Vision of Hope

by S. Moose

  * * * * *

  It's three in the morning when I leave the hospital. I'm exhausted, mentally, physically and emotionally, and just want my bed. My mind has been full of thoughts all night. Every reason I have to stay away from Jensen, I can come up with a reason to give in.

  I've been texting Isaac and he thinks I need to move on. The hardest thing about letting go is letting go, if that makes sense. I've been holding on to his memories and I'm tired. I'm tired of trying to make sense of what happened and why Brody had to die. The answer will never come to me and it's not fair to sit here and always wonder. I don't want this chance to run from me. Maybe I’m looking for someone to give me the okay to move on.

  The fear of what people think comes to the front of my mind. Will people think I'm a whore for moving on so fast? Does moving on mean you've stopping loving the person you're moving on from?

  When I get in my car, my phone rings. Taking it out, I see a text from Jensen.

  Jensen: I wish you were here..Please change your mind and come back tonight

  I want to say yes I’ll be right over and fall asleep in his arms. "Damn you, Brody. I need a sign or something. I know people are telling me to move on, but I need you to be okay with it. Can you please come down from Heaven and be next to me?" A sigh escapes my lips. I can't answer Jensen yet.

  My phone rings and I look to see that the call is coming from Isaac.

  "Hey," I answer.

  "You're thinking, aren't you?" I look around the parking lot from my car, but it's just me. "Fallyn, what's wrong?"

  "Jensen wants me and he likes me. I feel the same, but it's like I don't know what to do. He just broke up with Lisa..."

  "Who cheated on him," he interrupts me. "He's not going back to her."

  "Well, then there's Brody. The man I love and was supposed to spend my life with."

  He breathes into the phone and I hear him moving around. "I get it. I miss my brother every fucking day, but you know him. He wouldn't want you to live your life like this. There’s nothing that can bring back Brody.” Isaac pauses, giving both of us a chance to take in what he said. “I’m sorry. I know that was mean and heartless, but you know it’s true. I truly think Jensen's a great guy and he cares about you. I see the way he looks at you and you've been in a better mood since he's been in your life. You know, Mom and I think he will make you happy. . Don’t pause your life because you don’t think it’s right. You’ve been grieving over Brody for a while. There’s no rule that says you can only move on after a certain time period. If you have someone great in your life, then why don't you do something about it?"

  "I'm going to go over to his house and be happy. You’re right. If I don’t do anything about it, then I’ll never know." Saying out loud what I’ve been feeling gives me the confidence I need. It’s out there and I can’t take it back.

  Isaac tells me to have fun and we say bye before I send Jensen a text message.

  Me: =) okay.

  Reaching his house, I see him on the porch, waiting for me. I walk a little faster and jump into his arms.

  "I missed you." He holds me tight, as if he doesn’t want to let me go, and we stand there, soaking in every moment.

  "You saw me a few hours ago."

  "And?" He smells my hair and brings me inside. He nuzzles my neck, and holds me close to him.

  “We need to talk,” I finally let out. “Please?” We sit down on the couch in his living room. Pulling my legs underneath me, I rest against the cushion and repeat what I want to say in my head. “I like you, Jensen. And I want to be with you,” I start to say, carefully talking so I don’t hurt his feelings or mine. “I know we agreed to be friends and take things slow.”

  “We did.”

  “But I’m ready. I’m ready to fall into your arms and let you hold me. I’m ready for you to see me, all of me, and create a life with you. If that’s what you still want?”

  Jensen pulls me into his arms, crashing his lips to mine, as I dig my fingers in his hair. His hands roam my back and down to my ass, picking me up and placing me on his lap. This moment, right here, right now, is perfect. I feel his erection in my center and immediately pull back.

  “I’m sorry.” He kisses me again. “Slow.” I nod and kiss his cheek. When I stand up in front of him, he takes my hand and we walk upstairs together.

  He leads me to his bathroom and I notice his clothes on the counter. "You can wear my clothes tonight."

  "Thank you. I usually have clothes with me. Just to let you know if your clothes are comfortable you aren't getting it back!"

