Thirty-Eight Reasons

by Len Webster

  Liam’s safe.

  Alex’s backyard was larger than the one they grew up with back home in Australia. She could see it, her future nieces and nephews, running around with her brother and Keira. The house filled with the sounds of tiny footsteps every moment of the day. She wanted it for Alex and hoped she'd have it herself one day. The sun started to poke through the spaces the tree branches made. The sight was utterly beautiful. Shades of orange and yellow displayed before her eyes were stunning.

  “Clara.”

  The voice called to her heart, making it dance and ache inside of her chest. Clara bit the inside of her cheek, trying to fight against the feelings that came rising when he spoke her name. Her fingers automatically found the strings of the hoodie and she fiddled with them. After a deep breath, she turned to see him.

  “Good morning, Noel,” she said sweetly. It didn’t help that those green eyes were the ones she dreamed of. Her memories didn’t do him justice. He was as beautiful as ever.

  I had a dream of marrying you.

  Her eyes refused to look at the engagement ring on her finger instead she kept them focused on those green eyes. Those same green that made her believe at one point he loved her.

  “What are you doing up so early?” she asked. Clara assumed he’d be hung-over like the rest of the boys would be.

  “Couldn’t sleep, really. I heard a sound outside and looked out the window to see you out here. I thought you could use some company.” His voice was mixed with caution and hope.

  She should go inside and go back to bed. But that dream and what he said at the party had her confused and willing to have him join her. Common sense told her to think it through. Clara stared at the two mugs in his hand and then looked up to see a sweet smile on his face.

  Why does he have to make it so hard?

  “Noel, I don’t think you should be sneaking out of her bed to join me. I just needed air.”

  He stepped forward and handed her a hot mug. Clara wrapped her fingers around the handle as he looked up at her. Those green eyes held every inch of sadness she felt.

  “I don’t want to miss a moment with you. All I have is now, Clara. And I’m afraid that’s all I’ll ever have. My best days were the ones I spent with you. If standing next to you while you get some air is all I’m going to get, then I’ll take it. I’ll always meet you on this porch at sunrise, if you'll let me?”

  Surprise registered on her face and she was momentarily out of breath.

  I want those sunrises together.

  CHAPTER TEN

  Little by little he hoped somehow she’d let him in. The way the rising sun hit her skin and her messy curls had him remembering the times he woke up with her in his arms. The way the light radiated off her as she slept was a memory he reflected upon frequently. What he didn’t like was the way Liam’s hoodie kept her warm from the morning chill. The sudden urge to lift that hoodie off of her was animalistic. Noel watched as a shy smile appeared on Clara’s beautiful face.

  God, I miss that smile.

  “Okay,” she breathed out.

  Noel stared at Clara as she tucked her hair behind her ear and smiled again.

  “Okay?” he asked, unbelievably.

  Clara moved the cup from one hand to the other before she looked up at him. Those big brown eyes still had their way with him.

  “We’ll have sunrise together, Noel…”

  His breath caught in his throat and a need to throw his arms around her strengthened. He just needed her in his life again.

  “But only in the most platonic of ways.”

  For now it would be enough. He knew she wouldn’t be willing to offer more, not just yet. He’d find a way for them both to have more.

  “Right, you and I, platonic. Got it.” He winked. Noel stepped around Clara, ensuring his hand brushed against hers. Clara tensed against his touch.

  There’s no way I’m going to let us stay platonic. It’s impossible.

  Noel walked across the porch and sat on the step that led down to the paved path. He sat his ceramic mug down next to him as he watched the sun rise above the tall trees. He didn’t hear a sound behind him and he feared she had snuck back inside. Noel turned to see Clara staring at her cup with that little frown.

  “Thought we were watching the sunrise together, Clara?”

  She looked up from the tea and her frown disappeared, instead a sweet smile replaced it.

  “We are,” she said. Clara wrapped both hands around mug handle, walked over to the step and sat next to him, her body close. The temptation to wrap his arm around her filled his system. If it had been different, he imagined Clara resting her head on his shoulder and telling him that he was what she needed.

