The Kobold Wizard's Dildo of Enlightenment +2

by The Kobold Wizard's Dildo of Enlightenment +2 (mobi)

  20a-c, 21b, 22b: Prison Cells

  We come to a hallway lined with prison cells. As Delvok casts Cure Light Wounds to bring his hit points back up to 6, the rest of us examine the cells. Inside, there are gnomes, goblins, and orcs separated by race and gender. Juzii picks the locks to free the gnomes, but she decides to leave the orcs and goblins in their cells. The orcs become enraged by the elf woman for not letting them out.

  “You can rot in there,” Loxi tells them in orcish.

  “Let me out so I can kill you!” yells the alpha orc. “I will rape your ugly elf cunt!”

  Loxi laughs at him, grabs her tits, and points them at him like crossbows. “Just try it, limp dick.”

  The orc slams his head into the bars of his cage, trying to get out. His friends reach out at her, swinging fists in her direction. Loxi draws a broad sword and cuts one of their arms off and walks away.

  Most of the goblins do not have the energy to complain. They are defeated, worn down slaves of the gnolls. They no longer understand the meaning of freedom. All of them except for one goblin. It is a female goblin, staring at me through the bars. She has yellow eyes and green skin with black stripes tattooed across the sides of her arms and legs. The others are yellow-skinned with red eyes and circular tattoos. They must belong to separate clans. She just watches me as the gnomes are released and the other humanoids, including herself, are left to rot.

  There are seven gnomes. Two adult females, two male children, and three female children.

  “We are trying to get downstairs,” Juzii tells the gnomes. “Have you seen the entrance to the dungeon?”

  The gnomes shake their heads. Most of the children are in shock. Only one of the adult females is able to function. Many of them are covered in fresh blood. It appears that many of their friends and family were recently massacred in front of them.

  “We need to get downstairs,” Loxi says. “Can you help us or not?”

  “We’ve only just arrived,” says the female gnome.

  “We can’t take you with us,” Juzii says. “If you’re not going to be of any use to us you’ll have to stay here. You’ll only slow us down.”

  “You can’t leave us,” the gnome says.

  “It would not be logical for you to accompany us,” Delvok says in gnomish, with a Vulcan accent. “Where we are going will only put you into greater danger. If we succeed in our mission we will come back for you. However, it might be more prudent for you to attempt an escape on your own.”

  I consider telling them about the gnome we met at the gates of the keep, but decide that might not be the best thing for them to hear right now. Our dwarf companion did slaughter him mercilessly.

  “But I don’t know what to do without you,” the gnome says, then she begins to cry. “They’re just children. Won’t you help us free these children? You can continue your quest after they are safe.”

  Loxi points her sword at the gnome. “I’m helping you by not cutting your head off right now. That’s about as much as you’ll get out of me.”

  She turns to me. “You understand, don’t you? You’ll help us.”

  I shake my head. “I’m sticking with my group. If they refuse to help you then you’re on your own.”

  She cries and buries her large nose into my chest.

  “If you’re too scared to escape on your own just wait here,” I say. “We’ll get you on the way back.”

  “Promise?” she asks.

  “Yeah, I promise,” I say.

  Loxi laughs. “As long as he survives that long, that is.”

  21a: Food Storage

  Juzii unlocks the door on the other side of the gnome’s prison cell. We enter the room to discover barrels of water and crates of food. The water is brown and smells of rust. The food is rancid and maggoty. This is what the gnolls are feeding to their prisoners.

  “The gnomes couldn’t survive off of this,” I say.

  “Yeah,” Loxi says. “But the orcs and goblins probably love it. They can live off of pretty much anything.”

  Juzii discovers a secret door on the east wall. She opens it and we follow her in.

  22a: Equipment Storage

  This is where the gnoll guards keep the personal belongings of their prisoners. There’s some orc armor and weapons, but almost anything of value has already been claimed.

  The southern wall of the room faces the goblin cage. The goblin girl is now on this side of her cell, staring at me through the bars. As Juzii searches for another secret door, the goblin waves me over to her.

