Julie Seedorf - Fuschia Minnesota 01 - Granny Hooks A Crook

by Julie Seedorf

  Penelope ordered broiled walleye for Granny along with a lettuce salad, broccoli, and milk, to help Granny’s bones, or so Penelope said. “You have to drink milk, mom, you need to keep those bones strong.”

  Granny rolled her eyes when Penelope wasn’t looking. She knew Penelope meant well. Granny slyly looked around and watched all the customers out of the corners of her eyes so Penelope wouldn’t suspect what she was doing. Granny took her eyes off of the other diners for a minute to glance out the window next to the booth. She blinked her eyes. She couldn’t be seeing what she thought she saw. It was that red haired old woman, driving a red corvette, waving at her. Granny closed her eyes for a second and glanced again. This time, all Granny saw, was Mrs. Periwinkle feeding her squirrels across the street. Granny decided that her foggy memory now must be fogging her eyes.

  As Penelope left to use the ladies room, Granny winked at an older man in the second booth across the restaurant. She liked to wink at handsome men around her age. You never knew who you might meet and at her age she couldn’t wait around for them to make the first move. She smiled as he winked back. Glancing over at the tables, Granny saw trouble. A thirty something woman was slyly brushing past tables of diners who had recently left and left their tips and payment for dinner on the tables. Granny could see as the woman passed the tables the tips and payments were being brushed into her purse. Granny had to act fast. She pushed the remote button in her pocket to alert the Big Guy. Granny was never without her remote when she was out on the town. Granny grabbed the glasses of water on her table, snagged her umbrella, and proceeded to weave down the restaurant knocking into the woman, spilling both glasses of water over the woman’s head and securing the woman’s ankle with the crook of her umbrella.

  “I’m sorry. I am so sorry.” Granny proclaimed loudly for the whole restaurant to hear. Then Granny reached over to pretend to try and help the woman up and instead she fell on her. Again Granny proclaimed, “I’m so sorry. I’m so clumsy.” As Granny was straightening up and the woman was ready to let Granny have it, the Big Guy swooped in and took the woman away. The Big Guy winked at Granny so she’d know she did a great job.

  Loud applause broke out as The Big Guy left the building with the woman. Granny, turned around and pretended to ignore the applause as she hobbled back to join Penelope.

  “Mom, mom, what are you doing? Are you ok? Why did you run into that woman? Were you lightheaded? Do we need to take you to the doctor?” Penelope was agitated.

  Granny patted her arm and said, “I just felt a little weak; it must be from not eating well all week. I went to the other table to ask the waiter for more water. Our glasses seemed to be empty.” Granny lifted her glasses to show Penelope the empty glass.

  Granny and Penelope finished their meal. While they were paying their bill, Granny glanced over to the far corner and there sat the good looking young man she’d seen earlier in the day at the stores. He seemed to be watching her.

  Granny was a little disappointed that it wasn’t dark enough when they left Racks for the tree to have weeped over Penelope’s car.

  “See, mom, nothing happened to my car. We really need to do something about your anxiety. Perhaps we should make you an appointment with Dr. Armhammer.”

  “That quack? He’s a hack,” Granny chuckled to herself at that sentence; maybe she took after her mother in the rhyming department after all. “Last time I visited Dr. Armhammer, I had to put a hammer hold on him, thought he was going to give me one of them shots for the flu. Well, flu who to him. I guess he found out what it was to be stuck, with his own needle, that is. It took two receptionists and a little five year old patient to calm him down. Just thought he should get a little of his own medicine so he knew what it felt like. Strange thing, they won’t take my calls anymore,” Granny announced with satisfaction.

  Penelope kept her eyes on the road and took a firm grip on the steering wheel, concentrating on their destination. She didn’t want to be accused of murdering an old woman in broad daylight who happened to be her mother. What had happened to the proper woman who had raised her? Who was this woman? Penelope definitely had to take this up with her siblings.

  They stopped at Pickles Grocery and Penelope bought Granny, milk, soy milk, yogurt, Acai juice, organic eggs, fresh fruit, fresh vegetables and fish. Granny knew it would do no good to protest. Fish would love all this food. He happened to have an appetite to eat healthy human food. Granny would make a trip tomorrow when she was working undercover for her ice cream and donuts.

