The Kobold Wizard's Dildo of Enlightenment +2

by The Kobold Wizard's Dildo of Enlightenment +2 (mobi)

  When the figures become clear, we fall back. The figures are seven elderly men. All of them are masturbating furiously, staring at Loxi’s nude breasts.

  “What the fuck?” Loxi says.

  The men don’t realize we can see them. They just continue masturbating and licking their lips.

  “Have these guys been following us around this whole time?” Juzii asks. “Watching us while invisible?”

  “They saw when we had sex?” I ask, meaning when I had sex with Loxi and Juzii, not with Itaa.

  “Ewwwww,” Loxi says, cringing at the elderly men.

  She shakes her hands as if trying to shake the dirty thoughts out of her head. The old men masturbate more furious when she shakes her hands, because the movement makes her boobs bounce up and down.

  “Can we make them invisible again?” I ask.

  Juzii shakes her head. “Just got to wait until the spell wears off.”

  “How long will that be?” Loxi says.

  “A while,” Juzii says.

  A long pause. We just stare at them for a few moments as they masturbate in our direction.

  “Sooooo,” I say, breaking the awkward silence. “Now what?”

  “Uhhh,” Juzii says. “Wait until they disappear again, I guess.”

  “So are they going to keep following us around for the rest of the quest?” I say. “Invisibly masturbating while watching us?”

  Long pause.

  “Don’t know,” Loxi says. “Don’t want to know.”

  The rest of them agree.

  We continue to watch the dirty old men as they fade away. Instead of going on to area 12, we decide to backtrack and go in another direction. After seeing the old men, we decide this area of the dungeon is bad luck.

  5: Corridor

  We return to the crossroads and this time decide to take the western passage. As we walk, I ask Itaa about the old men.

  “Ever see them before?” I ask.

  She shrugs. “Probably Olffgel friends.”

  “Olffgel has perverted wizard friends?” I ask.

  “Olffgel more big pervert wizard than all,” she says.

  Then she tells me the story of the gnome wizard Olffgel Zookwar. He is the most perverted wizard that has ever existed across the land, possessing more fetishes than even Loxi. The only reason he became a wizard in the first place was to use his magic for sex. At first, he used spells like Enlarge, just to enhance his penis size. Then he would cast Haste so that he could have sex with women at a faster pace.

  Then he started getting a little kinky. He would cast Web for bondage sex. He would cast Invisibility on prostitutes, because he had a fetish for having sex with invisible people. He would cast Mirror Image and masturbate to the illusionary clones of himself that surround him, who also masturbated back at him.

  Then he got sexually abusive with his magic. He used Clairvoyance to explore his voyeur fetish, and watched women going to the bathroom, bathing in the nude from a distance, or watched couples having sex. He would cast Hold Person on people and then steal their clothes, to get off on their embarrassment as they ran naked through the streets. Then he started to cast Sleep on women and have his way with them. Sleep is the ultimate date rape spell.

  Then he started getting beyond perverted with his magic. He would cast Summon Animal to fulfill his bestiality fetish. Then he would cast Feign Death on women to do his necrophilia fetish. Later, his necrophilia fetish turned into a zombie fetish, so he learned Animate Dead to bring corpses to life which he commanded to bend over for him. Then he would cast Magic Mouth on inanimate objects such as trees and chairs, so that he could force the mouth that would appear on these objects to give him blowjobs. The idea of receiving a blowjob from a couch or a lamp was a big turn on for him.

  The wizard is continually studying magic and learning new spells, for the sole purpose of using them in strange sex acts. This does not make him an incredibly powerful wizard, because he does not bother with any attack spells or defense spells. Still, I hope I never have the misfortune of meeting such a wizard.

  9: Guest Room

  We find it rather odd to come across a guest room in the middle of a dungeon. The room is very clean in comparison to the other places we’ve been to, including most of the rooms on the ground floor. The bed is heart-shaped with red silk sheets.

  “This is kind of odd,” I say.

  Loxi calls everyone into the room and then locks the door behind her.

  “What did you do that for?” I ask.

  “I don’t want the perverted old men coming in after us,” she says.

  “Why’s that?” I ask.

