Thirty-Eight Reasons

by Len Webster

  “Why?” Clara cried out.

  He looked at her and she felt Noel’s hand in hers. She didn’t need Noel for this. Years of neglect came to this moment, but she appreciated his support.

  “Why won’t you come to my wedding?”

  It was all she could ask. Noel flinched, but she ignored him and took her hand away from his. She took a step closer to the man that had been a stranger her life.

  “Clara, it’s not what your mother wants.”

  “But what about my wants? I’m getting married, Daddy. Does that mean nothing to you? Don’t you even want to walk me down the aisle?”

  He closed his eyes tightly as if it pained him before he opened and stared at her.

  “I’m sorry, Clara. I don’t want that.” A blunt knife slowly made it’s way through her chest and into her heart.

  “You’re missing out, James.”

  Clara turned around to see the fury in Noel’s eyes.

  He has no idea what he’s talking about.

  Noel stood in front of her. Her eyes planted on his back.

  “You’re missing out on a big part of her life. You’ve spent years neglecting her. When she needed you, you weren’t there. Alex was. Don’t you or Gillian ever try to separate them. If Alex were awake he’d never let you or Gillian speak to Clara like that so I won’t either. As for walking her down the aisle? That will be your regret. Your daughter…” Noel stopped and faced her.

  Clara hadn’t realised the tears that formed from his words until he was blurry vision.

  “Is memorable. To watch her walk down the aisle would be an honour and to actually walk her down would be one of life’s greatest treasures. I had the chance to love your daughter and I screwed it up. I fucked up badly. That’s my regret. Clara is beyond beautiful and I was lucky enough to have her love me back, even if it was for a little while. Liam is the luckiest man on earth to be able to keep her. Your daughter is the most amazing person to have ever graced my life. I love your daughter more than I could ever comprehend. My biggest regret is never loving her like she deserves.”

  Her chest rose and fell heavily as his words burned her heart. The tears wouldn’t stop. Back in Melbourne, those were the words that would have stopped her from walking away. But she decided that when it came time to choosing, it was her he didn’t choose.

  “Noel,” she breathed out.

  “I love you, Clara Louise Lawrence.”

  I love you, too, Nolan James Parker.

  But Clara kept it to herself. Those words were hers to hold. Clara gave him the best smile she could muster under the circumstances. She stepped around Noel to see her father’s surprised expression.

  I will not let my parents ruin Noel’s confession.

  “Am I even your daughter?” Clara asked.

  Her father flinched.

  “Biologically,” he stated and that’s when Clara knew that it was time she said goodbye to this man.

  It’s time I stop hoping.

  “That’s not enough for me. Biologically, I am your daughter, but I need more than that. I needed your love. I’ve waited for it. She hates me and I've accepted that, but I hoped more from you. I had hopes that you would come back to me and love me the way you love Alex. I’ve needed your love for the last fourteen years. But seeing you, I don’t want it. I shouldn't have to work so hard for it. It’s not meant to be like that. A father is meant to love his daughter unconditionally, but there are too many conditions for us. All I’ve ever needed was my father and you weren’t up to standard.” Clara stopped. Her heart broke at all the wasted tears, hopes and wants she had for him.

  “Don’t come in between Alex and I. Don’t you ever! I’ve been patient, I’ve taken her blows and I’ve blamed myself for you both not loving me. Alex is all I’ve ever had. You’ve put yourself first every time. I’m never someone’s first choice but I am to Alex. When I was six, I had parent’s day and you didn’t show. Neither of you did. I was the only child without a parent. But Alex knocked on my classroom’s door and said he was my parent. He ditched school for something you should have been there for. It was then that I knew you never loved me and it was then that I never wanted to let Alex go. Alex is mine and will always be mine. Alex is my family.”

  It was the first time she ever saw tears fill James Lawrence’s eyes. It hurt to remember the years of neglect, but she needed to let go. Clara turned away from the man she once wanted to love her and be proud of her.

  Alex is the only one that’s ever been proud of me.

