Julie Seedorf - Fuschia Minnesota 01 - Granny Hooks A Crook

by Julie Seedorf

  When new construction was added to Main Street and the downtown, it was understood that those new businesses had to add to the ambiance of the street and not be boring, run of the mill, buildings. For the most part, over the years the new merchants complied except for Jasper Diggs. He built a plain old building and painted it white, with plain old windows. He was in the doghouse with the Mayor, the city council and the people of Fuchsia, They ignored his business as if it had the plague. Finally, he gave in and since his business is a dog grooming and pet food and toy store, he remodeled and now the building presents itself as an upscale doghouse decorated with doggy treats. His business has never been better. Jasper got so into the trend that he sports a dog biscuit bow tie that he wears to work every day and the women who work in his store wear doggie treat earrings that they now make and sell

  A few years ago, some hotty-tott manager came in and told the town they needed to hire someone to help them get it together. So they did. They hired Mr. Hotty Tot or as Granny thought of him, Mr. Hot Shot. He tried to tell Pickles Grocery that they had to take the huge lighted pickle on the roof of the grocery store down.

  “That Pickle is an eyesore. No respectable town that wants to attract businesses and tourists should have a Pickle on top of a building. It must violate some code.”

  Then Mr. Hotty Tot, Hot Shot, told Nails Hardware Store that they had to remove the large Wrench Bench that they had in front of the store.

  Mr. Nails had put a lot of sweat and tears into making his Wrench Bench. It was made out of the finest wrenches, welded together to make a sturdy bench that would hold the heftiest person. Mr. Nails got tired of having to repair his old bench after Godfrey and Annabelle Portowsky always sat on his bench and broke it because of their ample size

  “The Wrench Bench is a danger to all. It’s a hazard,” Mr. Hotty Tott announced as he put his own hand into the wrenches on the side that were used as a railing. “This bench violates Fuchsia City Code 900210052,” he yelled as his hand got stuck in the wrench, “Remove it immediately!”

  His last mistake was deciding to fix the sidewalks. People were upset that they wouldn’t have the stones to skip on the lake anymore. They would have had to find a different place for their supply. Well Mr. Hotty Tot, Hot Shot got put on ice one winter and got slid out of town.

  Horatio Helicourt, the mayor of the fine community of Fuchsia and the city council, all twelve of them, held a special town meeting in light of Mr. Hotty Tot’s departure.

  “We will no longer fill the position of City Manager for the community of Fuchsia. We must protect our potholes. We must protect our signs and our benches. We must protect our Fuchsianess. I, Horatio Helicourt, along with the city council of Fuchsia, Minnesota, declare today, “Mr. Hotty Tott no more day. It will be celebrated on this day each year to remind us that Fuchsia, Minnesota, will not conform. Fuchsia, Minnesota, will march to their own drummer. Vote for me Horatio Helicourt at the next election, to keep your Fuchsianess.”

  Granny shook off the reminiscing and the memories and made a bee line for AbStract. AbStract was one of the biggest department stores in Granny’s town of Fuchsia, Minnesota. It was known to carry the finest of everything for men and women. If you wanted a brass ring, you could fine it in AbStract. If you wanted a purse made out of candy wrappers, you could find it at Abstract. If you wanted glittery sky scraper shoes, you could find it at AbStract. The more money you had to spend, Abstract could help you spend it. For a town the size of Fuchsia, Abstract carried some of the finest and most unusual goods in Minnesota.

  Granny took the time after stepping into the store to muss up her hair a little, make sure her stockings were still falling down and get into her shopper pose. She readied her umbrella and started to shop. What the residents and visitors to Fuchsia didn’t know was that the merchants of Fuchsia had hired Granny as a Secret Security Officer to protect their goods.

  Granny didn’t actually make the arrests. People thought she was just an old disheveled lady who clumsily happened to get in the way of those who tried to steal from the merchants of Fuchsia. Granny liked keeping her job secret because she didn’t want her kids and grandkids to know about it. They wouldn’t like it and they would send her to the wrinkle farm. Her kids would declare, “Mom, catching crooks is too dangerous. You’re going to get hurt. You’re too old to be doing that.” Granny figured hurt was better than dead and sitting around doing nothing made her feel dead. If she became dead while hooking a crook with her umbrella, her tombstone could read: Here lies Granny, she hooked a crook. That’s better than reading a book.