  He laughs and kisses the tip of my nose. "Go shower and get ready for bed so I can hold you in my arms all night."

  "Okay." I smile and kiss him before walking into this giant bathroom. Closing the door, I lean against the wall and cover my face with my hands. Finally catching my breath, I take in his beautiful bathroom. There's a large porcelain tub under the large window. His walk-in shower is made of gray and black tiles with a large showerhead and shower jets on the side.

  Taking off my clothes, I step in and let the water fall over my body. I stand below the showerhead and tilt my head back, allowing the water to freely flow from my hair to the floor.

  Turning off the water I wrap the towel around my body and change into his clothes. Yep he's not getting these back.

  Drying my hair as much as I can I head out of the bathroom and head down the hall to his room. Walking in I look at him as he's sitting on his bed, without a shirt, and reading a book.

  "Hi."

  "Hi." He looks at me and smiles, patting the bed next to him. "You're so beautiful." Sitting down next to him, I place my head on his shoulder and try to read what he's reading. His hand is resting on my thigh and I let out a sigh, loving this moment with him. "When we first met, I didn't think anything of you. I was so wrapped up in my life with Lisa and making her happy. You and I became friends and you became an important person in my life. I don't know how I would have handled this on my own. Even though my heart hurts, you being here with me is making it better. I feel like there's life being breathed back into me and it's because of you, Fallyn. You're bringing me back to life."

  I blink my eyes a few times and gently kiss his lips. My God, this man is so beautifully broken and scared and I am too, but together, we can overcome our fears.

  "I'm going to make mistakes. I'm not perfect."

  "Neither am I, Jensen. I want to be imperfect with you."

  "Let's be imperfect," he kisses me, "together." He kisses me again and I relax in his arms. My eyes feel heavy and just as I'm about to fall asleep I hear him tell me something. "Don't leave me."

  "I love seeing you smile."

  I turn around and see Brody sitting on a bench under a tree. He looks so handsome. "Brody?"

  "Hi beautiful. I love seeing you happy."

  He's holding his hand out to me. I'm running as fast as I can, yelling for him to stop. There's a smile on his face and he gets up to walk away, still facing me.

  "Brody! Stop!," I cry out. My legs start to give out, but I keep going.

  "Let Jensen in," Brody says. "I want you to be happy, Angel. I will always love you and have your heart. You have enough room for both of us. Don't pause your life because I'm gone. You still have a long time. Don't worry, though. I'll be here waiting for you."

  The tunnel gets darker. There's a force holding me back. No matter what I do, I can't reach him. "Stop! Please stop! Come back!"

  "Fallyn!" My body is shaking. Quickly, I open my eyes and see the worried look on his face. "Are you okay?" He brings me up into his arms as my restless body lies limp, and I don't have the energy to hug him back. "Where'd you go?" he whispers in my hair.

  I don't answer.

  I can't answer.

  "I'm here. I'm here," he repeats.

  I hear him telling me he'll be here. I want him to know how much I love hearing it. But part of me is still with Brody. This isn't fair to Jensen. Here I am, still holding on to the gho
sts of my past and I can't move on. Even when I think I can, I can't. "Maybe I should go home."

  "No. Don't go home. I'll do whatever you need. What do you need?"

  I want him. I want to be happy and I'm trying so hard. Everyone deserves a chance to be happy and I do too. I know Brody is gone and he's not coming back. I know that he'd want me to move on and I'm trying to tell myself that too. "Tell me it's going to be okay."

  Jensen lays me down and pulls me to his chest, "As long as we try and talk to each other everything will be okay." My back rests against him and his arm wraps around my waist. I breathe in and out, telling myself this is okay.

  "Sleep," he whispers. "Tomorrow's a new day."

  The next morning, we wake up at the same time. Our bodies are tangled together and I like knowing that I can sleep with him holding me.

  "Okay, well, I'm up and it looks like you are too. Wanna go for a run with me?"

  "Sure." I smile, realizing I don't have clothes. “You didn’t bring my workout clothes?”

  "We'll drive to your place and you can change." He smiles, and what a smile. We get out of bed and he heads to the bathroom. When the door closes, I pick up my phone and call her.

