Thirty-Eight Reasons

by Len Webster

  Clara leaned back into the wooden bench and tilted her head at Julian. She saw the sadness in those beautiful blue eyes. His untold story had her curious and weary. One day she would ask him and one day she hoped the truth would set him free. Clara placed her hand on Julian’s thigh and nodded for him to continue.

  Julian breathed in deeply, placed his hand over hers and said, “Don’t marry the person you think you can live with; marry only the individual you think you can’t live without.”

  The quote he recited had Clara’s heart stopping. The honesty in those simple words had her eyes focused on her engagement ring. Once upon a time ago, his mother was in her position. Clara was too afraid to ask Julian of his mother’s choice but from what Clara remembered of her, she loved her husband.

  “Clara,” he softly said, her name settling in the silent village before vanishing into the atmosphere. “My mother loved my father. She chose the only man she would ever love and the only man she couldn’t live without. My mother died loving my father until her very last breath and knowing that woman, she’ll love him to eternity. You owe yourself some happiness. Let it be with the person you choose to spend the rest of your life with. Forget that I’m friends with Noel. Right here, right now, I’m your friend. Be strong and brave enough to choose the person you can’t live without. As my friend, Clara, promise me that you’ll do this for me.”

  Marry only the individual you think you can’t live without.

  The quote ran through her mind on a continuous loop. The one she couldn’t live without would be the one she'd married. She had hopes that this one quote would lead her in the right direction. The same quote that guided Julian’s mother to his father.

  “Thank you, Julian.”

  “I’m your friend too, Clara. I don’t like seeing you so conflicted. When you make a choice, tell the person you don’t choose goodbye.” The look of utter pain engulfed his eyes and she knew he was talking about his own personal experiences. “I know it’ll be hard, but say goodbye to the one you don’t choose. Goodbyes are hard, Clara. But never getting one is worse. It leaves open a door that should have been bolted shut. It makes you believe and hope for things you shouldn’t. Goodbyes let’s a person know that you are never coming back for them. Goodbyes put people out of their misery, no matter how much it hurts. Goodbye means you don’t have to wait anymore.” Julian’s fists clenched so tight that she saw his knuckles turn a violent and bright white colour.

  Julian never got his goodbye… I can’t do that to either Noel or Liam.

  Clara reached over and unclenched Julian’s fist. She entwined her fingers with his and squeezed his calloused hand. He’ll always be the foolish boy she once grew up with, not the heartbroken man that tried not to cry in her presence.

  “I promise I’ll give him a goodbye. Whoever I don’t choose will get a proper goodbye. It’s what he deserves.”

  CHAPTER THIRTEEN

  Eight days passed since he felt those lips touch his ever so slightly. August quickly passed and September twenty-third would fast approach him. Three weeks and four days until her wedding. Clara had six more days before he demanded an answer. Back in New York, he never said goodbye to her when she left with Liam. Goodbye meant the end, and Noel was sure they hadn’t reached those two words yet.

  The moment he returned from New York things felt almost stale. His relationship faltered and the heavy workload assigned by Gregson added to the strain. Both he and Andrea had performance reviews being conducted by senior management. He was waiting for word on whether he’d make it to a senior executive and Andrea was waiting to hear if she made it as the accounting firm’s senior lawyer. Later nights at the office meant little time with each other.

  In some way Noel appreciated the distractions that came with their performance reviews. The more he focused on meeting deadlines and efficiency levels, the less he thought about Clara’s impending decision. As for intimacy went, he had only gone as far as kissing Andrea. Every time they got close to having sex, a phone call from work would interrupt them or a flash of Clara’s smile broke through. He was slowly pulling away from Andrea in hopes of something with Clara.

  He loved Andrea, cared for her enough to have her move in. If things had been different and Noel had never returned to Melbourne, she’d be the one he spent forever with. But the universe was funny like that. The universe seemed to decided how he’d love and whom he’d love. It was no longer a matter of choice anymore. His love for Clara burned through the iron gates that once guarded his heart. After Valerie, he promised himself to no other until Clara entered his life and slammed that door in his face. Twice.

