The Kobold Wizard's Dildo of Enlightenment +2

by The Kobold Wizard's Dildo of Enlightenment +2 (mobi)

  Loxi panics when she hears her friend’s voice crying for help within the frog belly.

  “We need to get her out of there,” Loxi says, drawing her sword.

  The frog hops out of the aquarium toward us. I draw my short sword +1 and attack. Right off the bat, I get a critical hit but only roll a 2+1, doing 6 points of damage. Loxi hits him too, but only takes off 1 point. Loxi is in tears as she swings her sword, but I’m not sure if it is because she’s terrified of losing her friend or because of her new perspective of the universe.

  The frog attacks me but misses. Delvok goes for his bow and aims his arrow at the creature, joining this fight naked with his bald elven balls stuck to the side of his cum-drenched thigh. His attack roll fails. Within the belly of the frog, Juzii attacks with a kick. It only does 1 point of damage, though. She had been swallowed with no weapons or armor. The frog’s digestive juices do 2d8 points of damage to Juzii as she squirms in the creature’s stomach.

  Loxi attacks furiously, but misses. I stab at its belly, careful not to hit Juzii within, doing 4 more points of damage. Delvok fires an arrow and it lands in the frog’s face, doing 5 more points of damage.

  The frog attacks me with its tongue, trying to eat me like it did Juzii, probably thinking I’m the easiest meal because of my size. The tongue hits me for 2 points of damage, not killing me but knocking me off of my feet.

  2d8 more points of damage to Juzii. Her movements slow inside of the creature’s stomach. I’m not worried about her being digested to death by the frog. I’m worried about her dying of asphyxiation. She probably only has one round left of oxygen in there. If we don’t kill the thing within the next round she will die. Luckily the creature has only 2 hit points left. Just one of us has to land a blow.

  Delvok fires an arrow but gets a critical miss. The arrow breaks in half as he pulls back on the bow, the splinters piercing him in the chest for 1 point of damage and he loses a round. I swing my sword and miss, rolling only a 5+1. It’s up to Loxi. She sees Juzii go limp inside of the creature’s stomach, her hand sliding down into the acids. With her last chance, Loxi swings her broad sword with all of her might and stabs the creature in the face. It falls backward, its tongue flying out of its mouth.

  But it doesn’t die. Loxi only did 1 point of damage. It still has one more HP. And instead of using its last breath to attack, the giant frog flees. It hops back into the aquarium. Loxi chases after it, but the thing jumps into the pond in the back of the aquarium. It swims down to the bottom and squeezes its large blobby frame into an underwater cave.

  “What the fuck!” Loxi yells at the edge of the pond. “Get back here you motherfucker!”

  Inside of the frog, Juzii takes her last breath as the digestive fluid consumes her. The last thing she feels is the sensation of her skin melting down the sides of her body.

  “I’m going to kill you, you fucking frog!” Loxi screams.

  I go to her.

  “Come on,” I say, pulling her by the wrist.

  She breaks my grasp.

  “That son of a bitch needs to come up for air some time,” she says. “I’ll be here when it does.”

  “She’s already dead,” I tell her.

  “I don’t care,” she says. “I’m going to kill that thing anyway.”

  “Leave it,” I say. “She’s gone. Let’s just get out of here.”

  She pushes me away from her and I go to Delvok to help him pack up his belongings as he gets dressed. We wait with Loxi for a few rounds, but the frog never comes up for air. For all we know the thing bled to death down there or has a pocket of air on the ceiling of the cave, enough to last him the rest of the day.

  Loxi stays for a while longer, not to wait for the frog but to mourn her dead friend. Then we leave the room to return to Itaa. I wouldn’t tell this to Loxi, but it is almost for the best that Juzii died now. If Loxi had forced her to use the Dildo of Enlightenment +2 she would have had a horrible life from here on out. Knowing that you aren’t real is no way to live a life.