  Every day, Granny made the rounds of all the stores in Fuchsia. The clerks didn’t know what Granny was up to. They thought she was a lonely old woman with nothing else to do but shop. Occasionally, she would buy something to throw everyone off the scent, but mostly she spent her time meandering around and occasionally engaging in conversation with other shoppers.

  Granny carried a remote, quiet alarm in her pocket and when she saw a thief, she would pop the remote alarm and the Big Guy would come a running. If the thief was getting away, Granny used her umbrella to trip them or hit them over the head. Granny would then apologize profusely for being so clumsy. It slowed the thief down enough for the Big Guy to get there. They would arrest the thief and give a wink at Granny.

  It always gave Granny a thrill to get in on something so exciting. Granny had dreamed of becoming a detective in her younger days but women didn’t do that in her day. When she would bring it up to her family and friends, they would laugh at her. Every time she brought a crook down with her umbrella, she strutted a little prouder with her 5 foot, 100 lb frame. Old age had its benefits. She always looked harmless but she packed quite a punch.

  Granny peeked out the front window of AbStract to see if there was any sign of her Corvette. Maybe her kids had taken it so she couldn’t drive. Somewhere in her foggy memory she seemed to recall that there had been talk of not letting her drive anymore and taking her car away. Granny thought that would be something she would remember if they actually had taken it out of her garage. Granny didn’t have time to worry about her car now. She had work to do. She saw her first target, um customer ahead of her.

  Chapter Three

  As Granny walked around AbStract, she didn’t see anything unusual. Her target customer was a confused man trying to buy his wife some perfume. Granny lingered at the jewelry counter, fingered some lingerie in the lingerie department, had her usual cup of coffee in the AbStract coffee corner and decided to move on down the street.

  “Hey Granny, what are you doing walking today? Where’s that fancy car of yours?” Ditty Belle yelled to Granny from across the street.

  “Just decided to get some exercise, Ditty,” Granny replied. Granny secretly thought that Ditty, who owned the Persnickety Bookstore in Fuchsia, was coveting her car. Granny looked around to see if her car was anywhere to be seen, not wanting to admit she that she had lost it. Maybe Ditty took it. Granny wouldn’t put it past her. One time Ditty couldn’t find her roller skates so she borrowed Abe Felts’ skates. The only problem was that she didn’t ask and didn’t tell. Abe was madder than a wet hen. Of course that was fifty years ago, but leopards don’t change their spots.

  Granny turned into Pickles Grocery store. She started walking the aisles. The fruit looked good today. The smell from the deli was making Granny’s mouth water. She turned the corner by the canned gourmet shrimp and tuna. She narrowed her eyes. Yup, there was shrimp being poached. Cans were going into hidden pockets.

  Granny sauntered up to the beady-eyed man. Innocently, she took her umbrella crook and tried to reach something on the top shelf above the man’s head. She had him blocked so he couldn’t move. She pushed the button in her pocket to alert the Big Guy and then with the snap of her umbrella hook she brought all the cans from the top shelf down on the head of the beady-eyed man.

  Granny was quick; she jumped back to avoid the cans as they crashed. Then Granny started apologizing pro
fusely to the beady-eyed man.

  “I’m sorry, I am so sorry. Are you hurt? Let me help you.” And with that, Granny pretended to accidently drop the umbrella on his head.

  “Are you an idiot?” The beady-eyed man yelled at her as he tried to extricate himself from the cans.

  Granny immediately, accidently on purpose, caught his ankle in the crook of her umbrella and he went tumbling back down.

  Just as the man let out a bellow, “Leave me alone! You’re a disaster!” the Big Guy came swooping down and hauled him away, again winking at Granny so no one else would see.