  He remembered the last time he saw Valerie, even the last words he spoke to her. Throughout high school he believed he’d marry her. Little did he know that the love he needed was the love hidden before his very own eyes. Clara Lawrence, little sister of his best friend. Noel wished that the teenage him had once taken better care of her. But he didn’t. The moment he left with Alex for the US, Noel felt free of Alex’s clingy little sister.

  That was before he knew of Clara’s actual life. The loneliness behind those hopeful young eyes was a projection of deception. Noel played a part in her loneliness and leaving her unprotected from her parents. He was the one that deprived Clara of her brother’s love. The selfish little things he did to keep Alex staying longer in the US had an affect on Clara, one that he didn’t know of.

  I’d take it all back, but it would mean I’d never have what I did with her. I rather live with the regret of losing her than never being able to love her.

  He leaned into the leather chair and breathed out. If he knew he’d come out loving Clara, he wouldn’t have treated her so wrong. But those memories brought them together: the locket, the tulip and the toucans. He believed they were made for each other. It just took them growing up to see that. Moving the reports aside, Noel looked at his surroundings. He was working towards a promotion he was going to give up for her.

  I’d give this all up, just like last time.

  He didn’t want the large office, the view of the city or even the high-end pay. He just wanted Clara. Noel spent his nights hoping that her time in Singapore didn’t have her falling back in love with Liam. He should have stopped her, but this time it was he who had to be selfless and let her go. He wanted Clara’s choice to be the one she chose willingly and not one he convinced her to make. He didn’t want her to be convinced. Noel wanted Clara to undoubtedly know without a single hint of hesitation.

  “Noel.”

  He looked up to see Andrea by the door. The exhaustion on her face had him frowning. She walked into his office and sat on a chair in front of his desk.

  Before he could ask her what was wrong, Andrea sighed out and said, “I didn’t make senior lawyer.”

  “Then who did? No one has more experience than you. This is ridiculous, I’ll go speak to Gregson myself.”

  Andrea let out a short laugh and shook her head.

  “Michael got the position. Jerk-bag got up in Gregson’s daughter and he got it. You don’t need to do that, Noel. It’ll ruin your chances of becoming a senior executive. I know how hard you’ve worked.” Andrea removed her jacket and placed it on the desk.

  “I’m going back to Phoenix tonight,” she announced.

  Noel flinched and was surprised by what she said. “I hate this company, Noel. I hate Gregson too. Dad’s got a few contracts lined up and wants me to have a look at them. I haven’t been home since before I came here from Washington. I need a break from this place and see my family. I’d like you to come, but I don’t want to risk your chances of that promotion. I’ll only be gone a few weeks. Once I get back we can celebrate you being an executive.” Andrea stood up from the chair and picked up her jacket.

  Noel stood up from his and went around the desk. He knew she was escaping from not getting the senior position.

  “Andrea, I’m sorry,” he said and pulled her into his arms.

  “Noel, you don’t need
to be. I’ll be okay. Some time off is what I need. HR has been threatening me to take my annual so why not now. I’ve got two contracts to draft up and now that I’m on vacation, Michael’s going to have a hell of a time replacing me for these contracts.” Andrea looked pleased with herself.

  “You want me to take you to the airport? I can pack this all up and do it from home?” Noel asked. Her blue eyes were clear and beautiful, but they weren't the eyes he longed for.

  “Not necessary. I’m going to take a nice long hot bath before I catch my flight. I’m sorry that I’m leaving you here on your own. I know things between us have changed since we got back from New York but I swear, I’m all yours once I get back from Phoenix.” Andrea’s love was one he didn’t deserve. Not when he loved Clara more than life itself.

  When she comes back I’ll end things, even if Clara doesn’t choose me.

  ⌘

  After a visit to the bar down the block, Noel unlocked his front door to a quiet apartment. Andrea called him after he left the office shortly after nine p.m. She arrived safely in Arizona and Noel found himself in a bar. The moment he entered his apartment, he dropped his briefcase, removed his tie and it joined his briefcase on the floor. He walked to the fridge and took out a beer bottle.

