Thirty-Eight Reasons

by Len Webster

  “I know. I just have to find a way to her.” He reached into his pocket and felt the heart locket touch his fingers.

  “She doesn’t want to give up the idea of a family. Liam, Ally, CeCe and even Mr. and Mrs. O’Connor have taken her in as their own. You need to make her realise that they’ll be okay without her. But she won’t be okay without you. She tries to hide that sad smile she puts on, but I see right through it. I know that smile well. I’m an expert at it. It’s the rehearsal dinner tonight don’t do anything till after, okay. Let her have tonight and then go after her. Liam won’t let her go because he loves her too much, but he’s given you his blessing. He’ll marry her if she chooses him. One last fight before we end this story, what do you say?”

  “No,” he said, his eyes never leaving Stevie’s. It was a reply she wasn’t expecting.

  Noel stood up from the couch and looked down at her.

  “One fight is not enough. For the rest of my life, I’ll fight for her. Our story is entwined, forever. Clara is my life and until I know she couldn’t possibly love me for the rest of our days then it’s not over.”

  Stevie stood up and hugged him. “If this isn’t true love then I don’t know what is. You two are so frustrating that it makes you realise just how much love is only for the lucky.”

  When Stevie’s arms let go of his body, Noel smiled down at her. “Love is for everyone, it’s just about finding the right one.”

  CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO

  Three days passed quickly and in those three days he stayed at Max's. Noel never got her alone. Clara would always have to make decisions on the final touches of the wedding or have breakfast, lunch or dinner with Liam’s relatives from Ireland. Every time he went to her door she wasn’t there. The last time he checked, there was an emergency with her dress.

  He missed Clara’s apartment. It had a cozy feel to it and Max’s had little life at all. The day after the rehearsal dinner, Noel walked out of the guest room to find Sarah in the kitchen. He gagged at the sight of her and said nothing as he walked out the door. Noel was hoping to see Rob’s brother, Julian, at the rehearsal dinner, but he couldn’t get out of Milan in time for the wedding. Rob was annoyed, but the moment a woman with ash blonde hair walked into the room, he never mentioned his brother again.

  Noel stood outside of Clara’s suite. Alex told him she would be there for some time before she finished getting ready in the bridal suite of the church.

  Maybe telling her that Liam gave me the letter made her realise that she loves him more.

  Pushing the thought away, he knocked on Clara’s door. He didn’t wait for her to reply. He used the key card and opened the door. His heart was too impatient to wait for her reply. Bursting through the room, he watched Clara jump off the couch. She placed her hand over her chest. The first thing he noticed was the white dress she wore, tight and so unlike her. She left him breathless and in awe at the sight of her.

  “You scared me. You need to give me that key card. I could have been naked!” Clara huffed and picked up the piece of paper she dropped.

  Walking into the sitting area of the suite, he stopped in front of her. It broke his heart to see her in white.

  “Not like I haven’t seen you naked before,” he stated.

  Clara’s cheeks reddened at his honesty. “Yes, well… that was a long time ago.”

  “Not long enough if I can still make you blush. Tell me no one's here,” he said softly.

  Those golden brown eyes held a grip on his heart and Clara shook her head. “No one’s here. I sent them away so I could read my vows.”

  “What are we doing, Clara?” he asked exhausted.

  “I’m getting married.”

  “Why?”

  Clara looked at the piece of paper and placed it on the coffee table behind her. Walking over to the window, she stood there for a moment. She looked stunning in white but the sadness in her eyes didn’t match the smile she projected.

  Clara turned and looked at him. The sun radiated through the windows and hit her skin perfectly, reminding him of the mornings he woke up next to her.

  “I love him, Noel. I didn’t realise how much until he was willing to let me go. You read my letter. I owe him a lot more than just my love.”