  While Penelope was checking out, Granny felt someone watching her. It was a prickle up her backside. She turned slowly and looked out of the corner of her eyes. It was strange because it was the same young man from Rack’s who was now at Pickles. How could that be? He was at the restaurant when they left and they drove straight to Pickles and now he was here ahead of them?

  Granny was about to march over to confront him when she heard the checkout clerk speaking in a loud voice, “Granny did you want your usual…?” Granny didn’t let her finish the sentence.

  “No, I don’t want my usual exlax. I have enough at home,” stopping the clerk from giving her the usual Ambrosia wine that she kept in stock for Granny. Granny grabbed Penelope’s arm and said loudly for everyone to hear, “I must go, I must go, I have enough for the night. I’m worn out. It’s too much for me to be out this late, Penelope. Help me to the car.” With a wink at the clerk, Granny hobbled outside.

  Penelope dropped Granny at home and insisted on tucking her into bed. Granny donned her Granny pajamas, kissed Penelope good night and thanked her for her help.

  “And mom,” Penelope instructed, “no more flip flops.” Penelope grabbed the flip flops sitting by the bed and took them with her as she walked out the door.

  Granny watched through the break in her blinds as Penelope drove away. Granny waited a good five minutes before she got back out of bed in case Penelope forgot something. The first thing Granny did was get another pair of flip flops out of the pillow case that covered Fish’s cat bed in the corner of the room. Granny kept them stashed there just for a flip flop emergency like tonight.

  Granny leaned under the bed. “Fish, you can come out now. Bring your friend; you can keep her.” For some reason, Fish seemed to understand that. Fish and the little white poodle crawled out from underneath the bed and followed Granny into the living room.

  Granny dug out her binoculars and checked to see if the boxer shorts were off the pole. They were. George was safe. Granny then checked on Sally. Her shade was down. She was in for the night. Granny peered into Mavis’ window. The lights were blazing and Mavis was having an imaginary conversation with someone, gesturing wildly. Mavis then waved at Granny, plopped down on the couch and turned the light off. Everyone was tucked in for the night. Granny locked the door and changed from her granny gown into her hot pink, shortie nightgown, crawled into bed and turned off the light. She heard the wisp of the pet door as Fish and his new poodle friend went out for the night.

  Granny sighed “I wonder what tomorrow will bring.”

  Chapter Five

  The ring of the phone woke Granny out of a deep sleep. She’d been dreaming about the handsome older man that she had winked at in the restaurant. Granny grabbed the phone. “This better be good to wake me up,” Granny shouted into the phone.

  “Granny, there’s something happening downtown,” Mrs. Shrill from the next block yelled into Granny’s ear. “Baskerville started howling and woke me up. I peeked out of the window and saw police cars and an ambulance heading toward town. Baskerville just keeps howling. Do you know what’s happening?”

  “How would I know what’s happening? You just woke me up,” Granny shouted back into the phone.

  Mrs. Shrill replied, “You go downtown every morning. You’re in the know.”

  “Since the only time you’ve ever talked to me was to “tut, tut, tut” me, I wouldn’t tell you if I knew.” And with those words, Granny slammed the phone dow
n on the stand.

  Granny picked up her cell phone, also by her bed, to see if she’d gotten any calls. She usually turned her cell phone off during the night. The only people who ever called her cell phone were the merchants she worked for in her undercover job. Nope, no calls.

  Granny hurried to get dressed in her disheveled clothes, quickly got her binoculars and checked on her neighbors, fed Fish and the little white poodle and rushed out the door. Hopefully, her car would be in the garage this morning.

  Granny gave a huge whoop when she saw that her car was where it was supposed to be. She hopped into the red Corvette and tore out of her garage heading toward Main Street.

  Granny couldn’t believe her eyes when she pulled up down the block from AbStract. There were more police milling around the street than she knew they had in Fuchsia. An ambulance was also sitting running in front of the store. Granny grabbed her umbrella and headed for the Big Guy who was meticulously studying the building.