  Clara stopped the moment she looked at Noel. She smiled at him and she knew his words were enough. She relaxed her shoulders before she turned to her father, knowing it was time to say goodbye to the hope she held since she was six.

  “James,” she said.

  He looked wounded by the way she addressed him, but Clara had to ignore it. She wasn’t the hopeful six-year-old anymore. Breathing in and clenching her fists, Clara knew it was time.

  “If you haven’t done so already, remove my name from your will.”

  Pain and grief filled James’s eyes.

  I never needed him because I’ve always had Alex. He’s the unconditional love I want and need. God, please let him wake up.

  CHAPTER FIFTEEN

  Watching Clara stand up for herself towards her neglectful father had Noel in awe. The only other time she had left him so amazed was when she confessed that she loved him too. James Lawrence looked at the daughter he forgot and the regret consumed his brown eyes. His eyes matched Clara’s, but unlike hers, years of unspoken words and unvoiced love filled James’s.

  “Clara,” James quietly said.

  Noel noticed Clara balling her fist just like the time her ex-boyfriend, Darren, begged for her forgiveness and attention.

  “You should speak to Mr. Rawlings and get your will redrafted and resigned. I don’t want your money. I never needed it. I needed a father and I never got one. Money won’t buy back the childhood I lived without you.” Clara unclenched her fists and relaxed her body. “I don’t want any of my trust funds. Let the money just sit there. I have no intentions of ever collecting it when I turn twenty-one. I’ll hire Max. I won’t need Mr. Rawlings as my lawyer any more. I’ll see if I can get the money returned to you and Gillian.” Noel knew Clara chose her words carefully. She had carefully constructed her response to formulate a goodbye without the possibility of a hello. She was cutting her ties.

  “Your trust funds are yours to use as you wish, Clara.”

  James gave her a sad smile and Noel looked at Clara. She looked like she was questioning his response, but she shook her head.

  “Thank you, but I don’t want them,” she replied without hesitation.

  “You’re just going to turn your back on trust funds that are worth almost two million dollars each?”

  Noel was surprised. He knew Clara’s family was rich. They were both raised in one of the richer areas of the south-eastern suburbs. His family was well off too, but Clara having three trust funds with that much money confirmed that the Lawrence's were way past well off.

  “To be honest, James, I’ve never once thought about them. I’ve grown up fortunate and I still turned out unhappy,” she confessed.

  “You don’t care about money? You’re marrying an O’Connor. Liam’s portfolio almost doubles the millions I made selling the real estate empire.”

  Liam’s that rich. Before tax I barely made anything close to a million.

  Clara let out a laugh and shook her head in disbelief. “I don’t want millions. I never have. I just want someone to love me and put me first. See me for me rather than want another woman. Liam makes me feel special. I never knew how much money he made until after I said yes to his proposal. His money means nothing to me. I fell in love with him because he makes me happy. I’m more than happy to sign a prenup that gives me nothing out of the marriage. I’m not in it for money. I never have. For richer or poorer, I want love, just love.”

  She wants to be loved and
Liam made her feel like that and more.

  Noel looked at his feet. He realised he never made Clara feel that sure of his love for her. It ended all too quickly before he had the chance to. He knew Clara wasn’t in it for money. That was Gillian Lawrence. Had he had the chance, Noel would have bought Clara the bakery. With it being in the heart of the city, he’d never afford it like Liam did, but Noel would have worked numerous accounts and taken out loans for that bakery on Little Collins Street.

  “I need to be by Alex’s side. Gillian will be back and I’ll have to leave. Goodbye, James.” Clara spun around and without another word she took Noel’s hand and walked towards Alex’s room. He couldn’t help, but feel inferior to Liam. He offered Clara the security Noel couldn’t.

  I live in Boston and Liam lives in Melbourne. I can’t offer her the things she needs.

  Noel stopped Clara just outside of Alex’s door. He watched the surprise consume her face and he looked at her. He was proud that she stood up to her father, but he realised he didn’t measure up to Liam. He hurt Clara too many times.

