Keeping Up Appearances

by Elizabeth Stevens

  Jason swallowed and I saw him looking for bullshit. Other than Mark, Jason had been the only person I’d thought could read me like a book, especially if I tried lying to him. Which had made the fact that he’d never noticed I’d liked him –when even apparently Xander had – all that much weirder.

  “I was going to deny my heart for you, Jason Isaac Thomas. But, I didn’t feel quite so bad about it after I realised you’d lied to me.”

  “I lied to you? At least I dated within the group. What I did was acceptable.”

  “Acceptable?” I asked; so ten years boiled down to meaning less than stupid high school clichés and rules and regulations, did it?

  “You’re the one who crossed the social lines and broke everything!” Talk about breaking; his voice broke on the last word.

  I blinked. “Broke everything?” I scoffed. “I would have gotten over my moment of crazy, but you’re the one who just sits there while Nancy rags on me constantly! You’re the one who’s believed every lie out of her mouth.”

  “Oh, I thought you really liked him?” Jason sneered and I’d given up looking for any sign my best friend was still in there.

  It seemed like no matter what my intention had been in coming to talk to him, there was no resolving this. Any idea of finding my way back to Jason one day in any capacity was slipping further and further out of reach. Which made me feel less bad about what I said to him next.

  “I do. But, I would have had less incentive to hang around a bunch of people who hate me if you’d been a better friend!”

  “A better friend? That’s rich. You know I hate him. You know I’ve hated him since I met him.”

  “Yeah, and why is that, Jason?”

  “You know why!”

  “I don’t think anyone does!” I snapped and it was the truth; it seemed no one could remember why Xander and Jason hated each other beyond it being a fact.

  “Because he’s a smarmy arsehole. He just turned up and expected everyone to bow to him and his money and his smile. So, he’s a decent soccer player? Whatever. He’s always been rude and arrogant and a total wanker. But, what did my feelings matter? You had to have what you wanted. You always have to have what you want.”

  Oh, that was so far from what I’d wanted. And, I couldn’t remember the last time we’d done anything I wanted over what he’d wanted.

  “You have no idea what you’re talking about. If you and Nancy talked so much about it, you’d know that’s not true. What happened to the guy the school worshipped, huh? What happened to the guy Mark passed his mantle onto? Where’s the Jason I knew?”

  “Maybe you never knew me.”

  I scoffed, “Yeah, because you knew the real Holly.”

  It had just come out. But, as soon as I’d said it, I wondered how true it was. I wondered if maybe Jason and I had never really known each other after all. Had we just been the person we thought the other wanted us to be? The person we knew wouldn’t get unfriended or teased? Not that I had time to dwell on that as he scoffed right back.

  “I’m the only one who does know you. You think that wanker knows you? There’s only one part of you he wants to know and shame on you for giving it to him.”

  Did he actually still believe I’d slept with Xander?

  I blinked hard, hoping the tears weren’t going to fall. “You know what, Jason? I hope you and Nancy are very happy together. I can see I chose the right guy for me in the end.”

  My hand went to my nose in some weird half-arsed attempt to keep the tears back as I turned and hurried away from him. But, I was stopped when someone grabbed my arm. I was about to yell at Jason, but it was Daniel’s face I saw glaring down at me.

  “I knew it was only a matter of time before you went crawling back to him,” he said, anger and contempt deep in his eyes. I’d never noticed there was a light brown fleck in the green, but I was plenty close to see it now.

  I sniffed. “I wasn’t crawling back to anyone,” I answered, pulling my arm from his hand.

  “Do you give the idJit daily reports? Or, are they only weekly?”

  The tears were only going to be held back for a little longer and my brain was currently the only one trying to keep those floodgates closed; my heart had pulled out a row boat to ride out the inevitable storm in the most dramatic way possible.

  “It’s the first time I’ve spoken to him in weeks,” I answered.

  “Monthly then? Well, I guess you didn’t want to be too obvious.”

  I breathed in deeply, about to lose my tenuous hold on many things; keeping my fist out of Daniel’s face was one of them. But, my fist in Daniel’s face wasn’t going to go well, especially when the way back to Jason was getting more difficult to see. So, I did a really un-Holly thing; I was completely honest regardless of the consequences. I gave up trying to fit in, to placate someone else, and I just told Daniel exactly what was going through my head.

  “Daniel, I get it. Okay? I get this macho act you’ve got going. Protect Xander at all costs. I get it. I’m all for it. You have no idea how all for it I am. But, right now? Your timing sucks, man. I’m literally about to have a break down and it’s not going to be pretty. So, you want to go at it? We can go at it. All free shots, I’ll let you say whatever you want. I’ll even yell back if it’ll make you feel better. But, right now I’mma need to just bawl my eyes out over the fact that my best friend isn’t the guy I thought he was. I need to just be completely emotional about the fact that I chose Xander and, while that was the right choice, it’s not an easy one. You can hang around and wait until I’m done. Or, you can yell at me later. Preference?” My voice had started to waver dangerously, my throat had that hot pressure in it and my eyes prickled. I sniffed and looked at Daniel seriously.