  He settled into the couch and decided to continue where he left off after he left the bar, and that was to continue drinking. Noel pulled out his phone and stared at the screen. He did nothing but keep an eye on his phone since Clara left New York. Unlocking it, he pulled up Clara’s messages. Once she made a decision, she would find her way to him but he heard nothing from her. Noel saw the last message he ever sent Clara.

  Noel: I’ll always love you, Clara. Always.

  And that promise went fulfilled. He still loved her and would always love her. It was a matter of her heart. Her heart’s choice. Liam offered her a marriage, money and a life in Melbourne. Noel could only offer Clara his love and a life together. He’d leave Boston for her that was always his intentions. He didn’t have millions like Liam but he made enough to provide for her.

  I can make her happy. I did once.

  Noel placed his untouched beer on the coffee table and let the alcohol already in his system do the talking.

  Noel: Please find your way back to me, Clara. I love you.

  After he pressed send Noel reached for his beer and chugged it down. He wasn’t going to expect a reply. He knew he was making it harder for her but he felt like she needed a reminder. Noel wanted to talk. His first instinct was Alex but he never felt comfortable talking about Clara to him. He thought of his co-worker, Damien, but he moved out to the Florida office. Noel knew he could turn to the one person who helped him and Clara last year.

  He searched through his contacts until he got to Rob’s number. Noel leaned into the leather couch as he waited for Rob to pick up but he was only met with the voicemail. Noel tried once more but came to the same outcome. He looked at the clock to see it was one a.m. in Boston and only five thirty p.m. back in Melbourne. Sighing, he went back into his contacts and decided to call someone else. He needed to hear from one of his childhood friends. He listened to the phone ring until he picked up.

  “Noel?”

  He heard heavy pants on the other end.

  “Max, what’s up?”

  “Not a good time, man!” Max let out a groan and Noel rolled his eyes.

  “Babe! Stop! I’m on the phone,” Max breathed out.

  Noel shook his head and pulled his feet up on the coffee table. “Dude, isn’t it like five o’clock there? You want me to call back when you’re finished?”

  He heard movements until Max said, “Nah, you never call me. It must be important. I’ll, uhh, get back to her in a minute. We needed a break anyway.”

  “You sure? I don’t want to be a cock block. If you need this lay then hang up,” Noel said.

  Max laughed. “I mean, you are being one, but when my best friend needs me, I’m there. We made that pact when we started kindergarten, so what’s—”

  “Max, do you want anything to eat?” The female’s voice asked, cutting off Max.

  Noel tensed.

  That voice.

  The line went quiet and Noel sat there in disbelief. He sat up from the couch and shook his head. He ran his fingers through his hair and he couldn’t understand what would make Max run to her.

  “Noel, listen, I can explain,” Max quickly said.

  “What the fuck, Max? Her. Really?” Noel let out. He heard the disbelief in his own voice.

  “Don’t tell Alex, please!”

  The plea in Max’s voice had Noel wincing. He didn’t want to be stuck in the middle, but he understood that this was most likely Rob and Max’s position when he was with Clara. But these circumstances were different. It was her.

  “Seriously, Max. What the hell happened to bros before hoes?” Noel lectured as he stood up from the couch and walked to the kitchen for another beer. Max was quiet. Noel opened his fridge and took out the remaining beers of the six-pack.

  “Yeah? What about bros before their little sisters? Double fucking standard, Noel!” Max yelled back.

  Noel slammed the beer on the counter. “Don’t you fucking say that, you asshole! Clara is not a hoe. It’s different and you know it. Don’t you fucking even put Clara close to that. What I had with Clara is nothing compared to what you have with her, not even close. Don’t you remember what she did? To Alex, to all of us! She’s bloody trouble and you know it. Let me remind you what she did. She faked a pregnancy to keep Alex. She cheated on him and manipulated him into thinking she was pregnant. She even claimed she had a miscarriage when Alex started asking to go to her ultrasounds. How could you sleep with that? All she does is ruin peoples lives!”