  Granny dropped her umbrella next to the Big Guy so they could have a conversation without anyone being suspicious.

  “What’s happening?” Granny whispered.

  “Someone broke into AbStract and stole all the jewelry from the jewelry cases. The alarm was turned off and no doors or windows had been pried open. There’s no evidence of a break in. It has to be someone with a key. I’m adding to your duties. I want you to watch all the clerks and employees today too for any suspicious behavior. They’re used to you browsing but they don’t know why you’re browsing.”

  “Why the ambulance?”

  “When Jack Puffleman got to work and noticed the jewelry all gone, he called 911 and then fainted. He claims he didn’t faint but had a whiff of some perfume and then things started to get fuzzy. My opinion: he fainted and doesn’t want to admit it.”

  Granny shook her head, loudly thanked the Big Guy for helping her pick up her umbrella, and proceeded on down the street to start her day at another store until all the hoopla settled down at AbStract.

  The Big Guy, as Granny had dubbed him, watched Granny slowly make her way down the street. He thought he saw her take a skip and a hop as he turned his head back to business at hand at Abstract. Cornelius Ephram Stricknine, his given name at birth, wondered if he had made a bad decision when he had relocated to the quaint town of Fuchsia, Minnesota, to become their lead detective/police chief. Everyone called him “the Big Guy” because of his large, hulking stature. Cornelius preferred it that way since his real name always seemed to evoke loud guffaws or people choking from trying to hold back their laughter at his unusual name. He couldn’t count the strychnine jokes he had endured.

  Preparing to go back into Abstract to investigate the crime brought back memories from his past career that he didn’t want to relive. It wasn’t something he was proud of and he didn’t want to repeat his past mistakes here.

  As he contemplated the task at hand, he hoped this was just an ordinary run of the mill burglary. Fuchsia had seemed to be the perfect, quiet, town to move to. He’d been told it was low on crime, people minded their own business and that it was a neat, orderly town. He was beginning to wonder if he’d been sold a bag of goods, especially when it came to people minding their own business.

  Then there was Granny. She was a little strange. He didn’t quite know what to make of her but she seemed to be part of the package of this job in Fuchsia. Who had ever heard of an undercover Granny?

  Chapter Six

  Granny’s first stop was at Ella’s Enchanted Forest. The owner, Delight Delure, greeted Granny as she walked in the door.

  “Did you see anything strange yesterday at AbStract?” Since Delight knew who Granny was because she also was one of Granny’s customers, Granny felt comfortable talking to her about the heist.

  “Not a thing. The only thing I noticed was this tourist, cute young man. I wish I were forty years younger. I’d have winked at him.”

  Delight remarked, “I’m glad I don’t have anything quite as exciting as diamonds to steal. My shop should be pretty safe from burglars unless they’re hungry and like plants.” Ella’s Enchanted Forest sold tasty chocolates, baked treats to die for, gourmet coffee and unusual plants, trees and floral items. It was “enchanted” because of the goodies to eat and “forest” because of the huge array of greenery and trees that made her shop look like a forest. Her forest room had a retractable roof for the trees to grow tall.

  The conversation ended when customers started pouring into the Enchanted Forest. Granny stuffed a cream puff into her mouth and started meandering around. As she stopped to examine a pin lying on the floor next to a plant, Granny looked up to see the same young man from yesterday watching her. She picked up the pin, straightened up and decided to confront the young man. The only problem was that when she looked up, he was gone. Had she imagined she saw him? Was her fogginess starting to affect her so she was imagining things?

  Granny continued her rounds at the stores, ready to end her day at AbStract. All the hoopla should have settled down now so she could easily observe all the customers. As she walked out of Headache’s Drugstore she thought she saw the red haired old woman Gram Gramstead cruising down the street in the red Corvette. Granny glanced over to where she had parked her own car; it was still there.

  As Granny entered AbStract, she noticed the detectives from Fuchsia’s Police Department still there. She walked over to the almost empty jewelry case. Justine a girl from another department came to help her. “Can I help you, Granny? We had a little problem today so we don’t have much to show you. Those long, dangly, purple and pink, junkyard earrings that you admired the other day were part of what was stolen.”

