Only A Memory

by J. Lea

  I t stinks.

  Something stinks really bad.

  The awful smell is getting closer; something’s burning.

  Smoke.

  I smell smoke.

  My eyes jerk open.

  I turn over to Bradley to wake him up but he’s not there.

  “Ev!” My name sounds from far away.

  “Bradley!”

  “Everly, stay in the bedroom. Do you hear me?” I don’t listen. I swing the door open, and the scene in front of me literally throws me on my butt, knocking the wind out of me.

  “Oh, my God, Bradley. Where are you?”

  “We’re in the nursery,” I hear him call from the next room. “Call the fire department!” he yells.

  “I won’t leave you two,” I argue. “Where’s Faith?”

  “She’s with me. Please, call 9-1-1; I can’t get to the phone. We’re stuck and the fire’s spreading fast.”

  I barely manage to reach the ground floor, pressing the sleeve over my mouth and nose. The fire hasn’t reached the bottom floor yet. My hands are shaking, the phone slips from my fingers on the floor.

  “Damn!” The wood is cracking, the stairs being engulfed in the flames. “Bradley!”

  “Did you make the call?”

  “The stairs are about to collapse,” I scream.

  “It’s all going to be all right, honey. I love you!” I hear him call out faintly. Faith’s crying – not crying, screaming – fills the house, and my heart is breaking. I need to go to them. The firefighters are on their way, the sirens getting closer and closer, but the fire is spreading fast, and I can barely breathe from all the hot, smoky air.

  “Ev, get outside!” Bradley orders.

  “No!” Everything around me is engulfed in raging flames, the wood cracking gets louder and louder.

  “We’ll be right behind you … Behind you … you …”

  With a loud scream, I shoot up. Looking around, I see I’m in my bed, pajamas plastered to my body, and I’m breathing like I just ran a marathon. God, not another nightmare. I wipe my sweaty forehead; the clock on the nightstand tells me it’s only six thirteen.

  “Jeez.” It was so real, it makes me sick. When will I finally get a break? When will the nightmares stop?

  Taking a deep breath, I exhale slowly, and throw off the covers to climb out of bed. I go grab a glass of water in the kitchen, and after several minutes of just standing by the sink, looking at nothing and having two more glasses of water, I head back to my room. My mind is still preoccupied with ugly thoughts, so I don’t hear the bathroom door opening, causing me to slam into a wall of hard muscles.

  “Ugh.”

  “Whoa,” Connor is fast enough to catch me before I crash onto my ass. “What’s the rush?” He chuckles, revealing his pearly whites, a stark contrast to the dark stubble covering his jaw. But that’s not what got my attention. My gaze is locked onto his bare chest still wet from the shower, going down over his navel to the small towel around his hips. His delicious body on full display. Holy cow! The nightmare is suddenly forgotten, replaced by R-rated thoughts.

  “Um,” is my clever response, suddenly overwhelmed with desire, heat settles between my legs. My throat goes completely dry, unable to speak.

  “Not that I mind you staring at me,” he says, his voice hoarse yet playful, “but if we want to get to the hospital sometime today, I need to dress. Unless you want me to go butt naked. I don’t think hospital staff would approve though.”

  I like seeing him in a better, lighter mood again. Yesterday was hard on him, and what happened in the living room … For a split second I thought he was going to kiss me. That’s why I ran to my bedroom – I didn’t want him making sudden decisions when distraught and under so much stress.

  I open my mouth to respond but nothing comes out. I’m like a fish out of water. “Yes … I mean no … No.” God, now I’m babbling, making an ass of myself. “I don’t think that’d be a good idea.” Finally, a whole sentence.

  “I’m glad we agree.” He steps to the side so I can move past him, and I sneak another glance at his wet chest, wiping the drool from my lips. Everly, you’re in so much trouble.

  Most of the day is spent in the hospital. We keep Carlos company until we need to go get Ava at preschool and take her to her gymnastics class. Dolores insists she’ll stay with Carlos until Ava is done with her class, then she’ll pick her up and bring her home.

  “What a day, huh?” Connor sighs as he throws his keys on the coffee table when we get home. A few minutes ago, it started pouring like crazy, and we just ran inside since we both forgot our umbrellas.