  The memories of their final year of high school flashed before him. The pain Alex went through. The nights Noel spent making sure his best friend didn’t do anything stupid.

  Sarah ruined our lives back in high school. The amount of times she tried to end my relationship with Valerie. Yet Val stayed best friends with her. I’ll never understand.

  “You want to know why I fell in love with Clara? Because she isn’t manipulative, she loves and cares, she is selfless and she has the power to make me whole with just her damn smile. Clara has this kindness and she makes me want to be a better man. Tell me Sarah does that to you and then we’ll be on the same page. I came out being in love with her. I came out wanting to throw it all away for her. I came out prepared to propose to her!” Noel confessed. The stings in his eyes burned as he remembered the night he was going to propose and promise Clara forever.

  “You were going to propose?” The disbelief in Max’s voice confirmed that Rob had kept Noel’s secret.

  “The night of your cousin’s birthday. I had the ring and then Clara ended it before I could ask.” His heart constricted as memories of the worst night of his life enveloped him.

  “I had no idea. Does Alex know how serious you were about Clara?” Max asked.

  “No, he doesn’t. It was meant to be the night I finally got to call Clara mine so freely. It was meant to be the night Clara and I started a life together.” He balled his fist tightly, ignoring the stinging in his eyes.

  “I’m sorry, Noel. Jesus, I had no idea you wanted to marry her and that you had a ring. Clara is no way like Sarah. I shouldn’t have compared them. I caved in and acted on my childhood feelings for her. You know how much I’ve liked Sarah. But Alex got to her first. I just see more to her than everyone else. You’re right. It’s nothing like what you and Clara have. You both love each other. Sarah and I are just fuck buddies. But don’t tell Alex. I’ll tell him. Working for Dad’s law firm sent me to a dark place, Noel. Sarah was there and I let her in.”

  There was exhaustion laced in Max’s voice and Noel knew the pressures of his job in the family business drove Max into Sarah’s evil grasps.

  “Just don’t get attached, Max. The moment you start falling for her, remember what she can do, she’s
trouble. I know you’ve liked her since we were kids but she has venom running that cold heart of hers. I don’t want you to go through what Alex did. She’s causes too much pain in peoples lives. Just be careful, Max.” As mad as Noel was at Max, for even comparing their situations, he wasn’t one to judge. They both went behind Alex’s back.

  “Just make sure you tell him, Max. He’s in love with Keira. He’ll be okay just—” The beeps of another call coming through interrupted him. Noel looked to see Alex’s name flash on his screen. “Speaking of Alex, he’s calling. I better get this. He never calls me this late. Be careful with Sarah, Max. I love you, man, but I don’t want what she did to Alex to happen to you. She almost destroyed him. Don’t get attached. Let it just be sex between the two of you.” Noel hoped his warning would burn itself into Max’s brain.

  “Will do, thanks, Noel. I’ll tell Alex. I’m sorry that I said that stuff about Clara. I want that one day, the love you have for, I want that,” Max said.

  Noel smiled. Loving Clara was the best of him.

  “I’ll see you, Max.”

  “Wait!” Max said, stopping Noel from hanging up. “Why’d you call? Must have been important.”

  Noel picked up a beer and sighed.

  “Just needed advice. I’m breaking up with Andrea when she comes back from Arizona,” Noel confessed.

  The line went quiet once more.

  “You’re breaking up with Andrea? Why? What? Really?” Max asked in disbelief and he almost sounded relieved. “Are you sure? I mean if I were you I wouldn’t… Andrea’s lovely… seems lovely.”

  Noel noticed the nervousness in Max’s voice as he uncapped his beer.

  “I’m sure, Max. Whether Clara chooses me or not, Andrea deserves someone that loves her without a hint of hesitation. I love only Clara. Andrea needs a man that will love her and I can’t be that man, Max.” No truer words were said. His mind was made and he would let go of Andrea. Noel heard the beeps of Alex’s call and he knew it had to be urgent.

  “Got to run, Max,” Noel said and hung up before Max could say goodbye. Max’s nervousness and interest in his impending break up with Andrea had Noel curious, but he dropped it.