Keeping Up Appearances

by Elizabeth Stevens

He finally tucked us away in a side courtyard. He dropped down onto the bench and patted the seat beside him. “Sit down.”

  I looked at in in confusion. “You have practice.”

  “Come on.”

  “Xander, you can’t skip practice.”

  “I’m not skipping. I’m going to be late. Remember?”

  “Xander–” I started quite forcefully but he interrupted me as he leant his elbows on his knees and glared at me.

  “Babe, I play or practice at least five days a week. I can take a few minutes out to prioritise my girlfriend when she’s upset.” He sat back again. “Now, are you going to sit or make me stand up with you?”

  “You getting too old to stand up?” I stalled and he smirked.

  “There’s a lot of things I’ll do for you. But wasting my prime years on unnecessary standing is not one of them.”

  I snorted. “Prime years?”

  He nodded sagely. “Yep. I will never again know such good times as these. It’s all downhill from here.”

  I sat beside him with a laugh. “Well. The things I have to look forward to, huh?”

  “Oh no. You won’t hit your prime ‘til you’re like thirty.”

  I looked at him. “What? Why?”

  He winked at me and the corner of his mouth wouldn’t stay down no matter how much he looked like he was trying to make it.

  I nodded, fighting a smile of my own. “Yeah, I rescind that question.”

  “Okay, my turn then. What’s up?”

  “Why do you think anything’s up?” I asked, fiddling with my bag strap.

  “Okay. It’s that sort of day? No worries.” He ran his hand over his chin before putting it on the back of the bench behind me. “So, Mum and Dad decided not to come home last night. Something about a party in Morocco they couldn’t possibly miss for some couple they’d only just met. She finished off with the traditional ‘you know how it is, darling,’ and I responded with the usual ‘of course I do’, then she told me they loved me, reminded me to check in with my aunt and hung up.”

  My heart jiggled in what I couldn’t decide was excitement or nervousness. We were back to that semi-serious tone and I wasn’t sure if I wanted to investigate it more or not. I hadn’t been brave enough to look into why I felt a little uncomfortable about the whole potential of Xander’s serious side. I didn’t know if it was our history, or I was never going to be free of caring what people thought of me, or any other number of reasons I didn’t even want to contemplate.

  “Where’s the world that doesn’t care…” I muttered.

  “What?” Xander asked.

  I shook my head and looked at him. “I don’t know.”

  He smiled softly, almost uncertainly. There was nothing of the cocky arrogance about him, but this hesitant demeanour didn’t do anything less for his charm-factor than the smirk that conned you into all sorts of trouble.

  “Well, I’d call you back, but that seems a shameful waste of data just now. Besides, I look far better in person.”

  I huffed a laugh and looked at my lap.

  I heard Xander breathe out deeply.

  “I’ve seen my parents probably something like a total of seventy-two hours in the last six months. That doesn’t include the time I was asleep or at soccer or anywhere but at home. So, some of that’s on me. But, they’ve been in the city,” he breathed out again, “I think the equivalent of two weeks in that time? At the very most.”

  He sounded so…lost, so uncomfortable.

  My heart and I snuck a look at him from the corner of my eye. My heart peered around my ribcage, wondering if it was allowed to go to him. I decided that maybe, just this once, I’d let it.

  “I’m sorry, Xand.”

  He shrugged. “It is what it is. I have soccer and the Bows and you–”

  “But, you’re lonely.”

  He looked at me askance and his smirk only just reached his eyes. “King Douche is never lonely.”

  “Maybe not. But, it seems Xander is.”

  He looked away and nodded. “Maybe.”

  I felt like this was one of those quid pro quo moments. If only because it was a return of the trust he’d shown me because there was a mountain more his tone and his eyes were saying about his feelings than the words alone.

  “The group kicked me from the chat,” I said quickly before I lost the nerve to open up to him.

  He twitched like he was trying not to react in a certain way, I just wasn’t sure what it was. “They what?”

