesn’t.

  TRENCH: Does – if you combine Debsy and Deborah.

  DEBSY: Oh yes… oh no!

  TRENCH: So, are you real detectives? />
  RHET: Are you?

  TRENCH: Does the Dragon Detective Agency even exist?

  RHET: Does it really matter?

  DEBSY: Rhet, will you please stop answering questions with questions?

  RHET: Must I? All right, I’ll stop.

  TRENCH: Who employed you to follow me?

  RHET: I fear that that must remain a mystery for a little while longer.

  SADE: But we will meet again soon…

  DEBSY: Can’t wait, dear.

  (Mysterious music ends the scene.)

  OLD TOM: My turn to pour the tea.

  (OLD TOM pours the tea.)

  OLD TOM: Help yourself to a biscuit, Trench. I think you will find the tin is underneath your chair.

  (TRENCH scrambles about and then lifts the lid off the biscuit tin.)

  TRENCH: The usual soft ones – err thanks old timer. Now, back to the names – what about Rodiel?

  OLD TOM: That Trench, comes from your very own Editor Law.

  TRENCH: Oh yes – and then there’s Dotlom, now who’s that? Wait, don’t tell me, I’ve got it. It’s a simple anagram of Old Tom.

  OLD TOM: Yes, too easy – really. Which probably explains why the others were not strictly anagrams. It’s a typical trick of my friend from the Old Days. The man Debsy bumped into, in the green hat – a while ago.

  TRENCH: Suddenly Old Tom – you look ghastly serious and withdrawn. Can you explain or elaborate anymore?

  OLD TOM: He has sworn vengeance against me – but even I did not think he would wait this long.

  TRENCH: So this, this err friend plans to hurt you in some way – or worse..?

  OLD TOM: No, no – not his style. He is a master manipulator. He pulls you to pieces from within. Each mind game chipping and chipping away until finally you crack or crumble. Look at this case – he teased me with just enough evidence to suspect him, but not quite enough to allow my observational process to make the reasoned deduction until the end, of course. All the twisting and turning seeks simply to undermine my abilities.

  TRENCH: What happened between you two?

  OLD TOM: (Who takes a sip of his tea.) Oh no, too warm. We worked together and were the best of friends – almost like brothers really. But then I betrayed him – I was left with an agonising yet relatively simple choice: choose to follow my observational deductive process or simply believe, have faith in him.

  TRENCH: I assume you chose your process?

  OLD TOM: To my shame, yes, yes I did. I have regretted the decision ever since, every single day. For my choice caused terrible tragedy involving… Eleanor.

  TRENCH: And Ellie must have been a reflection of this Eleanor?

  OLD TOM: Yes, he sometimes used to call her that… And now he has returned for revenge – and you Trench and Debsy are guilty by association. He will play with your minds too. So, I will not blame you for one second if you end our relationship right here, right now.

  TRENCH: No, no – and no. I’m not going, just as things are getting interesting – and don’t worry about Debsy – she does what I tell her!

  OLD TOM: Yes, Trench. Of course all the stranger nonsense was just the outer-wall of my old friend’s concentric castle.

  TRENCH: Which the Armchair Detective has now penetrated – so, all roads lead to the castle – wherever that might be. Oh look through the window, the dark clouds are finally lifting.

  OLD TOM: I fear it is only the calm before the storm, though.

  TRENCH: So, who is you old ‘friend’, Old Tom? You can tell me – can you tell me?

  OLD TOM: Yes, Trench – I can. He is a man who has vowed to destroy me; he is a man whose twisting intelligence even eclipses my own; he is a man who still haunts my nightmares.

  TRENCH: Who is he? What’s his name?

  OLD TOM: And the man is… Mandrake.

  CLOSING MYSTERY MUSIC

  TO BE CONTINUED…

  The

  Armchair

  Detective

  and the

  Castle

  of

  Mandrake

  Part Two

  INTRODUCTION

  First ever Armchair Detective two-parter:

  "And the man is... Mandrake"

  Old Tom receives an invitation to a castle that he simply cannot refuse.

  He has dreaded this day for an age, but he always knew it would come all the same. He knows his 'friend' from the Old Days will be waiting for him with a twisting plot to enact a tormenting revenge.

  Trouble is, he's taking Trench and Debsy with him...

  Cast List

  TRENCH

  OLD TOM

  DEBSY

  EDITOR LAW

  MANDRAKE

  RHET

  SADE

  MARLOWE

  Act One

  OPENING MYSTERY MUSIC

  OLD TOM: Come in young man, the door is open.

  (TRENCH opens the front door and enters OLD TOM’s flat. TRENCH starts shuffling his feet.)

  OLD TOM: Sit down Trench – you are making me nervous.

  TRENCH: Sorry. (He sits down.) Two cups of tea already poured – but this time, of course, I know you were expecting me; because as agreed, I am back after exactly one week.

  OLD TOM: Then I can only thank you for your punctuality – but please drink your tea before it becomes warm.

