The Twisted Laird
Page 35
There was a dull glow from the fireplace and Rhona quietly made her way to the box bed.
"Edan?" she called out softly.
His voice was a soft whisper in the darkness. "Aye Rhona, is she nae sleeping?"
"Ailene willnae settle. I tried, but she's nae of ah mind tae sleep."
Hearing the rustle of the bedding, Rhona knew he was turned toward her. "Well, then. Give her tae me an go rest."
Rhona leaned forward in the general direction from which his voice had come. Edan's hands found hers in the dark of the small cubby. Rhona placed the child in his outstretched hands.
Then, she squatted down and felt for the opening of the box bed. Rhona tucked the rolled up blanket across the entrance. "She's moving about now. I ken ye dinna sleep well on yur right side. Tha blanket should keep her in if ye're sleeping an she tries exploring."
"Thank ye. Go along with ye."
Hiccups and an occasional wail came from the baby now in her father's hands.
"Och! Ailene, luv. Wheesht, my pretty lass. There's naught tae be crying over. Yur little belly is full, I ken Rhona has fed ye."
Rhona listened as Edan murmured to the child he now held. His low voice was soothing to her own ears.
"Go along, Rhona. I'll bring her up to ye in the morn. Thank ye, lass."
His words warmed her. Not sure how he saw her in the darkness, Rhona turned away and went back upstairs to her bed. Soon, all was silent in the cottage.
Early in the morning, just as the horizon was becoming light, Rhona woke to find Edan with one knee on the bed. He had pulled back the covers and was placing Ailene back into bed with her.
Rhona pulled the child close and closed her eyes after nodding acknowledgment of Ailene's presence. The weight lifted from the bed. For an instant, Rhona felt warm breath flutter across her cheek. Edan's hand lightly touched her shoulder, then was gone.
Snuggling back into the bedding, Rhona went back to sleep until one or the other of the children would wake her.
Unaware of him standing a short distance away, the thought of Edan's hand on her shoulder brought a smile to her lips. With a sigh of contentment, Rhona drifted back into sleep.
***
He stood there watching as Rhona automatically tucked his daughter closer. Edan knew she was only partially awake in the predawn. Her action was not contrived to make him think she cared for the child.
Edan was quite sure what he saw was genuine affection. Rhona loved Ailene as she loved her own son. In the pale light streaming through the window, her fair skin glowed.
Some strands of black hair fluttered across one fair cheek. Several dark strands were caught on the corner of her lips. In sleep, her face looked quite young. Her cheeks were not plump, as Daracha's had been.
Edan had an urge to pluck the strands of hair from her mouth. He feared she might breathe in a loose strand and choke. He checked his forward motion and turned to the door instead.
Rhona would be fine. He needed to go back downstairs. It was not right for him to be in her room while she slept. Ailene was where she belonged. Rhona would be able to feed the child later.
It was doubtful he would be able to sleep more. Edan had dozed a little, while comforting the infant. It would suffice. The feel of her on his chest nearly caused him to cry.
Fingering his shirt, Edan realized it was no longer wet from Ailene's tears. With a shuddering breath, the child had settled onto his chest and slept. There were so many things he no longer understood. Why he was such a comfort to the child was a mystery.
He would talk to Cadha about it all later. For now, he would find a clean shirt, get dressed, and build up the fire. So long as he was up and moving, there was no reason to wait for Nessa. He could easily make a pot of tea. Perhaps, if Cadha came down soon, they could have a cup and talk.
Chapter Fifty - One
The days slipped into weeks and Edan watched Rhona. He was always watching her. It was surreptitious, often from the corner of his eye, but he watched her. Rhona suspected there were times he came into the bedroom at night and watched her and the children sleep. It did not bother her to be the object of his attention.
What did cause her to wonder was his withdrawal. Always quiet, Edan was now silent. He would talk if specifically addressed and carried on short conversations with Jamie or anyone else willing to keep the conversation going. Unless he was asking for something or needed someone, Edan was quiet.
