Murder & Mayhem in Goose Pimple Junction

by Amy Metz

  Jack had slipped his hand underneath Tess’s hair and was lightly massaging her neck, with his fingertips.

  “Ohhh. Oh-kay, Martha, we’ll just play it by ear,” Tess said, trying to cover her near moan. Jack coughed and left his fist over his mouth to cover a guilty smile.

  Martha Maye gathered up the clippings. “Well, I ‘spect I should be goin’ now.”

  “Jack, your clothes should be dry now. Why don’t you change back into them and give Martha Maye a ride home? It would be silly for her to walk, since you’re both going to practically the same place.” His stare unnerved her, and she added, “And since it’s so hot out there.” Because it’s way too hot in here.

  Jack pursed his lips, but he reluctantly agreed.

  “That’d by mighty kind a you, Jack. My daddy would turn in his grave if he knew I was out this late by myself. He used to say ain’t nobody out at this time a night but burglars and bad women.”

  While Jack was gone to get his clothes, Martha Maye looked down at Ezzie, who’d worked herself halfway up onto her lap. “She’s not much of a guard dog.”

  “Isn’t that the truth! But Jack said it makes him feel better to know that at least she’ll bark if someone should try to come into the house again. I’m sure your mother told you about the recent break-ins.”

  “She did. Aren’t you afraid to stay here by yourself with nothin’ more than a sloth on feet for protection? A sweet sloth, but still a sloth.” She smiled down at the dog and rubbed her ears.

  As if on cue, Ezzie lifted her head, sent her nose up in the air, and let out a big howl.

  “It’s just me, Ez,” Jack said, coming back into the room.

  “It’s time we get on home, Jackson, if ya don’t mind.” Martha Maye got to her feet.

  Tess and Ezzie walked them to the door. “Thanks for coming over, Martha Maye. We’ll talk again soon.”

  They walked onto the porch, and Martha Maye said, “Okay, you two, I’ma gwon over’t the car and let you say your goodnights.”

  “Oh, Martha Maye, you don’t have to—”

  “Speak for your cotton-pickin’ self, blabbermouth,” Jack interrupted, pinching a bit of Tess's shirt and pulling her back toward him.

  Martha bustled down the steps, and Jack reached for Tess’s waist, pulling her into him. “Next time can we pick up where we left off?”

  Tess smiled and propped her arms on Jack’s shoulders, her hands playing with the hair at the base of his neck. “Possibly,” she said, coyly.

  “I can take Martha Maye home and be right back, ya know.” He kissed her cheek, about a millimeter away from her lips.

  “Jack . . . “

  “Don’t tell me this was a mistake.” He kissed just under her ear.

  “I wasn’t going to. And I’m not trying to be a tease. I just think we should take things slowly.”

  Jack finally found Tess’s lips.

  And then Martha Maye screamed.

  Shut The Door And Call The Law

  dootcher: verb doo-tchur a reprimand, do what your

  Dootcher mama says.

  [ 1937 ]

  “You’ve ate that chicken till it’s slick as a ribbon, Psalmist David,” Maye teased her little brother.

  “And it’s so good I can hardly keep my toes still. You make the best fried chicken in seven counties, Mayepie.”

  “Mama, what’s slick as a ribbon mean?” asked Louetta.

  “Means he ate all the meat clean off the bone, leavin’ it slick—see here?” she held a bone up to show her daughter.

  “Mama, kin I take baby Johnny out and walk him?” Ima Jean wanted to know.

  “How ‘bout you clear the table first?” Maye responded.

  “But Mama . . . “

  “Dootcher mama says now, Ima Jean,” P.D. admonished.

  “Quick! Let me hold him before she comes back to collect him,” Maye said as soon as her daughter left the room with an arm full of plates. She took her nephew in her arms and crooned, “You’re cuter ‘n a bugs butt, little fella . . . “ut’r.}

  “Maye, you’re gonna wool that baby to death,” Denise said with a smile.

  “Mama, what does that mean?” Louetta asked.

  “She thinks I’m gonna give him too much lovin’, Buttabean. Would you like to hold him?”

  “Can I?” Louetta asked, with her hands folded like she was praying.

  “Sit on down here first, Bean.” Once Louetta was situated, her mother put the baby in her lap.

