Finding Bliss

by Dina Silver

  I nodded like a child.

  “So why is she getting involved? She and my father need to stay the hell out of my life.”

  I had no answer for him. All I could think was that the screen door was going to fly open again, and this time that ninety-pound glow-in-the-dark Q-tip would be standing there holding a pair of shearing scissors with my hair’s name on it.

  Tyler wrenched my hand away from my side and placed it on the scar above his eye. “You wanted to know how I got this,” he snapped. “Ask me again!”

  I shook my head no.

  “Ask me, Chloe.”

  I looked at the scar and then into his eyes.

  “Ask me,” he repeated.

  “Where did you get it?”

  “I got it from him.” He pointed vaguely toward the house. “He threw a frozen can of Red Bull at my head. The edge of the lid landed right here, just above my eye, and sliced open my skin an inch wide,” Tyler said. “I fumbled a snap that day.”

  I sighed.

  “You want to know about the two on my back?”

  I shook my head. “I need to go. This is crazy,” I said softly, trying to free myself from his grip. My eyes and cheeks were burning. “Please, Tyler, I don’t know what you want from me, and I don’t care. I need to go inside and figure out how I’m going to face your mother in the morning, and you need to do the same with Sadie. I’m willing to take the blame for all of this because I should have known better. Whether you do or not, I do know better. I never should’ve let myself get involved. I never should’ve put myself in a position where people could get hurt, especially me. I’m sorry about your dad, I really am, but it sounds like we both have enough of our own problems. There’s no sense in upsetting everyone to try and make this work. I don’t think you have a clue as to what you want, and I can’t be tossed around while you figure it out,” I said, and he released me.

  “I think it’s you that I want, Chloe.”

  “You think, but you don’t know.” My eyes were shifting from him to the house. “And you’re being selfish and unrealistic. We’re both being unrealistic. Your girlfriend is asleep in the house for God’s sake, and I’m going to law school in a few weeks.” I sighed. “I like you, Tyler, you know I do. I’ve liked you for so long, and wanted this so badly that I’d actually convinced myself that you were capable of feeling the same way about me. Only I just let my infatuation for you go too far—and I thought it might end like this.”

  He bit his bottom lip and furrowed his brow. “You think you know me, but you don’t,” he began, teeth clenched. “And you think you know better, but you obviously don’t. You’re no different than anyone else. You bought into the same fantasy everyone else does, so don’t beat yourself up about it.” He shook his head, briefly pointing a finger at me. “Only I expected you to be different.”

  I threw my hands up and then crossed my arms. “That’s not fair, and you know it. What on earth would you expect me to do? You get close to me, seduce me, fool around with me…and then vanish only to reappear with Sadie at your side. Who, by the way, is still here!” I reminded him. “Honestly, Tyler, are you so self-centered that you have no concern for either of us?”

  He thrust his head back and ran his fingers through his hair. “I’m sorry,” he said. “I left you that note because I wanted to apologize, and I did. I’m not sure how I let things get out of control between us, but my feelings for you are real.” He grabbed my elbows in a vice grip. “I like you, a lot, and I promise I wasn’t using you,” he said and gently shook me before letting go and allowing the blood to flow freely again through my arms. “I’m the asshole.”

  I sighed heavily and then ran up the hill before he could talk me out of it. Which he easily could have done.

  I was ashamed of myself and on the verge of tears when I returned to my room. My only consolation was that we were leaving Lake Geneva in a few days. I climbed under the covers and wiped my useless tears away. Tyler would head back to Notre Dame for preseason training soon, and I would start law school and leave him and the Reed family behind me once and for all.

  CHAPTER EIGHT

  The next morning was painful. Mrs. Reed, who usually had a daily tee time at eight o’clock, was still seated at the breakfast table with the kids and me at nine. She was quiet in her robe, scrolling through her phone and sipping her green tea while Sammy and Sarah debated how they wanted to spend their day.

  “We could have lunch at the place with the chili cheese fries?” Sarah suggested.

