The Kobold Wizard's Dildo of Enlightenment +2

by The Kobold Wizard's Dildo of Enlightenment +2 (mobi)

  Todd takes the chicken skin off of his face and throws it at his sister.

  “Quit it!” Jenny cries, her chubby cheeks becoming red with frustration. “Todd, you’re grounded!”

  Even though she’s only ten years old, Jenny is a bossy little kid. Their parents let her have her way so much that she thinks she can order her older brothers around. She will often tell them when they are grounded or in trouble. She makes sure that they are always following the rules.

  “You can’t ground me!” Todd says. “I’m an orc!”

  He grabs her by the arm and pulls on it, knocking her drumstick out of her hand. When Jenny sees her dinner on the floor, she screams at the top of her lungs like a spider has just crawled into her underwear.

  “Goddamnit!” The father puts his plate of food down, gets out of his lazy boy, and goes to the dinner table.

  “Todd, leave your sister alone!” the father says, standing in the dining room entryway with his tight white shorts pulled up too high. “I don’t want to hear one more word out of any of you!”

  “But dad,” Jenny says, “he threw my chicken on the floor! Then he stepped on it and spit on it!”

  When telling on her brothers, Jenny always exaggerates so that they will get into more trouble. However, unlike their mother, their father doesn’t give a shit.

  “Just wash it off,” says the dad. “It’s fine.”

  Jenny looks at the chicken on the floor and pouts.

  The dad looks at Aaron. “Keep your brother and sister under control. If I have to come in here on more time I’m taking your friends home and they won’t be spending the night.”

  Aaron nods his head. When the dad leaves the room, Aaron makes an angry double-chin face to mock his dad. Everyone snickers quietly. It even cheers up Jenny, who always laughs when Aaron makes the double-chin face. Before they get into trouble again, they decide to sneak their food into Aaron’s room, to continue playing Dungeons and Dragons while they finish eating.

  “Where were we again?” Aaron asks.

  None of them remember.

  “Mark just killed my bugbear,” Todd says.

  “Okay, so you’re in the study,” Aaron says.

  Jenny says, “I’m still in the first room because I didn’t want to be around those naked pervert monsters.”

  “Okay, let’s go back to her then,” Todd says. “I want to get into a real battle now.”

  “If you want a real fight,” my player says, “we should go through the double doors in the first room, the one where all the gnoll footprints lead.”

  “Yeah, let’s go there!” Todd says.

  “Okay,” Aaron says. “You go through the double doors and arrive in a great dining hall . . .”

  10: Dining Room

  The dinner table in this room is large enough to accommodate twelve people. It is vacant at this time but seems to have been used in the recent past. We decide to eat some dinner at this table, gathering gnoll food from the kitchen in area 12. As we dine, our players pretend to be us in the real world, eating the rest of their food as if it were the food of the gnolls.

  “Ahh!” says The Dwarf Lord, tossing the bone of his drumstick at the wall behind him. “That was a fine meal for a barbarian dwarf!”

  In the real world, Aaron yells at his brother for throwing food into his laundry basket. Todd doesn’t break character.

  “But I’m a barbarian!” says the dwarf. “I don’t clean up after myself.” He turns to Robyn Woodsong. “Wench, clean it up for me!”

  “No way!” says Robyn Woodsong.

  Loxi gets up, flicks Dwarfy’s ear as hard as she can, and retrieves the bone. The dwarf rubs his ear as she drops the bone back into his plate.

  “So where should we go next?” I ask, having finished my food quite a while ago and am ready to move on.

  Besides the two doors that lead into the kitchen, there are two doors out of this room. One to the east and double doors to the south.

  “Let me check them for traps,” Juzii says.

  She checks the doors. Both of them are locked. She gets on her knees and uses her Open Locks skill. She is successful with both doors.

  “I think we should split up!” says the dwarf. “I’ll go in the southern doors with Delvok and Robyn! The rest of you can go through the other door!”

  We look at each other.

  “Splitting up would not be logical,” Delvok says. “There is safety in numbers.”

  “Then all of you go one way and I’ll go the other!” Dwarfy says. “I want to kill something on my own without anyone’s help!”