  “I know it’s a stupid thing to get weird about. And, in the grand scheme, who cares. I just–”

  “Holly, it’s not stupid.” Xander turned to me and cupped my cheek. “Okay? It’s not stupid.” He pressed a kiss to my forehead and looked at me seriously. “I’m not going to pretend I care about them beyond what they mean to you – you’re far too intelligent for that to be anything but insulting. But, I get it. I can’t imagine what it would be like if I lost the Bows. Okay? Everything else aside, I don’t know what I’d do without Greg and Dan. Life would suck without Rand, Tara, Teag, Sabrina.” He scoffed. “And, no Rach? Fuck, I wouldn’t be strong enough to deal with it the way you have.”

  “What? Deciding to fake date your ex-best friend’s nemesis?”

  “I was thinking more along the lines of still being able to smile and not sit at home and eat ice cream by the tub.”

  I lifted up his t-shirt and looked at his abs. “I somehow don’t see you sitting at home and just scarfing tubs of ice cream.”

  He grinned. “Trust me, I pay for it dearly after.”

  “I don’t believe you.”

  “Fine. You, me and at least six tubs of ice cream.”

  “Four litre?” I panicked.

  “One.”

  I nodded. That I could do. “It’s a date.”

  His smile was warm as he wrapped me up.

  “The stupidest thing is, I miss Jason,” I told him, safely unable to look at him with my face pressed into his shoulder. “But, then on the other hand I sort of don’t because he hasn’t once stood up for me with Nancy. And then I remember something we used to do together, something we’d laughed at and I just miss him so much.”

  I felt him stiffen, but then he just hugged me harder. “That I find less easy to sympathise with, but I’m trying.” And, he really sounded like he meant it.

  I smiled despite everything because I was pretty sure, if the roles were reversed, that Jason wouldn’t even try. “I guess it’s like Rachel–”

  Xander barked a loud laugh as he pulled away and shoved his fist to his mouth. He shook his head as he shook with silent laughter and waved a ‘hang on’ hand at me. I frowned, unable to not smile in the face of his laughter, but completely confused.

  “Sorry,” he panted as he tried to take deep breaths. “Sorry. But, I just… No. Wow. Okay. So, me and Rachel? Not a thing that will ever happen. I mean, Hell could freeze over and it’s still a hard pass on that one.” His eyes focussed on me for a moment and he sobered. “But, the concept of betrayal isn’t beyond me. Babe, what can I do?”

  I shook my head. “I don’t know. I guess I’ll get over it?”

  He rubbed the back of his head and looked totally out of his element. “Have you talked to him?”

  “About what?”

  He shrugged. “Anything. Everything.”

  “No. I had words with Nancy. But, Jason… No.”

  “Would it help?”

  “I don’t know.” I honestly didn’t know if I wanted to hear what he had to say or just keep on keeping on.

  “Would talking about him help?” he said slowly, like he was already regretting asking.

  “What do you mean?”

  He shrugged. “I don’t know. But, I hear that talking about people sometimes helps you move on or something. I don’t know, I’ve never done therapy or anything but–”

  “I have,” just blurted its way out of my mouth. Neit
her Jason or Nancy knew I’d been to therapy, I always felt they’d judge me for it regardless of how they actually would have reacted.

  There was silence for a moment and I refused to look at him. “Did,” he cleared his throat adorably awkwardly, “you want to talk about that?”

  I looked up at him with a smile, appreciating the effort. “There’s not a lot to talk about. When my parents got divorced, they sent Mark and me to a psychologist for a few months to ‘help with the changes’ they said. I was ten and learning about putting things into perspective and accepting change, teaching myself to not focus on the wrong things instead of the right things, to analyse myself to be wary for signs of depression or anxiety. I still don’t know if I’m doing it right.” I gave an awkward huff of a laugh. “In hindsight, Mark and I don’t think he was a very good psych.”

  Xander cleared his throat again and I felt him shift in his seat. “Any…signs?”

  I shook my head. “I don’t think so. I mean, I can’t say I think all of my split-second decisions of the last couple of weeks were my finest moments. And, the Bows can be a little stressful. But, we’re all good on the signs front.”

  “Stressful?”

  “It’s okay. I guess it’s better than not having anyone, you know. Better to belong among hostility than not at all.”

  “Doll…”

  “That was meant a little tongue-in-cheek, Xand.”