  9: Guest Room

  Itaa is still lying in the bed, buried in the red silk sheets. It looks like she cried herself to sleep, unable to deal with her reality. I crawl into bed with her and put her head in my lap. We explain to Delvok about what happened with Itaa, Loxi, and the Dildo of Enlightenment +2. His eyebrows raise with interest, knowing that we no longer have to keep our knowledge a secret now that all of us in the party are aware of our circumstance.

  “Now what?” I say to the others.

  “It is not logical to continue this quest,” Delvok says. “With only the three of us, we do not stand much of a chance against the Gnoll King.”

  “I agree,” Loxi says. “This is all bullshit. We need to get back to town, where it’s safe.”

  “Our players won’t let us do that,” I say. “They want us to continue our mission.”

  “Yes, they would have more amusement playing until we are all dead than bringing us safely back to town.”

  “Why do you have to do what the players want?” Loxi says. “Just do what you want. Fuck what they tell you to do.”

  “That would be impossible,” Delvok says. “Every single action we make is what players command of us.”

  “So we have absolutely no free will?” Loxi says. “Not a single action we make is our own?”

  “Not one,” says Delvok.

  Loxi shakes her head. “So you’re telling me right now that Buzz, Aaron, and Mark are the ones telling us what to say? They are sitting around a table roleplaying this exact conversation?”

  “That is likely the case,” says Delvok.

  “Bullshit,” Loxi says. “Why would they bother doing that? We are the ones having this conversation, not them. That means we do have some will of our own.”

  “So you think we can resist our players?” I ask. “Break their control of us and live our own life, with our own free will?”

  Loxi nods. “That’s what I believe.”

  “Or is it the Dungeon Master who is commanding you to believe that?” Delvok says. “He could have been the one who controlled you to use the dildo and then use it on the goblin. He might have thought it would be interesting to roleplay your character with this knowledge.”

  Loxi’s face contorts into a mess when trying to fathom the idea of being completely controlled in every possible way by some kid in another world.

  After some moments of silence, I say, “So what should we do?”

  “Get out of the Keep,” Loxi says. “Get far away from here.”

  “Perhaps it would be the most logical action to take given the circumstances,” Delvok says.

  I shake my head at them.

  “Delvok,” I say. “You’re forgetting something.”

  Delvok raises his eyebrows in question.

  “Glimworm,” I say. “The whole reason we went on this quest was to get some money so that we could get out of this region and away from him.”

  Delvok nods twice and then looks down at his feet.

  I turn to Loxi. “The Dildo of Enlightenment +2 belongs to a kobold wizard named Glimworm. We took a quest to retrieve the magical item for him, but then…”

  I’m not sure I want to mention what happened next.

  Delvok interjects for me. “Due to circumstances beyond our control we were . . . injected . . . with the knowledge of our false existence.”

  “But the problem is,” I continue, “Glimworm told us that he would kill us if we used the dildo. He is likely after us now, because he wants to get the dildo back and because he wants us dead.”

  “It is logical to assume that he believes no being should possess this knowledge,” Delvok says.

  “He probably knows we’d be better off dead,” I say.

  “So he’s going to kill me now, too?” Loxi asks.

  I nod. “And Itaa.”

  “Great,” Loxi says, rolling her eyes. “Just what I needed.”

  “So I think we should continue the quest,” I say. “We sh
ould try to avoid any fight we can, but we need to find the treasure room. Or any treasure room. Once we have enough gold we can get out and travel far away from here.”

  “With only the three of us?” Loxi asks.

  “Four,” I say. “We have Itaa, too.”

  “Great,” she says. “A fucking goblin is going to do a lot of good. She’s just a grunt that won’t even last long against level 1 players.”

  “She’s a level 2 ranger,” I say. “She’s more than just an average goblin.”

  “Well, I guess she’s better than nothing,” Loxi says.

  “She also knows her way around the dungeon,” I say.

  “Fine, let’s take her,” she says. “Let’s get moving. The sooner we get some gold and get out of this place the better.”

  We all agree.

