Keeping Up Appearances

by Elizabeth Stevens

  Something touched my hand and I looked down to see Xander had slipped his fingers over mine so he was holding my hand. He rubbed the back of my hand twice with his thumb, then pulled away slowly and picked his pen back up. He did it all without taking his eyes off Miss Phillips at the front as she paced and waved her arm over something on the board.

  It was only then I realised I’d tensed looking at Jason. And, that was only because the slightly comforting gesture from Xander had somehow helped me relax a little.

  The bell rang for next lesson as I was pondering the ridiculousness of that.

  “Okay, so I want you to finish reading chapter nine and answer the questions before Friday. We start stats next week!” Miss Phillips had to yell to be heard over us all packing up.

  “I’ll see you in English,” Xander said, nudging me gently as he picked up his bag.

  “Yeah. See you then,” I answered without thinking, unable to stop myself wondering how I was suddenly so comfortable with him.

  I guess I was shallow enough to take what I could get when I’d decided to be a dick and not speak to my friends. After all, had the tables been turned, Nancy would be acting totally comfortably with Xander. She’d be more than comfortable, she’d be hanging off him the way she’d been hanging off Jason since Monday morning. So, to get through this, all I had to do was what I always did; try to fit in and just think ‘what would Nancy do?’, although maybe with less of the climbing the King Douche man-mountain.

  I grabbed my stuff, made it through home group, and passed a fairly uneventful Recess in the library as I did the Psych homework and tried not to fall asleep. I’d been okay when I’d woken up that morning. But, as the day was progressing, I was feeling more and more sleepy. Still, I was jolted out of my semi-dozing state when the bell went and I dragged myself to History.

  I sat down and leant my chin in my hand, letting my eyes glass over as I enjoyed a semi-thoughtless moment when I finally didn’t worry about anything but how tired I was. It was a welcome reprieve from my manic thoughts of the last few days.

  I felt movement next to me but didn’t move until someone slid a bottle in front of me. I blinked at said bottle in front of me, registering the brown liquid and red and white label but not getting much further than that. Turning, I looked to whoever belonged to the arm still attached to the bottle and found Greg sitting next to me with warm hazel eyes and a pleasant smile.

  “What’s that?” I asked him.

  “Coke?” Greg replied uncertainly, looking like he suddenly wondered if there was something more to it than that.

  “I know it’s Coke. Why is it Coke?”

  “I couldn’t tell you.” He frowned like he was thinking. “I think it had something to do with those plants you get cocaine from? But, that was all a little before my time.”

  I blinked again, not really sure what he was waffling about. “Why is it Coke in front of me?”

  Greg obviously worked something out by the look on his face. “Oh! Compliments from King Douche.” Here he gave a little mock-bow flourish with his hands. “It was the best he could do on short notice?” He shrugged like that was supposed to mean something to me.

  I looked at the drink again. “Xander?”

  He shrugged again. “I thought it was strange, too. But, the man said you needed caffeine, so…” Another flourish in the direction of the bottle. “Caffeine.”

  I decided not to question it.

  By the time History was over, I had a pretty weird feeling that Greg was actually an okay sort of guy. I’d also finished the Coke.

  So, when Greg and I walked into English and saw Xander sitting in one of the seats at the back, I tossed Xander the empty bottle. He caught it with a grin, waving it at me as Greg and I walked towards him.

  “What’s this for?” he asked.

  “A thank you.”

  “What for?”

  Greg sat on the seat furthest from Xander, leaving me with the choice to sit down between them or sit somewhere else. I decided not to choose yet.

  “For making sure I didn’t fall asleep today.”

  He shrugged, wearing the most adorable ‘I know, I’m fabulous’ smile. “That doesn’t sound like something I’d do.”

  “No, it doesn’t, does it?”

  He looked me up and down. “You sitting?”