  Maye disappeared and came back with a coconut cake. She cut a big slice and put it in front of her brother. “My goodness, that’s a gracious plenty!” he said, eyeing the huge piece of cake.

  Maye finished serving cake to everyone before she sat back down at the table.

  “P.D., I don’t wanna bring up a sore subject, but . . . can I borrow the money, or cain’t I?” Maye asked, impatiently.

  “Aw, Maye. Why do you want ta put good money down on somethin’ that oughtta be police business?”

  “Because I don’t trust Bug Preston any farther ‘n I can throw him. Him or his deputy. One of ‘em will lie, and the other’ll swear to it.”

  “P.D., she’s right. He’s so crooked, when he dies they’ll have to screw him into the ground,” Denise said.

  “You don’t know that, you’re just annoyed he hasn’t made an arrest. He’s good people, and he’s tryin’ his best. You listen to the old biddies too much, honey. He’s workin' on it. Just give him time.”

  “I’ll give him time. But there’s a lot of ways to skin a rabbit. I wanna hire this private detective,” Maye insisted. “Will ya loan me the money or not?”

  “If you’re sure that’s what you wonta do,” P.D. said, resignedly.

  “Now can I walk little Johnny?” Ima Jean asked again.

  “All right. But stay in front ‘a the house.”

  “Maye, don’t go gettin’ yer hopes up,” P.D. said seriously. “And don’t insult the alligator before you cross the stream . . . and not at all if you go home that way!”

  “What’s that supposed ta mean?” Maye said, irritably.

  “You know what it means.”

  Maye inclined her head.

  “Means don’t go rubbin’ Bug’s nose in the fact that yer hirin’ somebody to do his job.”

  Maye harrumphed and crossed her arms. “I say if he can't run with the big dogs, he oughtta stay under the porch.”

  [ July 2010 ]

  Martha Maye ran back to Tess’s front porch, screaming a blue streak through the night air.

  Jack and Tess ran to her, as Ezzie shot past them and raced into the yard.

  “Shut the door and call the law! There’s somethin’ or someone in those tall pine trees over yonder!” Martha Maye stood clutching her purse to her chest, clearly terrified.

  Jack ran past her. “I’ll check it out.”

  “Jack!” Tess tried to call him back.

  “Y’all go on back inside. And lock the doors,” he called as he ran toward the trees.

  She went to Martha Maye, taking her hand, and leading her into the house. “What was it? Was it a person? Could it have been an animal?”

  Martha Maye’s breathing was deep and heavy. “I saw a big black form, not five feet away—just standin’ there, real still like. It ran off soon as I got near to it, and . . . it was definitely not an animal, unless it was Squash Squash. He . . . or she . . . or it nearly scared the livin’ daylights outta me.”

  “It’s all right, Martha Maye. I don’t think there have been any Sasquatch sightings around here. You’re safe. I’m sure whoever it was is long gone, or else heaven help him if Jack gets a hold of him.”

  Martha Maye gripped Tess’s arm. “We should call John Ed.”

  “And tell him what? That you think you saw something? He’ll laugh his head off.”

  “Agggghhhhh. The audacity of that man. Then I’m callin’ Henry Clay.” Martha Maye got her cell phone out.

  “What for? Jack’s here . . . �
�� Tess let her sentence drift off when she could see Martha Maye was intent on making her call.

  Jack was gone for nearly five minutes. Just as Tess was starting to panic, he came walking back to the house with Ezzie in his arms. Tess watched for them out the front window and met them at the door.

  “I think she had a bead on him. She ran until her little legs couldn’t go any more. She may be small, but she’s fast. I think she could make quick work of somebody’s ankles, maybe even jump up to get a mouthful of butt.” He set Ezzie down.

  Tess bent to pat her. “That’s my big brave Esmerelda, yes you are . . . “

  “I’m gonna check around back, make sure nothing or no one is there. Be right back.” Jack disappeared around the side of the house. Tess took a panting Ezzie in for some water and a dog biscuit, closing and locking the door again.

  “Tessie, would you like to come ‘n stay with Mama and me? We’ve got room and we’d be glad to have ya.”

  “Thank you, Martha Maye, I appreciate that, but I’ll be fine.”

