But right now my desire to be with him again is overpowering any misgivings I have.
“I want you,” I tell him.
He doesn’t give me a chance to change my mind. He pushes inside of me so quickly that I gasp.
“Does it hurt?” His voice is filled with concern.
“You surprised me,” I tell him. “Keep going.”
He places his palm on my cheek as he slowly moves in and out of me. His eyes seem to be searching mine.
“I’m falling in love with you,” he tells me.
My heart begins to race. It’s way too soon to be tossing the L-word around. But I can see by the seriousness of his expression that he means it.
That creates even more of a panic in me.
I need something to stop all of the thoughts that are now swimming around in my head.
“Go harder,” I tell him.
“Okay.” He sounds confused, but he does as I’ve instructed.
His drives become harder and deeper, and I allow myself to get lost in the moment.
The sex feels so much more intense without any barrier between our bodies. It doesn’t take long before I’m ready to come.
“Are you there?” he whispers between thrusts.
“Yes,” I reply breathlessly.
“Good. I want you to come with me.”
And that’s exactly what happens. We climax together and fall exhausted into each other’s arms.
Physically the sex was amazing and mind-numbing, but unfortunately the mindlessness doesn’t last.
Mentally and emotionally I quickly become a wreck.
When I glance over at Emerson he looks completely content. Like a baby with a blanket and a pacifier ready to drift off to sleep.
I, on the other hand, feel like I’m about to go nuts. When he pulls me into his arms he must feel the tension permeating my body.
“What’s wrong?” His face fills with worry.
“You just told me you love me,” I say for starters.
He laughs. “That’s a bad thing?”
“It’s a crazy thing.”
“No it’s not.”
“We’ve only known each other for a couple of days. It’s insane. No one falls in love that fast.”
He shrugs. “Apparently some do.”
“How can you be so nonchalant about this?” I’m so completely freaked out my voice sounds like it’s raised a full octave.
“I’m just telling you how I feel,” he replies.
“You don’t know that much about me,” I protest.
“I know enough. And I want to learn more. I like how I feel when I’m with you. And I don’t want to be with anyone else.”
I gulp. I have to admit that all of those things are true for me too. “I like how I feel when I’m with you too. And I want to know everything about you.”
He kisses my forehead. “What do you want to know first?”
“What took you so long to get over here?”
He sighs. “I ran into my dad. He offered to pay for a trip to travel through Europe as a graduation present.”
“Are you going to go?” Now I’m the one who feels a pang of possessiveness. I don’t like the idea of him traveling around Europe without me.
“I think it was my dad’s way of trying to help me get my freak on.” He pulls me tight. “I don’t think I need help in that department.”
“What are your plans after graduation?” I ask.
“I was going to take a week off to visit my mom in the Bahamas.”
“Oh…” my voice trails off. There’s that pang of possessiveness again. What is happening to me? I’ve never been one of those jealous types. Quite the opposite. I never really cared what the guys I was dating did when they weren’t with me.
“Want to come with me?” he asks.
I frown. “How would that work out?”
“You mean the logistics of it?”
“Exactly.”
“I’m not sure.”
“I don’t think my boss would give me the time off to go to the Bahamas with his son,” I remind him. “And it’s not like I could afford a trip like that anyway.”
I don’t even know what salary I’m earning yet.
“I could pay for your trip. That’s not a problem. It’s the first part I’m not that sure about.”
“How about after you get back from the Bahamas? What then?”
“I’m going to start applying for faculty positions. I’d like to teach physics at the college level. There’s not too much competition in the field right now, so I don’t think I’ll have too much of a problem finding something. I think it will be matter of where I want to go.”
“Where do you want to go?” I ask.
“Where are you going to be?”
The question hangs in the air for several long moments before I respond. “You can’t base an important career decision like what university you’ll teach at on where I’m going to be.”
“Why not?”
“Because it’s ridiculous,” I tell him. “This is your career we’re talking about. Your life. You’ve worked really hard to get to this point. You’re going to have a doctorate from Stanford. You could probably teach anywhere. I’m sure you could land an Ivy League position. You need to think about that.”
“I have,” he states matter-of-factly. “I still want to be where you’re going to be.”
I meet his gaze. I want to make sure he knows I’m serious. “You can’t do that. You can’t base your whole career on where I’m going to be. I won’t let you.”
“You can’t stop me.”
“I have no idea where I’m going to be. Or what I’m going to do. You can’t follow someone who has no idea where she’s going.”
“I don’t want to follow you, Madeline. I want to walk beside you, wherever you go.”
I realize it’s futile to argue with him. He seems to already have his mind made up, as ridiculous as it may be.
“Fine,” I tell him. “You win. But just so you know I don’t have my shit together like you do. My life fell apart after Nannygate, and I’m just starting to put the pieces back together again. That’s why I really don’t want to lose this job if I can help it.”
“I’ll do whatever I can to help you. Even if I have to accept you going out with Finn that’s what I’ll do. I don’t like it, but I’ll live with it.”