  “I think splitting up is a good idea,” Loxi says, looking down at me.

  Juzii comes to me as well. “Yeah, we could use some time alone with the halfling.”

  “So that’s three votes saying we should split up!” says the dwarf. “Who is the tie breaker?”

  Loxi lifts my hand for me. “He votes we separate as well.”

  Before I could say, “No I don’t,” Juzii covers my mouth with her hand.

  “It is decided!” says The Dwarf Lord. He points his battle axe at the doors to the south. “Onwards, to battle!” Then he charges through. Robyn and Delvok follow after.

  “Looks like we got you to ourselves,” Loxi says, pressing her bare breasts into my face.

  “Don’t worry, we’ll take good care of you,” Juzii says, licking her Asian elven lips.

  19a-19b Servants’ Rooms

  I lead the elf women down a hallway and discover two rooms, both which are servant barracks. There are three goblins (AC: 9, HD 1-1, hp 3, 2, 2, #AT 1, D 1-3) in area 19b, which are servants to the Gnoll King and his men. The goblins are weak and old. They’re not up for any kind of fight.

  “Goblins?” Loxi says, drawing her swords. “Sorry, buddies, but you’re not allowed to watch.”

  “Watch what?” I ask.

  Loxi corners the sickly goblin men and hacks them down one at a time. Her tan naked breasts bounce up and down as her sword plunges into goblin skulls. They try to defend themselves, but their attacks can’t touch her. They shriek and beg for mercy.

  When there is only one of them left, I say, “Let me talk to him. I speak goblin.”

  “They are scum,” Juzii says, standing above me. “Let them die like scum.”

  Loxi cuts the throat of the final goblin and then wipes her blade and her breasts off on the cleanest bed sheet she can find.

  “Now, let’s get to it,” Loxi says as she walks toward me.

  “Get to what?” I say.

  “Sex,” Juzii says, kneeling down to pull off my chainmail.

  Damn horny teenagers. They’re already starting with the pervy bullshit. Why can’t they just invent a porn RPG for these kids to play and leave me out of it.

  I pull away from the elves. They both just laugh at me.

  “You can’t resist, tiny man,” Loxi says. “We’re almost twice as big as you.”

  I go for the door.

  “No you don’t,” Loxi says. “Juzii, get him!”

  Juzii waves her fingers and casts Hypnotism on me. My player fails the saving throw and I become under her control.

  “Take off your clothes and submit to us,” Juzii commands.

  I am not able to deny this request while under her spell. I slip out of my chainmail and underclothing. The elf girls giggle at the size of my penis.

  “He is like a little boy,” Juzii says.

  “I know,” Loxi says. “I like it. Sex with halflings is like a legal way to indulge my pedophilia fetish.”

  “You have a pedophilia fetish?” Juzii asks.

  “I have every fetish,” Loxi says.

  Juzii laughs, then turns to me. “Then we should roleplay that he’s a child we’ve abducted, and we’re going to molest him.”

  “Good idea,” Loxi says. “Let’s tie him up before the spell wears off.”

  I agree to lie on a goblin bed as they tie my limbs to the bedposts.

  “Hey little boy,” Loxi sa
ys, rubbing her thin fingers down my chest to my penis. She stares up at me with her Asian eyes and blows on my penis until it becomes erect. Then she puts it in her mouth for a second and rolls it around on her tongue.

  Then she says, “It’s so small I could swallow it whole.”

  In the real world, I notice that it’s just Mark and Aaron in the room. Since the others aren’t playing in this section, they’ve decided to go play Lego Star Wars on the Nintendo WII. Mark feels kind of awkward roleplaying an erotic session with just the two of them in the room. He is not at all into the whole bondage/pedophilia thing.

  But the Dungeon Master is doing this not for Mark’s benefit, but for his own. Now that I’m tied down, there’s not really anything Mark can do to participate in the game. He just has to sit back and let Aaron describe what his NPCs are doing.