  I wake up Itaa and give her the leather armor. She wipes her yellow eyes languidly as she pulls on the tight halfling clothes. Then I hand her bow to her. She looks up at me with questioning eyes.

  “Give Itaa bow?” she asks, taking the weapon.

  “We want you to join us on our mission,” I tell her. “Can we trust you?”

  “Boobelf and Trekelf now Itaa friend?” she asks.

  “Yes,” I say. “They’re your friends now.”

  “No kill Itaa?” she asks.

  “No, you’re our friend now,” I say. “You’re like us. You understand what we really are.”

  She lowers her head and says quietly. “Itaa understand now. Itaa just Dungeons and Dragons monster. Weak small monster.”

  I put my arm on her shoulder. “So, are you with us?”

  She looks up and wipes a tear from her eye, then smiles.

  “Itaa stay with Halfman,” she says, placing both of her hands on top of my wrist. “Trust Itaa.”

  5: Corridor

  We return to the crossroads in the hallway and take the northern passage. We don’t hear any invisible masturbating wizards. They must have gone off to masturbate to something else in Tardis Keep. Knowing our Dungeon Master, there are probably tons of jerk-worthy things happening in other parts of the castle that would be perfect for them.

  Loxi pulls out a dagger and holds it out to the goblin girl.

  “Here,” Loxi says, handing the knife over to her. “You might need a melee weapon in addition to your bow.”

  Itaa takes the knife and examines it, admiring its shine in the torchlight. Goblins are used to seeing only dull, rusted blades.

  She smiles and looks at me.

  “Boobelf Itaa friend,” she says, putting the knife through her belt loop.

  I smile back and continue walking. Her excitement to be among new friends seems incredibly genuine to me. The way she acts could not be faked. However, that doesn’t mean that she won’t turn on us. She is still being played by Aaron Donnelly, who might force her to stab me in the back just for the fun of it. Unless, that is, Loxi is right and we really can make our own choices if we want. Perhaps we can break free of our players and live our lives the way we choose.

  6: Statue Room

  This room is filled with statues of naked ogres with giant boners. Some of the statues are masturbating these boners or sticking them into other statues. One statue is balancing a Wand of Magic Missiles on the tip of its penis head.

  “This might prove useful,” Delvok says, as he removes the wand. “I am part magic-user, after all.”

  Then the statue comes to life and becomes a stone guardian (AC: 2, HD 4+4, hp 21, #AT 1, D 2-9). The living statue breaks off its boner and uses it as a large club. Before Delvok can react, it slams the stone boner down onto the elf’s skull, breaking open his head. It does 4 hit points of damage, leaving Delvok with 1 HP left.

  “Run!” I yell at Delvok.

  Itaa and Loxi think I’m speaking to them and they take off to area 7. Delvok uses his round to escape, but the stone ogre moves just as fast as an elf. I run to area 7, but the guardian gets one more attack on Delvok before he gets away. Delvok nearly collapses when he realizes the DM rolled a 1 on the guardian’s attack roll. With this critical miss, the stone ogre raises his boner club to swing but manages to accidentally impale the side of his head with it.

  7: The Trap Stairs

  Since Delvok is down to his last hit point, we decide to rest here. If Delvok rests for eight hours his spells will return and he’ll be able to cast Cure Light Wounds again, as well as another Sleep spell.

  The room is empty and seems to be safe. As long as we don’t encounter a wandering monster, we should be fine. But knowing our Dungeon Master, he will surely allow us a peaceful rest. He likes to have as many players as possible in his game. He doesn’t want Buzz Jepson’s character to die.

  While Delvok rests, Itaa, Loxi, and I sit in the corner of the room. Itaa leans against my side with her head on my shoulder. Her long green ears stretch all the way across my neck, tickling the other side of my chin.

  “Ogre statues with boners?” Loxi says, with an annoyed face. “Is that supposed to be funny or something? Or sexy? Or cool? Or clever? What is wrong with these kids?”

  “It’s always been like that,” I say. “Half the monsters I’ve fought usually have giant boners for no reason.”