  “Pssst,” says the goblin girl.

  I go over to her.

  “What?” I say in goblinese.

  “Dungeon help?” whispers the goblin girl. “Itaa help you.”

  The others notice me talking to the goblin, but since none of them know the language they ignore us.

  “How?” I say.

  “Itaa know castle better anyone,” she says. “Itaa show dungeon. Itaa know dungeon.”

  “Are you lying?” I ask.

  “Itaa no lie,” she says.

  “Your name is Itaa?” I ask.

  “Itaa Tohiish,” she says.

  I turn to the elf women. “This goblin says she can show us the way into the dungeon.”

  Juzii and Loxi look at each other, then approach the goblin.

  “Ask her to tell us how to get there,” Loxi says.

  “They want you to tell us how to get there,” I tell the goblin.

  “Let Itaa out,” she says. “Itaa tell.”

  “She wants us to let her out first,” I say.

  “Tell her that if she’s lying I will cut her throat,” Loxi says.

  I tell her. Itaa’s yellow eyes grow wide. “No lie, no lie,” Itaa says. Then Juzii lets her out of the cage.

  “We can’t let your friends out,” I tell her, gesturing to the other goblins.

  “Friends?” Itaa says with an annoyed tone, looking down at the yellow goblins with disgust. “No friends. These worthless gaa’taat.” Then she spits on them as the cage door closes them in. “Not Itaa clan.”

  Itaa goes straight for the boxes of equipment in the center of the room. She takes out a short bow and a quiver of arrows.

  “No weapons,” Loxi says.

  The goblin stares with empty yellow eyes at her.

  “I’ll carry your weapons for now,” I tell Itaa.

  “Itaa good with arrow,” Itaa says. “Itaa help with fight.”

  “Sorry,” I tell her. “They don’t trust you.”

  The goblin girl nods and hands me her weapon. I put it in my Bag of Holding.

  “Good bow,” says Itaa. “Take care.”

  I agree. Then we leave the room through a secret door on the east wall.

  23a: Wolf Cage

  The next room is filled with the bodies of six dead wolves. Judging by the state of their decay, they must have been killed only recently, within the past day or two. They don’t even stink much yet. These wolves were most likely the pets and companions of the gnolls, before they were killed.

  When the goblin girl sees the dead wolves, she snickers.

  “What?” I say, as she laughs.

  “Itaa kill wolves,” she says. “Poison to dead.”

  She continues to laugh.

  “You poisoned the gnolls’ pets?” I ask.

  “Yes,” Itaa says, kicking one of them in the head. “Itaa hate gnolls. Itaa like kill wolves.”

  She slaps her little green knee and laughs louder.

  “Would you mind calming her down?” Delvok asks. “We are next door to a guard station.”

  I tell Itaa to keep quiet. She nods at me.

  “Itaa quiet,” she says in a not-quiet voice.

  23c: Guard Barracks

  This is the guard post and barracks for the gnolls who keep watch on the prisoners. There are only two gnoll guards here, one sleeping in a chair, the other sleeping on a bunk so small that all of its hairy limbs are off the sides and draped across the floor.
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br />   “Shit,” I whisper at Delvok. “More gnolls.”

  Delvok nods at me, then whispers, “I will handle this.”

  He waves his hands and casts Sleep on the sleeping gnolls. Then he raises his eyebrows at me, as if digging for compliments.

  “What the fuck was that?” I ask Delvok in a near yelling voice.

  “What?” Delvok says.

  “They were already asleep!” I yell. “Why the fuck did you waste your only wizard spell to put two gnolls to sleep when they were already fucking asleep?”

  Delvok tries to keep his calm. “We are not in a position to fight gnolls. It seemed logical to keep them asleep.”

  “Well, we could have at least tried to sneak past them first,” I said. “If they happened to wake up then it would be the time to cast Sleep on them.”

  “I do not see your logic,” Delvok says.

  “That spell really could’ve come in handy later,” I said. “You wasted it for nothing.”