  "Morning, Fallyn!"

  "Hi," I pause, not sure if I should call her this, "Mom."

  "Oh, sweetie. I know it's hard, but you can still call me Mom. Is that okay?"

  "Yeah." I nod my head. "It is. I wanted to call you and let you know I'm okay and hear you tell me it's okay."

  "Fallyn," she starts to say, "I already told Isaac so I'm going to tell you now. It's okay."

  " I feel like if I do, then I'm cheating on him and everything we stood for."

  "Honey, don't think that. I know it hurts to remember he's not coming back." She pauses and I hear her breathing steadily increase. It's hard to talk about because his death is still raw in our hearts. "Everyone wants you to be happy, honey and that's good. It's okay to meet someone and get close to him."

  "Really? I mean, I know Brody said you guys talked and everything. I guess I needed to hear it from you."

  "Yes. It's okay. I want you to move on. We all do."

  We talk for a few more minutes about the weather and what's going on around town. I love talking to her and getting her advice.

  "Thanks again for talking with me, Julie."

  "Anytime. You can always call me."

  "Send Phil my love and tell Isaac I miss him and want him to come back!"

  "Will do, honey. Love you."

  "Love you too." I disconnect the call and rest the phone on my knee, still looking out the window.

  "Do you feel better?"

  I turn around and Jensen's behind me with wet hair. My eyes travel down his amazing body and I'm literally counting his abs and, wow, his V. I stop breathing and watch as he puts on a long-sleeved shirt. His muscles move with him and I swear it's like my own private Magic Jensen show. I can sit here for hours and watch him.

  "Are you done raping me with your eyes?" He cocks his brow.

  My heart immediately stops beating and my face turns bright red.

  "Raping you? With my eyes? No! Shut up!"

  "Really? Because I saw you licking your lips and your breathing became quick." He moves closer to me. "I might have liked you checking me out." He winks. "But do you feel better?"

  I nod and smile. "Yeah, I do." I bring his face to mine and kiss his lips. "I feel a lot better." Jensen opens his car door for me and then climbs in. Starting his car, he zooms out of the neighborhood and drives to my house.

  Night comes too quickly and I'm wrapped in Jensen's arms. I keep thinking about what Julie said to me and what Isaac told me. It's okay for me to move on and it's okay to be happy again. I have to tell myself this or else I won't be able to be okay.

  Grabbing the remote from his hands, I turn off the TV and take his hand in mine. Our touch is light and soft. He casts his gaze to me and neither of us talk. Taking him to his room, I stand in front of him and slowly strip out of my shorts and tank. In front of him in my bra and panties, I feel okay, but nervous. I haven't been naked in front of a man since Brody.

  "Fallyn." His hoarse whisper lingers in the air. "What are you doing?"

  "I want you." I walk to him and stroke his arm up and down. My eyes find his and his head is tilted back. "I'm ready."

  "Are you sure? It's okay. I can wait."

  "I want you, Jensen."

  "I've dreamed of this moment with you for so long. I don't want to rush."

  Inside, I'm throwing my hands in the air. He's been fantasizing about me and I love how close he wants me to be with him. His lips touch my neck and his hands move their way down my body. I shiver from his touch and crave more.

  He lifts me up and I wrap my legs around his waist. "I'm going to make love to you tonight, Fallyn."

  "Please do," I whimper, holding him tight.

  Laying me down on his bed, he flutters my body with kisses and slowly takes off my panties. "Before I feel inside of you, I need to taste you." He licks his lips and I can't help but let out a moan. Here I am, nearly naked on his bed, waiting to feel him, and everything seems right. There's nothing holding me back. For the first time, I feel ready and needy.

  He kneels down before me and spreads my legs. Tenderly, he kisses my inner thighs and takes his time, causing my body to shake. I arch my back from the bed and moan, letting him know how badly I want his tongue on me. Right before I feel his tongue, his finger slides up and down my center. Then, he slides his tongue over me. His tongue and mouth masterfully move, sucking and licking my clit. The pleasure he's giving me is nothing I've ever experienced.