  “Or we could go to the pool and have daiquiris again?” Sammy said.

  “Nonalcoholic, of course,” I mumbled.

  Tyler sauntered in during our discussion and grabbed the orange juice from the fridge.

  “Tyler, can you come to the pool with us today?” Sammy asked excitedly.

  Mrs. Reed shot me a look, and then turned to face Tyler. He looked at her and answered Sammy.

  “Sure, squirt,” he said.

  I gulped.

  Mrs. Reed set her phone down on the table. “Why don’t you take Sadie to play tennis instead,” she suggested. “I’m sure she would love to see the courts, and then you two can have lunch at the club. I bet she would enjoy the Cobb salad; they use duck bacon. I’ll call and reserve a table for you.”

  “The pool’s fine,” Tyler told her.

  “Yay!” Sammy cheered. “Can you throw me in?”

  Before Tyler could answer, Mrs. Reed spoke again. “Of course, well, you won’t be needing Chloe then. You and Sadie can take the children, and she and I will stay here and organize my closet. I’m in such a state over getting everything ready before we leave, and I would be so grateful for the help,” she said, and then looked my way. “Could I trouble you for some help, Chloedear?”

  I’d rather stick your antique needle threader in my eye. “Of course,” I said.

  Sadie bounced in just as Tyler was about to speak.

  “I’m sure Chloe’s really dying to organize your shit, Mom. But I do need her there because Sadie and I are only going to stay for an hour or so. We’re meeting some people for a late lunch at Popeye’s.”

  Popeye’s was a Lake Geneva institution that had been around for over forty years. It sat at the edge of the lake in the center of town and was known for a large outdoor deck and the fried perch.

  “Well, I just read an article in Country Living that said too much fried food can lead to permanent belly fat,” Mrs. Reed added.

  My head whipped back and forth between Tyler and his mother as they decided my fate.

  “I can help organize!” Sadie chirped. “I love stuff like that.”

  I lifted a piece of toast to my mouth in hopes of suppressing my grin.

  Mrs. Reed smiled at her. “You all go have fun and do what you like,” she said and retreated to her bedroom.

  “What time are you going to the pool?” Tyler asked me.

  “We’re leaving in about half an hour.”

  He chugged his juice, leaving the empty glass on the counter next to the sink. “See you there,” he said and walked out of the kitchen with Sadie in tow.

  It was eleven o’clock by the time Tyler waltzed out onto the pool deck alone. Heads turned as he passed. It was hard for anyone not to stare at a real-life Adonis, especially one who looked every bit the celebrated college quarterback that Tyler did. He wore striped board shorts, a fitted heather gray T-shirt, Ray-Ban sunglasses, and a small, white towel draped loosely over his shoulders. The kids and I were in the shallow end having an underwater breath-holding contest when he shed his shirt and flip-flops and jumped in. As soon as he was in the water, throwing the twins in the air as easily as if they were pizza dough, I retreated to my deck chair. Behind my sunglasses I watched the joy on their faces as he wrestled and roughhoused with them for nearly an hour. No one was immune to his charm. That day in the pool, the center of Tyler’s attention, the kids were the happiest I’d seen them all summer. And I knew exactly how they felt.

  When Tyl
er attempted to exit the pool, they clung to his back like little monkeys, and he had to shake them off. He wiped his face with a towel and sat down on the chair next to mine, elbows resting on his knees.

  “I don’t know how you do it all day, every day with them. That was exhausting,” he said, his wet hair slicked back, eyes squinting toward the sun.

  I laughed. “Trust me, I’m not nearly that much fun. I throw coins in the pool, that’s about the extent of it.”

  He sniffed. “Look, Chloe, I’m leaving today after lunch to drive Sadie back to Milwaukee. Then I’m heading to Glenview for a couple nights before I have to go back to school for some preseason shit.”

  “Where is she?” I asked.

  “Getting her nails done.”

  I nodded slightly. “You can do better than her.”

  “Can I?” He smiled. “Hot law student better?”

