Thirty-Eight Reasons

by Len Webster

  “Remember me. Remember us. Remember how perfect we are together.” It was selfish of him, but he couldn’t help himself, not when it came to Clara.

  That moment before she pulled away was bliss. Clara took a step back and separated them. She shook her head and her eyes searched his.

  “Don’t,” she softly pleaded. “Don’t do this to me, Noel.”

  He took a step closer, which was met with Clara taking another step back.

  “Why are you doing this? You can’t give me words of hope and expect me to fall into your arms. I’m engaged and too much time has come between us. Don’t ruin this night for Alex. Please, don’t do this.” Clara’s eyes watered and he felt the guilt, he was being too forward, but it was the only way.

  “Clara.”

  “It’s too late, Noel.” Her eyes fell to the floor. It didn’t hit his heart like he had expected. He knew for himself that it wasn’t too late. She hadn’t said ‘I do’ to Liam. There was a small glimmer of hope.

  When Clara’s eyes met his, all he saw was the sadness that succumbed her. Noel noticed Liam walking towards them, Noel’s lips pressed tightly together. Liam walked up to them and wrapped his arm around Clara’s waist. Her eyes leaving Noel’s and met Liam’s. That smile that developed on Clara’s face was honest and sliced his heart open. He wasn’t expecting that loving look on her face towards Liam.

  “Clara, I need a little back up with your brother. He doesn’t like the fact that you’ll be an O’Connor soon. Do you mind settling him down a little? I think you were right when you said Alex would want me to be a Lawrence.”

  The hate in Noel grew. His hand immediately retuned to his beer bottle and held it tight.

  Just the idea of her having his name…

  “I warned you, Liam. I knew this topic would come up eventually. Thanks again, Noel. Have a good night,” Clara said sweetly before she stepped out of Liam’s hold and took his hand. Noel could tell she wasn’t doing it on purpose but the sight of them together was killing him inside.

  For all the shit I’ve done to Clara, I deserve that.

  Noel leant on the bar and watched as Clara and Liam walked towards the end of the hall. Clara didn’t look back at him and he felt the anger in him settle. The smile on Liam’s face had Noel seething. They seemed happy and that killed him inside.

  “Nice work. You caught her off guard.”

  He turned slightly to see Julian nodding his head in approval.

  “What if I’m hurting her more by doing this? I pretty much just declared to her that I have every intention of ruining her engagement. I’m a selfish asshole.” Noel shook his head and brought his beer up to his lips and drank the bottle empty.

  “Sure, you’ll confuse her but maybe it’s what she needs. I see the uncertainty in her eyes. I don’t have to know much to see it. You should have seen her when I mentioned your name. It was like that little twinkle in her eye faded away and I could see how much she is hurting over you. If you want my honest opinion, Noel…”

  Noel stood there as they both looked over at Clara as Liam bent down and whispered in her ear, a blush became visible on her cheeks.

  Fuck. That hurt.

  Julian took a step in front of Noel and looked him straight in his eye, blocking his view of Clara and Liam.

  “I say you fight for her. Don’t go to the extremes where she cheats on Liam to be with you, but make her second-guess whether marrying him is what she wants. Remind her of how good you guys had it, before Alex and all that shit happened.” The concern in Julian’s eyes was evident, he understood more than anyone else in this room.

  Noel took one look at Clara as Liam kissed her forehead. Ignoring the clench of his chest, Noel turned around and ordered another drink.

  “What happened to you, Julian?” Noel asked as he took the shot glass in his hand and threw back the whiskey. The burning sensation in the back of his throat was a relief. He needed strong alcohol. He needed it to hide behind all the regret he was living in.

  “What do you mean?”

  The weariness in Julian’s voice had Noel facing him with a raised eyebrow.

  “Come on, Julian. You know about the shit I’m going through. We told each other everything. Even when you told me you lost your virginity to your neighbour’s niece.”

  Julian let out a burst of laughter. “And how she laughed after we had sex. Probably the worst way to lose your virginity, but hey, I was one horny teenager.”

  Noel set the shot glass on the bar and laughed along.