  Clara brought the mug to her lips and sipped on the tea. She didn’t say anything to him as she continued to watch the sun start to climb. The way she looked at the sky with such wonder reminded him of the first time he watched her make cupcakes. The inspired look on her face was truly beautiful.

  “Noel,” she breathed out his name and her eyes met his. He noticed a slight pink colour tint her cheeks. Clara placed her cup between them and looked up to him.

  “Stop staring at me. The sun is that way,” she pointed out with a raised eyebrow.

  Noel let out a chuckle and watched as Clara’s hair untangled from behind her ear. Leaning forward, he brushed her loose hair out of her face and tucked it behind her ear again. Clara’s eyes widened. Noel placed the palm of his hand on her right cheek. The contact of his skin on her warm cheek had his heart clenching.

  This moment is ours.

  Noel looked straight in Clara’s eyes, he expected she’d pull away, but all she did was stare at him. In this moment, he was very aware of how much he loved her.

  “You’re my sun, Clara. When I see you, I am always drawn to you. And when you go away, you take my heart with you.” All he had was the truth to give and with such circumstances against them, the truth was all that mattered.

  Clara’s lips made a fine line and her eyes fell to the ground for a moment before she looked back up to him.

  “Noel, you promised we’d be platonic.” Her brown eyes watered with unshed tears.

  “You didn’t define what kind of platonic relationship we’d have together,” he stated as he placed his right hand on her cheek and brought her face close to his.

  Clara blinked and her lips parted slightly. “The one where all we have is a friendship.”

  She pulled back, to his disappointment, and placed her hands in her lap. He noticed Clara fiddle with her engagement ring. The large oval diamond surrounded by smaller ones had him lifting his eyes, not wanting a reminder of what he didn’t get the chance to do.

  Noel didn’t reply. He didn’t know how to form the words to respond. His heart dipped. The concept of a friendship with her was more than he deserved but it wasn’t enough for him.

  “Noel, say something.” Clara’s voice sounded small and fragile. Noel noticed her fingers fiddling with the strings of Liam’s hoodie and he forced a smile.

  I don’t want to be her friend. I want to be Liam. I want to have her and hold her. I want to be what she needs not what makes her run away.

  “You don’t want to be friends. I get it.” The shakiness in her voice caused his chest to tighten. Clara stood up, leaving her cup behind.

  He watched those toned legs start to walk away. The same pair that had once been wrapped around his waist as they made love. The fear of losing her had him on his feet and taking her by the hand, stopping her. Noel stepped in front of Clara and held her right hand firmly in his.

  Breathing in deeply he took Clara’s left hand and entwined their fingers together. He brought their hands up to her face and Clara’s looked at them intently.

  “This is how perfect we are together, Clara,” he said before removing his hand from hers and placing it on his chest, above his heart. “The way my heart beats for you is the same as it did back in Melbourne. When you came to Boston, did you co
me for me?”

  Clara kept her hand on his chest and then pulled away. She looked around their surroundings before she ran her hand through her curls and breathed out.

  “I—” was all she got out before the sound of the doors leading onto the porch opened and silenced her.

  “Good morning, Noel.” He heard a sweet voice behind him.

  Clara placed her hands into the pocket of the hoodie she wore. Noel turned around to see Keira stepping onto the porch. She stilled the moment she took in the sight of Clara next to him.

  “And Clara!” The glee was evident in Keira’s eyes at the fact that she caught them together.

  Damn it, Keira!

  “How’s Alex going?” Clara asked.

  Noel knew that their discussion had ended. Until the next sunrise, he wouldn’t have her alone again. Keira’s eyes met Noel’s before moving to Clara. He saw the apology in her eyes and Noel balled his fists, his opportunity lost.

  “He’s going to be very hung-over. I think the other boys, too. You guys want breakfast?” Keira asked as she knotted the ties of her dressing gown.