  “That’s ok, dear. You know mostly I just look. Someone my age and weak like me just wants to grab looks at what we used to be able to wear. Where’s Estelle who usually works this counter?” Granny asked.

  “We don’t know. She didn’t come to work. They can’t find her. They think she might have had something to do with the jewelry heist. They found an earring she was wearing yesterday behind the counter. She could have lost it when she was working, but she was last seen here. It was her night to close and lock up the store.”

  Granny shook her head and turned away from the counter and looked straight into the face of the cute young man who always seemed to be watching her. Granny started over to confront him but all of sudden he was gone.

  Granny turned to Justine, “Justine, do you know that young man who was lurking over there in the corner?”

  “Ah, no.” Justine looked at Granny with a puzzled expression. “I’ve never seen anyone lurking in that corner, ever! There’s nothing there, and if there was a good looking young man anywhere in the store, I’d have noticed! More importantly, he would have noticed me.” Justine shook her long blonde hair, batted her eyes at Granny, gave Granny the look and continued, “After all, who could resist my come hitherness?” Justine flashed a come hither look at Granny, turned away and admired herself in the mirror.

  Granny shook her head in amusement at Justine’s confidence and turned around to take another look, but the good looking young man seemed to have disappeared into thin air. As she started walking out of AbStract deep in thought, she tripped over her own umbrella and started to tumble to the ground. A pair of strong arms caught her from falling. She looked up to see who had rescued her and looked straight into the face of the handsome older man who she had winked at in Rack’s Restaurant the previous night. She quickly wondered if she pretended a faint, if it would buy her a little more time in his arms. You were never too old to imagine romance.

  “Are you all right, young lady?” The man asked and then he winked at her. Granny flustered, blushed and answered in a quiet voice. “I am now.”

  “It’s been awhile since I had someone fall into my arms.”

  Granny blushed again and answered, “It’s been awhile since I fell for someone.” Granny gave a wink and walked out the door. Granny stopped once she was clear of the door and checke
d herself out. She was trembling from head to foot and not with fear but with little prickles of excitement in her heart. That was unusual because Granny wasn’t prone to swooning.

  Granny walked to her car. She could swear she had left the top up, but now it was down, showing the beautiful red interior of her car. Granny hopped in and squealed out of her parking stall, checking first to see that the eagle eyes of the patrolman weren’t watching her.

  Granny pulled into her garage, waving at George, Sally, and Mavis who were out on Mavis’ lawn having an animated discussion. Mavis must have talked them into joining her imaginary reality show. As Granny walked into her house, she greeted Fish and the little white poodle that was still following Fish around as if she were in love. Granny reached down to see what little present Fish had brought her today. At least it wasn’t another poodle. Granny took a minute to wonder who the poodle belonged to before she gazed at the object she had picked up. She couldn’t believe her eyes. It was a long, dangly, purple and pink Junkyard earring just like the ones she had admired in AbStract.

  Granny held the earring in her hand, felt the unique roughness of the jewels and the rusted steel, and wondered if perhaps she actually had put the earring in her pocketbook in her fogginess. Perhaps Fish had been in her pocketbook again and stole it from her. Perhaps the jewel thieves had not taken this pair of earrings but she had.

  “Where did you get this? Where did you get this?” Granny yelled in agitation showing the earring to the lop-eared cat.

  “Meow!” Fish gave her what seemed like a crooked grin, meowed a little louder, nudged the little white poodle and promptly rolled over on the floor and started purring at her feet.

  Granny quickly picked up her pocketbook and dumped out the contents. No, the other earring wasn’t there. Granny wasn’t sure what to make of this. The little white poodle was jumping for attention. Granny noticed he had something dangling from his mouth and was trying to give it to her. She reached down and took it from his mouth. It was another earring but it wasn’t one of Granny’s and Granny had never seen it before. The little white poodle, proud of himself for having a present for Granny too, sidled up to Fish and nuzzled his nose, and playfully plopped down right on top of Fish.