A Will To Change (Hope)

by Beth Rinyu

  “Will, are we really going to go there again?”

  “No. I'm sorry.”

  I got annoyed when I saw her doctor friend walk back in. I wanted more time to talk to her. “Gabby, I am so sorry. Can I give you a rain check on dinner? My daughter fell roller blading and may have broken her arm.”

  “Oh no. Go. It’s no problem,” Gabby said.

  “Okay, great. Hey, nice meeting you, Bill,” he shouted as he was halfway out the door.

  I looked at Gabby, who was giggling over his little error on my name. God, I missed that smile so much. “So, now that you got stood up, hang out with us.”

  “Um, no. I’m really tired. I didn’t feel like coming out in the first place. I just want to head home and go to sleep.”

  “Well, I was hopin’ that we could hang out again soon. I miss you, Gabby. When do you have off again?” I asked.

  She shook her head. “I don’t know.”

  “You don’t know when you have off again?”

  I could see the tears welling up in her eyes, and it was tearing me up inside. “Will, I can’t,” she whispered.

  Her words stung. “You can’t what?” She looked away and choked back a sob. “You can’t what, Gabby?!” I shouted.

  She finally turned her head back to me. “I can’t be friends with you anymore.” Her voice was cracking with emotion.

  “What?! Gabby, what the fuck are you talking about? What, does your fuckin’ doctor boyfriend tell you who you can and cannot talk to? Do you let him smack you around like the last one did?” I knew I shouldn’t have said it, and the look on her face confirmed it.

  Her jaw dropped and the tears were now streaming down her face. “I’m sorry, Gabby -.” She got up from the table and ran off to the bathroom. I ran after her, following her in, ignoring the dirty looks that the two women exiting had given me.

  “Will, get out of here!” Gabby shouted.

  “No. I’m not leaving until you talk to me, Gabby.” I moved closer to her, breathing in her sweet scent. “Why can’t we be friends anymore?”

  She began to cry even harder. “I can’t do it anymore, Will.”

  “Can’t do what?”

  “Pretending that I’m okay watching other women throwing themselves at you, pretending that I’m okay when you tell me all about your sex life with them and, most of all, pretending that I’m not in love with you.”

  I didn’t know how to react. I stared at her as she tried to pull it together. I lifted my hand to her face and caressed her baby soft skin. “Gabby, I’m so sorry.” Her lips were so close to mine that I could almost taste them. I bent down and placed a soft gentle kiss on her mouth. “I can’t lose you, Gabby. I need you in my life. You’re my best friend.”

  “Will, don’t do this, please?” She began to sob.

  “Gabby, don’t you do this!” The thought of losing her forever put me into a complete panic.

  “Damn it, Will! I don’t want to be just your best friend. I want to be something more, but I never will be.”

  Tell her, you idiot! Tell her how you feel! I took her face in my hands and pulled her to me. I placed my lips on hers, kissing her hard, forcing my tongue into her mouth. Even though she tried to resist, it was only a matter of seconds before her tongue was moving in unison with mine. I pushed her up against the wall and ran my hands through her hair. Everything inside of me wanted her and, unlike last time, I wasn’t going to stop. I never needed a woman before, but I needed Gabby.

  She began to struggle and finally pushed me away. “Will, we have to stop. All we’re doing is hurting each other. This thing between us… It’s sick. You only want me right now because you can’t stand seeing me with someone else.”

  I shook my head to stop her from talking, trying my hardest to get the words out. “Gabby, that’s not true. Well, actually, it is. I can’t stand seeing you with another guy because -.”

  She swallowed hard and looked up at me with pleading eyes.

  “Will? What’s going on?” I didn’t even turn around to the voice that had just entered the ladies room. I already knew that it was Janelle, and I didn’t have to explain myself to her. I just stared at Gabby, my hands braced against the wall, hoping that Janelle would leave so I could finally get out what I needed to say.

  Gabby continued to stare up at me, looking a little defeated at the sight of Janelle. She sucked in her bottom lip and her eyes filled with tears once again. “If you really and truly care about me, Will, just let me go…forever. I need to get on with my life - without you in it,” she said, pushing past me and walking out the door.