  “I told you everything, didn’t I?”

  Noel pressed his lips together and nodded.

  Julian ran his hand through his hair and let out a heavy groan. “Don’t tell Rob, okay?”

  “Promise.”

  “I moved because I didn’t want to tell Rob that I fell in love. He’d call me a fucking pussy, but she ripped out my heart and left me. We spent this unforgettable week together in Thailand and I took her virginity. I wasn’t expecting it, but I felt grateful that she could trust me. I had this plan to tell her everything about me and have her tell me where she came from. I wanted to know everything about her. I woke up the next morning and she was gone. I thought she went to the beach but nothing. I know nothing about her.” Julian’s voice went soft as he stared at the wood of the bar. “Want to know something crazy?” Julian asked as he looked up and pushed off the bar.

  “Yeah.”

  “I’ve spent over three years looking for her. All I have is her first name and this old book she left behind. I think I’ve read it a million times. I know every little note written, every stain and every creased page. I ran because well, I was confused. I never had a woman just leave me after sex before, especially not one that I fell in love with. When I was with her, she made me forget about the pressure of being Rob’s brother. She made me forget about life back home. She gave me this taste of freedom and it was like she saw something good in me. She just wanted to be around me. And no one has looked at me the way she did since. She’s unforgettable.”

  “Shit. I’m sorry, man. For what it’s worth, I understand what you’re going through. There’s hope, you just got to find her,” Noel said.

  Julian let out a short laugh and shook his head. “I think it’s time I give up. It’s been years, Noel. Who knows, she’s probably forgotten about me. Got some sort of fairy tale life. Guess her book is just a memento for me.”

  Before Noel could offer his support, Andrea approached them both with a smile.

  “Hi, you must be Julian,” she said and put forward her hand.

  Julian looked at Andrea’s hand before he looked across the room at Clara. There was a forced smile on Julian’s face before he placed his hand in hers and said, “Yeah, and you’re Andrea.”

  “You’re Rob’s brother, right?” Andrea asked.

  Noel looked at the locket. He thought he hid it and seeing it around her neck made his stomach drop.

  It looks wrong around Andrea.

  “Yeah, I’m related to that kid, unfortunately. Which reminds me, I need a word with him. It was lovely meeting you, Andrea. Looking forward to getting to know you.” Julian excused himself.

  Andrea turned to face him and then her smile began to fade. He couldn’t take his eyes off Clara’s locket. Noel stepped closer to her and traced the locket that clasped around her neck.

  “Andrea, where did you find this?” he asked, his eyes darting up to hers. He thought he’d never see that locket again.

  If she tried to open the locket, she’d find my note to Clara.

  “You don’t remember?” she asked astonished.

  “What do you mean?” Noel’s fingers left the locket and he ran his hand through his hair.

  Remember? What the hell did I do?

  “Noel, you gave me this locket. You and Alex went out drinking one night when he was in Boston. You came back and tore apart our bedroom and told me to hold on to it. You said it was someone’s you lost and loved. I asked you but you wouldn’t
say. You asked me to wear it.”

  Noel’s mouth dropped. He knew the exact night Andrea was talking about. It was the night Alex found out that his parents’ wouldn’t be attending Clara’s wedding.

  I keep fucking up!

  Noel covered both hands over his face and stifled the roar that rumbled in his chest. Andrea’s fingers wrapped around his wrists and pulled his hands from his face. That sad look in her eyes had him frowning. She raised her hands around her neck and unclasped the locket. She held Noel’s hand out and placed the locket in his palm.

  “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have worn something that didn’t belong to me. You were drunk. I shouldn’t have taken advantage of that. That person you lost, who was she?” Andrea asked as she closed Noel’s hand. Those blue eyes were curious and beautiful.

  “Someone from long ago,” he replied softly. Noel opened his hand and stared at the locket. He’d find a way to return it to Clara. He couldn’t be like Julian and hold onto it for years, waiting. Andrea understood and he felt guilty for what he was doing to her.

