Thirty-Eight Reasons

by Len Webster

  ⌘

  Alex never moved. Not a single twitch or stir. All Noel saw him do was breathe and that was only from the ventilator. He checked his phone and knew he would have to leave to see Keira soon. She would want to know of Alex’s condition. The doctors made sure Keira stayed in bed and her parents were determined to keep her in it. They didn’t want Keira to panic or open up her stitches when she saw Alex.

  He checked his phone and hoped Clara would call him. Their phone call was brief and she was silent. Noel cried over her voice and then he broke down when he told her of Alex and Keira’s car accident. Noel knew a nurse on duty and she would make an exception for him and Clara to stay past visiting hours. The nurse on duty was the wife of one of his clients. He would go back to his hotel room and shower before grabbing food and coming back to the visitor’s chair he called his. He had made the calls back to Melbourne to tell everyone of the accident. Noel looked up at the freshly changed drip. He heard the sound of heels stop outside the room and he turned around.

  Clara.

  The first thing he noticed were her red eyes laced in disbelief. Those eyes locked on his and his heart began to break. He looked down to see a small suitcase in her hand. Clara looked over at Alex. The moment she saw Alex linked up to the machines and in the bed she dropped her suitcase. Clara sobbed and Noel ran to her. He wrapped his arms around her and tried to hold back his own cries. Clara wrapped her arms around his waist as she cried into his chest. She clung on tight as she sobbed. Each cry piercing his heart and he let his own tears run freely.

  I need to pull myself together. I have to be strong for her.

  “This can’t be real, Noel,” Clara whispered, the devastation was clear in her voice.

  He only held her tighter. He couldn’t face this alone. They stood there at the doorway of the hospital room, crying. These weren’t the circumstances he would have liked to have Clara back in his arms but he needed her. Noel couldn’t lose them both.

  Just as he was about to unwrap his arms from around her body, Clara held him tighter. “Don’t let me go, Noel. Not yet. If you leave me I’ll break down and I won’t be able to pick myself up. I need you right now. I need you to tell me he’s going to be okay and that this is just some sick joke to get me back.”

  Noel blinked away the tears and his throat tightened as he tried to form words. “I wish it was, Clara. I wish this were a fucking ruse to get you back, baby. I wish it was.”

  Clara buried her face into his chest and cried. He missed her so much and wanted to take away her pain. He knew her exact pain.

  ⌘

  Noel held Clara’s tea in his hand. The coffee machine was down the hall and he had to leave her sitting on the white visitor’s chair next to Alex. Clara didn’t say much instead she just cried and held his hand. The way she touched him made him hopeful but it was under the wrong circumstances. She needed some support and that’s what he would give her.

  “Noel, how’s she doing?” Morgan, the night duty nurse, asked. He looked at Clara’s tea and sighed.

  “She won’t talk much, but it’s better than what I thought would happen. Alex is all she has and…” Noel trailed off and Morgan gave him a smile.

  “The doctors say he’ll wake up, Noel. It’s medically induced remember.”

  Morgan placed her hand on his arm and he nodded.

  “I know,” he replied.

  Noel walked up to Alex’s room and noticed Clara standing next to the bed, her hands entwined with Alex’s. He leant on the doorframe and watched her back.

  “Please don’t leave me, Alex. I know I’ve been a heavy burden on your life, but I need you and I love you. If you go… if you leave me here… I have nothing.” Clara's chocked sobs caused his tears to fall and his throat tightened again.

  “I know I’ve made you unhappy. I make stupid choices and you always have to pick up my mess. You’ve been more of a father than a big brother, but I need you to be both in my life. I need you to wake up and tell me you’re proud of me, that you love me and I need you to call me ‘kiddo’ again. I want to hear your voice, I want to feel you hug me and I want to hear your laugh. Just please wake up. I can’t do this without you. I can’t live a life without you. Please!”

  The begging in Clara’s whispers had the tears running off Noel’s face. It was breaking his heart to see her so broken.