  His tongue moves faster and, in seconds, I'm screaming his name. My hips thrust into his mouth and my hands are in his hair. I don't want him to stop. I love him licking and sucking me.

  Immediately, he pulls away and looks at me with dark eyes. "Are you ready for me?"

  My eyes go directly to his erection and now it's my turn to lick my lips. He seems so big and I can't wait to feel him inside of me.

  "I want you, Jensen."

  "Condom?" he whispers, reaching into his drawer.

  I shake my head. "I'm on the pill, and I've only been with Brody."

  "I've always used a condom with Lisa. After Jamie, I got tested, and I'm clean. I've never had sex without a condom before." He smirks. "I'm glad my first time will be with you."

  I get up from the bed and take off my bra, letting the straps fall down my arm and to the bedroom floor. Jensen takes in my naked body and grabs my hands, bringing me to him.

  "Do you feel what you're doing to me?"

  "Yes."

  His hands unbutton his jeans and soon he's naked too. My eyes go to his cock and I let out a gasp. Holy shit, how is he going to fit inside me?

  "Shhhh," he says, picking me up and bringing me back to his bed. He lays me down on top of his pillows and looks at me. "You're so beautiful."

  "You are too." I let out a giggle, making him smile. His hands are on my knees, slowly opening as he pushes himself into me. I feel his dick barely enter me and see his eyes rolling back. "Don't stop."

  "It feels so fucking good." He slowly enters me again and slides out. This is going to kill me.

  "Jensen," I moan.

  "Baby, you're going to have to give me some time. I'm going to fucking blow if I rush this."

  He leans down and kisses me, stroking my bottom lip with his tongue. I open my mouth and let his tongue invade my mouth with such passion and sweetness. The kiss drowns me and soon he's inside me. I move my head to the side, gripping his ass, screaming for more. He goes faster, entering me deeper until he's all the way in.

  "Fuck," he hisses. "Fuck, Fallyn. You're so tight." Our lips meet again. The kiss, our lovemaking, is heaven.

  "Jensen! Jensen!" I feel my orgasm building up.

  "Yes, Fallyn." He pumps faster and soon our orgasms sweep over us and the moans coming from us are explosive.

  Jensen slowly pulls out o
f me and goes to the bathroom. When he comes out, he's wearing sweatpants and has a washcloth in his hands. He cleans me up and I let him. This is so sexy.

  Tossing the washcloth in the corner, he comes on the bed and pulls me into his arms. "You're amazing."

  "You are too," I sleepily whisper. "So amazing." My eyes fall closed and before I enter dream world, I swear I hear Jensen talk.

  "Don't ever leave me, Fallyn. I'm falling in love with you."

  Chapter 27

  Jensen

  Nicholas has invited us over for dinner tonight. It's been incredible spending time with Fallyn since we've been official. She spends most of her time at my house and, sometimes, I'll go over to her house.

  For the past few days, she's had a glow about her and I love seeing her smile, but then she goes into a trance. There is nothing I can do to make her stop missing Brody. At night, she'll get a lost look in her eyes. I won't pull her out of it. This is something she needs to do on her own. I understand her sadness. When I lost Jamie, I was sad, but part of me was relieved. Even though she did the most evil things, her heart was still there and she allowed me to see her heart and who she was. But her anger took over and killed her.

  "Fallyn!" I call upstairs for her. "Are you ready? We have to be there now."

  "I'm coming!" she yells back and I shake my head. Lately, she's been taking longer to get ready. I miss the girl who only took fifteen minutes getting ready.

  Pulling out the bottle of wine from my collection and the plate of baked goods made by Fallyn, I set both on the counter and wait for her to come down the stairs.

  "I'm going to leave without you!"

  "Shut up!" she screams and I hear her footsteps coming downstairs. One look at this beautiful woman and I'm about to fall face first. The soft green dress she's wearing ends a little above her knees. Her toned legs go on for miles with the brown wedges she has on. My God, she's fucking beautiful.

  I look up and see that her straight blonde hair and her makeup are done. I'm about to tell Nicholas we aren't coming today. All I want to do is run my fingers through her hair and let her worries seep from her body to be replaced with my love.