“Thank you.” I give him a kiss on the cheek.
He grabs me and puts his lips on mine. “Did I happen to mention how much I’m starting to love vanilla?”
I grin. “Really?”
He nods. “Maybe if I’m lucky I’ll get another taste of my vanilla girl.”
“Right now you seem to have all the luck in the world.”
***
As I rub the sleep from my eyes I realize I’m not alone in my bed. Emerson is still in bed with me. I must have fallen asleep in his arms.
He got very lucky. Several times. And we both passed out in utter exhaustion.
When I glance at the clock on the dresser I realize it’s nearly nine in the morning.
Shit! We must have been really exhausted. It’s already much later than I wanted to start work today.
If we’re still lucky Jackson won’t be up yet, and Emerson will be able to sneak back into the main house unnoticed.
I shake Emerson’s shoulder in an effort to wake him up.
He bolts upright and looks around. He seems disoriented. “What time is it?”
“Almost nine.”
His eyes go wide. “I never sleep this late.”
“Neither do I.”
He kisses my forehead. “I’ve got to get back in the house before Pop wakes up.”
“You do.” I nod.
He places his hand on my cheek. “I don’t really want to go.”
“You’ll be a few hundred yards away.”
“That’s too far away.”
In a way he’s right. When we have to pretend we’re not together it feels like there
’s a vast chasm between us.
“I won’t see you tonight,” I remind him.
“You won’t be out with him the entire night, will you?”
“I hope not.”
“Don’t let him touch you,” he tells me.
Sometimes that’s easier said than done. “I don’t want to make him suspicious.”
“You’re my woman.” Emerson’s jaw tightens and his lips become a thin line. “I’m the one who was inside of you all night. And part of me is still inside of you. Don’t forget that.”
I gulp. “I won’t.”
“Good.”
“I don’t want Finn.” I place my hand on his chest over his heart. “I want you.”
He nods. “I’d better get inside the house.”
He hops out of bed and quickly gets dressed. As I follow him out of bed I throw on my sweatshirt so I can see him to the door.
Before he exits he turns around and gives me a kiss. “I love you.”
He slips out the door before I have a chance to reply.
Six
I spend most of the morning responding to fan mail.
When I take my break for lunch I run into Jackson in the kitchen. He’s eating toast and drinking coffee.
“Maddie,” he says when he notices me. “How are things going?”
“I should have all of the fan mail taken care of in a few days. And I’ve already made posts on all of your social media sites. Your fans are very happy to see you on Facebook and Twitter.”
“That’s good.” He takes a sip of coffee.
I’m not sure if I should excuse myself, or stay and talk to him. It’s not really clear based on his body language.
When he pats the chair next to him I take a seat. Then he continues. “My asshole manager keeps annoying me about a new Blake Knox book. I guess the studio really wants to do another movie. They’ve got this hot actor who’s keen on playing the role.”
“That’s good, isn’t it?”
He shrugs. “I don’t know. I just haven’t been inspired to write anything. After my wife died I just didn’t have it in me anymore. I guess Blake was as much hers as he was mine.”
“Your wife’s been gone a long time. Ten years.”
He nods.
I’m not sure how personal I should get, but he did start the conversation. “Have you ever considered getting back in the saddle?”
I wait for a few seconds. He doesn’t immediately respond. He seems lost in his own thoughts.
“Sometimes an old dog is too old for new tricks,” he tells me.
I think about the photo I found of him and Emerson’s mother. “What about rekindling an old flame?”
Jackson’s eyes light up for a few moments when I mention old flame. Was he thinking what I was thinking?
His eyes catch mine. “You know that old saying about it being better to have loved and lost than never to have loved?”
“Alfred Lord Tennyson.”
“You would know. You’re the one with the Ivy League education.”
“You graduated from the University of Texas at Austin. That’s not too shabby either.”
“My point is that saying is bullshit. It’s better to not lose your love at all.”
“Do you mind if I ask you a question?”
He takes the final sip of his coffee. “Shoot.”
“What happened with you and Emerson’s mom?”
He runs his tongue over his teeth for several seconds before he begins. “My wife, Marilynn, and I had been married four years when we hit a bit of a rough patch. Things weren’t happening as fast as I wanted with my writing career, and I know I was difficult to live with. Elsie was one of my Creative Writing students. The moment I laid eyes on her I felt things I had never felt before. I loved Marilyn, but I was never crazy in love with her. That’s how I felt about Elsie. Everything about the situation was wrong. A married teacher having an affair with a student is never a good idea. The weekend I was going to tell Marilynn I was leaving her she told me she was diagnosed with MS. I didn’t know what to do. What kind of an asshole leaves his wife when she says something like that? I told Elsie about Marilynn’s diagnoses and as crazy as I was about her, I was going to do the right thing and stay with Marilynn. Elsie agreed. She told me that Marilyn would need me more than she did. Turns out she was right. Marilynn did need me. Elsie went back to the Bahamas for a while and got married to someone else. She didn’t tell me she was pregnant with my child until she had the baby. The guy she married took off not long after that. I guess he couldn’t handle raising someone else’s son.”