  She points at the bed. “Because I didn’t want them to watch our orgy.”

  I shake my head and step away from her. “No, no. Not again. We just had sex.”

  Loxi takes Juzii aside and they whisper to each other, coming up with a game plan, a sinister grin on her face when she looks over at me and Delvok.

  I take Delvok to the corner to complain.

  “I can’t believe our goddamn perverted Dungeon Master,” I say. “I want to get on with our quest but all I’m ever doing is having sex with these girls. I already had a threesome with the elf girls and just a handful of turns ago I found myself in bed with Itaa for no reason.”

  “You had sex with the goblin?” Delvok asks, raising an eyebrow.

  “It’s getting annoying,” I say.

  I can tell Delvok doesn’t share my annoyance too much, because he has yet to have any sex on this quest.

  When the elf girls approach us, Juzii chooses Delvok and Loxi chooses me. Itaa pulls me away from Loxi before she can kiss me. Then she gets between us, growling.

  “What’s with you, little troll?” Loxi says. “You have a crush on my little boy or something?”

  Itaa just growls at her again.

  Delvok is very excited to have sex with Juzii and already has an erection. That is, until she casts Change Self and becomes a hermaphrodite harpy with a 16” penis. She squawks loudly and claws off his armor, then wraps her wings around him.

  “We’re going to go find a private place,” Juzii says, rubbing her boner against Delvok’s lower back. “I’m going to fuck this elf silly.”

  Delvok struggles within Juzii’s harpy wings.

  “I find the use of your Change Self spell highly illogical,” Delvok says, his eyebrows cringing downward as Juzii’s penis squeezes into his asshole. He tries to compose himself without showing pain, and continues with a groaning voice. “When using a spell to enhance the act of coupling, it would be more logical to alter your appearance to become a more attractive mate, not a less attractive one.”

  Juzii laughs. “I didn’t cast the spell for your benefit.”

  She slowly pulls her penis out of him, then slams it back in.

  “Sorry,” she says. “I’m getting ahead of myself.”

  She looks over at us. “Have fun. We’ll see you later.”

  She opens the southern door, lifts Delvok off the ground, and flies down the hallway. I can see her hips thrusting into Delvok’s ass, fucking him as she flies. I might have already had some weird sex on this quest, but at least I didn’t get anything shoved up my ass. The Dungeon Master really has a thing for shoving things up people’s asses.

  Loxi turns on me now.

  “Looks like we’re alone,” she says.

  Then she feels a thud and looks down. Itaa is pushing on her belly.

  “Boobelf no fuck Halfman,” Itaa says.

  Loxi has no idea what she is saying.

  “At first I thought your little crush was kind of cute,” Loxi says to her. “Now it’s getting annoying.”

  “No Boobelf,” Itaa says.

  Loxi speaks slow to the goblin, as if that might help her understand what she’s saying. “You can have sex with him, too. We can share him.”

  Itaa growls at her. I’m beginning to think the goblin might actually like me. I know goblins are very territorial creatures, but it’s ki
nd of strange seeing her act so territorial about me. After the elf recognizes the serious look in the goblin’s eyes, she gives up.

  “Fine, I’ll just watch,” Loxi says.

  The elf grabs my Bag of Holding and pulls out some rope.

  “She really likes you.” Loxi smiles at me. “I’m sorry for doing this, but I just have to let her have her way with you.”

  Then Loxi grabs me and pulls off my clothes. Itaa punches her on the back with her tiny green fists.

  “Hey, I’m trying to help you,” Loxi says, pushing the green girl to the ground.

  Then Loxi ties me to the heart-shaped bed and backs away before Itaa attacks her again. Itaa gets in her face and growls up at her, threatening her with her long goblin claws. Loxi raises her arms in surrender.

  “I won’t touch him, you little scrote,” she says.

  Itaa continues to growl, backing away from Loxi and holding out her arms to prevent the elf from getting past her.

  “You can fuck him,” Loxi says. “I want to see what it’s like for a goblin to fuck a halfling.”

  I’m pretty surprised Loxi hasn’t realized that I have already had sex with the goblin. By the way Itaa is acting toward me, how long we took to get back to them after we went off alone together, and how Itaa is now wearing different clothes than she used to be wearing, you’d think Loxi would have put the clues together.