  “Maybe,” I said.

  He looked away for a moment before resuming eye contact with me. There was a sense of uncertainty between us. I could feel it zapping my brain, daring me to say something meaningful. I gazed into his eyes with the same challenge. Tell me something, Tyler. Tell me what I want to hear.

  “So I guess this is it,” he said. “I’ll see ya around.”

  I exhaled. “I guess so.” I angled my head and smiled. “Have a safe trip, Ty.”

  Tyler leaned in and gave me a kiss on the cheek that lasted a beat longer than a peck. I gently touched his damp shoulder before he pulled away and stood. Heads turned once more as he walked away. I heard my mother’s voice as he strode out of my life, “You can’t always get what you want.”

  Tyler’s departure brought out my least favorite emotion: hopelessness. Just like when my mom came back from rehab. A low-grade sense of despair that was out of my control. I knew there was a connection between us, but not much I could do to save it if he was just going to walk away.

  By the time the kids and I arrived back at the house, tired and sunburned, Tyler and Sadie were gone. The house felt empty and cold, devoid of excitement. I began to pack the kids’ clothes and toys into large Rubbermaid containers, which would be picked up by a freight company that Monday. I left out only what they’d need to get through the next couple of days. Sarah and I were in the kids’ room folding her T-shirts when Mrs. Reed interrupted us. The tension between us had dissipated because she was a master at putting on a happy face and ignoring situations that gave her displeasure.

  “Dr. Reed has been called in for an emergency at the hospital, so he and I are going to be heading home this evening,” she said. “And we won’t be coming back.”

  “Oh?” I asked, confused.

  She leaned on the doorframe, her hands folded behind her back. Sarah went about her business, unconcerned with her mother’s schedule. “Since we were planning on closing up the house and leaving in two days anyway, Dr. Reed suggested that you stay here with the kids. Someone needs to meet the freight company on Monday with our things, and then you can drive Sammy and Sarah home in the Jeep afterward.”

  Hallelujah. I couldn’t have been happier to learn of the revised Reed-free plan and the chance to ride out my last couple of days without those two.

  “Of course, it’s my pleasure. We’ll be just fine,” I reassured her, trying to contain my glee. “Don’t worry about a thing; in fact, I can even go through your closet for you and get your things organized into bins with my little helper here,” I said, patting Sarah on the head.

  “Wonderful, thank you,” she said and pulled a small wrapped gift out from behind her back. “I have a little something for you.”

  Sarah jumped up to grab it from her and ran it over to me.

  “That’s so nice, thank you. You didn’t have to get me anything.”

  “Open it!” Sarah urged.

  The package was small and soft and felt like a gerbil covered in wrapping paper. I tore through the paper and discovered a tiny needlepoint pillow with a ribbon sewn to the top; the message read, “Find Your Bliss.”

  Anywhere but here, I thought to myself.

  “Find. Your. Bliss,” Sarah read aloud over my shoulder.

  “You can hang it on your door handle,” Mrs. Reed said, stating the obvious.

  “That was so kind of you to make this for me, thank you so much.”

  The next morning, the kids and I went into town, rented bikes, and rode around the lake. We had a late lunch consisting of gelato, homemade fudge, and Frappuccinos. Afterward, we went back to the house and watched a movie while I braided Sarah’s hair into cornrows. When we woke up on Saturday, I made toast and scrambled eggs loaded with cheddar cheese and bacon bits, and we took our plates down to the dock and threw bread crumbs into the water. Sammy had wanted to have breakfast with the fish before we left. I did my best to revel in my carefree state of mind those last few days, knowing that the pressures of law school would soon consume my life, but being in that house only reminded me of being with Tyler. I missed seeing him walk through the front door and throw himself onto the couch. I missed him tossing the kids in the air. I missed the giddy anticipation of seeing him turn a corner and smile when he saw me. I missed our late-night talks and basking in his undivided attention. I was surprised by just how much I missed him in only a few short hours.