  Noel pushed off the doorframe and walked into the room. Clara turned around at the sound of his footsteps. The tears that ran down her cheeks pained him. Clara let go of Alex’s hand and walked into Noel’s arms, crying. She clung on to him. He held her for a minute careful not to spill tea down her back. Noel’s left hand stroked the back of Clara’s head. He’d hold her for as long as she needed him.

  Clara removed her head from his chest and looked up at him with those sad eyes that told him she was broken inside. She sniffed and closed her eyes tightly. When she opened them tears brimmed her eyes. Her eyes set on his. Noel moved his left hand from the back of her head to her cheek, wiping her tears away.

  “I can’t lose him, Noel. I can’t lose Alex, not after I lost you. I can’t lose everyone I’ve ever loved.” Her words made his heart ache for her. She spoke of how she lost him when it was he who lost her.

  Noel bent down and placed a kiss on her forehead and wrapped his arms back around her.

  “I’m not going anywhere, Clara. You’ll never lose me again. I promise. I’m here to stay. I’m not ever letting you go, baby. Never again.”

  ⌘

  By the time he had another cup of tea in his hand and returned to the room, Clara was asleep in the chair next to Alex’s bed. She had moved it as close to the bed as possible. Clara’s head rested on Alex’s hand as she slept.

  I need to get her in a proper bed.

  He looked at the time on his phone and it was just after twelve p.m. but Clara would be jetlagged considering it was four in the morning back in Melbourne. Noel crouched down next to her and smiled at the sight of her. She looked at peace when she slept and that was what he loved waking up to. Noel placed his palm on Clara’s cheek and let his thumb stroke her soft skin. She snuggled into his touch and he sighed. He missed her.

  “Clara,” he said softly.

  She opened her eyes and looked up at him. He saw the exhaustion in her eyes and removed his hand from her cheek and took her hand.

  “Come on, I want you in a bed to rest up. You’ve had a long day and you need to sleep.”

  Clara squeezed his hand and sat up, rubbing her eye with her free hand.

  “I don’t want to leave him,” she said looking at Alex. Noel didn’t want to leave Alex either, but he needed a shower and Clara needed a rest.

  “I know, but he wouldn’t want you sleeping on that chair. Come, I’ve got a hotel room. You can take a nap and when you wake up I’ll take you back.”

  Clara’s head fell as she sighed out. “Okay, just promise me we’re coming back the moment I wake up.”

  Noel placed a kiss on her temple and said, “Of course.”

  ⌘

  Resting Clara’s suitcase on the carpeted hallway, Noel dug into his pocket for the key to his hotel suite. His hand never left Clara’s as they entered the foyer of Omni New Haven Hotel. Noel placed the card into the electronic reader until he heard the door unlock. He placed the key in between his lips as he bent down and picked up Clara’s small suitcase.

  “Noel, you don’t know where that’s been,” Clara lectured.

  He turned to see a slight smile on her face. It was the first since she arrived in Connecticut.

  “I live on the wild side, Clara,” he said trying not to drop the key card from his mouth.

  Clara giggled and it was music to his ears.

  “Don’t try to me sell me that, I know you. You may be an asshole, but you’ll always be the boy that gave me that tulip.” Clara smiled and took the key card from his mouth. “Don’t be anyone but you; that’s who I once fell in love with.” Her words gave him hope.

 
; He smiled and pushed the door open. He tugged Clara into the hotel room and closed the door behind him. He set Clara’s suitcase by the door and watched her take in the large hotel room. A large king size bed sat in the middle of the room against the wall, a large LCD TV was on the wall opposite the bed and the window curtains were drawn back. Clara walked up to large windows and looked out.

  Noel walked behind her and placed arms around her waist. Clara didn’t push away as her eyes looked at the view of New Haven.

  “See those Gothic buildings over there?” he asked as he removed one hand off her body and pointed.

  “Yeah,” she said.

  The wonder in her voice had him smiling.

  “That’s Yale University.”

  Clara smiled at the sight of the large campus.

  “It’s beautiful,” she breathed out.

  Not as beautiful as you.