  While looking at Itaa in her tight leather armor, I realize that my penis is becoming erect.

  “Awww, how cute,” Loxi says. “He’s already hard for you.”

  Loxi points at my penis and Itaa turns to see my erection. She examines it carefully with her yellow eyes, then looks back at Loxi.

  “Yeah,” Loxi says. “It’s for you.”

  Loxi points again and Itaa looks back again.

  “Now, go get it,” Loxi says, speaking to her like she’s a dog. “Go get it, girl!”

  Itaa inches toward me but won’t turn her back on the elf. She hesitates, probably because she has no idea what the elf is trying to communicate to her.

  “Go get him!” Loxi says, pushing the goblin at the bed.

  Itaa turns around and hisses like a cat. Then continues growling as she climbs up on the bed next to me. She looks cautiously back at Loxi, not sure what she has planned.

  “Crazy Boobelf,” Itaa says.

  Loxi smiles as she sees Itaa near me.

  “Now fuck him,” she says. “Fuck him good, you goblin slut.”

  “Boobelf no fuck Halfman,” Itaa says to me. “Only Itaa fuck Halfman now.”

  I tell her, “She only wants to watch.”

  Itaa looks back at Loxi.

  “Only Itaa fuck Halfman?” says the goblin girl. “Boobelf only watch?”

  “Yeah,” I say. “She wants to watch you fuck me.”

  Itaa smiles wide and bounces up and down on the bed like a childish gremlin, she even smiles giddily at Loxi with her tiny needle teeth.

  “Itaa fuck Halfman!” she says. Then she feels the ropes and my naked body. “Halfman tied. Halfman at Itaa mercy.”

  Then she bounces on the bed even more excited. This is really becoming a turn off for me.

  “Yeah, now you’re getting into the right spirit!” Loxi says, watching Itaa as she takes off her leather armor. “He’s all yours. Have your way with him!”

  Then Loxi laughs as Itaa lunges at me like a playful kitten and fiercely licks my chest and armpits.

  “I’m so sorry,” Loxi says to me, giggling and shaking her head. “You’re going to hate me for doing this to you, but it’s just so damned adorable. She really does like you. I just had to let her have her way with you.”

  Itaa rubs her naked body against mine, messaging my penis between her bony green fingers, making purring noises against me.

  “Awww, you have a new girlfriend,” Loxi says, giggling as the goblin cuddles against me. “To tell you the truth, you two actually do make a pretty cute couple.”

  Itaa gets on top of me and puts me inside of her, she digs her claws into my shoulders as she bounces rapidly on top of me. I look around her green hips at Loxi, who now has her pants down. She licks her fingers and then begins to masturbate as she watches the goblin have her way with me.

  “Oh, yeah,” Loxi says, moaning with her eyes locked on the two of us. “Fuck his tiny halfling dick.”

  Itaa moves my face away from Loxi’s direction so that I’m looking into her eyes. Her mouth is wide open as she fucks me, her forked tongue curling around her bottom lip. As she comes closer to orgasm, her tiny nose wrinkles up into a snarl. For a moment, it looks as if she is about to bite into my flesh with her pointy teeth and rip my throat out, but she just stares at me. She just absorbs me into her glowing monsterous eyes.

  I look back at Loxi and notice her pulling something out of my Bag of Holding.

  “Don’t do that!” I yell at Loxi, as I see the Dildo of Enlightenment +2 enter her vagina.

  “Yeah, fuck him you goblin slut . . .” Loxi says as she masturbates with the dildo.

  “You don’t know what you’re doing,” I cry. “Take it out! Take it out now!”

  Instead, Loxi climbs naked onto the bed with us, licking her lips. She masturbates furiously with the dildo at the foot of the bed.

  “The dildo is bad!” I say. “It’s bad magic!”

  Sensing the elf is on the bed with us, Itaa growls loudly at the intruder as she fucks me, but she is so close to orgasm that she’s not able to stop.

  Loxi slips the dildo out of her vagina, and just as Itaa and I cum together, Loxi shoves the dildo up the goblin girl’s asshole.