  I ran my hand through my hair. Damn it! I was so close to saying those words to her and I just let her walk out. I pulled it together the best I could and finally turned around. “Are you okay, Will?” Janelle asked.

  I nodded. She grabbed my arm as I walked past her. “You’re in love with her, aren’t you?”

  I looked down at the ground before looking up at her. “Yeah, I am,” I whispered.

  I could see the hurt in her eyes. “Well, she’s a lucky girl,” she said, forcing a smile.

  Yeah, she was a lucky girl to have some idiot who had been in love with her from the day that he first laid eyes on her, but was unable to tell her.

  I walked out of the bathroom and past the guys. “Hey, Will, where ya goin’? The night is still young, buddy!”

  I completely ignored them and walked outside. I dialed Gabby’s number and got her voicemail. “Gabby, please call me back. I know you’re pissed at me, but I need to talk to you.”

  I stood on the sidewalk, trying to figure out what to do. My heart was telling me to go to her place and tell her exactly how I felt. The sad thing was, I never listened to my heart. I always listened to my head and, right now, my head was telling me to do what I did best - run away from the situation. I took my phone back out of my pocket and left my parent’s a voicemail. “Hey, are you guys up for company down there? I need to get away for a few days.” I hung up the phone, hoping that when I got back, I would finally be able to start thinking with my heart.

  I threw myself down on the couch and let the tears fall. I couldn’t believe that I just ended everything we had. The one and only person I had in my life was now gone. I was alone once again, but I knew I couldn’t do this with him anymore. Every time I saw him, my want for him was greater and my heart couldn’t handle it. I was tired of being on this merry-go-round and I needed to get off, even though it hurt like hell. I ignored my ringing cell phone and headed to bed, praying for a night of uninterrupted sleep without any dreams of Will.

  My chest felt heavy and I was finding it hard to breathe. “Daddy! Daddy!” I screamed. “Where are you? Please don't leave me!”

  “You're the reason he's dead, Gabby. It was your fault!” my mother snapped.

  “No, no, no!” I cried, looking into my mother's ice cold eyes.

  I was safe again. My angel was with me, then he was gone. “Don't leave me! Don't leave me!” I screamed, watching him disappear as quickly as he came.

  I sat up in my bed with sweat pouring off me, clutching to the angel that was hanging around my neck. I caught my breath, trying my best to calm myself. I got up and searched through my box of photos for my journal. I dumped the whole box on the floor, frantically digging in the dark through all of its contents. It was gone! I immediately thought back to the box that I had thrown in the dumpster the other day. How could I not have double checked to make sure that there wasn't anything important in there? I sat down on my bedroom floor and ripped my angel necklace from my neck, hurling it across the room and burying my face into my knees. I was feeling more alone than ever. My dad was gone, Will was gone and, now, so was my angel.

  “Gabby, are you feeling okay?” Rochelle asked once we finally had a minute to sit down for lunch in between patients.

  “Yeah, just really tired. I’m looking forward to having the next few days off.”

  “How’s the new place?”

  �
�It’s nice.”

  “Well, you don’t sound too convincing.”

  I shrugged my shoulders. Rochelle was the only one that I felt comfortable enough to talk to about my friendship with Will. “I guess I just have to get used to it, ya know?”

  She took a sip of her water and looked at me with concern. “Get used to the apartment, or used to living without Will?”

  I sighed heavily. “Both.”

  “Well, it’s not like you moved to Alaska. The two of you could still hang out all the time.”

  I shook my head and looked down at the table. “I…I told Will that we couldn’t be friends anymore.”

  Her eyes widened. She reached over the table and grabbed my hand. “Oh no. What happened?”

  I bit the inside of my lip to stop the tears. “It just got really complicated.”

  She looked at me sadly. “Well, Gabs, I’m not quite sure what was going on between you two, but that boy was a player. He never tried to hide it.”

  I let out a nervous laugh. “Yeah, I know.”

  She was right. I knew from the start what Will was all about and, for a while, I was perfectly fine with it - until stupid me decided to fall in love with him.