  “But the good news is Carlos will come home in four days,” I say as I plop on the couch.

  “He looks better, doesn’t he?” Connor says, his mood cheerful.

  “Yes, he’s doing great.”

  “Want something to eat?”

  “I don’t know.” But my stomach growls in response. The whole neighborhood probably heard it, that’s how loud it was. A blush sneaks up my cheeks.

  “There, I got my answer,” he chuckles. “I’ll order in, I’m not in the mood to go out in this weather.” He fishes his cell out of his pocket, but I stop him.

  “That’s not necessary. Let me see what’s in the fridge, and I’ll whip something up for us in no time.”

  “We need a warm meal. I’m a shitty cook, although I make mean grilled cheese sandwiches. But that’s mostly it.”

  “I can cook something,” I offer.

  “How about hamburger and fries?” he ignores me, making me nod in approval. “That’s settled, then.” He calls delivery and turns on the TV. “What movie do you want to watch?”

  “I thought we were eating.”

  “It’s more fun if we do both at the same time. Just don’t tell Ava I said that,” he winks.

  “My lips are sealed.” I make a motion to lock my lips and throw the imaginary key away.

  “So, you get to decide between an action movie”– he quickly scans the summary of the second movie– “and an action movie,” he adds. “A very hard choice.”

  “Oh, wow. How on earth do I decide?” my voice is teasing. “I guess I’m going to have to go with an action movie.”

  “Perfect decision.” Connor puts the DVD in the DVD player. It doesn’t take long for the food to arrive. I insist on paying but Connor wouldn’t let me, he keeps pushing me away. The delivery guy was so sick and tired of us, he almost let us have the food for free.

  “What?” I grin. “Do I have something on my face?” I put down a juice we got for free with our food order. He’s staring at me, smiling cheekily.

  “Nothing, I just remembered something.”

  “Tell me,” I say as I dip a French fry into the ketchup container.

  “It’s pathetic.”

  “That makes me even more interested,” I encourage him. “Come on.”

  “Okay, so there’s this joke I thought of when I saw you drinking like that.” I nod, encouraging him to continue, wrapping my lips around the straw again.

  “Why are blondes always so serious when they drink juice from the juice box?”

  I snort, knowing the answer will be something ridiculous. “I have no idea. Enlighten me.”

  “Because it says ‘concentrate’ on the container.”

  I laugh out loud, grab a fry, and throw it at him. His reflexes are amazing because he catches it with his mouth.

  “Ass.” I stick my tongue out at him playfully.

  “What?” he acts offended. “You said you wanted to know what was on my mind.”

  “And you thought of a blonde joke? It wasn’t even funny.”

  “It was. You laughed at it.”

  “Was not. I was laughing at you.”

  “Liar.” His laugh is deep.

  “I bet I can think of a better one.”

  “This, I need to hear,” he challenges me, crossing his arms over his chest.

  “Okay.” I pinch my brows together in conce
ntration. “Let me think of one.”

  “So …” He starts tapping his foot for a bigger emphasis.

  “Yeah, yeah.” I wave my hand at him dismissively. Do I tell him the PG13 version or the dirty one? The latter, definitely the latter. “Okay, so, are you ready to hear it?”

  “I’m all ears.”

  “Amber told me this one. Here it goes. A man and his wife are in bed. He’s reading a book, and she’s curled up next to him, ready to sleep. Suddenly his hand slides between his wife’s legs, rubbing her clit.” Connor’s eyebrows shoot up, a smirk on his lips. “Then continues reading like nothing happened. The wife asks confused: ‘Do you want to have sex?’ but he replies, ‘No, I was just trying to get my finger wet so I could turn the page.’.”

  We burst into laughter. I’ve heard this joke a million times, but it’s still hilarious.

  “Oh, my God.” Connor gasps for air, doubling over. “I swear I wasn’t expecting this.”

  “What? Dirty jokes? As far as you know, I can be the biggest pervert, and you wouldn’t know.” Challenging, I lift my brow.

  “Yeah, right.” He snorts. My response is to throw pillow at his head. “Hey!”