  Taking long strides, he stood in front of her and took her hands. “You owe no one anything. The only person you owe is yourself. You’ve got to be selfish and leave him. I came here to ruin your engagement. That’s the kind of selfish man I’m being. I let you get away and I shouldn’t have. I should have been selfish the first time so we could have avoided all this. I love you and I want to love you forever. You have to know that I don’t regret ever coming back to Melbourne. That one decision changed my life. Had I known that I'd be so in love you then I wouldn’t have fought so hard against it—”

  “Noel,” she said stopping him.

  He let go of her hand and placed his hands on her neck, feeling her pulse on his skin.

  “Don’t stop me yet. I need to finish what I came here to say. I’m hopelessly in love with you that the idea of you being married to someone else kills me. And someone so deserving of your love, like Liam, it’s destroying me. For so long I’ve stopped myself from flying back home to beg for you back. But every time I try, I think of how happy you are. That ring on your finger deserves to be there. The life Liam offers you is one you deserve, but I need to plead one more time, one last attempt at your heart. I love you, Clara, and I want to be with you for the rest of my life.”

  The tears in her eyes had him believing. Without letting her say another word, Noel brought her lips to his and kissed her. Her lips sweeter than he remembered and the way they felt against his was perfection. Clara’s hands were in his hair, tangled and controlling the depths of this one kiss. A small moan from her had him eager to explore her mouth, but he controlled the urge and savoured the feel of her lips.

  He reluctantly separated his mouth from Clara’s. Those brown eyes would always have a pull on him. They would always be the colour he’d long for.

  “Are you showing me what I’m going to miss?” Clara asked.

  He heard the hurt in her voice.

  “No. I want you to remember our good times. I want you to remember me and us for the good times we had and love we once shared. For me, the idea of loving another woman was over the moment I kissed you. And it would be forever over the moment I made love to you. You need to realise that you are the best thing that has ever happened to me. But if I’m not what you need for the rest of your life then I’ll do it.”

  Clara’s hands wrapped around his wrists as she blinked away a tear and said, “Do what?”

  An honest smile developed on Noel’s face. “I’ll watch you marry Liam. It will kill me inside knowing that there isn’t a chance, but I love you too much to make you unhappy. I’m done hurting you because it hurts me too. I’m tired of knowing that I’ve made you cry and hurt inside. I’ll dance with you one more time. But if it’s me you choose, I’ll be there waiting for you.”

  Taking a step back, Noel reached into the jacket pocket of his suit and took out Clara’s locket. Taking her left hand, he placed the silver locket in her hand and closed her fingers over the Celtic knot. He smiled at his engraved initial. It was like fate had always had their lives entwined from the very start.

  “Your name will forever be the one my heart yearns for.” He didn’t say anything else. He took one last look at Clara and walked out of her suite with much struggle. His heart already regretted the words he spoke, but he was happy with what he said. He was happy with the look in her eyes and he was happy that she had her locket back.

  ⌘

  Walking into the hotel bar, Noel took a seat next to Max. He let out a heavy groan and settled into the stool next to his best friend.

  “Did you hear Val’s in town?” Max asked.

  Noel shook his head. “Nah, I’d rather not hear it. Val and I ended on good terms. I don’t need Clara seeing me with her. It’ll only make
things worse. How’d you know she’s in town?”

  Max swirled his scotch and looked at Noel. “Sarah’s with her … I think I love her, Noel.”

  “What?” Noel blurted out, almost falling out of his stool. He saw the conflict in Max’s eyes and knew what his friend spoke of was the truth.

  “Listen to me, Max. If you haven’t watched the woman you love walk out of your life, watched her love another, begged and pleaded for her love, then you haven’t loved like I have. You haven’t suffered and had the greatest love. If you’re prepared to suffer what I’ve gone through then you love her and I hate to say this, but keep her. Only the lucky find their love,” Noel enlightened him.

  Before Max could reply, his phone on the bar counter flashed and Sarah’s text message came across the screen.

  Max sighed and read the message. “I’ll be back in a second. Sarah and Val want to talk to me about something.”