  I opened my mouth and took hold of my bag strap. “I…”

  I looked over at the empty desk and bit my lip. Then, my eyes locked with Nancy’s as she walked in and everything in me plummeted; my heart, my stomach, my knees. Nancy looked me over and I felt like less than a bug under her gaze. I felt that slightly ill feeling in my stomach again. A hand took mine and I turned to see Xander looking up at me with a soft question, an offer. An offer that was looking mighty tantalising in the face of Nancy’s expression.

  Besides, Nancy would sit.

  “Sitting… Yeah…” I said slowly as my knees buckled underneath me and I just managed to get the chair under my arse in time.

  Xander kissed the back of my hand before letting it go and I ducked my head so no one would see me flushing bright red from sadness and anger as much as embarrassment at his actions.

  Chapter Five

  I was becoming one of those loner kids, the ones who wear their headphones in the corridors and slink around with their hands in their pockets. But, it was honestly the most comfortable just then. I didn’t have to worry about people staring at me because I’d suddenly stopped hanging out with Jason and Nancy and our friends, or because I was suddenly on friendly-looking speaking terms with not only a Bow but also King Douche himself. If people were talking about me, I was blissfully unaware.

  Shame then that my eyes still worked and had no problem seeing Nancy and Jason kissing in front of his locker as I walked past. My step faltered and I told my despondent heart to buck the hell up. If it ranted and railed much more, I was going to start crying in the hallway and neither of us wanted that. Already, I could feel the tears hot in my eyes and my lip threatened to quake. I bit it to keep it still and had just decided to keep walking when Jason looked up and his eyes found mine.

  I couldn’t decipher his look. I was feeling too much and trying to feel none of it. Was he apologetic? Was he angry with my behaviour? Was he rubbing my face in it? Did he not care about me at all now he had what he wanted?

  I swallowed hard and took a deep breath as I took a step forward to keep walking. I could do this. I could get through life and get over this selfish heartache. It was all my fault anyway; I should have just told Jason how I felt ages ago. It wasn’t his or Nancy’s fault that I couldn’t deal.

  I tried to go back to being blissfully unaware.

  So blissfully unaware even that someone managed to grab my arm and tug me gently towards a side corridor that lead to the bathrooms. My flailing elbow clocked them and I turned to see Xander holding his cheek as he looked at me half in annoyance and half in humour. I ripped off my headphones.

  “What did you expect when you ambush people?” I hissed at him, sneaking a look out into the hallway where I couldn’t tell if people were paying attention or not.

  Jason was looking in our direction, as were a few other people. But, whether they’d seen King of the Bows drag me into the semi-dark corridor, I couldn’t tell.

  Xander chuckled. “Okay, fair enough. But, you do scream cute.”

  “I scream cute?” I asked, turning back to him. “What does that even mean?”

  “Well, you gave this cute little yelp–”

  “Of course I did, I thought I was being kidnapped!”

  “Who the hell is going to kidnap you at school?”

  “Are you saying I’m not kidnappable?” I asked, feeling highly insulted in my highly emotional state.

  “Of course you’re…kidnappable.” He blinked away his look of confusion and shook his head. “That’s ridiculous and not what I meant.”

  “For what did you attempt to kid
nap me exactly, King Douche?”

  As though he’d remembered something, he looked down at me and smiled softly. “Wanted to say hi.”

  “You wanted to…” My eyes narrowed. “Why?”

  “Class notwithstanding, I assumed we weren’t supposed to be seen together–”

  “Xander, is there some reason your weird obsession with a JT minion is culminating in minor kidnapping, or can I get to class?” I huffed, in no mood for his…whatever he thought this was.

  “I’ll walk you. It’s my free.”

  I frowned at him. “No, thanks.”

  He cupped my cheek gently. My frown deepened into a scowl and he pulled his hand away very slowly and very deliberately as his eyes widened in apology. I snuck a look around and saw that a couple of people walking past the opening to the corridor had probably seen, so I took a step away from him.

  “Holly, are you okay?” he asked.

  I looked back at him and sighed. “I’m fine. I need to get to class.”