Hoping it would change with time, she did not discuss Edan's lack of communication with anyone. Rhona waited and tried to ease him back into the world. He was not of a mind to cooperate with her. Trying not to push, Rhona did not insist he sit at the table and chat about mundane matters.
She feared he carried something much like a boil inside, which needed to be opened and drained. Edan was resisting opening himself to anyone. Clasping the hurt to his chest, he refused to let anyone see what it 1was he carried.
If she insisted on getting him to talk about the pain and misery, would that hurt her chance of being with Edan? Having repeatedly asked herself that question, Rhona had no answer.
What decided her was his refusal to really meet anyone's gaze. Edan looked past you, around you and over you, but never at you. The very first night he had returned home, Rhona recalled looking directly in his eyes. Something had his soul in its fist and was squeezing the life out of him.
The old Edan, the one who had insisted they leave the glen, the one who stood up to Ian Smith, was the man she wanted to see again. This one was a pale parody of the Edan who built his business by dealing with ship captains and gentry alike.
Ailene however, thrived. As summer turned into winter, the child began to walk. She was soon following her father everywhere she could. Ailene still craved Rhona's touch if she was in need of a kiss or a hug for a fall or a scratch. Rhona was her mother, it was Edan she idolized.
For all his gentleness with Ailene, Rhona noticed something else. It was almost as if the child embarrassed Edan in some way with her love for him. Did he feel he was no longer worthy of love?
Laying down the new dress she had been sewing for Ailene, Rhona turned to glance at the table where Edan sat with Ailene. Standing on his lap, the child had one arm around his neck as she chattered away in her baby language. Deliberately, Rhona caught his eye. Edan colored slightly and pulled away a tiny bit from the child.
Ailene would not be denied. She threw both arms around his neck and demanded a kiss. Looking away, Rhona knew it would be easier for Edan if she was not looking directly at him.
This had to come to a halt. Something needed to change. Rhona looked over at Cadha. The older woman had noted the interaction between Edan and Ailene. Placing her sewing into the basket, Rhona rose and walked over to Cadha.
"Would ye take ah short walk with me? Round tha cottage perhaps? I've ah need tae get ah breath of air."
Rising, Cadha put her knitting on her stool. "Ah breath of air would be welcome. It's so close in winter, mind."
Wrapping their airsaids around them, the two women went out into the dusk.
"Has Edan spoken tae ye? Daracha would be fair crying her eyes out tae see him." Rhona started in immediately.
"All he asked about, an it was some time ago, was about Ailene. Why she needed him as she did."
"An did ye tell him what we suspected?" Cadha stumbled a little on a frozen clod of dirt and Rhona reached out to take her arm.
"Aye. It made sense tae him as it does tae me. The bairn went directly from Daracha's body tae Edan. His hands held her first. Do ye ken he held her while Gara cut tha cord?"
"Och! Nae, none ever said. Dinna fash yurself, I ken why. I doubt talking of it is much easier now, than then." Rhona patted Cadha's hand where it lay on her arm.
"Hold ah moment." Cadha asked Rhona. "I've nae wish tae get in tae fast. Ye ken he watches ye ah great deal?
"I've seen. But, what can I do tae help him? Edan is clasping tha pain so tight, none can pry it away from him."
"'Tis nae something he's going tae trust me with. Edan still blames me for her death. 'Cause of tha bairn, he is willing tae look past it." Rhona huffed out a breath.
"Now, lass, tha way he's watching ye, is much like ah hawk watches ah prize morsel. Before my wee lassie, Edan had nae knowledge of women. He's ah man now an sooner, or later, he's going tae seek ye out."
The older woman put both hands around Rhona's upper arms. "Tha question here is, are ye going tae welcome him? Are ye wanting Edan? If ye're nae wanting him, mayhap, ye need tae think about what ye're going tae tell him."