  Clara spun around in his arms and kept her eyes on his chest. She breathed out and Noel tensed as her hands placed themselves around his forearms.

  “Look at me,” he instructed.

  She looked up with watery eyes.

  “He’s going to be okay. It’s Alex, Clara. He won’t give up,” Noel said to reassure her.

  Clara nodded and stepped out of his touch and walked over to the couch.

  “What are you doing?” he asked, raising a brow at her.

  Clara ignored him and took off her shoes. She sat on the couch before she lay on it.

  “Uh-uh, Clara, you are not sleeping on that couch.” He made his way to her, but she had already closed her eyes.

  “This is your hotel room, Noel. You paid for that bed not me. Tomorrow I’ll get a room for myself. Let me just nap on your couch, please,” she softly asked. Her voice softened as she finished her sentence. He knew she was quickly succumbing to exhaustion.

  Noel sighed out knowing that he shouldn’t wake her. Instead he sat down on the floor next to the couch.

  I’ll be here the moment she wakes.

  She was warm. Clara opened her eyes and felt a blanket wrapped around her. Rubbing her eyes she looked at the blanket and let out a yawn.

  “Mornin’,” Noel greeted.

  Clara sat up and looked around the hotel room. She felt horrible, but that was the best sleep she had in the last forty-eight hours. She looked to see the couch to her right.

  “Why am I in your bed?” Clara asked as she threw back the blanket.

  “Because I refuse to let you sleep on that couch.” Noel smiled and sat on the bed. He took her hand in his and she let him. His touch told her she could overcome the pain of Alex’s accident.

  “Noel,” she said annoyed.

  “Clara, you’re staying in this room with me. I want to make sure that I’m here when you need me because I need you here in the same room. I’m not okay and I’m trying to be strong for you, but I can’t. I’m going to break down. I need you with me to bring me back, Clara. I can’t do this alone.”

  She melted at his words.

  “Just let me have the couch then,” she said.

  Noel shook his head. “Absolutely not. That is non-negotiable. You are sleeping in this bed. I’ll be on the couch.”

  Clara huffed out and nodded her head in agreement.

  “Wait! Did you say it was morning?” Clara glared at him.

  “Uhh, yeah. I let you sleep because I saw how exhausted you were. I had Morgan, the night duty nurse, keep an eye on Alex. I know you wanted to nap, but it’s better if you had some proper sleep,” he explained.

  Clara ran her hand through her tangled curls and gave up. She should be angry but she finally had decent sleep, but she needed to be with Alex.

  “I must look horrendous,” she said matter-of-factly.

  Noel placed both hands on her cheeks and brought her face close to his. Her eyes went wide with surprise.

  “You look beautiful, Clara,” he said softly before his hands left her face and swept the hair out of her face.

  He’s only called me beautiful once before, and that was after I lost my virginity to him.

  “Take me to the hospital please, Noel. I need to be with Alex.”

  Noel nodded. Clara got off the bed and walked over to the bathroom.

  “You’ve always been beautiful, Clara. I never said it enough and I should have,” Noel said regretfully.

  Clara tried to block his words from entering her heart, but it was a failed attempt. So instead she didn’t reply.

  ⌘

  They took a detour to Starbucks and had their coffees and muffins to go. She kept quiet in the car as they drove to Yale-New Haven Hospital. She sent a message to Liam telling him she was safe and apologised for her abrupt leaving. Liam understood and asked her if she wanted him there, but Clara refused. She wanted him to focus on the wedding and on the company. Part of her didn’t want the drama of having Noel and Liam in the same state again and another part of her wanted to be alone with Noel.

  Noel's phone call tore apart the world she once knew. Alex and Keira’s car accident was her fault. If she hadn’t called them about Noel’s message they would have been safe. They’d both be home and not in hospital. Stepping out of the elevator, Noel took her hand. She didn’t pull away, she felt connected to her brother through him. Her eyes stared at their hands and she remembered how perfect she felt being with him back in Melbourne. Once upon a time, Noel was her world.

  I gave him up.