  “Clara.” He brought his hands to her cheeks and breathed out.

  “Yes, Noel.”

  “I can’t offer you the same things as Liam. I can only offer you the person I am. I don’t have millions and you know that.”

  Clara tilted her head at him. He saw her confusion.

  “I just need the promise of forever, the promise of eternal love and commitment. I need someone to love only me. I’m not the easiest person to love. I’m doubtful and scared. I’m not perfect. I need someone to hold my hand while I contemplate my life and bring me back when I lose sense of direction. I just need love, Noel.”

  Her wants and needs burned through his heart.

  “I can offer all of that and more, Clara.” Noel’s thumbs softly stroked her cheeks.

  “Are you still with Andrea?” she asked.

  He stilled instantly. That wasn’t the response he expected. He couldn’t lie. He promised himself that he was done with lies when it came to Clara.

  “Yes,” he answered truthfully.

  Clara gave him a tight smile before she shook her head.

  “Then I don’t think you can, Noel.” Clara gripped his wrists before she moved his hands from her cheeks.

  She took a step back and looked at him. “I believed you could have.”

  Clara bit her bottom lip and the sadness in her eyes tore into his chest.

  “Then, I’ll just have to prove that I can this time.”

  Clara blinked, the confusion on her face clear. Determination filled his body. He knew this would be the last time he could prove that he was her forever.

  She breathed out and tucked her loose curls behind her right ear. “Then prove to me that you’ll only ever love me. Convince me. You were so sure last time, but you deceived me. Show me forever isn’t just a dream for us. That I’m the one you want in your life and I’m your future.” Clara gave him a tight smile before she walked into Alex’s room and stood by his bed, holding his hand.

  I need to prove my love. I have to prove that my heart belongs to her. Only her.

  ⌘

  Noel sat in the visitor’s chair as he watched Clara speak to her unconscious brother. The stories she told of their childhood had him smiling. Every time she mentioned the three of them she’d look at Noel and smile. The way her lips curved had always been his undoing. He just needed a way to prove his love. But with Clara’s wedding so soon he wasn’t sure if time would permit him.

  “Remember the time when Alex almost got busted sneaking out to meet Sarah?” Clara asked.

  He heard the slight hesitation when she said Sarah’s name.

  He grinned. “The idiot couldn’t shimmy down the pipe and got stuck. I had to sneak out of bed and find a ladder. You stood guard for us that night,” Noel said, reminiscing.

  Clara laughed at her brother’s expense. She looked over at Alex and sighed. “I’m glad he never ended up with her,” Clara confessed.

  “You don’t like Sarah?” Noel got up from the visitor’s chair and stood next to her.

  She stared at her brother. Clara’s silence made the sounds of the heart machine sound louder.

  Clara faced him, her eyes searching his. She blinked twice before she shook her head. “She’s not my favourite person in the world, Noel. I’m just glad Alex left her.” Clara swallowed hard and tears brimmed her eyes. He wasn’t sure why she was so upset but he knew it had to do with Alex’s ex.

  He stepped forward and took both her hands.

  “Did Sarah hurt you, Clara?” he asked concerned. He knew Sarah was dangerous she had the ability to ruin lives. The thought that someone so evil got close to someone like Clara made his heart ache.

  Tears ran down Clara’s face and she looked at him like he should know why.

  “Clara, what did Sarah do?” he demanded.

  The hurt in her eyes replaced the beautiful gold colour. She let go of his hands and wiped her tears away. It was like the life in her vanished at his question. Noel moved his hands to cup her face.

  “What did she do, Clara?” he asked desperately.

  Clara shook her head at him.

  “Why are you protecting her? Please, Clara, tell me what she did to you.”

  If Sarah did something to Clara, my friendship with Max is over. Clara comes first.

  “I’m not protecting her. I’m protecting you.”

  “Me?” he let out, surprised. “Why me?”