Sharp blue eyes stared up into Rhona's dark ones. "An, there's ah difference between wanting an luving. Where are ye in this puzzle? What do ye feel for tha man? I've ah interest in tha outcome. I want my Ailene tae be happy an nae think she can be happy an cared for if her da runs off tae hide somewhere."
"Och! I dinnae ken luving Edan, but I want an respect tha man he was. This one..."
"They're one an tha same. This one is fearing rejection. So, if ye're going tae throw tha man aside after one toss, ye had best leave him be. Dinnae toy with Edan. I'll nae stand for it."
"Nae! I'm nae toying with him. I do want Edan."
Cadha shook her slightly. "He's nae a replacement for Hamish. Take him for himself or leave be. Choose carefully here, he's nae ah pup. Ye're dealing with ah grown man an ah dangerous one. Far more dangerous than I think ye ken. He's ah powder keg, waiting tae be set off. Have ah care."
Closing her eyes, Rhona considered Cadha's estimate of Edan. "I'll have him. But is it wrong tae just want? I believe I can luv Edan. But, luv needs tae come along after ..."
Cadha shook her again, none too gently. "Wanting doesnae last without luving. Ye need tae reconsider before ye go any further with this. Come along. 'Tis cold out here an I've said my piece. We'll talk on it later an before that happens, ye need tae think on what luv really is. One question I want an answer tae when we talk next. Do ye understand there're many kinds of luv? Do ye ken ye can luv Edan without denying what ye had with Hamish?"
Shocked into silence, Rhona turned and walked Cadha back to the front door of the cottage.
Edan did not know what the two women were talking about, but he saw the earnestness in the way they held themselves. Ailene was sitting on his arm as he stared out the window at the conversation taking place.
Since they had taken their talk outside, Edan thought it well might have something to do with someone present in the room. Still standing, with his daughter in his arms, Edan waited until they came back into the room.
As the women went to hang their arisaids, Cadha gave him a nod of acknowledgment. Rhona wore the frown between her eyes that told him she was thinking. When she did look at him, it was from the corner of her eye as she crossed back to the stool she had been occupying before going out.
Edan knew they had been talking about him. Quite aware of his short comings, Edan sat back down at the table. Ailene was starting to run down. Soon, they would eat and everyone would take to their beds.
As cold as the day was, the clan had done little in the way of work. Edan had worked on some chess pieces he was making. Waiting on a shipment of mahogany, he was unable to begin two commissions until the wood made port.
Once spring arrived, he hoped to increase what was presently in the lumber yard by at least half. Rhona and Jamie did well enough while he was gone, but he intended to increase their stock.
Trying to keep focused on what needed to be done, Edan had to admit he was dreading the coming of Ailene's birthday. She was young enough that this one would not matter as much as those in the future. Perhaps, once this one was over, he could begin again as well.
Fully aware of the pit he was wallowing in, Edan resented Rhona and Cadha discussing him. He had a right to be grief stricken and distraught. He still wavered between thinking God had forgiven him and wondering if it were truly possible.
He understood the kirk preached only some people are predestined for salvation. His father did not hold to those beliefs. Birk MacGrough believed that Saint Paul said Christ died once for all who would believe. Birk had passed that belief on to both himself and Hamish.
But, there were times when he wondered if he were beyond redemption. Edan clung to the story of God forgiving David. At the moment, it was his only hope. In some ways, he would welcome the chance to confess his sins to a priest, be given a penance and sent on his way.
Every night he prayed and gave up his sins to God. Feeling he was indeed, forgiven, Edan went to sleep and woke at some point convinced he had condemned himself to hell, far from those he loved.
Instead of having one slightly twisted limb, Edan now felt as if his soul was twisted into a caricature of who he had been. The closer Ailene's birthday came, the more upset he became.
All of it was further complicated by his growing need for a woman. And not just any woman, no, he wanted one woman. It was no longer safe for him to watch her sleeping. He lusted after the woman who suckled his daughter, his brother's widow, Rhona.