  Granny straightened her disheveled clothes, pushed down her stockings some more and was ready to proceed to the next store. Granny turned around to find someone watching her. Granny felt almost as if she were looking at herself in the mirror. The old woman who looked back at her could have almost been her clone except for the red hair sticking out from underneath her hat. It had to be a dye job. Granny’s hair was bright gray. Granny’s was a dye job too but bright gray looked better than washed out gray. Red was another story altogether.

  Granny made her way over to the woman. This woman was dressed similar to Granny. Her stockings were wrinkled and pulled down closer to her ankles. Her clothes were disheveled and torn in places. Instead of an umbrella, this woman carried a cane and walked with a limp.

  “Hello, I’m Gram Gramstead,” the lady said as she introduced herself to Granny. “Are you alright? I couldn’t help but notice that terrible accident. And the man was a crook; you could have been hurt.”

  “All I was doing was trying to get a can of shrimp from the top shelf and the cans tumbled down. I didn’t know that the man was a crook,” Granny exclaimed. “I was so scared. I was trembling and then I hit that poor man. When they hauled him away because he was a crook, I almost fainted from fear. This is too much excitement for an old woman.” Granny sat down on the floor feigning faintness.

  The red haired old woman quickly limped to the water fountain in the corner, grabbed a cup, filled it with water, ran back over and threw it in Granny’s face.

  “Oh, oh, does that feel better?” the red haired Gram Gramstead fussed worriedly over Granny.

  “Was that necessary?” Granny held in her temper, as she wiped her face with her hat. After all, the red haired woman didn’t know about her undercover work.

  “You were fainting; I couldn’t think of anything else to do,” Gram Gramstead exclaimed as she helped Granny to her feet.

  Granny, who was still pretending to be weak so she wouldn’t blow her cover and still trying to reign in her temper, got to her feet and wobbled down the aisle. “Then thank you, dear. I must be going.”

  Gram Gramstead walked beside her. “I hope we meet again and I hope you get over your awful scare.” With that, the red headed Gram walked out the door of Pickles. Granny watched with an open mouth as Gram Gramstead got into a red 1957 Corvette in the parking lot, squealed her tires and roared away.

  Granny continued her sleuthing, stopping at Rack’s Restaurant, Nail’s Hardware, Red Lulu’s Quilt Shop, Headache’s Drug Store, and The Ecstatic Emporium, ending her day, at Ella’s Enchanted Forest. It was a quiet day after Pickles Grocery. The only puzzling event of the day was a well dressed, good looking young man who seemed to be at every store Granny visited. It wasn’t unusual for visitors to Fuchsia to do the tourist thing and visit the stores, so it wasn’t strange to see this man in every store. She watched him carefully and his pockets didn’t seem to be getting any fuller. He didn’t touch anything. He would look, but not touch. He didn’t buy anything either. Maybe he was killing time waiting for his wife to finish her shopping in another store.

  What puzzled Granny about this young man was the fact that he was always in a store when she left and by the time she got to her new destination, he was already there. He hadn’t passed her on the street. There wasn’t a faster alternative route. But he was always there ahead of her.

  Granny started home on foot not having found her car. As she walked, she wondered about the coincidence of the red haired old lady named Gram Gramstead having the same identical car as she did. Maybe she had a twin her parents hadn’t told her about 70 years ago.

  Granny turned into her driveway and noticed her garage door ajar. When she looked in, her car was sitting right where it was supposed to be. Maybe she imagined it wasn’t there this morning. Maybe she didn’t even check. She couldn’t remember.

  Fish was waiting for her as she opened the door to her house. Granny wondered what precious present he had brought her today when she heard a yap. Granny turned and found Fish sitting next to a miniature white poodle, wagging his tail. Fish looked like the cat that swallowed the canary and was presenting it to his master. The poodle nudged Fish as if she were in love. Granny could see she had a situation.

  Chapter Four

  “Fish, where did you get that poodle? Take her back this instant.” Fish just yawned while Granny scolded. When did a cat respond to a command? Granny reached down to pick up the poodle when Fish did something he’d never done before. He hissed at Granny. Granny drew back in amazement.

  “What was that, Fish? I haven’t heard you hiss since the pet store. You are a feisty cutie.”