  “Good luck,” Noel wished as he signaled the bartender over for a drink over.

  Over an hour after Noel left her, Clara still sat on the couch running her fingers across the silver locket. She was reunited with a locket that held so many memories for her and Noel. Later in the afternoon she would be married, but she sat on the couch of her suite staring at the Celtic knot and letting Noel’s words sear themselves into her heart. Closing her eyes, she gave her heart once more chance at making a decision.

  Come on, Clara. Make a choice for you. For your happily ever after.

  Opening her eyes, she looked at her surroundings. French wallpaper, hotel suites, trips around the world and Liam’s money. He would buy her the world if it made her happy. But the key to her happiness was never money. The key to her happiness was companionship and love.

  “Clara,” Annie squealed as soon as she entered the suite.

  Dropping her hands in her lap she looked up and smiled at her bridesmaids.

  “No Ally?” Clara asked.

  Stevie shook her head. “With her parents discussing something about her future. She’ll be back soon.”

  Clara looked over at Annie, Keira, Josie and Stevie. They all looked beautiful in their peach-coloured bridesmaids gowns. Their hair pulled up in buns.

  She ignored the chatter as her bridesmaids started to do their makeup. Josie proved that she was quite the beautician and offered to do their makeup. The engraved ‘N’ on the locket had Clara thinking of all the moments they spent together throughout their lives. She noticed the clasp of the locket didn’t close properly. Curious, Clara opened the locket to find a piece of paper in it.

  Taking out the paper, she placed the locket in her lap and started to unfold the small piece of paper and smoothed it out. Her heart and breathing stopped as she looked at the worn paper.

  I love you.

  Her heart give way at the sight of those eight letters that formed the most liberating words she had ever known. They were the words she wrote the morning after they said it to each other. That night they made love that made her cry at one stage. He held her and whispered those three words until she slept peacefully and happily in his arms.

  She noticed the indentation of words on the paper and turned it around to see that there was more. The first thing she noticed was Noel’s writing, her fingers running along the words he wrote. Breathing in and steeling herself, Clara read the words he wrote.

  No amount of time will account for the days that I’ve missed you and should have loved you. I will always love you, Clara Louise Lawrence.

  “Oh my God,” she whispered. Tears rolled down her face. Her heart ached at the declaration Noel had written her. The paper looked worn, like he wrote it forever ago. She placed the note in her lap and silently cried into her hands. She was happy she hadn’t done her makeup yet. She knew her tears would have ruined it.

  “Clara,” Keira softly called her.

  Clara wiped her face and turned to see her brother’s girlfriend sitting next to her.

  “He’s loved you a long time,” Keira said, her eyes on Noel’s note.

  Clara sniffed and picked up the small piece of paper. This one note brought with it so many memories and love. Carefully, Clara folded and put it back inside the locket before she snapped it shut. Looking up at Keira, she smiled. Words were not necessary and Keira’s eyes watered before she took Clara’s hands.

  A knock on the door had Clara peering past Keira to see Annie opening the door. Max stormed into her suite and Clara stood up, locket in hand, to see the grief and apology in his eyes. Before she could ask him any sort of question, the last two people she ever expected to see walked into the room.

  “Tell her!” Max roared and everyone in the room looked at him. Clara had never seen Max like this except for the time he helped her at that dodgy pub.

  “Valerie? S-Sarah? What are you doing here?” Clara asked in disbelief. Looking at Valerie, Clara knew she held no hate for her. But looking at Sarah, she saw something in her eyes. Clara looked at Max and then at Sarah.

  “Oh my God,” she breathed out. The look in Sarah’s eyes explained it; she found love in Max Sheridan.

  “You tell her, Sarah!” Max yelled.

  Clara saw the pain in his face. Tears filled Sarah’s eyes before they met Clara’s.

  “I’m sorry,” Sarah whispered. The blood drained from Clara’s face. The room started to spin and she felt violently ill.