  My Dad was waiting for me at the airport. I didn’t know if it was the warm Florida air or if he was starting to lose it, but he actually seemed happy to see me.

  “Hey, Will.” He smiled.

  “What’s up, Dad?”

  “Your mother’s been driving me crazy all day waiting for you to get here. She’s timed it perfectly so dinner will be ready the minute we get back.”

  He talked my ear off the entire way to their condo. I grabbed my bag and walked through the pool area. All of the senior citizens that resided there eyed me up like I was some type of alien that didn’t belong there. My father stopped to introduce me to a man and his wife sitting at a table, having a card game. “Herb, this is my son, Will.”

  He extended his hand to me. “Oh. Will, the fireman. Your dad talks about you all the time.”

  I wasn’t sure if that was good or bad. I shook his hand and smiled. “Nice to meet you.”

  “I got us all set up to go out on the boat tomorrow,” he said to my dad.

  “Yeah, yeah, that’s great. Will, you’re up for it, right?”

  “Yeah, sure.”

  “Okay. 6 a.m.?” he asked

  “Sounds good to me,” my dad said.

  “Nice meeting you, Will.”

  “Yeah. You, too,” I said as we walked off.

  My mother was waiting in the doorway, and hugged me in a death grip. “I’m so glad you came to visit, sweetie.” She kissed me on the cheek and gasped when she saw the scar on my arm. My father had told her all about it after that night at the hockey game and I got a half-hour lecture from her on the phone the next day.

  We sat down to dinner and my mother began to go on about how she just wanted to be home, while my Dad waved his hand at her, dismissing her complaints. “Will, honey, I made your favorite, red velvet cake, for desert.

  “Thanks.” I laughed. Somehow, I always felt like I was eight-years-old again every time I was around my mother.

  After dinner, we watched movies for the rest of the night until my mom and dad could no longer keep their eyes open. “There’s nice clean sheets on the bed for you. If you need an extra blanket, it’s in the closet. Your father keeps the air so low, it’s like a freezer in here at night. Good night, sweetheart,” my mother said, giving me a kiss on the cheek.

  “Night, Mom.”

  It was after midnight and I was wide awake. I stepped onto the patio and took a seat in the lounge chair. The palm trees rustled in the warm breeze and my mind began to wander to Gabby. I pulled out my phone, wondering what she was doing right now. Was she sleeping? Was she working? Was she thinking about me the same way that I had been unable to stop thinking about her? I pulled up her name in my contacts and began to type out a text.

  I miss you. I love you. I want to be with you forever.

  My thumb skimmed over the SEND button for one brief second before hitting DELETE.

  It was a great time out on the boat and, even though we didn’t catch anything, I didn’t regret going. My dad and I took a seat outside at the waterfront restaurant that we stopped off at. “Just tell your mother that we ate on the boat. She’ll have a fit knowing that we went out to lunch without her.”

  “No problem,” I laughed as I took a sip of my beer.

  “I had a really nice time today,” he said.

  “Yeah. Me, too. That’s a beautiful boat he has.”

  “Yes, it is. I’m trying to talk Jamie into getting one, but he doesn’t want any part of it. I think Hope doesn’t want him to get one.”

  “Ah, women!” I shook my head and laughed.

  “Speaking of women, how’s Gabby doing?”

  Oh fuck. Why did I have to open my big mouth?! “She’s fine, I guess.”

  The smile that was on his face quickly disappeared. Obviously, I wasn’t as good at hiding my emotions as I thought. “Is that why you’re here?”

  “What?”

  “Because of her?”

  I looked out at the water and took a deep breath before turning my attention back to him. “Yeah. I just needed time to get away and think about everything.”

  “Think about what?”

  I shrugged my shoulders. “Why I’m so fucked up? Why I’m so afraid to let her into my life in that way. Lots of things.”

  My dad lifted his beer up to his lips and took a sip. “Well, how does she feel?”

  “Right now, she’s pissed at me. Doesn’t even want to be friends. I can’t blame her. She wanted to take it to the next level and I told her ‘no’, then I flip out when I see her with other guys.”