  Both women jumped when Ezzie let out a loud bark, followed by a knock at the front door.

  “Boy, she’s a good watch dog. She’s like Radar. She barks before something happens,” Tess said.

  “That’s prob’ly Henry Clay. I’ll get the door.” Martha Maye stopped and turned to Tess. “Is my hair all right?”

  Tess smiled. “It looks great.”

  Jack knocked on the back door, as Henry Clay came in the front.

  “Who wants cake and brownies?” Tess placed an overflowing plate on the table.

  “Now tell me again what happened.” Henry Clay grabbed a brownie off the top.

  “I don’t care what anybody says, I saw somethin’ or someone out in the pines,” Martha Maye told him. “And tell him about all the break-in episodes, Tess.”

  After filling Henry Clay in, he said, “I haven’t heard of anything like this ‘round these parts in all my born days.”

  “Henry Clay, you’ve lived here for a blue million years, but I’ve been gone so long, I’m outta the know. D’you know if Brick Lynch had ‘ny family? Any relatives that might still be livin’ ‘round here?”

  He pursed his lips and looked up into the air, thinking for a minute. Finally he said, “Well sure, he had a daughter who had a couple a kids. I b’lieve the son lives out on Brick’s old property, matta fact. His name’s Crate Marshall. He’s a biker-type, even though he’s so poor he'd have to borrow money to buy water to cry with. I ‘spect he spends all his money on his motorcycle and his beer. Don’t rightly know what he does for a livin’. He’s a real character. Mean and ornery. I wouldn’t wonta mess with him. Why ‘ont y’all just back offa this, and let Daddy figure it out.”

  “Because he doesn’t seem to believe there’s anything to figure out. He thinks I’m a hysterical female, prone to hissy fits with tails.” Tess gestured wildly in the air.

  “Wull, I’ll talk to him. Let me handle it, okay?” Henry Clay raised his eyebrows and looked at the others around the table. They nodded.

  “How’s the campaign goin’ Henry Clay?” Jack asked.

  “Oh, it’s comin’ along all right. It’d be a whole lot better if my esteemed opponent wasn’t so rich. I swear I think he buys a new car each time one gets wet. But he’s got one huge strike against him.”

  “Only one?” Martha Maye teased.

  “It’s a bigun. He dudn’t have the sense he was born with. The wheels are still turnin’, but the hamster’s dead, if ya know what I mean.”

  “Henry Clay, you’re so soft-spoken it’s funny to hear you say something like that,” Tess said.

  “Wull I don’t go runnin’ down Main Street hollerin’ it big as daylight, but I can form my own private opinions, can’t I? Y’all aren’t gonna blabber to the media are ya?”

  “No, I guess not.” Tess smiled, wondering if he wasn’t a bit of a dim bulb himself. “How long have you worked at the bank?”

  “Right about twenty years, ever since college.”

  “Oh? Where did you go?”

  “Duke University.”

  “Jack, I don’t think I ever asked where you went.”

  “Ole Miss,” he said. “And you went to UVA, is that right?”

  “Yes, how’d you know?”

  Before he could answer, Martha Maye interrupted with, “I went to Georgia State, that’s where I met ‘he who shall not be named.’”

  Tess put her hand on Martha Maye’s shoulder. “How are you doing with the divorce?”

  “Okay, I guess. Lord only knows when the divorce will be finalized.”

  “Whatta you mean?” Henry Clay cocked his head.

  “It’s just hard getting’ everything ironed out. Custody, possessions, finances, figurin’ out where my little Butterbean and I are gonna live. We can’t stay at Mama’s forever.”

  “How long have you been divorced?” Tess asked Henry Clay.

  “Oh, ‘bout four years now, I think,” he said. “You?”

  “Almost a year.”

  “A little over two years,” said Jack of himself.

  “This rightcheer’s like a support group! Ever one of us is divorced.” Henry Clay slammed the table with his hand. “We oughtta have weekly meetin’s or sumthin’. You know—like a support group does. Least to help Martha Maye out in this tryin’ time.”

  “Well I don’t see what it would hurt,” Jack said. “I’m in.”

  “Me too,” Tess said.

  “How about our first “official” group meeting at the Silly Goose in a few days?” Jack asked.