  She took the locket from Noel’s hand, smiled, and placed it in his jacket pocket. Her hands reached for the back of his head and lowered his lips to hers. Her lips didn’t have the affect they once did. He hoped with each movement of her mouth, that burst of emotions would happen. But it never occurred. Noel placed his hands on Andrea’s cheeks, pulled her back and looked her straight in the eye. She loved him. Those blue eyes couldn’t deny it.

  “I’m sorry, Andrea,” Noel said as he pulled her in and held her tightly in his arms. He wasn’t sure what he was apologising for exactly but he was sorry. As he held Andrea tightly, he looked up. He saw Clara standing alone near the exit watching them and his eyes met hers. The pain in Clara’s eyes tore right through him. He wanted to run to her and be the one to kiss her if he knew it wouldn’t hurt her more.

  He unwrapped his arms from Andrea and straightened his body. He watched Clara looked down at the floor and then to her left. Noel’s eyes followed to see Liam offering her his jacket. Clara smiled and placed her arms through the sleeves. Liam adjusted the large jacket on her before he whispered in her ear. Clara nodded, her eyes meeting Noel's one last time before she turned and left through the double doors.

  “Clara’s really beautiful. She’d make a beautiful bride, Noel.”

  Noel watched the doors swing close. He looked at Andrea and nodded his head.

  “She would make a beautiful wife.”

  To hear those words mended her, but to see them kiss only moments later broke that mend. She was used to disappointment but this time those words were the words that brought with it hope.

  I shouldn’t hold onto hope. After everything, there was no such thing. I already hurt Noel. I can’t hurt Liam.

  “You all right, Clara?” Liam stood in front of his rental car and stared at her.

  She smiled to reassure him. “Yeah, I’m okay.”

  Liam stepped in front of Clara and took both her hands in his. His fingers traced the ring. She looked up to see the sorrow in Liam’s hazel eyes, confusing her.

  “I’m sorry, Clara. I should have come to New York when you did. I shouldn’t have let you come alone. I let Dad suck me into another investment deal. I should have said no—”

  Clara moved her hands from his and rested them on both sides of his cheeks, stopping him from continuing.

  “You have nothing to be sorry about, Liam. I’ve told you this. I’m glad you’re here. You shouldn’t have left in the middle of the deal. Are you sure they're going to be okay?” Clara asked worriedly. She didn’t want to be the reason for the company to lose an important investment.

  “They need me more than I need them, Clara. Expanding investments to Asia was Dad’s idea. My portfolio is profitable. Money isn’t important, not when I have you.”

  Clara laughed lightly. “You can be so cheesy sometimes, you know that right?”

  He nodded. The cool wind hit her skin and she shivered. Liam reached for the button on his suit jacket and buttoned it. He ran his hand along her right arm until he entwined his fingers with hers.

  “Clara, hey! Wait up a sec.”

  She turned her head to see Julian running up to the rental car, his eyes immediately taking in the image of Clara and Liam holding hands. He stared for a moment before he looked up at them both.

  Julian placed both his hands in his pockets and cleared his throat. “Ahh, are you guys heading off to Alex’s? Or have you got a room booked in a hotel or something?”

  Clara quickly looked at Liam, arching her brow.

  “Unless Clara opposes, I’d like to stay with her, if that’s okay?” Liam asked, hopefully.

  Clara let out a laugh at his innocent question. “I’d be offended if you got a hotel room.”

  Liam smiled largely at her and squeezed her hand.

  “Well, we’re off to Alex’s. You want a lift, Julian?” Liam asked. Clara watched the surprise take Julian’s face. She was sure he didn’t expect Liam to be so friendly.

  “Sure, thanks, mate. I was expecting to be turned down. Thought you wanted some alone time with the fiancée.” Julian wiggled his eyebrows at them.

  Clara annoyingly shook her head. “Get in the car, Julian! Before I decide to revoke Liam’s offer and make you walk.”

  That pout and eye roll he pulled was a Julian Moors trademark. One Clara knew well. Liam laughed as he let go of Clara’s hand and held open the car door for her.

  “You’re a pain in the ass, Julian Moors,” Clara said as she got into the car.