  “It will only be wasted if we continue to debate this topic until the spell wears off,” Delvok says. “I suggest we move on.”

  I shake my head, then turn to the goblin. “Which way?”

  Itaa points to the north door.

  “Itaa know shortcut,” she says.

  Juzii picks the lock and we enter.

  23b: Closet

  We squeeze into this tiny room and close the door. There aren’t any doors or windows in this room.

  “Now what?” I ask.

  “Down,” Itaa says, pointing at the floor.

  She pulls back a rug to reveal a trapdoor leading to the dungeon below. It is a trash shoot, used by the Gnolls to dump pieces of dead prisoners. The hole is incredibly narrow, too small for most humanoid-sized creatures.

  Itaa opens the door and sticks her legs in, ready to climb down.

  “We can’t fit through there,” Juzii says.

  “Yeah, that’s too small of a space,” Loxi says. “Even if I could get my ass through, I’d get stuck at my bust.”

  I grab the goblin before she drops down.

  “Wait,” I tell Itaa. “It’s too small for the elves.”

  “Huh?” Itaa says, looking at the manhole and then the elves, then back and forth again, until she understands her mistake. “Oh. Boobelf no fit. Hrmm.”

  She puts her thin fingers against her round little chin. “There another way, but this way problem.”

  I tell the others about the alternate route that Itaa explains to me. The main stairs to the lower floors is in area 15 of the map. We can get to it through area 17. However, the door to area 17 is Wizard Locked from the outside. Since we don’t have a Knock spell, the only way through would be to open the door to this area from the other side.

  “Itaa go down this way and come up other side,” Itaa says. “Itaa open door for you.”

  I tell the others her plan.

  “You go with her,” Loxi says.

  “Me?” I ask.

  “You’re the only other person who can fit down there,” Loxi says.

  “It is logical that she would attempt an escape if she goes alone,” Delvok says. “It would be prudent for you to accompany her on this quest.”

  Itaa agrees that I should go with her.

  “Come with Itaa, Halfman,” she says. “We two go.”

  She slides through the trap door. I look down at the darkness below and then look back at my companions.

  “Hurry up,” Loxi says. “She might prepare an ambush for you if you wait too long.”

  I take a deep breath and then slide down after her.

  4: Garbage Pile

  I land next to Itaa in a pile of bones and refuse. I was wrong about the gnolls throwing bodies of dead prisoners down this trash shoot. The gnolls must eat the dead prisoners first and then toss the scraps down here. The stench of rotten meat is thick in the air.

  “Mmmm,” the goblin says. “Food pile make Itaa hungry.”

  I nearly vomit when she pulls a large maggot out of a gnome skull’s eye socket and slurps it down. Then I look down at my hands and they are also covered in maggots and rotten flesh.

  “No time for eat,” Itaa says, staring at my hands as if she thought I was planning on eating the clumps of rot in my fingers.

  She wipes the maggots out of my hands, and then helps me to my feet. She licks her fingers as we leave the room.

  3: Owlbear Den

  In this room, there is a sleeping owlbear (AC5; HD 5+2; hp 29; #Att 3; Dmg 1d6 x2, 2d6) chained to the wall. Itaa tells me the owlbear was put here by the gnolls to act as a guardian of the dungeon levels of Tardis Keep.

  “Sneak,” Itaa tells me.

  She uses Move Silently to get along the outside of the wall toward the door. I follow her. Although the owlbear is chained, it has quite a bit of reach. The chain also doesn’t look very strong. We wouldn’t want to wake this creature. The two of us alone would not do very well against it, especially with Itaa unarmed.

  1: Hallway

  We escape the owlbear without waking it and enter an empty hallway. I go to the only door in the hall, assuming it leads upstairs.

  “Not that way,” Itaa says.

  She leads me to the end of the hallway.

  “Secret place,” she says, as she feels along the north wall.

  When she hits the proper brick, the door slides open.

  “Only Itaa knows here,” she says. “This is Itaa’s secret place.”

  Then she leads me inside and closes the secret door behind us.