  He looked like he wanted to press, but he only nodded. “We still on for lunch?”

  “Yeah. I’ll meet you in mythology. Unless you’ll do better around sport?”

  He flashed me a quick smile. “Mythology’s fine. I’ll see you later.”

  I nodded and looked him over suspiciously. I didn’t know what was going through his head, but I could imagine it was nothing good.

  “Yeah. I’ll see you later,” I replied before hanging my head and walking to class quickly in the hopes that no one would see me.

  I got through Math relatively unscathed until I found myself cornered by Jess and Nigel as I was heading across the library at the start of Lunch.

  “Holly!” Jess called and I looked around for her.

  They’d obviously had their last lesson in the library and were still packing up. Jess smiled and Nigel waved at me. I looked around for Xander quickly, then gave them a terse smile and had little choice but to meet them in the middle of the walkway.

  “Hey, you been okay?” Jess asked, looking over me like she was going to find evidence of me dying of cancer or something on my face.

  I tried to give her a more sincere smile. “Yeah, fine. How about you?”

  Jess nodded. “Yeah, good. Where have you been lately?”

  “We’ve missed you,” Nigel added with a bob of his head.

  I looked around for Xander again and hoped I didn’t look as guilty and shifty as I felt. “Uh, yeah… I’ve been…busy.”

  Xander stuck his head out of the stacks and gave me a humoured, questioning head tilt as he leant against the shelves casually. I felt my eyes go wide in the hopes that Jess and Nigel didn’t notice that Xander was legitimately waiting for me this time. So of course, in reaction to my reaction, Jess turned around to see what I’d panicked about. Xander didn’t take his eyes off me and Jess turned back to me with an eye roll.

  “Is he on some quest to hook up in every place in the school?” Jess asked, disgusted with Xander the way I was supposed to be.

  “He’s probably looking for some poor nerdy virgin to deflower,” Nigel said, rolling his own eyes.

  “Farrah, maybe?” Jess asked.

  Nigel snorted. “She could use a good deflowering, although I bet she’d just recite lines at you the whole time.”

  Jess laughed. “Oh, how good thee is,” she teased in a high voice and I gave them a small smile.

  “Make a guy lose his mojo, that would.” Nigel paused. “I’m sure the King of the Bows would be up for the challenge, though.”

  Jess threw him one more glare and crossed her arms. “Such a douche.” We didn’t call him King Douche for nothing.

  I nodded with a weak smile. “Yeah, totally.”

  “What are you doing here anyway?” Jess asked.

  I tried to come up with something convincing. “Study?”

  Nigel laughed. “You don’t sound sure.”

  What would Nancy do?

  My smile became slightly more believable. “I’ve got this History essay due tomorrow and it’s not going well. So, you know how it is…” I petered off, hoping that was a good enough excuse.

  “God, I feel you! Barely half way through the year, but it feels like there’s not enough time to get everything done!” Jess cried.

  I nodded again as my eyes slid to Xander. “Totally. Anyway, I’d best get on with it!”

  “Are you coming back to sit with us when it’s done?” Nigel asked and I really did believe they missed me. I just wasn’t sure how many of the others – *cough* Nancy and Jason *cough* – were missing me, too.

  I shrugged. “Why wouldn’t I?” I gave a nervous laugh and hoped that didn’t classify as lying.

  Jess gave me a swift hug. “Awesome. We’ll see you later.”

  I gave a weird little salute as they started walking away. “Yep, will do.”

  I hurried over to Xander. Just as I thought I’d got away with it, he saluted in the direction of behind me and I turned to see Jess looking back at him with a suspicious look. I rolled my eyes at him.

  “Great, thank you.”

  He shrugged as he pushed himself off the shelf. “What?”

  “Because my friends need to see me with you,” I mumbled as I headed for the wall at the end of the aisle.

  “Holly, if they were your friends they’d try harder to work out what was wrong and make you feel better.”

  “What would you know about friendship?” I asked as I fell onto the floor.