  Fish looked at Granny, nudged the white poodle and proceeded to take the poodle in every room of the house to show her around before crawling under the bed with her to go to sleep.

  Granny rolled her eyes and headed to the refrigerator to get a big bowl of ice cream for dinner when there was a knock on the door. Granny started to the door, but the visitor opened the door and was in the room before Granny could take a step.

  “Mom, Mom, where are you?” Penelope saw Granny standing in the kitchen and prattled on before Granny could answer. “Where have you been? Are you ok? I’ve been trying to call you all day. I had to drive all this way to check on you to make sure you weren’t laying on the floor somewhere gasping your last breath.”

  “As you see, Penelope, I’m just fine.” Penelope was Granny’s oldest daughter and lived thirty miles away in Allure, Minnesota. “I was out and about.”

  “You didn’t drive, did you?” Penelope asked

  “No, of course I didn’t drive.” She didn’t tell Penelope that the reason she didn’t drive was that she couldn’t find her car. Or the fact that maybe she imagined she couldn’t find her car and it had been in the garage all day.

  Penelope walked over to the refrigerator and opened it, peering inside. “Mom, you have no food. I’ll take you out to dinner and then we’ll go grocery shopping. All you have in the fridge and freezer are ice cream and donuts.”

  Penelope took Granny’s arm, handed Granny the umbrella and escorted her out the door to the car. Granny knew better than to protest. It was easier to go with the flow when Penelope was in this mood. Besides, it might be a change to have something other than ice cream for dinner. Granny loved her ice cream but she could make an exception for one night if it made Penelope happy.

  “I’ll drive,” Granny spit out as she pulled her arm out of Penelope’s grasp and headed for her garage.

  “You most certainly will not. The last time I drove with you, we ended up in someone’s rose bush with one of the branches wrapped around my neck like a necklace. I don’t want to repeat that thorny situation.” With that, Penelope grabbed Granny’s arm, led her across the lawn and plunked her in the passenger seat of Penelope’s Honda Civic.

  Granny never being one not to have the last word, stated, “Be sure to put on your seatbelt, Penelope. We don’t fix potholes in Fuchsia. We use potholes instead of rumble strips to slow people down. If I were driving, I’d know where each and every one is.” Granny warned Penelope, “I was trying to save you and your car, but since you won’t let me drive I can’t help you. Don’t blame me when your car falls through a pothole and we have to have the Fuchsia Rescue Squad rescue us. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.” Granny shook her finger as a warning to Penelope and then quickly fastened her seatbelt, clamped h
er mouth shut and didn’t open it again until they reached the parking lot at their destination.

  Penelope drove into Rack Restaurant’s parking lot, parked the car and led Granny straight to a booth in the back of the restaurant. Granny was happy with the seating arrangement. She could watch everyone in the restaurant. She might as well work her undercover job as long as she was here. Rack’s only paid her for day work but she’d throw this in for free. Granny smiled to herself, knowing Penelope had no idea she was helping Granny with her work.

  When Penelope and Granny had settled into the booth, Penelope grabbed Granny’s hand and patted it. “Mom, see we made it here in one piece. No potholes, no rose bush fatalities and I was able to park under that nice tree outside close to the door in spite of your protests that the tree would come to life while we were in here and eat my car.”

  Granny patted Penelope’s hand and replied in a meek and mild voice, “Well, maybe I exaggerate a little bit, but what does an old lady like me have to do?” Granny lowered her eyes, gave Penelope a sad look and continued on, “I guess you know best, dear, after all I am old and feeble and my memory just isn’t what it used to be. I must have been thinking about a tree in some fairy tale.”

  Penelope gave Granny a sympathetic look and opened her menu. Granny kept her head lowered afraid she might give the glee she felt inside of herself away. Penelope didn’t know there was a real reason Granny had warned her not to park under the tree. Every resident in Fuchsia knew not to park under the tree at night. The tree was some sort of weird weeping willow. At night it would weep even more and envelope anything that was under it in its branches and hold on tight until the morning light when it would again open its branches. Penelope wouldn’t be able to say Granny didn’t warn her. After all, what does a forgetful old woman know? Once Granny got her smile under control, she picked up her menu.