  “The Dungeon Master is an immature little twat,” she says.

  I nod my head.

  “And he’s like our God,” she says. “He created us and controls our whole existence.”

  “Completely,” I say.

  “I can’t think of a worse God,” she says.

  “So you really think we can resist our players and the DM?” I ask.

  “I hope so,” she says. “No, I know so.”

  “How?”

  “We should put it to the test,” she says. “Whenever your player has you do something, just do the opposite.”

  “But what if the player is the person who is commanding me to do the opposite of what he says?”

  “Then do the opposite of that,” she says.

  “But then I’d be doing what he originally wanted,” I say.

  “Look, there has to be a way,” she says. “I’m not going to just give in and let somebody else control my life. I’m going to make decisions for myself.”

  “Like what?” I ask.

  “For starters,” she says. “I’m not going to try to kill you at the end of the quest and steal your gold. My alignment is neutral evil. That’s what a character of neutral evil alignment would do. But I’m not going to act like a neutral evil character anymore. I don’t give a shit what my character sheet says.”

  “But alignments can change,” I say, “judging by the actions our players make for us. By the end of this quest your character sheet might have the alignment changed to true neutral or even neutral good, like me.”

  “More like chaotic good,” she says. “At best. Of course, it’s going to be hard being chaotic good with the class of assassin. I might need to change my class to thief, or fighter/thief.”

  “Or you can just retire as an adventurer,” I say. “That’s what I plan to do.”

  “Then what would you do if you weren’t adventuring?” she asks.

  “Pick up a trade. Find a wife. Raise a family.”

  “Sounds dull,” she says.

  “Exactly,” I say.

  When Delvok is fully rested, he casts Cure Light Wounds until he regains all of his hit points.

  “Better?” I ask.

  “Much better,” he says.

  But as we descend the staircase toward area 8, Delvok springs a trap. The staircase becomes a slide and we all go flying down the slope until we crash into the wall at the bottom of the stairs. This causes 1d6+1 points of damage.

  Itaa is the luckiest, getting away with 2 points of damage. I lose 4. Loxi loses 3. And poor Delvok loses 5 hit points, bringing his total back down to 1.

  Delvok is so infuriated by the events that he can’t even speak.

  “Your player must have really pissed off the Dungeon Master today,” Loxi says.


  “That would be illogical,” Delvok says. “It was surely just bad luck.”

  But back in the real world, in the Donnelly home, Aaron is pissed off at Buzz Jepson and did purposely damage his player with both the trap and the ogre statue. He doesn’t necessarily want to kill Delvok, but he is taking out his anger on Buzz’s character because Buzz ate all the Cheetos.

  8: Entrance to the Catacombs

  I gather everyone together at the top of the stairs, to make a plan for the rest of the quest.

  “Okay,” I say. “From this point on, we do everything we can to resist our players. Don’t do anything you would normally do.”

  “So you are saying,” Delvok says, “the most logical move for us would be to act illogically?”

  “Exactly,” I say. “For starters, you should stop acting like a Vulcan.”

  Delvok frowns when I say that.

  “Be emotional from now on,” I say. “Say to hell with logic.”

  Delvok frowns.

  “Go on, say it.”

  “To hell with logic,” he says, quietly.

  I smack him on the back (well, his hip) and say, “Now you’re getting it.” However, I can tell saying those words hurt him deeply.

  I turn to Loxi, “And you try not to be such a sex-crazed slut.”

  “No problem,” she says. “I’ll only fuck 3 or 4 more people through the rest of the quest.”

  “No, fuck nobody,” I say.

  Her facial expression joins Delvok’s.

  “And Itaa,” I say to the goblin girl, in goblin tongue. “You stop talking like a cave man.”

  Itaa smiles.

  “Yes!” she says. “Itaa speak normal now!”

  “Well . . .” I say. “Not exactly. Try not speaking in third person. Refer to yourself as I from now on.”

  “Okay,” Itaa says. “I Itaa speak normal now!”