  “Because you don’t want to know and neither does Alex. It’s in the past. It’s not something I want to talk about, especially with you and not around Alex. Coma or no coma. Just trust me, I’m protecting you both. She’s someone I don’t want to talk about right now.”

  Whatever Clara was hiding, he’d find out. He wasn’t going to let her keep this from him. For now he’d drop it, but when they were alone, he’d make her talk.

  Sarah hurt Clara. I have to make sure Max doesn’t fall for that bitch!

  “You’ll tell me what she did, Clara.” It wasn’t a request.

  “I promise I will. Just not right now.” Clara’s voice sounded regretful and she placed her hands over his. She looked defeated, like she was ready to give up what she was fighting against.

  “I’ll get you some tea. Sit down and I’ll be back in a minute,” he said. Clara nodded and sat in the chair. He crouched in front of her and placed his hand on her knee. “She hurt you and I’ll make sure she never hurts you again. Don’t believe whatever she said, Clara. She’s manipulative and has a personal vendetta against Alex and I.”

  Clara’s face went blank and she only managed a nod. He stood up and placed a kiss on Clara’s head.

  “You have to be believe me, Clara. I’ll never let anyone hurt you ever again.”

  ⌘

  Instead of going to the coffee machine at the end of the hall, Noel took the elevator down to the cafeteria. When he first arrived at the hospital he had come to the conclusion that he’d stick with coffee from the machine. It was flavourless, but he didn’t want to leave Alex alone for long periods of time.

  Noel stood in line as he looked at the food. He reached for a tray and stared at what he could get for Clara. She was probably hungry. A small snack would do until he took her somewhere away from the hospital for lunch. Noel reached over for an apple when someone stood next to him.

  “How long have you been in love with my daughter?” he asked as Noel picked up the red apple and placed it on a tray.

  Noel sighed. “Your daughter? Last time I checked, you didn’t claim her as yours for the last fourteen years,” Noel stated and moved along in the line.

  “I’m serious, Nolan.”

  Noel turned at the sound of his full name. He was about to tell James to stick it where the sun don’t shine, but James’s tired and defeated face stopped him.

  “Can we talk for a second?” James asked.

  “You’re not distracting me so Gillian can get Clara alone, are you?�
�� Noel held the tray tightly in his hand.

  “She’s gone back to the hotel. I just want to talk.”

  Noel looked at James and nodded his head. He placed the tray down on the counter and walked towards an empty seat in the middle of the cafeteria. The table they chose wobbled.

  “I don’t want to leave Clara alone for very long. So talk, James.”

  He wasn’t going to beat around the bush. James had five minutes and then Noel was leaving. James leaned back in his seat and Noel raised an eyebrow at him.

  “My daughter loves you,” James pointed out.

  Noel swallowed hard.

  What would he know?

  “I’d love that to be true, James.”

  “Well, I see it. Not even a blind man could miss it. Look, I’ve been a terrible father to Clara, but I’ve done it all to protect her from Gillian. I love my wife and my daughter but Gillian wouldn’t let me love both. She got jealous and that’s when she started to withdraw. Her depression got worse and she started to blame Clara. When I realised how out of love Gillian was with me, it was too late. Clara had grown up hating me and I neglected my own daughter. To stop Gillian from throwing her out I stayed away. Alex went to college in the States and that was the only way I could protect her. You have to believe me, all I want is to walk her down the aisle. But I don’t deserve that honour,” James said as his eyes watered.

  “So, you’re telling me you ignored Clara to protect her.” Noel let out an exaggerated laugh. “Why don’t I believe you?”

  “You don’t have to believe me. I may not have shown her love but Clara is my daughter and I have protected her the best way that I can… from a distance. I keep my tabs on her. I’m damn proud of her for deferring her degree and starting culinary school. Back when she was a kid she loved watching your grandmother cook. It’s better off if she hates me, but I’m not changing my will. Alex and Clara are my children and I am proud of how close they are. They don’t need a father like me.” James clenched his fists until his knuckles turned white. “You mind doing me a favour?” James asked.