What had started as a little yearning had grown into a thing that caused him to commit another sin at night. Thinking about how she looked with tendrils of hair curling about her sleeping face and her breasts bare to feed the children, had him fondling himself at night, so he might be able to get through the day. Otherwise, he could make a spectacle of himself when everyone noticed her effect on him.
If she gave him the slightest encouragement, he was not going to be able to stop himself from burying his cock into her to the hilt. Edan tried very hard to keep his desires buckled in, yet he could not stop watching her.
Slim, even after bearing Cadell, she swayed when she walked. Extra clothing to keep out the chill or no, Edan knew what Rhona looked like under all the bulk.
Her breasts were full of milk and were as pale as the milk the infants took from her. The tiny wet spots that occasionally appeared on her bodice when the infants were younger, only reminded him of her beauty.
Edan wondered what the milk would taste like on his tongue. He wished to suckle those tits, so warm and full. Feeling the ache begin, Edan tried to quell it. The food would soon be ready. So much the better. He would help Ailene sup a bit of broth, then take her upstairs.
He found if he put her to bed with a hug and a kiss, Ailene usually slept through the night. Which was a good thing, as it allowed him to limit his contact with Rhona.
Guilt flooded him again as the reality of his thoughts hit home. Daracha had not been dead a full year and he was lusting after her best friend, the woman who had saved their child's life.
On top of being a murderer, he was a lust filled degenerate. He knew of no cure for that particular malady. His father had gone to Glasgow to cure his lusty cravings. Hamish had participated prior to his marriage to Rhona.
If only he could talk to his father and ask when the need for a woman began to take hold in him. Edan still loved his wife, but he needed Rhona as he needed to breathe, to eat. Tasting her, savoring her body was what he panted for.
Ailene lolled against him, partially asleep. She had worn herself out partaking in the fun of having all the other children inside with her this day. All the little ones had squealed with pleasure as they chased each other round and about the adults' legs all afternoon.
When Nessa brought the food and placed it in front of Edan, he said a blessing over the entire table, feeling like the hypocrite Jesus had spoken of. But it was expected of him as laird, so he managed it.
Dipping bread into the stew so it might soak up some broth, Edan convinced his tired child to eat several large bites before she turned her face into his chest. Shaking her head no, Ailene refused to eat more.
Pushing away from the table, Edan took Ailene up to bed. This time it was Rhona
who watched him. He cuddled Ailene close to his chest as he went up the stairs. Cadha watched them both. It was clear to her, neither of these two knew their own minds.
Edan was suffering from wounds he gave himself and refused to allow to heal. Rhona thought she loved a dead man, who she had probably loved when he was alive. Now, the girl was afraid to think about loving anyone. She had never been with any other man than Hamish for all of her childhood. Her father had never loved her and the child had no idea what love was.
Cadha wished Gara were here to discuss this situation with. Gara had always been her confident. Cadha could use her advice now. The tension between Rhona and Edan was growing by the day.
Chapter Fifty - Two
The end of November saw a massive snow storm, which coupled with mild temperatures caused the clan to be indoors for some time. The fireplace was consuming coal at an alarming rate.
The collier's wagon was not able to negotiate the drifts. Edan, Jamie, and the boys were forced to hitch the strongest of the horses to the cart and go pick up the coal themselves.
Cold and irritable, the men and boys returned to the house. Shivering, they hurried to the hearth. Jean and Glynis filled the coal scuttles and brought them inside. Nairna unhitched the horse and took the poor animal to the stable where she gave it a bit of grain. After wiping it down with a piece of old sacking, she went back inside.
Rhona had finished shoveling the walkway out to the coal shed. Drenched and cold, she went upstairs to change.
Later, the boys would empty the coal into the shelter, once they warmed up. After a very short course in driving the cart, Adie was given the reins while the rest of them pushed and shoved the heavily laden vehicle back to the cottage.
Pain radiated from Edan's hip down into his ankle. There wasn't an inch of him that was not wet. All of them stood before the fireplace. Between the acrid smell of the burning coal and the odor of damp wool, Edan was developing a headache.