  Itaa shrieks and jumps off of me, flying off of the bed and running around the room with the dildo stuck up her butt. She thinks she’s been attacked.

  “Untie me,” I tell Loxi.

  Loxi is looking down at her lap, rubbing her head. A look of dread is slowly crossing her face. Itaa stops running and looks behind her at the thing sticking out of her backside. She hisses at her butt, as if the dildo is a living thing biting her. When she pulls it out, she holds it up and frowns at it, confused about what it is or where it came from.

  Loxi looks up at me with panic on her face, her mouth wide open like she has tons of things to tell me but can’t get any words out. Then, slowly, the same look of shock appears on Itaa’s face.

  “I’m not real?” Loxi says to me, her eyes beginning to water. “We’re just characters in some stupid game?”

  The goblin girl frowns at me and sits down on the bed.

  “Itaa sad now,” she says.

  Loxi says, “I’m just a goddamn fucking made up character!”

  “Welcome to my life,” I tell her. “I told you not to use the dildo.”

  “But I’m not even a player character,” Loxi says. “I’m just a fucking NPC! I’m not being role-played by an actual player in the game. I’m just a side character whose sole purpose is to give boners to horny little dorks!” Then she looks down at her chest. “No wonder why my boobs are so big!” Then she says, “And no wonder why I walk around topless!”

  I give her a look of condolence. It’s bad enough being a player character. I couldn’t imagine what it’s like for her, being one of many non player characters that are controlled by Aaron Donnelly.

  “Itaa just monster,” Itaa cries. “Itaa only invented for PCs to kill and get experience points.” Itaa frowns and lays her chin on my naked chest, looking up at me with sad puppy dog eyes.

  She says in a half-crying voice, “Itaa no special at all.”

  I pet Itaa’s bald green head.

  Loxi puts her pants back on. Then she pulls out her broad sword and slices a piece of red fabric from the sheet.

  “What are you doing?” I ask.

  Loxi cuts a hole in the middle of the piece of fabric and slides her head through.

  “I’m not going topless anymore,” she says.

  Then she cuts a strip of fabric from the sheet and uses it as a belt to tie around her midsection
to keep the sides of her new shirt closed.

  “You sure that’s a good idea?” I ask. “They created you to be a sexy slutty elf chick. If you stop they might get bored of you and kill you off.”

  “I’m not letting anyone kill me off,” she says.

  “They always kill off the NPCs,” I say. “Every quest I have gone on there have always been NPCs whose sole purpose is to fuck us and then get killed off along the way.”

  “I’m not playing their game anymore,” she says.

  “You don’t have a choice,” I say. “The Dungeon Master controls you.”

  “Fuck the Dungeon Master,” she says.

  She grabs the Dildo of Enlightenment +2 and goes to the door to the south.

  “Where are you going?” I ask.

  “Juzii needs to know, too,” she says.

  I jump out of the bed.

  “You sure she wants to know?” I yell out of the doorway, pulling my chainmail on.

  Itaa curls up in the bed with her green butt in the air, saying, “Itaa sad. Big sad.”

  I gather my belongings and follow after Loxi, leaving Itaa in the bed.

  10: Frog Room

  The inside of this room is filled with large aquariums holding various reptiles and amphibians. The aquariums along the side of the walls are filled with smaller snakes and lizards, but on the north wall there is one large aquarium filled with tall green plants, rocks, and waterfalls.

  Delvok and Juzii are nowhere to be seen, but their clothes and belongings are scattered across the floor. Loxi looks carefully at the aquarium and notices the front pane of glass has been completely shattered. Camouflaged behind the vegetation, we discover the occupant of the glass cage: a giant frog (AC7; HD 2; hp 18; #Att 1; Dmg 1-3/1-6/2-8, SA swallow).

  Then I notice Delvok, naked, hiding in the corner of the room between the snake cages. I go to him.

  “What happened?”

  He points at the frog’s belly and we see movement coming from within. Hands are pushing out on its stretchy skin, trying to get out. Then Delvok tells me about how they were in the middle of having sex when the frog broke through the cage and attacked the harpy with its long pink tongue. Then, in an instant, the frog sucked her into her mouth like a fly and swallowed her whole.