  “Yeah, yeah. You’ve missed me,” he stated.

  ⌘

  Liam parked the car on the side of the road, leaving room for Keira to park on the driveway. It was close to one in the morning. As tired as she felt, too much happened at the party for her to find any sleep. She was sure she’d be staring at the ceiling, thinking about the promise Noel made to get in the way of her wedding to Liam.

  “I’ll get my bags, Clara. I’ll meet you inside,” Liam said once he opened the passenger-side door for her. Clara got out of the car and nodded. She heard the sound of car door open and close. She turned to see Julian standing there, observing them.

  He didn’t want just a ride, did he?

  Clara opened her small clutch and took out Keira’s house key. The wind picked up and pierced her exposed skin. The numbness that Julian delivered started to dissipate. Clara walked around the rental car and up to the front door of his brother’s house. She put the key in the lock and opened the door.

  She walked into the hallway and placed the house keys on the long table against the wall. She turned around to see Julian with his hands in his pockets. Being so connected with every one of her brother’s best friends was tough. She couldn’t escape them or Noel. Their lives entwined with hers. She tried to forget, but it was impossible.

  She casually shrugged at him, fiddling with the clasp of the clutch. Clara pressed her lips together and looked down at her engagement ring. She breathed in sharply and looked up at Julian’s needy eyes. He wanted an explanation. He’d been asking ‘why?’ the whole time they were at the party.

  “Look, I know you don’t like that I’m getting married to him, but he makes me happy. It’s different with Liam. I don’t have to compete with his past or anyone. I can honestly love him and not be afraid someone or something will take him away from me. I need him and I know it’s not the same as Noel but it’s real. I love Liam and I’m proud to be his fiancée. He made the pain go away.”

  Clara twisted the platinum ring around her finger and watched as Julian processed what she said carefully. He frowned and removed his hands from his pockets.

  “I get it. Too much time has passed for you and Noel. You’ve got the fairy tale ending…”

  That smile of his assured her that he understood and Clara let out a sigh of relief. Julian walked towards the stairs that led to the guest rooms. He started to climb the steps when he paused and turned to face her.

 
“But is this your fairy tale ending, Clara? Are you sure you aren’t taking someone else’s ending?” Julian asked.

  All air left her lungs, shocked and unsure how to respond. With a satisfied nod, Julian walked upstairs. The thumps of her heart had Clara breathless.

  Could I really be taking someone else’s ending?

  ⌘

  Clara lay on her back as she stared at the ceiling. She fell asleep for a little while but a dream of Noel woke her. The dream had him at the end of the alter waiting for her. Alex was his best man and Liam sat with the guests, holding hands with a woman she couldn’t see. When it came time to speak now, the room was quiet, no one objected and those green eyes started to water. That first kiss as Noel’s wife never happened as Clara woke up from her dream, gasping.

  She never fell back asleep. Instead she looked up at the ceiling and waited for time to pass. Clara let Liam sleep since he was exhausted from travelling from Singapore to New York to attend her brother’s birthday party. She looked at the alarm clock and breathed out. The sun would be rising soon and it was something she liked to do when she was in New York. The sunrises were different from back home in Melbourne and it was something she enjoyed.

  Clara lifted Liam’s arm off her stomach and rested it on the bed. She loved the look of him sleeping. When Liam was asleep, he looked at peace and free. He didn’t have to worry about his family’s company or the wedding. Those constant worry lines never appeared when he slept next to her.

  She walked over to the small arm chair in the corner of the room and placed Liam’s hoodie over her. It would be warmer during the day, but the early morning winds were harsh. She tiptoed out of the bedroom and carefully closed the door behind her. Clara knew everyone got home much later than she and Liam did, so she was careful not to make much noise. A house full of hung-over men was something she didn’t want to mess with. She walked down the stairs and to the double doors that led out to the patio.

  Closing them behind her, Clara walked towards the edge of the porch, the cold wind hitting her exposed legs. She cursed herself for wearing a short nightdress instead of pajama pants. But she was thankful to have Liam’s hoodie on her. She hugged herself and smelt that familiar citrus smell of him.