  “Why didn’t you want to, Will? She’s a great girl. I don’t get it.”

  “Because, Dad, I don’t know if I could measure up and be the guy that she deserves. I was scared to death of losing her if I slept with her, and I ended up losing her anyway.” I sighed heavily. “Gabby… She’s different. I feel like I can tell her anything. She’s always there for me and I’m there for her, but when it comes to sleeping with her, I get like a scared teenager who’s never had sex before.” I shook my head in confusion. “I don’t know what it is about her that does that to me.”

  My father chuckled. “That, my boy, is called love. It sounds like she loves you, too.” I shrugged my shoulders. “So what the hell is the problem?”

  I shook my head and looked down at the table. I never let my dad know how much his disappointment in me bothered me. I always played it off like it wasn’t a big deal. “I don’t want to screw it up with her. She deserves the best, and I just feel like I always let everyone down. You. Mom -”

  He held up his hand. “You never let me down, Will. I told you before that I’m proud of you. It’s my own fear that made me behave that way with you and I’m sorry. Your mother and I are very proud of the man that you’ve become. Don’t let some adolescent fear ruin your future. You know how many times I’ve screwed up with your mom and did something to piss her off after forty-three years of marriage? Lots! There are days that we fight like cats and dogs, but we love each other and that’s what’s gotten us through all the hard times. No relationship is perfect and no matter how hard you try, you’re bound to do something to mess up, but don’t let that stop you from the whole experience of falling in love. You know when I realized for the first time that I wouldn’t have traded my life for anything?”

  I shook my head, waiting for his response.

  “We were sitting in church and Jamie had snuck in one of those handheld video games under his jacket. The two of you were sneakily playing with it, and just as the priest got done giving his sermon, the game came on as loud as day and said ‘game over’.” A smile stretched across his face. “Your mother was mortified. There was dead silence and everyone was staring at you and your brother. Then you blurted out of nowhere, ‘Bless me father for I have si
nned’. Needless to say, you gave everyone, including the priest, a good laugh. That crazy moment made me realize that I was blessed. Don’t deny yourself of having that moment with your own family someday, Will. Tell her how you feel. Don’t be afraid.”

  “Yeah, well, she won’t even return my calls. So…”

  “Then stop calling her. When you get back, go and see her face-to-face.”

  I ran my hand through my hair and looked out at the water. “Yeah, maybe.”

  “No maybe, Will. Just do it!”

  My mom was disappointed that neither of us were hungry when we got back. My dad chuckled behind her back. “Don’t you tell her,” he whispered just before losing his balance and landing on the couch.

  “What’s wrong?” I asked.

  “I think I’m being punished for lying to your mother. I’m not feeling so good. I think it’s a mixture of that cheeseburger and too much sun.”

  “Why don’t you go lay down?”

  He grabbed my arm and pulled me down on the couch as all of the color drained from his face. Gasping for air, he took my face in his hands. “Wi…Will…I love you -.” His voice staggered off as he closed his eyes and slouched over.

  “Dad!” I screamed as I shook him.

  Panic was setting in. I could feel myself breaking out in a sweat. This was my job, what I was trained to do, so why was I drawing a complete blank right now? Snap out of it! Finally, the adrenaline started kicking in. I moved him down to the floor and began giving him chest compressions.

  “Will! What…what’s going on?” my mother cried as she looked down at my dad on the floor.

  “Call 911.” She stood there, frozen. “Mom, do it now!” I snapped, finally breaking her from her trance.

  “Come on, Dad!” I screamed as I relentlessly performed CPR, each time hoping that I would hear some type of heart rhythm as I placed my ear on his chest. Even though I knew it was too late, I continued until the paramedics arrived and took him to the hospital, where they officially pronounced him dead. It just all seemed so surreal. One minute I was talking to him and the next, he was gone. I was completely numb, trying my best to calm my mother down. Luckily, my aunt and uncle didn’t live far away and were at the hospital in minutes to help console her. I was still in shock, feeling like it was a dream that I was going to wake up from. I pulled it together the best I could and called my brother.