  The night of Katie’s party Sarah told Clara that Noel slept with Valerie and that Valerie was moving to the US to be with him. Clara believed Sarah. Believed it when she said Noel stayed at Valerie’s and that what Clara and Noel had wasn’t love.

  “It was a lie?” Clara managed.

  Sarah nodded.

  “I’m sorry, Clara. I’m so goddamn sorry for doing this to you and Noel.”

  Clara walked up to Max and wrapped her arms around him as he repeated his apology numerous times.

  Hugging him tighter she tried to reassure him. “It’s not your fault, Max. It was never yours. It was mine. It’s my fault that I believed her.” She stepped out of the their embraced and let the peace settle within her.

  “Clara, I swear, I never slept with Noel. He came and gave me advice about moving to Chicago and he went home to Max’s. I promise you, it didn’t happen. I kissed him, but he told me he loved you instead,” Valerie explained.

  “So it was you!” Stevie yelled.

  Turning around, Clara saw Stevie fuming, but she simply shook her head.

  “Clara, the reason why you, Noel, and Liam have been through so much pain and misery is because of her damn lie!” Stevie yelled.

  Clara handed Keira her locket and looked at every single person in the room. “No. I’m the reason why Noel and Liam have been through so much pain. I’m at fault, no one else.”

  Looking at her brother’s ex-girlfriend, Clara wasn’t sure how she felt towards her. But it surprised Clara to see such sorrow and regret in Sarah’s eyes. Before she could even say any words, Liam opened the door and stepped inside. Annie was by Clara’s side covering her with a silk robe.

  “Liam! It’s bad luck to see the bride in the dress before the wedding!” Annie scolded.

  Liam let out a laugh and said, “We aren’t very traditional, are we, sweetheart?”

  She smiled at the wink he sent her way. But Clara knew tradition meant everything to him. She hadn’t seen him in almost a day; he insisted in staying in his parents’ suite last night instead of with her.

  “Clara, do you mind coming for a walk with me?”

  The sweetness in his voice had Clara removing the silk robe and handing it back to Annie.

  “Clara,” Max said.

  She shook her head at him and slipped on her white high heels that sat next to the couch. Liam held out his hand and Clara took it. Lifting up her long wedding dress, she walked out of the suite.

  Liam stopped at the front of the stairwell and looked at Clara, his thumb caressing the back of her hand. Slowly and as silently as they could, they walked down the staircase han
d in hand. They managed to dart most of their wedding guests until they reached the main doors of the hotel. A black Bentley parked in front of them. Liam held her hand a little tighter as he walked her to the passenger door. The doorman opened and held the car door for them. Without any argument and very curious to where their walk was taking them, Clara slipped into the backseat careful not to damage her dress.

  Liam sat next to her just as she buckled her seat belt. He took her right hand and placed a kiss before he smiled at her. He breathed out and said, “St. Ignatius’ Church, please.”

  CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE

  “Noel!”

  He heard his name being yelled behind him. The beer he ordered long ago was now warm. The amount of times he thought about drinking it crossed his mind, but in the end he knew beer wasn’t going to stop the nerves he felt. Turning, he saw Max rush to his side, followed by Sarah and Valerie.

  “What the hell are they doing here?” Noel asked, irritated.

  “I’m sorry, Noel. You warned me and I didn’t listen. Believe me I had no idea.”

  Max’s pleading had Noel confused.

  “What are you—” He stopped, realisation setting in, and got off the stool.

  Sleeping with Valerie changed us.

  “What did you say to her?” Noel raised his voice at Sarah.

  She flinched and looked at Max and Valerie for mercy and assistance.

  “What the fuck did you do?” He didn’t care if he made a scene.

  “I-I…” Sarah struggled.

  Valerie stepped in front of Noel, as if she sensed he’d harm her.

  “You knew, Val?” Her hair was much shorter than it used to be, the colour much lighter than he remembered.

  “Yes.”