  “That’s for making fun of me.” I point a finger at him. He smacks me back with another pillow. A pillow fight erupts, we’re swinging at each other, acting like two kids. With my bad luck, I trip but Connor grabs hold of me and we land on the couch together. I find myself pressed beneath Connor’s firm, muscular body, his hands on either side of my head, helping support his weight. He looks amused and happy about the situation we’ve found ourselves in. Our breathing is uneven, like we just ran a marathon. Suddenly, the air between us shifts, our smiles are replaced by tension, intensity. Connor’s eyes fall to my lips, then our gazes lock. His pupils are dilated, the intensity of his stare makes my skin burn, my heart flutter and my lips tremble. Slowly, he starts glancing up and down, eyes to lips, lowering his head closer and closer to me.

  “You’re crushing me,” I blurt, ruining the moment. I know what he was about to do. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t want it to happen. I’ve been dreaming of kissing him, tracing my fingers over his hard muscles, him kissing me back. But my consciousness doesn’t let me give into the temptation. I don’t let myself that kind of pleasure.

  Connor blinks a few times, as if waking from a trance, hardly believing what just happened. “Sorry,” he mumbles while climbing off me.

  We settle on the couch afterwards to watch the movie that’s already started. I can feel a little awkwardness between us, but it’s soon forgotten as we watch the hero saving the world from the aliens and falling in love with the female scientist who’s helping him battle them. My legs are underneath me, Connor’s arm on the top of the couch behind my shoulders. Despite the awkwardness between us before, I feel comfortable and safe next to him. I can’t remember the last time I’ve felt so … at home somewhere. Like I belong. That’s the last thought that crosses my mind before I’m lulled into sleep.

  Rough fingers tenderly slide down my cheek, tickling my skin, but not enough to fully wake me. I feel a strand of hair being removed from my face. Opening my eyes slowly, lids heavy with sleep, I see a pair of brown eyes smiling down at me gently. I must have slide into Connor’s lap in my sleep somehow.

  “Hey, sleepyhead,” he says.

  I rise to a sitting position, rubbing my eyes. “Sorry, I have no idea when I dozed off.” Not surprised though since I haven’t been sleeping well the past few days. I usually never take naps during the day.

  “It’s okay. You weren’t even asleep that long.”

  “What time is it?” I look around myself.

  “Six.”

  “How did the movie end?” He even put a blanket over me, which makes me swoon a little.

  “You know, the usual,” he shrugs. “Hero saves the world and gets the girl.”

  “Good. I’d kick her butt if she didn’t pick him. He was hot.” I sigh. Connor chuckles, shaking his head. After I stretch my sleepy muscles, I pick up the empty containers from our lunch, taking them to the kitchen and throwing them in the trashcan. Glancing at my phone, I see a text from Amber. I grin at her usual greeting and write her back.

  “What’s so funny?” Connor appears behind my back, peeking over my shoulder.

  “Amber. My friend. She wants my cookies,” I tell him amused.

  “Why don’t you ever invite her here?” Leaning against the counter casually, he crosses his legs. “I’d like to meet your friends. I’m having this … some sort of party at Mi Vida next Saturday, and I’d love it if you both came.”

  “Really?” My face lights up. “I’m sure she’d love that. She’s a wild child, never says no to a good party.” With a huge smile on my face, I start telling him bits and pieces about her. He listens intently, a smile playing on his lips, nodding every once in a while. Suddenly, in the middle of my rambling, Connor moves and reaches out to cup my face. His soft, full lips press against mine unexpectedly, in a gentle, toe-curling kiss. For a split second, I forget about everything and just feel. My mind goes blank and my knees get weak. As he ends the kiss, he leans his forehead against mine, making me freeze, but he doesn’t notice. Reality comes crashing down on me. No, no, no. What the hell just happened?

  “Everly,” he breaths, his voice quiet and hoarse. “I... It was…”

  Averting my gaze, I press a hand to my swollen lips, and push him back slightly with the other. Blinking a few times, my eyes look everywhere but him.

  “A mistake,” I finish for him.

  “What?” His eyes shoot up. “I wanted to say amazing.” He searches my face. “I’m sorry.” He shakes his head with a dry laugh.