  Aaron has a fetish for Asian girls. He also likes the idea of being molested by older women. Juzii, the Japanese elf, was created by Aaron to resemble his 8th grade English teacher. She was a young teacher, in her mid-twenties, who was born in Japan. She also was kind of a cyber goth. Although she didn’t look it anymore, she used to be a goth/rave girl when she was in college. She always talked about how she used to look as a way to relate to her students.

  To say Aaron had a crush on his teacher would be an understatement. Every night, Aaron would fantasize about having sex with his teacher. He wanted her to seduce him to come home with her and then keep him in a cage. He wanted her to molest him every night and use him as her sex slave. This is why he has Juzii going after me, the halfling. It’s like he’s acting out his fantasies with his English teacher.

  Juzii removes her latex clothes and crawls on top of me, her body blocking out all light. Her mass twice mine as she peers down at me with those dark hungry eyes. Then Loxi comes up behind her and gives her oral sex. Juzii shoves her breasts into my face and moans softly. Then she kisses me, her lips covering most of the lower half of my face.

  Loxi grabs my penis between Juzii’s legs and strokes it until it is erect again. Then Loxi pulls off her jeans and squats down on top of me, sliding my tiny penis into her enormous vagina.

  Juzii turns around and presses her hairless vagina into my face. It is a known fact that elves do not have any body hair, not on their arms, legs, armpits, or pubic region. Halflings, however, tend to be attracted to body hair on women, especially pubic hair.

  “If you cum too soon and lose your erection I’m going to stab you with a poisoned dagger,” Loxi says to me. She fucks me with all of her weight crushing my midsection. Her thighs on each side of me are as big as my entire torso.

  Juzii forces me to give her oral sex. She commands me to tickle her clit with my tiny tongue. For some reason, the Dungeon Master describes her pussy taste as similar to butterscotch and peaches. She whimpers as she reaches orgasm.

  My player can tell the Dungeon Master is getting way too into all of this. It’s getting a little too creepy for him. Mark knows all about the fantasies Aaron has had involving his 8th grade English teacher. Mark found the idea rather disturbing. Not because the teacher wasn’t an attractive woman, but because Aaron is a zit-faced morbidly obese cripple who was perhaps the ugliest kid in the school. The idea of that woman keeping Aaron as a sex slave was an incredibly disgusting image. Even more disgusting to Mark is watching Aaron drool all over his maps and notes as he describes the actions of the two elf women.

  When Juzii cums against my face, she grinds her massive weight into me, driving my head down onto the wooden goblin bed. I lose 2 hit points in the process.

  Then it’s Loxi’s turn. She unties me and I find myself fucking her doggie-style, my chest bouncing against her globular butt cheeks. I can’t really see anything past her wide fleshy mounds. Her ass is so big compared to me that I feel like my entire body might get sucked within.

  As I have sex with the elf, my player rolls every round to see how successful my strikes are. He has to make rolls against my dexterity and strength to see how long I can last. The elf moans as she slams her ass against my body. Juzii kisses my neck and presses her breasts against my back.

  Mark rolls a critical hit, causing me to succeed in giving Loxi a powerful orgasm. Then his ejaculation roll succeeds, just barely, as I cum inside of Loxi’s deep cavernous meat tunnel.

  Deep cavernous meat tunnel is the exact phrase the Dungeon Master used to describe Loxi’s vagina.

  When we are done, the elf girls pat me on the head like they would a puppy who had just performed a neat trick. Then we get back into our clothing.

  As I put my chainmail back on, I notice the girls are staring at me, giggling.

  “What?” I say.

  They turn away from me and laugh at each other, then look back.

  “What?” I say.

  Loxi pulls up her jeans over her bald dripping vagina and buckles her Bullet Belt of Protection +3.

  Then she says, “You just got Scrot Rot, bitch!”

  Both girls laugh.

  “Scrot Rot?” I ask.

  “We gave you our STD,” Juzii says.

  Aaron explains to my player that many elves are carriers of the Scrot Rot disease, but it doesn’t effect elvenkind. Only the people elves have sex with.

  “What?” I say. “You think that’s funny?”

  They high-five each other.

  I realize now that I have the Scrot Rot STD, I have a –2 adjustment to my constitution and –1 adjustment to my charisma.