  “But only a little?”

  I shrugged. “Yeah. I mean, you’re a pretty good distraction, but I can only pretend for so long that any of your friends like me.”

  “That’s not true. I’m pretty sure Greg and Miranda are about to stage a coup.” It was a testament to the fact we might have been having a moment that he didn’t comment on how good a distraction he was; I could only imagine the effort it took him.

  I smiled. “I appreciate that. But, they’re loyal to you. They all are. They’re good friends.” I scoffed and looked up at the leaves swaying above us. “Who would have thought I’d ever say anything nice about the Bows?”

  “Dan’s a total arsehat,” Xander commented like that might make me feel better.

  I laughed. “Still a good friend to you though.”

  “Is there anything I can do?”

  I shook my head again. “No. Thanks, though. It’s just nice to have a wallow sometimes, you know? Just kind of sit and be sad and annoyed, then the moment passes and you don’t have to hang onto it.”

  “You know. We can…”

  I looked at him in question.

  “I’m here, Holly.” He was so sincere and my heart looked at me for permission I was happy to give before it scooted on over to him. “Anything. I’m here. I’ll wallow with you whenever you want, if you’d like. I’m always on Team Holly, no matter what anyone else thinks.”

  “You don’t have to do that.”

  “What else is a boyfriend for?”

  “Fake boyfriend.”

  The seriousness didn’t leave Xander’s eyes as his teeth caught his bottom lip and he nodded once. Something about the action had my heart slapping my brain upside the head, but I couldn’t have told you why that was.

  Chapter Eighteen

  Xander’s head leant on mine and he smiled. “You so do, I see it in your eyes.”

  I tried so hard not to smile that my cheeks were already hurting. “I do not.” But, it came out more of a laugh.

  He nodded. “You so do.”

  “I don’t think you’re charming.”

  “Why not? I’m totally charming!”

  I leant one hand on his chest while I cupped his jaw. “No. That would be cocky and arrogant and maybe a little attractive.”

  He snorted. “Maybe a little attractive?” he repeated, mock-indignantly.

  I nodded. “Those things don’t amount to charm.”

  Xander opened his mouth but we were interrupted when someone yelled “Holly and Xander!” excitedly as they walked passed us like they were cheering for us.

  Xander and I both looked up. But, I assumed the person had gone since there wasn’t anyone close enough to us it could have been.

  As my eyes scanned the hallway, I saw a guy younger than us further down the hallway. He was shaking his head at me in disgust. I was pretty sure I recognised him as the guy who always won the chess games. Then, I was completely astounded as a girl I knew to be a Bow-wannabe came up next to him and glared at Xander.

  Xander’s hand tightened against my back, but it felt more surprise than comfort.

  “They are getting really serious about this,” Xander said softly.

  “I thought you loved gossip,” I said looking at him.

  “I’m usually amused by gossip,” he answered as his eyes kept scanning the corridor. “And quite often indifferent. Not the same.”

  “Oh, and this isn’t amusing?” I teased and he looked at me with a smile.

  “You a comedienne now?”

  I nodded. “Unlike some people, I’m very charming.”

  “Yeah, well that’s not wrong,” he said begrudgingly and wrapped his arm around my shoulders.

  I laughed as I leant into him and we headed down the corridor. As we went, I saw Jason weirdly on his own for once. The conversation with Xander the day before played over in my head and I made another one of those split-second decisions. I patted Xander’s chest.

  “Give me a minute, yeah?” I said to him absently.

  “Yeah, ‘course. I’ll see you out there?”

  “Yep.”

  I felt him kiss my head and then he was gone. I shook myself out and walked towards Jason, telling my heart that the kids in the corridor weren’t staring at me in morbid interest and refusing to look because my brain knew they were.

  “Jason?” I touched his arm gently and he jumped.

  He turned and looked at me like I was a mirage he was expecting to disappear again. “Yeah.” He nodded.

  I looked down for a second. “Um. Hi.”

  “Hi.”

  I did a great impression of awkward Xander and cleared my throat. “How are you?”

  He looked at me and then around the corridor like he wasn’t sure if it was a trick question. “Fine. You?”