  The kids and I whiled away most of that afternoon digging for worms and trying to catch one of our breakfast guests with Dr. Reed’s dusty fishing poles from the garage. After dinner in town, we came home and revived our fishing efforts to no avail until the sun went down. Sammy was “head baiter” since I had little interest in holding a worm, let alone piercing one.

  “Tomorrow’s our last night here, so why don’t we decide what we want to do?” I asked them.

  “I want to do a night swim at the Grand Geneva; you promised we could do that before we go,” Sarah reminded me.

  “Is that okay with you, Sammy?” I asked him.

  “That’s fine.”

  “What about horseback riding? Anyone want to do that tomorrow? We could go for a ride in the afternoon since the stables are near the resort, and then go to the pool afterward,” I suggested.

  Sarah nodded.

  We packed up the fishing gear, and I let them spend a half hour in bed with their handheld video games while I sat and read my book on the floor of their bedroom. At nine thirty I said good night, turned off the lights, and gently closed the door on my way out.

  When I turned around, Tyler was standing right in front of me.

  CHAPTER NINE

  He placed his hand over my mouth as I gasped with raw fear, sparing the kids the terror of hearing me scream. My eyes were still wide as he pulled his hand away and placed a finger in front of his lips. “Shhhh.”

  My heart was racing as I followed him down the hall, through the den, and into the kitchen trying to gather my thoughts and make sense of what was happening. Before I could speak, he pressed my back up against the counter and kissed me on the mouth.

  “Are you crazy?!” I said, pushing him away. “You scared the shit out of me. I could’ve had a heart attack.”

  “You look like you’re in pretty good shape to me,” he said, beaming wickedly.

  I took a deep breath and shook my head at him, but couldn’t help from smiling. “What are you doing here?” I asked.

  He stepped forward, wrapped his arms around me, and squeezed. A full-on emotion-filled embrace. No kiss, no wandering hands—just pure, unadulterated intimacy. I rested my cheek on his chest, and we stood there for what seemed like a lifetime. He was back. Just when I’d resigned myself to missing him forever, he was back in my arms, and until that moment, I had no idea it was possible to feel so happy.

  Tyler was the first to pull away. “I have something for you,” he said and grabbed a plastic bag from the breakfast table.

  “What’s this?”

  “Open it.”

  I untied the handles and pulled out a Notre Dame football jersey and pennant.

  “You’re a fan now,”
he said. “It’s official.”

  I hugged him again.

  Tyler took the bag and its contents from me and placed them back on the table. Then he took my hand and led me down to the lake where we sat on the lawn and looked up at the sky and discussed star formations like two little kids. He leaned in and placed a hand on my face and then kissed me. His touch was gentle and sweet, yet demanding. He then laid me down in the grass and explored every inch of my body under the moonlight, desperate to discover every curve. He kissed the soft pillow of skin behind my knees while mumbling something about my legs. His mouth traced the small of my back. His thumbs pressed into the base of my neck, and we made love on the hill for hours. I could not get enough of him. His smell, his skin, his touch. My body ached for him if he pulled away for even one second. Around three o’clock in the morning, we woke up naked and cold, grabbed our clothes, and scurried into the house. Tyler was unable to keep his hands off me as I awkwardly attempted to dress in front of him on the dark back porch.

  “What are we going to tell the kids?” I asked as he was inhaling my hair from behind.

  “About what?”

  “About why you’re back here, you fool.”

  “They don’t give a shit. Tell them I came back to toss them around the pool one more time,” he said.

  I smiled, thinking about how much joy that simple gesture would bring them. “What about your mother?” I asked, my smile fading. “I’m guessing you know that your parents are gone.”

  He backed away and threw himself onto the couch. “Whatever,” he said with a wave of his hand. “I’ll tell her I forgot something and decided to stay the night.”

  I sighed and did my best to convince myself that she was his problem, not mine.

  “Come over here,” Tyler said.

  I walked over and sat on his lap. We kissed on the couch for another hour before falling asleep.

  “Tyler?”