  “This is bullshit!” I say.

  “Elf pussies will rot your balls off!” Loxi says.

  They continue to tease me as we leave the room.

  In the real world, Todd, Buzz, and Jenny are bored of waiting around and they want to play again. The Dungeon Master focuses on their quest now, and my player is forced to leave Aaron’s bedroom for a while. He decides to play Left 4 Dead in Todd’s room.

  When they’re ready for him, I am back in the game.

  11: Throne Room

  When I enter this chamber, I find The Dwarf Lord, Delvok, and Robyn Woodsong in the middle of a fight with 7 gnoll marauders (AC: 5, MV 9”, HD 2, hp 15, 15, 14, 14, 14, 13, 13, #AT 1, D: halberds, 1-10). One marauder is already dead and two are wounded. Although this is the throne room, the Gnoll King is not present. These guards were protecting the king’s throne from intruders when Dwarfy and the others stumbled into them.

  The gnolls are even larger and more ferocious than I expected. They surround Dwarfy and Robin Woodsong, growling and barking at them in gnoll-tongue.

  Delvok is in the back, firing arrows at the gnolls. Judging by all of the arrows sticking out of the walls and floor, he hasn’t been too successful at hitting any of his opponents.

  When Delvok sees the elf girls and I approaching him, he says, “I was correct in the assessment that splitting up the party was a bad idea. The Dwarf Lord is down to nearly half of his hit points and I am down to two.”

  “You should cast heal,” I tell him.

  “I am considering retreat before healing,” Delvok says.

  “Retreat sounds good,” I say. “I don’t see how we stand a chance otherwise. I mean, look at those gnolls. Avoiding them is far more preferable to fighting them. I think we should run away and come back later.”

  “I suggest we run away and do not come back later at all,” Delvok says.

  We back away, wondering if we should tell our companions to flee or leave them here so they can keep the gnolls occupied while we make our escape. I’m voting for the latter, probably because my player doesn’t want to have to deal with Todd or Jenny anymore.

  Robyn Woodsong is down to her last hit point, but doesn’t realize how serious her situation is. Her player doesn’t really know what hit points are for.

  “Don’t worry,” Robyn says. “My magic will save us all!”

  Then she casts Turn All Monsters Into Happy Dancing Leprechauns That Want To Be Best Friends With Everyone. Nothing happens, of course, because her player was just making up fake sp
ells again. So Robyn Woodsong just waves her hands around, pretending to cast a spell. Then a gnoll chops her head off with the blade of his halberd polearm.

  “Crap!” cries The Dwarf Lord. “We lost the bard! Her head’s been cut clean off!”

  In the real world, Jenny tells her older brother that he’s not allowed to kill her character. He tells her it’s too late, she’s already dead. She runs out of the room and tells their dad Aaron killed her character and spit in her face and used bad language, but her dad tells her it’s time to go to bed and that she should leave her brother alone.

  “They’re too much for you,” I yell at The Dwarf Lord. “Let’s just get out of here.”

  The Dwarf Lord chops a gnoll’s leg off and then stomps on its chest as it hits the ground.

  “Never!” Dwarfy says. “I’ll kill them all!”

  I shrug and turn to the others. “Escape?”

  “Escape,” they all say, nodding their heads.

  The three of us run to the exit to the south. While Juzii picks the lock to the door, we watch The Dwarf Lord get hit with halberds from two different sides.

  “Do you think he has a chance?” I ask Delvok.

  “None at all,” Delvok says.

  Dwarfy slashes with his battle axe, attacking them one at a time.

  “Attack me all you want!” he yells at the gnolls. Then he staggers back as one of them hits him in the chest again. “But you will now all fall to the power and the might and the steel of The Dwaaaaaaaarf Looooooord!”

  Then the dwarf stretches out his arms and unleashes his special barbarian ability: the berserker rage. With the extra hit points and attack bonuses, he charges the gnolls, ready to take them on all by himself.

  The rest of us decide not to wait around to see what’s going to happen to him. We flee as soon as the dwarf uses his rage.