  I nodded. “Fine.”

  We stood in seriously sizzling awkwardness for too many stressful heartbeats. But, it was nothing like the sizzle with Xander, this was all the wrong kind of discomfort. I couldn’t look at him so I stared at a patch on the bottom locker next to his leg.

  “Did you want something?” Jason finally snapped and I looked up.

  His blue eyes were hard, the skin around his mouth taught like his jaw was clenched. I couldn’t see any sign of the boy I’d grown up with. There was no sign of the boy who’d re-enacted Disney movies with me in the living room over and over until our parents went mental. There was no sign of the boy I learnt to rollerblade with, the boy who pretended he wasn’t any good at it so I thought I was better at something for once. Gone was the boy I’d called almost every night before bed for years and just talked. Gone was the boy I shared ice cream with, the boy I told most of my secrets to.

  The guy in front of me hated me.

  I wondered if this was the guy Xander saw when he looked at Jason. The guy that Xander had never liked. Was this the person the Bows saw? What sort of person had they seen in me when I’d stood next to him? If it was anything like the guy in front of me now, I wasn’t surprised most of them still hated me. I was surprised more didn’t still.

  “Yes? No?”

  I blinked. “I just… I don’t know. I thought we could–”

  “Could what? Talk? You’re dating King Douche. What’s left to say?” He slammed his locker.

  “I don’t know. How about an explanation? How about an apology? How about you explain why you didn’t tell me about you and Nancy?”

  “Nancy said…” He paused and my heart dropped to the floor, expecting the worst. “Nancy said we’d tell you
together. You weren’t supposed to find out like that. Nancy said we should act natural until we had a chance to tell you together. She said–”

  “Nancy said? Nancy said? Since when don’t you think for yourself?” I asked.

  This wasn’t the Jason I knew. This wasn’t the guy who blazed the trail, who made the rules and the decisions. This wasn’t the guy who walked around with a confidence to rival Xander’s and a smile for everyone.

  He shrugged. “Since I trusted her to know how you’d react.”

  I blinked. “Why? Why would she possibly have known better than you?”

  Jason gave a weird grimace-frown and wouldn’t look at me. “We’d talked about it… A lot. She said you’d be…”

  His nose wrinkled like he wasn’t sure if he should keep talking and my heart shuffled back into a corner in fear. What the hell had they talked about? He knew. He had to know. She must have told him. He’d known this whole time? And he’d not once ever done or said anything about it. God, that was worse than him just never seeing me.

  “Nance said you’d need some…time with it. I didn’t expect it would send you into the arms of the King of the Bows.”

  I swallowed. The least I could do here was try to save face, keep up appearances. Maybe if I focussed on that, I could ignore the panic trying to grip me that told me Jason had known all this time how I felt about him and… What? Just hadn’t cared?

  “We were together before that,” I said, but my voice sounded choked.

  Jason frowned. “Before that?”

  I nodded. “About a week before.” When were we supposed to have got together? I don’t think we’d covered this. I was going to have to ask Xander for a day or a date or something more substantial that round-about numbers.

  “You were already dating King Douche?”

  I nodded. “He’s…not like we thought he was.”

  Jason gave me a superior snide look. “And you were stupid enough to fall for it?”

  I bristled. “There wasn’t any stupidity involved. Thanks for that great vote of confidence. I thought you were supposed to be my best friend?”

  “And, I thought you were mine. But, best friends don’t go fucking my rivals.”

  My throat hitched. “No one’s fucked anyone,” I spat and I watched the surprise on his face. “Oh, did you actually believe that story your girlfriend’s spreading?” I sounded calm enough, but my heart was giving that Godzilla tantrum a go because I could see in his eyes that he’d believed everything that Nancy had said. I looked around quickly – noting that every person in the corridor was conspicuously staring at us – and stepped closer to him. “Xander asked me out, I’ll have you know.” Not really a lie. “I resisted for you,” it wasn’t quite a lie, “for as long as I could. But, I like him. I really like him, Jason.” That was less a lie than was advisable. “But, I haven’t had sex with him and there aren’t any plans to change that any time soon.” That one was definitely not a lie.