  “I think that’ll be good, but let me check my schedule when I get home. I never know what my CM has planned for me.”

  “Is Charlotte involved in the campaign?” Jack asked.

  “Naw. She helps out at headquarters, but that’s about it.”

  The four talked for a while longer, until Tess tried to stifle a yawn. Henry Clay looked at his watch. “Shoot. It’s almost midnight. I know what you’re thinkin’, Tess.”

  “You do? What’s that?” Her face flushed because of what she was thinking about Jack.

  “You’re thinkin’ the same thing my mama used to think when we used to have comp’ny who stayed and stayed.”

  They all looked at him, waiting for him to tell them what it was.

  “Once they’d finally left, she’d say, ‘We just wanted to have the neighbors over for dinner, we didn’t plan on takin’ ‘em to raise.’” They laughed at Henry’s falsetto voice, mimicking the voice of his mother.

  The men made one more sweep around Tess’s yard, and then Jack and Tess waved from the front porch as Martha Maye and Henry Clay left. Jack turned to Tess and said, “Well . . . “

  “Jack, thank you for a wonderful evening. You went to a lot of trouble and the picnic was truly special.”

  “Tess, will you be all right by yourself tonight?” He stepped closer to her, taking her into his arms.

  “I'll be fine. I have my guard dog, you know.”

  He kissed her softly at first, then deeper and harder. He pulled his lips from hers, but stood close, looking into her eyes. “There's more where that came from, anytime you're ready.” He kissed her again.

  I'm ready. Take me, take me now. But when he ended the kiss, she simply said goodnight.

  After he left, Tess turned out the lights on the first floor, and Ezzie followed her upstairs to get ready for bed. When the phone rang she was brushing her teeth. She looked down at Ezzie, who was lying on the floor. Ezzie looked back at Tess with her head resting on her paws, her eyeballs the only movement on her body.

  “That’s probably just Nick. He’ll be worried when I tell him what’s going on, and I don’t feel like getting into it right now. And if it’s Lou, she’ll just try to convince me to stay at her house. Let’s let it ring, Ezzie.” Ezzie’s tail thumped on the floor twice.

  The phone stopped ringing and went to voice mail, but the caller didn’t leave a message.

  Tess rubbed mo
isturizer on her face as she walked to her bed. She lay down, and Ezzie jumped up with her. “It’s been one heck of a night. This attraction to your daddy is getting out of hand.” Tess played with Ezzie’s ears. “But gosh, can that man kiss.”

  Thoughts swirled in Tess’s mind. Jack’s searing kisses, thoughts of Lou’s family tragedies, Martha Maye’s screams, it all replayed in her mind.

  The ringing phone startled her. “Oh, for Pete’s sake,” she said out loud, reaching for the phone. “Hello?”

  “Yer stickin’ yer nose where it does not belong,” a raspy voice whispered. She couldn’t tell if it was a man or a woman. She could barely hear what the person said.

  “And why is that?” she asked, in a voice that sounded stronger than she felt.

  “Just never you mind, missy,” the voice hissed. “Just stop being Mizz Sherlock Holmes or you’ll be sorry.”

  The line went dead.

  The Only Thing That Would Make Him Dumber Is If He Was Bigger

  tee-nincey: adjective tee-nine-see very, very small

  It doesn’t matter if it’s one litte bit, one tee-nincey bit, or one great big bit.

  [ July 2010 ]

  Tess had lay awake for hours after the ominous phone call, and she slept fitfully after that, until falling into a deep sleep sometime around dawn. When her alarm went off, she didn’t hear it and overslept. She was going to be late getting to Stafford’s if she didn’t hurry. She quickly dressed, rubbed Ezzie’s tummy, then closed her in the bedroom, grabbed her keys, and headed to the car. She yawned as she dialed the phone and listened to Jack’s voice mail message.

  At the beep she said, “Jack, this is Tess. I’m sorry to bother you, but I got a weird phone call late last night. I’m a little freaked out. Well, maybe a lot. I have to go to work right now, and I don’t want to discuss this around Lou. She said she didn’t need me for very long today, so I’ll be leaving the bookstore around two o’clock. Maybe we can talk then? Okay . . . bye.”