  TRENCH: Oh yeah (He takes a sip.) Lovely and err… cold. So, Old Tom, have there been any developments over the past week?

  OLD TOM: Not a thing, I’m afraid. I was expecting something, but then again, he may play the waiting game again to torture me even more.

  TRENCH: And unfortunately I’ve no fresh mystery to exercise your grey cells.

  (At that moment, something is pushed through the letter box.)

  TRENCH: I wonder what that is.

  OLD TOM: There’s certainly no post due on a Sunday.

  TRENCH: Shall I have a look?

  OLD TOM: I think that would be the wisest course of action.

  (TRENCH goes into the hall and then returns.)

  TRENCH: A beautifully hand-written envelope bearing simply your name, Old Tom. It’s even got one of those old-fashioned, red wax seals stamped on the back.

  OLD TOM: Mandrake.

  TRENCH: How can you be so sure?

  OLD TOM: Remember I know him – and his style. And besides, who else could it be? Come on, hand it over.

  TRENCH: Here you are then.

  OLD TOM: There’s a letter-opener underneath my armchair – in the shape of a small sword. Be a dear, and fetch it for me.

  TRENCH: Oh very well, but I don’t see why you can’t open it by hand.

  (TRENCH scrambles about for a bit.)

  TRENCH: Ah, here it is – underneath your cake tin.

  OLD TOM: I am obliged. The sender has gone to an awful lot of trouble to care for the contents of this envelope so the best we can do is open it properly.

  (OLD TOM slices the envelope open, pulls out and unfolds the paper inside.)

  TRENCH: It looks like old parchment.

  OLD TOM: It is an invitation – an invitation for next weekend. Mandrake respectfully invites the pleasure of me, you and Debsy to spend the weekend with him and associates for food and frivolity in his majestic castle.

  TRENCH: How… err civilised and, dare I say, friendly.

  OLD TOM: Oh yes, whatever else he may be, Mandrake is a true gentleman. He has arranged horse-drawn carriages to pick me up from here – and another to gather you two at the Stokeham Herald at four sharp on Friday afternoon.

  TRENCH: So, we’ll have plenty of time to freshen-up before dinner.

  OLD TOM: Certainly.

  TRENCH: Hang on; is there not a RSVP or something?

  OLD TOM: I suspect our host seems to have assumed our acceptance.

  TRENCH: So, will we be visiting a castle this weekend?

  OLD TOM: Mandrake and I have spent a lifetime, anticipating this meeting – so, what do you think?

  (Thunderous music changes the
scene.)

  (We can hear the wind blowing and distant traffic.)

  EDITOR LAW: You know, I should really insist that you work until five o’clock.

  TRENCH: Editor Law, you are just about to enter your car so, forgive me if I’m wrong, but it kind of looks like you’re finishing early too.

  EDITOR LAW: Boss’ privilege.

  DEBSY: But thank you, oh so wonderful one, for graciously allowing us to go slightly early for our weekend retreat.

  EDITOR LAW: All right Deborah, don’t overdo it. I have already agreed, you know. I am good like that.

  TRENCH: We’ve noticed.

  EDITOR LAW: When’s your transport due, Trench?

  TRENCH: Around about now. Listen sir – as much as we love your sparkling company, don’t you have somewhere to go?

  EDITOR LAW: All right, I’m going – I know where I’m not wanted. And, looking at the weather, I don’t think I’m going to get that round of golf in.

  (At that moment, we can hear horses’ hooves which becomes louder. Then a few ‘woe woes’ can be heard.)

  DEBSY: A horse-drawn carriage just for us, Trench – how exciting.

  TRENCH: Magnificent beasts and the carriage is exquisitely classical too.

  EDITOR LAW: Hang on a moment; I thought you said your host for the weekend was some sort of bad egg?

  TRENCH: I did.

  EDITOR LAW: He’s laid on this extravagant style of transport and you’ll be spending a luxury weekend in a no-doubt grand castle with lavish meals…

  DEBSY: I know what you mean Editor Law – with enemies like that, I’d be glad to dump some of my friends.

  TRENCH: Your carriage awaits, my lady.

  DEBSY: You what?

  TRENCH: Are we going or what, Debsy?

  DEBSY: Oh yeah, here take my case.

  TRENCH: Thanks. We’re only going for two days, not two weeks!

  DEBSY: Oh, stop complaining.

  (DEBSY and TRENCH climb aboard the carriage.)

  TRENCH: Even the seats are leather-bound.

  DEBSY: And cushioned scarlet-red.

  EDITOR LAW: Goodbye children.

  (The carriage starts off on its way. The focus is on the sound of the horses’ hooves indicating that some distance has been travelled.)

  DEBSY: We’ve arrived in the country!

  TRENCH: Yes. Beautiful, isn’t it?

  DEBSY: I’ve just realised, we’ve not picked Old Tom up – you said he was coming too.