  “Uh…” He frowned as he looked me over. “Later is…fine.”

  “Okay. I’ll find you when I’m done.” I nodded and made for the nearest bathroom.

  And, once there, I locked myself in a stall and I just let myself cry. I couldn’t remember if I’d cried before then or not. I couldn’t remember if I’d dealt with anything before that or not. I tried to use my perspective. I tried to identify what I was feeling and put it in context, to work out what I needed to do to get through this. There was only one thing one my mind.

  Xander.

  Xander would know what stupid thing to say to make me feel better.

  Somehow, the King of the Bows could cheer me up without any effort when I couldn’t remember the last time Jason had actively done the same. That realisation alone had me feeling like I was mourning something I’d never had in the first place. And that made me feel like an idiot.

  I felt the tears slow and wiped my nose. I sat for a few breaths, hoping my eyes hadn’t gone totally puffy but also sort of not caring if they had. Finally, I pulled myself together and up, rinsed my face, shook myself out and headed out for the Bows’ table.

  When I got there, I found Daniel talking to Xander. They both happened to look over and see me coming towards them. I stopped in front of them and let out a deep breath. Xander would know how to make me feel better, but I owed Daniel a conversation first.

  “You okay?” Xander asked me and I nodded to him distractedly.

  “We doing this or what?” I asked Daniel.

  He looked at Xander like he wasn’t sure anymore, but he nodded.

  “Xander, can you excuse us a minute?” I asked, not taking my eyes from Daniel.

  “Uh…should I be worried?” Xander said slowly.

  “Not at all.” I kicked my head sideways and didn’t wait for Daniel to follow me.

  “Okay, say it.” I stopped a little way away, looking forward to getting a second confrontation over. I was almost feeling like I could confront Rachel after this, but I was going leash my heart on that one until further notice.

  “Say what?” Daniel replied.

  “Whatever is it you need to say. How you hate me. How I’m no good. How I’m just a s
py for JT. Whatever it is you feel you need to tell me, tell me. Whatever piece of your mind you need to give me, give it.” I even crooked my fingers at him, cheesy old Kung Fu movie style.

  “Are you…okay?” he asked, stilted like it cost him an effort.

  I almost though I saw a chink in the armour, that maybe there was a way to win his trust one day. I reminded myself how I’d feel if the tables were turned and didn’t blame him. That gave me the courage to plough on.

  “This isn’t about my feelings, Daniel. It’s about yours.”

  He stretched his neck. “Fine. You’re not good enough for him, you know.”

  I nodded. “Noted.”

  “You can think he’s fallen for you, but he’ll wake up one day and realise you’re just using him.”

  “And, what am I using him for?” I asked, feeling this odd sense of clarity and calm, like my heart and my brain weren’t quite connected at the moment, like my heart was running off adrenalin and felt like it could take on the Hulk single-handedly.

  Daniel blinked like whatever he’d been expecting this to be…this wasn’t it. “The idJit might not have noticed you, but Xand will see through you soon.” You’ve got to hand it to him, he rallied well.

  “I don’t know what you think is going to happen–”

  “I’d say the same thing to you. You think JT’s going to suddenly turn around and notice you now? You’ve been invisible to him for years. Although how is fucking beyond anyone. Your crush on him was the most obvious thing in fucking history. You think you can use Xand to get back at him for choosing the slag? You hurt him and I will hurt you, you understand me?”

  I nodded. “I understand you. Although, my crush on Jason was obviously not the most obvious thing in history since, as you say, I was invisible to him for years. It might be beyond your brain, Daniel. But, it’s not impossible for someone to stop liking one person and fall for another. In fact, it’s kind of normal. Especially at our age. You think anyone our age is getting married and growing old together?”

  “So, Xander’s a passing fancy then.”

  I groaned; why did people do this? “No. I don’t know how long we have. But, I’m not stupid enough to think we’ll still be together in twenty years.”

  “And if he is?”

  My heart paused in its distractions to look at him. “What?”

  “If Xand’s decided you’re the one and you come in and tell me he’s not? What am I meant to do with that? Do I hurt him now or pick up the pieces you inevitably leave behind?”

  My eyes slid to Xander. “I’m not…” I breathed, not sure what I wasn’t. “I don’t want to hurt him.”

  “Yeah, you might want to think about that while you’ve decided you’re not in it for the long haul and while you’re sneaking around with JT.”

  “I’m not–”

  “I don’t care, Holly. You need to decide. Because Xand’s not the kind of guy who’s not one hundred percent sure before he does something. You wonder why you’re his first girlfriend? I hope to God he’s seen something in you I haven’t, because the alternative is fucking heartbreaking.”

  He made to walk away and I stopped him. “Daniel… I do really like him…”

  Daniel stared into my eyes and that frown didn’t change. “Yeah. You like him now. But, how long until you’ve decided it’s enough? Ten years? Fifteen? Less than one? I get not planning to be together forever, Holly. We’re seventeen. But, just expecting to not be? How the hell does that work? Why bother?”

  I swallowed. “It’s just how it is.”