  “I, umm … I need to go.” Without a backward glance, I spin on my heel and dart out of the kitchen, grabbing my shoes on the way out. Connor calls after me, but I don’t falter. I dash outside like Cinderella. I find myself on the beach, the air heavy with dampness, but at least it stopped raining. Plopping my ass on the ground, not caring if my shorts get wet, I press my legs to my chest. I don’t move for a while, just watching the restless ocean.

  He kissed me. Connor kissed me and I ran away. God, I’m an idiot. I brush my fingertips over my lips. I can still feel the weight of his mouth on mine, the soft press of his lips, the warmth of his kiss. It was so gentle, full of emotions, and perfect. I don’t deserve this. Shit, what have I gotten myself into? Why did I let my guard down and let it happen? I let myself feel again. He made me feel again. How did this happen? “Ugh,” I groan.

  A bolt of lightning in the distance splits the sky, the ocean is foaming with waves hitting the beach angrily. Taking my phone out of my pocket, I call the only person in my life I can always count on.

  “Hey, babe,” her greeting is cheerful as always.

  “He kissed me,” I say without explanation.

  That confuses her. “Okaaaay,” she drags out the word. “Can you start from the beginning? I’m feeling a little lost here.”

  “Connor. He kissed me.”

  “And that’s a bad thing why?” she asks. I hear her start the ignition.

  “Amber, you don’t understand. We live together, we’re friends. This complicates things,” I try to explain.

  “Not if you don’t let it.” If it were so easy.

  “He doesn’t know me. There are things he doesn’t know about me, bad things. You know what I’m talking about. I don’t deserve to feel happy.” I sigh and throw a pebble into the water.

  “That’s total bullshit and you know it. And yeah, he doesn’t know you, but who actually does? You won’t let anyone close. You keep closing yourself off, pushing people away for what? Because you’re blaming yourself for what happened. It wasn’t your fault. How many times do I have to say it?”

  “But I’m the one—”

  “Stop it! I don’t want to listen to you put yourself down anymore. You deserve happiness, you deserve love. Don’t run anymore when a guy asks you out or tries to kiss yo
u. The only thing you’re actually passionate about is your job. That’s not healthy. You like him, don’t you? That’s why you’re freaking out.”

  I sniff, nodding. “Yes,” I say out loud, finally voicing what I feel, even though it’s hard to admit. Sweeping emotions under the rug was always the easiest and safest thing for me to do. I’ve gotten so used to it, I started doing it subconsciously, I guess. It’s hard to describe what I feel for Connor. My heart beats faster when I’m with him, my stomach gets tangled in knots, my skin tingles when he touches me. I never thought I’d experience something like this again. “I don’t know what to do and how to react. I’ve spent years avoiding these kinds of feelings.” That’s why I haven’t dated, haven’t even looked at a guy romantically. “I didn’t want to get attached to anyone, it was better that way. Safer.”

  “That’s what you think. You’ve just become a master at suppressing your emotions, you convinced yourself it’s the best solution. But Everly, it’s been six years, for crying out loud. I know you’re still grieving, but you need to give yourself a break and start living again. You’re only hurting yourself,” she says softly.

  “I’m not ready. Not yet,” I sob into the phone.

  “Will you ever be ready? Give Connor a chance, that’s all I’m saying.”

  “I don’t know. I need time.” Like she said, I’m hurting myself, but that’s exactly what I deserve.

  “Jesus.” Amber is probably rolling her eyes as we speak. “Hasn’t enough time passed already?” She sounds pissed. “It’s been six years, Everly. Six fucking years. Stop punishing yourself. Do what you think is best, but don’t wait too long because life may just slip through your fingers sometime in between.”

  After we say our goodbyes, I reach for my neck to unclasp the necklace I always wear. With a gentle touch, my fingers caress the heart shaped locket Bradley gave me years ago. A tear rolls down my cheek. I miss them so much. I thought it would be easier with time, but no, it’s not. Faith and Bradley were my whole life. I never stop wishing things would have turned out differently than they did. Taking a deep, calming breath, I put the necklace back on and wipe the tears away with the back of my hand. With shoes in my hands, I slowly walk back to the house.