  “Thanks, Keira, but I’m going back to bed. I didn’t get much sleep. I think I’ll go lie down for a little while,” Clara said as she walked past Noel.

  “Oh, all right then, Clara,” Keira said.

  Clara walked past Keira and entered the house. Once he couldn’t see Clara through the glass panels of the door, Noel walked up to Keira. She had her hands up to stop him.

  “I’m sorry, I had no idea that you two were alone. I wouldn’t have disturbed you both,” she apologised.

  Noel shrugged. “Your timing is awful, Keira.”

  He laughed and Keira raised an eyebrow.

  “My timing is awful? Noel, I think that title goes to you. Look, I love Alex but what you do to Clara affects him and therefore me. I love Clara like a sister and I don’t want to see her hurt but…” Keira stopped and stepped towards him. “Let’s take a walk around the garden together. I don’t want someone accidentally hearing us. What do you say?”

  He nodded. “Lead the way.”

  ⌘

  Two sunrises passed since their first together. The topic of ‘them’ was off limits. When they spoke it was minimal. He was losing time, but he couldn’t push her further into the arms of Liam. Noel would walk onto the porch and see Clara already sitting on the step as the sun started to rise. He’d sit next to her until she got up after the sun had risen brightly and returned inside the house and to her room.

  It was late afternoon when he walked into the kitchen and to the smell of cinnamon and apple in the air. The first thing he noticed was Clara’s hair tied up in a high ponytail as she sliced an apple. She didn’t notice him and he took this moment to watch her, immortalise her in his memory.

  Clara stopped chopping and she looked up from the cutting board. She ran the knife under the apple slices and used the blade to lift the slices and place them in a bowl. Clara placed the knife down and reached for the tea towel.

  “Hey,” she said softly as she wiped her hands on the towel. Clara’s eyes not meeting his as she smiled.

  “What smells nice?”

  Noel turned to see Liam entering the kitchen from the other entry. His head nodded Noel’s way as he walked over to Clara and gave her a kiss on the cheek. Noel realised it was Liam she was speaking to and the disappointment settled in his veins.

  “Keira’s favourite. Want to help?” she asked Liam and handed him an apple.

  “Love to. I just got off the phone with Ally. She says she’ll call you later to see if you were coming up to Sydney to go dress shopping or if she had to come down to Melbourne.” Liam reached over, took the knife and started to peel it.

  Clara’s eyes met Noel's and he saw the confusion in those brown eyes. Clara closed her eyes tightly for a second before she turned to face Liam.

  “Ask her if she’s okay with coming down to Melbourne. Stevie and Annie want to come as well and it’ll work out better that way.”

  Clara’s voice didn’t sound convincing, but it was enough to make Noel turn and walk out of the kitchen. The thought of her trying on wedding dresses made him sick.

  Walking towards the doors that led to the garden, he could see the boys still kicking the football on the grass. Only two days ago he walked through the garden with Keira. She had explained that the first time she met Clara in person was the first time Alex found out about his sister’s engagement and time in Boston. Hearing that Clara cried in Alex’s arms over him not letting her explain caused the guilt in Noel to well up. His chest burned and screamed for him to fix the mess they were both in.

  Noel walked over to the step and sat down on it. He watched as Julian complained to Max about Rob’s awful kick. The brothers arguing as Max stood in the middle trying to keep the peace. Alex was to the side laughing until he spotted Noel. Alex didn’t say anything as he walked away from the others and joined him on the step.

  “Where are the girls?” Noel asked as he scanned the garden for Keira and Andrea.

  “Went down to DeCicco's to grab stuff for tea,” Alex replied.

  They watched Rob put Julian in a headlock. Max pulling Rob off Julian. Noel and Alex sat there watching them as they returned to kicking the football back and forth.

  “How you holding up?”

  Noel turned to see Alex staring at their friends.

  “What do you mean, Alex?”

  There was a short laugh from Alex before he turned to face Noel.

  “How are you doing with Liam being here with Clara?”