  “With who?” he asked, throwing his arms in the air. “Who gets to dictate how long your relationship lasts? Last I checked it was the people in the relationship. None of us are going to tell him he shouldn’t be with you no matter how much we want to. Something about you makes him happy and we’re not ruining that. But, I don’t care what decree Rachel passed down. If I think you’re going to hurt him, then I’m stepping in.”

  I shook my head. “I’m not going to hurt him.” I couldn’t tell him how much I wanted that to be true.

  “It’s simple loyalty, Holly. I get you’re not used to it. But, it’s a nifty concept.”

  With that, he turned on his heel and stalked off. I stood there for a moment, not sure what to think or to feel.

  I had the school seemingly slowly taking sides, but I knew the Bows were going to stand behind Xander. There was no Xander and Holly in their minds. It didn’t matter that everyone else was cheering for the both of us. To the Bows, it was Nancy and Jason in one corner, Xander in the other, and me in the middle with one foot in either corner. I didn’t know how I could show them I was in Xander’s corner. But, I knew I was going to have to do something.

  Although, when I saw Jason later that day and saw a slight dusky patch forming on his cheek that looked eerily like a bruise forming and a corresponding mark on Daniel’s fist, I wondered if maybe the real me – no holds barred – was the only thing that would prove my loyalty, the only thing that would prove I was in Xander’s corner after all.

  I’d done everything to fit in with Jason and my old group, done everything I could to be that person who wouldn’t get teased or shunned. Well, look what had happened to that girl. It was time for me to stop simpering. Time for me to stop tiptoeing. Time for me to stop just being Xander’s unsure (fake) girlfriend out of her depth. It was time I acted like I wanted to belong, like a Bow. Time for me to just lay my heart out there and hope to God someone other than Xander could like me for me.

  Chapter Nineteen

  “I’m winning the bet,” Xander chuckled in my ear, his arms around my stomach as we walked awkwardly across the quad.

  I scoffed. “You are not.”

  “I am. Do I have until midnight or half three?”

  “For what?” I asked.

  “To win.”

  “Point’s moot, I will not think you’re charming by half three or by midnight.”

  He squeezed me and laughed. “We’ll see about–”

  “Bowen!” the very recognisable voice of Jason shouted across the quad from behind us.

  “Oh, have I been a bad boy?” Xander asked me teasingly and I snorted.

  “Probably, but I doubt he knows about it.”

  Xander chuckled. “True. Unless, he’s–”

  “Bowen!” Jason yelled again, closer this time.

  I turned in Xander’s arms.

  “Oh, git sounds pissed!” Xander smiled.

  I smiled back. “It’s you, of course he… Oh…” I’d peered around Xander and saw the utter fury on Jason’s face as he walked towards us. “Oh, yeah, he’s pissed. I’ve never seen him so piss– Jason!” I yelped as Jason pulled Xander around and punched him in the face.

  That caused interest from the students in the quad and they started gathering around, presumably expecting this fight that I’d been hearing about since this whole mess started.

  Xander took a step back and frowned. “You right, Thomas?”

  Jason pointed at Xander. “You think you’re good enough for her?”

  Xander wiped the blood from his lip, smirking. “You think you are?”

  “I know what you want from her and she deserves better,” Jason said, pointing at Xander.

  Well, wasn’t this an interesting turn of events?

  Xander still smirked, but his eyes were hard as they flashed to me. “What she deserves is a best mate who isn’t going to break her heart by lying to her. And like it’s any of your business, but there does happen to be one girl I can’t get into bed at this school and that girl happens to be my girlfriend. Which is more than fine by me.”

  The crowd was still growing and muttering could now be heard at that last statement; yes, King of the Bows freely admitting as though he didn’t care that he’d failed in a conquest was going to be the talk of the school.

  “Why would you waste your time on her, then?” Jason seemed genuinely confused by thi
s prospect.

  Xander looked at Jason like he’d just asked why grass was purple and Xander couldn’t for the life of him work out what was wrong with Jason to think such a thing.

  “Uh firstly, arsehole, I’m not wasting my time on her,” Xander answered, stepping forward and I actually believed he meant everything he was saying. “Unlike you, I appreciate spending time with Holly for Holly, not what I think she’ll do for me. If we have sex, that’s on her terms.” Sounded like a slightly pointed message to me, but I was a little distracted. “And secondly, where do you get off treating her like shit then trying to dictate any part of her life?”

  Jason punched Xander again, and Xander just let him. Xander shook himself out and stretched his jaw, but made no move to hit Jason back. I wondered why; I mean, Xander could easily take Jason out.

  “I suggest you walk away, Thomas…” Xander said slowly, his voice low.

  Jason looked both terrified and resolute. “It’s you who should walk away from her, arsehole.”

  “Well personally, I think that should be Holly’s choice.” He stretched his jaw out some more. “She chose me, Thomas, and I am just selfish enough to stay with her until she tells me she doesn’t want me. Why don’t you run along back to your girlfriend? I can’t imagine she’s going to be very impressed to hear you’re fighting for another girl.”

  “I’m not fighting for her!” Jason said indignantly, and I suddenly realised he couldn’t even say my name. Even two days earlier, he’d never said my name.