“Marilynn knew about Emerson?” I ask.
“She loved Emerson just as I much as I do. She always wanted him to be a part of our lives. Just not Elsie.”
I can’t even imagine what that must have been like for any of them. It seems like a painful situation all around.
“Do you ever think about trying to rekindle things with Elsie?” I ask as delicately as I can.
He shakes his head. “I don’t think she wants me to be a part of her life again. Not after everything that happened.”
I know it’s not my place, and I should really mind my own business, but my wheels are already spinning. I wonder if Emerson has ever thought about getting his parents back together again.
I don’t see how the idea could not have crossed his mind.
“I’d better get back to work,” I tell him. “If it’s okay I’m going to leave a little bit early this afternoon.”
He raises an eyebrow. “Do you have a date?”
A pretend one that I can’t get out of. “Sort of.”
“You’re young. Go out and have fun. I wish Emerson would go out instead of hiding in his room all night.”
I gulp. He definitely wasn’t hiding in his room last night.
“Take the car if you want,” he offers.
I shake my head. “I think I’m going to walk down the beach. It’s so beautiful out.”
“Enjoy yourself,” he tells me. “You’ve worked hard. You deserve it.”
“Thanks,” I tell him as I rise from the table.
***
I decide to wear a sundress and sandals. It’s an outfit that I hope says friendly date and No Sex Zone.
Walking down to the boardwalk ends up being a bit farther than it looked, so I’m tired and thirsty when I arrive at The Pub. I also realize a bit too late that now I’ll have to ask Finn for a ride home.
Not smart.
If I had driven I could have left when I wanted to and not had the pressure of the goodnight kiss at the front door. As good looking as he may be I don’t want to kiss Finn.
The only person I want to kiss is Emerson.
Finn’s face lights up the moment he spots me.
“You look amazing,” he tells me as he approaches.
Maybe the sundress isn’t saying what I had hoped. Or maybe I could have worn a sack and he would have complimented me.
It’s hard to tell.
Finn looks pretty good himself. He’s wearing tan dress slacks and a light blue button-down shirt that matches the color of his eyes.
A week ago, before I met Emerson, I might have considered actually dating him.
But looking at him now he seems so vanilla. Just like every other guy I’ve ever dated.
“I put our names on the waiting list for a table. It should only be a few minutes.”
“Great.” I try to sound enthusiastic about being here, but I just can’t stop thinking about Emerson and the hurt and anger in his voice when he said Finn’s name.
Not that I blame him. I’d probably feel the same way if he went out with another woman regardless of how innocent the date might be.
“I love Laguna,” Finn comments. “It’s a great little getaway from LA.”
“It’s growing on me,” I admit. “It’s nice to have a room with an ocean view.”
“How is the new job going?” he asks.
“You got your thousand dollars, didn’t you?�
��
He nods. “Thanks for not getting fired right away.”
I stiffen. It seems inevitable that I will get fired if things continue going the way they have been going with Emerson.
“What’s Jackson like?”
“He’s eccentric. Definitely reclusive. He’s extremely laidback. Almost too laidback. It’s like he stopped living when his wife died. He doesn’t answer his cellphone. He doesn’t respond to emails. He lumps all social media together and calls it Facetwat.”
Finn laughs.
“It’s like he’s not living in the twenty-first century like everyone else.”
“It sounds like you have your work cut out for you.”
“He seems to think I’m doing a good job so far.” Of course he doesn’t know I’m engaging in hanky-panky with his son.
A hostess approaches Finn. “Your table is ready.”
She bats her long lashes at him in an obvious attempt at flirting. If this was a real date I’d be a little pissed.
Finn seems to soak up the attention like a sponge.
We’re seated at a beach view table so we’ll get to catch the last vestiges of the beautiful sunset.
When the waiter stops at our table Finn orders us both Sunset on the Beach drinks, which is cute.
“Hope you don’t mind that I ordered you a drink,” he says when the waiter disappears.
“It’s fine,” I tell him.
“I just thought they’d go with the view.”
We both look out at the sun setting on the horizon. The sky is turning beautiful shades of orange and red. It’s so gorgeous it looks like a painting.
Is it terrible for me to think that I’d rather be sitting here enjoying the evening with Emerson?
But how exactly would that happen? We’d both have to sneak out of the house at different times and meet somewhere and hope we didn’t get caught.
And what if Jackson happened to look for us? Like that wouldn’t be suspicious at all.
Then I wonder if the two of us will ever be able to have any kind of a normal relationship.
Not if I plan to continue working for Jackson anyway.
“Is everything okay?” Finn asks.
“Sure,” I lie.
“You seem a little preoccupied.”
“I think I’m just tired. It was a lot of work just getting Jackson’s office organized.”
So Far Away (California Dreamers #2) Page 9