  Noel breathed out and looked back out at the garden. “I can’t take seeing him with her. I hate knowing that when she goes to sleep, she’s in his arms. I hate the idea of her marrying him. I heard Clara talking about her wedding dress.”

  “You know it’s a two way street, right?”

  Noel knew what Alex meant and he nodded.

  “Whatever you say won’t mean anything to Clara, not when you’re still with Andy. If I had it my way you’d be with my sister and all this wouldn’t be happening but shit happened. You don’t want to hear what I’m about to say but I like Liam marrying my sister. He doesn’t hurt her and he makes her happy. He can provide for her and give her a happy life in Melbourne. Them getting married makes sense.”

  Noel’s eye fell to his hands. He definitely didn’t want to hear Alex’s approval. “It doesn’t make sense to me, Alex. Clara’s meant to be with me. I shouldn’t have lost her when I did.”

  Clara heard the soft sound of her alarm ringing. She opened her eyes and reached for her phone to turn it off. She rubbed her eyes as she placed it back on the bedside table.

  “Clara,” Liam mumbled.

  She turned on her side and placed her hand on his naked chest.

  “Go back to sleep, Liam,” she softly said and placed a kiss on his cheek.

  He moved and wrapped his arms around her. “I love you,” he mumbled still asleep.

  Clara closed her eyes tightly at his words. “I love you, too,” she whispered back.

  The words didn't feel right and it made her feel guilty. She shouldn’t have come back to the States. She ended up more confused about her engagement than ever. Liam was her source of comfort and their time baking Keira’s cupcakes made her very aware of her love for him.

  However, Clara knew her love for Liam differed from the loved she had for Noel. She wanted to make Liam happy and that drove her to make the decisions she had. The minutes ticked by as she watched him sleep. With Liam it was easy; she didn’t have to worry about whether or not he’d hurt her. She didn’t have to compete with his past.

  When Liam’s arms started to loosen around her, Clara stayed. She didn’t immediately get up from the bed. Instead she lay there and studied his features. To be his wife and the mother of his children someday would be an honour. But as much as it was a future she felt she could live with, what Julian said the night of Alex’s party haunted her.

  Am I really takin
g some other woman’s happy ending with Liam? And am I also taking away Liam’s true happiness by him staying with me?

  She closed her eyes and pushed the thought away. Liam was sure his future was with Clara and that was more than enough for her. When she returned to Melbourne she’d find her wedding dress and she’d say ‘I do.’ Opening her eyes, Clara slowly lifted Liam’s arm off her. She silently got out of bed and placed the covers over him properly.

  Clara turned to the small chair in the corner and saw Liam’s hoodie she wore the mornings before. She walked over to it and held it in her hands. A sense of sadness overwhelmed her and she put it down. Instead she turned and picked up a woolen cardigan that hung on the hook behind the door. She fed her arms through the sleeves and reached for the door handle. She turned to see Liam still asleep and the sight of him had her almost removing the cardigan and going back to bed to be with him.

  Noel will be meeting me on the porch soon.

  The sudden burst of her heart had Clara gripping the handle and turned it. Her heart needed to see him even though she knew it was making it harder for her to marry Liam. Clara closed the door behind her and walked silently down the steps. When she reached the double doors that led to the porch she was surprised to see Noel leaning on the pillar. Clara smiled at the sight of him, ignoring the way her heart violently clenched. She breathed deeply to calm the butterflies she felt and raised her shaky hands on the handle to open the door.

  “Noel,” she said.

  He turned around at the sound of her voice and that smile that developed had her breathless. Those green eyes were gentle and beautiful and for a moment she believed he only had eyes for her.

  “I didn’t think you’d show.” He smiled.

  “I slept through my alarm,” she lied.

  Before she could even step towards him and sit on the step, Noel walked to her and took her hand in his. Jolts of emotions caused her heart to stop. She looked at their hands and then at Noel. A smile so sincere and loving that she didn’t pull away. He walked her to the step and they sat next to each other, never letting her go.