  Clara swallowed the large lump in her throat. Noel sensed her hesitation and he stopped them by the nurse’s desk.

  “You okay?” he asked worriedly. The sight of her brother in that bed made her sick, but she had to visit him. She wanted to be there when he woke and she wanted to see Keira too.

  “Yeah, I’m just not used to seeing Alex like this. He’s always smiling and calling me ‘kiddo’ and—” Clara stopped as the tears came back. The pain hit her so fast that all air left her lungs.

  “Hey,” Noel said as he stepped in front of her and cupped her face in his hands. “He’s going to wake up, Clara. We need to just give him time.”

  For a second his eyes claimed her. The deep, beautiful green had her momentarily breathless. The sound of a squeaking gurney broke the trance and she nodded at him. Noel took her hand and led her to Alex’s room.

  Clara watched their feet walk in sync, perfectly in time with each other’s. They were just outside her brother’s room when Noel squeezed her hand.

  “You!”

  Clara’s head snapped up when she heard the voice yell and Noel’s hand tightened around hers. The moment they walked into Alex’s room Clara couldn’t breathe.

  Oh, god no.

  “You did this! This is all your fault!”

  Clara closed her eyes as the screamed words dug dip into her chest.

  “Gillian, please lower your voice.”

  Clara opened hey eyes at the low voice she had only really known in her childhood.

  “You did this. Because of you, my son is in this hospital bed! If you weren’t such trouble he wouldn’t be hooked up to all these machines. All you’ve done is ruin our lives and now look what you’ve done.”

  Noel tensed beneath her touch and she let go of his hand. Her father looked at them and blinked.

  “I don’t want you here! Get out!” her mother yelled.

  Clara winced.

  “Gillian, I called you to see your son not to yell at Clara.” There was a warning in Noel’s voice and Clara felt his protectiveness.

  “No, Noel. She’s right. This is my fault. I’m the reason why Alex is in that bed,” Clara said. She didn’t dare look at her mother instead she looked at her father. This was the man that once loved her before he left her too.

  Her father looked away and it was the same look he gave her throughout the years until she moved out. He was ashamed of her.

  “Let me say goodbye to Alex. I won’t be here when you’re here. I’ll let you have your time with him,” Clara said to her father, trying to hold back her sobs.


  “Gillian, let’s go outside for a minute,” her father said.

  They walked past Alex’s bed until Clara’s mother looked her in the eye. Gillian looked at Noel before she looked back at Clara. The hate in her mother’s eyes always made Clara flinch.

  I’ll never have her love.

  Gillian took a deep breath. “I wish you were never born. This wouldn’t have happened and I’d have my son back. We'd all be happy and you wouldn’t be running around ruining people’s lives.”

  Clara winced. It hurt her more than she was willing to admit. It wasn’t new, but this time the malice was laid on thick. Clara didn’t respond. She feared she’d cry and look weak.

  “Gillian,” Noel warned.

  He seemed to know more than he should and Clara ignored it. Her mother walked past her and her father stood in front of her. Clara waited. She still hoped he’d love her, but as he stood there the disappointment was clear in his eyes.

  I’ll never win back his love.

  “It’s time you say goodbye to your brother,” her father announced.

  It felt like they were taking Alex from her. They wouldn’t let her see him after this and Clara knew it. Alex couldn’t fight them this time and they were taking advantage of it. Her father walked out of the room and she breathed out. The white walls of the room started to encroach and she felt ill at the thought of them taking Alex from her.

  No. I need more. I haven’t waited over two years to see them for this!

  Clara ignored the words Noel was saying and walked out of Alex’s room. She could see her father’s back as he walked towards the elevator. Determination was fuelling her courage and Clara needed answers.

  “Daddy!” she yelled.

  He stopped in his tracks and stood there for a second. Clara stopped just near the nurse’s desk. He turned around and the agony filled his brown eyes. He resembled Alex and that hurt her the most about the man that stood in front of her. His love for Clara hardly reflected his son’s. And that’s what differed between her father and her brother—one willingly and unconditionally loved her.