  2: Itaa’s Room

  Inside this room, there are small wooden chairs and a table, a bed of straw on a stone ledge, and boxes of preserved food.

  “This Itaa’s place,” she says.

  Then she explains how she hides in this room whenever she escapes the gnolls. She lived in the ruins of this keep with her people long before the gnolls moved in and took over. The gnolls killed most of her tribe, because they resisted. Itaa survived. This has been her secret room since she was a kid.

  “What are we doing here?” I ask her. “Do you need to retrieve your belongings before we escape the keep?”

  Itaa grunts. She pulls a suit of leather armor out of a chest and holds it up to her body.

  “Need protection,” she says.

  I notice the armor doesn’t look like the armor of a goblin. It is too well-constructed, intricately designed.

  “Where did you get this armor?” I ask.

  She looks at me with her blank yellow eyes and grins. “Halfgirl thief,” she says. “She raid Itaa home for gold and Itaa kill with trap. Itaa take halfgirl armor.”

  It worries me to know that Itaa killed a female halfling to get this armor. It also is a pity, because judging by the shape of the clothing that halfling thief must have had an incredibly sexy body. I can imagine (or maybe it’s my player and DM who are imagining) that she looked incredibly hot in that outfit. Much hotter than Itaa will probably look in it, that’s for sure.

  Itaa lays the leather outfit over her bed and then strips out of her clothing, not in the least bit shy to be naked in front of me. From behind, she actually has a nice body even though she’s a goblin. The Dungeon Master explains her ass to my player in great detail. Shiny green water balloons is one of the many descriptions the DM gives to my player. While examining her body from behind, I realize how similar she looks to halfling females. Aside from the green skin, bald head and batwing-like ears, our races are not much different.

  When she turns around, I notice that from the front her body is even more attractive. She has curvy hips and perky little breasts with green nipples. Itaa sees me ogling her body and smiles at me with sharp pointy little teeth.

  “Itaa want Halfman, too,” she says.

  I back up, realizing what my player is trying to get me into.

  “Itaa owe Halfman for giving Itaa freedom,” she says.

  Then she tosses her clothes down and leans seductively against her bed, sticking out her breasts and slightly spreading
her legs to expose her vagina, its lips a darker shade of green.

  “Shouldn’t we get back to the others?” I ask.

  She beckons me to come near her. “Itaa want Halfman.”

  I don’t think I like where this is going. It is nothing new in my world to end up having sex with slutty humanoids all the time, but they are usually not goblinoids. I have slept with gnomes, dwarves, humans, dozens of elves (who always seem the sluttiest), and of course I’ve been raped by trolls, orcs, bugbears, and an ogre once shoved me up his ass. But I’ve never had sex with a goblin before, nor has any non-playable race of humanoid ever tried to seduce me.

  Her glossy yellow eyes draw me toward her. I have to admit that I am kind of attracted to her. I’m sick of sleeping with humanoids that are bigger than me. I’m always being molested by humans and elves. At least this goblin is my size, perhaps even a little shorter.

  When I come to her she pulls me up onto the bed and helps me out of my clothes. Then she kisses me gently with her dark green lips. At first I withdraw from her kiss, thinking her mouth will be putrid from her unhealthy diet of bugs and rotten meat, but she doesn’t taste rotten. Her saliva is strong, but it is more of a pine flavor, and it gives me a stinging sensation when her forked tongue enters my mouth.

  “Itaa like Halfman kiss,” she says. “More soft than goblin.”

  Naked with the goblin girl in her straw bed, we wrap ourselves around each other, our kisses becoming more passionate. I suck on her green nipples and squeeze her firm goblin ass. She licks my back up to my shoulders, then curls her tongue into my armpits. She focuses on my armpits a lot, sucking on them and gently biting the soft under flesh, as if armpits are an erogenous area for goblins. I decide to reciprocate and lick her armpits, but not for very long because the taste is not to my liking. Her armpit sweat seems filled with intense goblin pheromones that taste like chili peppers. Next thing I know our foreplay heats up to the point that we attack each other, rolling around in the straw.