  “More than the git, apparently.” He dropped down beside me, his legs outstretched, and our shoulders bumped.

  “Leave Jason out of this,” I pleaded.

  “Why? He was a total git.”

  “Don’t you always think he’s a git?”

  “Yeah, but he’s like a proper git now. You need to recruit someone else to expend all that unrequited passion on.”

  “What do you know about my unrequited passion?” I asked as I pulled my book out of my bag.

  I felt him shrug. “More than–”

  I brandished my textbook at him. “If you say ‘the git, apparently’ you’ll meet my less jovial side.”

  “I didn’t realise this was your jovial side. You need to work on that.” He was completely deadpan.

  “Let me guess, you think I should work on that by having a random hook up?”

  “What better way?”

  I scowled at him in disbelief. “Um, plenty.”

  “Name one.”

  “I don’t have to justify myself to you, King Douche.”

  He leant towards me. “You wouldn’t believe what a bit of skin on skin contact will do for you, Holly,” he whispered in my ear. “A soft caress. A kiss to make your mind blissfully blank. A touch to set your skin on fire.”

  I swallowed hard but hid it well. “Some French to help you keep your grades up.”

  As he chuckled, his breath tickled my neck and I firmly chastised the way my heart twirled and goose bumps flared to life across my arms.

  “Whatever you say, Holly.”

  So, we studied. And, I couldn’t get the idea of a hook up out of my head.

  It might not send the exact right message to Jason if I hooked up with someone, but it could make him jealous maybe? What better way to have him finally notice me than for me to be with someone else? Although, he’d had the opportunity to be jealous of me with someone else in the past and it hadn’t worked. I suppose that might have been because my crush on Jason meant I hadn’t really been into it in the past. Could I be into it now?

  Who the hell would I even hook up with?

  No one. It would be stupid to think I could make Jason finally notice me by hooking up with someone else. Although…what would Nancy do? She’d hook up with someone else.

  “What happened to that other guy?” Xander asked after a while as though he could read my thoughts.

  “What other guy?” I sighed and I turned the page.


  “That guy you were dating…whenever it was.”

  “That’s really not helping.”

  “I don’t know. Like I keep track of who you date when.”

  “You seem to remember there was a guy.” There’d only been one guy all year actually.

  “I notice some things.”

  “Obviously nothing about French. Here.” I pushed the book at him.

  “Tell me about the guy first.”

  I rolled my eyes. “Matt and I broke up months ago.”

  “So, you can’t date him again then?”

  I looked up at him and frowned. “I’m going to deal with this like a mature human being. I’m not going to throw myself at someone else just because Jason–”

  “Broke your heart.”

  “Okay. Stop that now,” I snapped and elbowed him. “I’m fine.”

  I wasn’t, but King Douche didn’t need to know that. His suggestion was a tad too enticing, but I was going to keep telling myself that I wasn’t going to stoop to ridiculously shallow and juvenile lows to make myself feel better. If Jason wanted Nancy, I just had to be a big girl and deal with it. I could get to a point where I supported them.

  Eventually.

  Well, him.

  Maybe.

  I hoped.

  God, I really wasn’t sure how I felt about Nancy at this point.

  On a scale of Best Friends Forever to Arch Nemesis, where does ‘encouraging you to declare your feelings for the person they’re currently dating’ fall?

  “So, Matt’s out–”

  “Everyone’s out!” I interrupted. “No one’s in. Now, are you going to look at this French stuff or not? Madame Renoir will probably fail me if your marks don’t go up.”

  “She won’t–”

  “Not doing this today, King Douche!” I snapped, dropping my hands in my lap. “We both know everyone at this school tiptoes around you because you’re captain of the soccer team and oh so dreamy and whatever else bullshit excuse they come up with. Madame Renoir is no exception. You told her I was helping you and there is no way she’ll punish you if she doesn’t have to, so that will fall on me. Can we just stop worrying about things that aren’t important and do some damned study!”