Healers Suck!

by Charles Andrews

  "Sure!" she said. "Just add your biosignature here and you'll be good to go."

  I thumbed the slate and it glowed green. The girl blinked a couple more times. As though she was almost surprised that the thumbprint went green. I tried to avoid grinning.

  It wouldn't be the first time someone had looked at me askance when it turned out I clearly had access to something I obviously should’ve had access to since I was a fucking student here like everyone else. They all acted like I didn't belong just because my clothes didn't match the designer stuff everyone else wore.

  "So how does this work?" I asked. "And where the hell is everybody else?"

  "Everybody else?" she asked.

  "Well yeah," I said. "I figured there’d be a lot of people coming in here to check the game out!"

  That was good for a couple more blinks. Like we were both speaking the same language here, but clearly we were having very different conversations.

  She smiled and shook her head. It really was captivating when she did that. Even if I knew she wouldn't give me the time of day if she didn't have to as part of her work study, or whatever the hell it was that put her behind that desk in this lab.

  “That’s a good one,” she said. "Everyone who's anyone has their own Crystalia rigs. It's been quiet here ever since the dedication yesterday. You're the first person to come in to actually use the lab!"

  She seemed to realize, just a touch too late, that she’d inadvertently insulted me while explaining the situation, but I was used to it. She didn’t even look embarrassed. Her mouth just twisted down as though she didn’t like that she’d suddenly been reminded there were people less well off than her running around her school.

  "Yeah, well I'd like to try it out," I said, trying to keep the distaste from my voice and not doing a good job of from the way her own mouth turned down even more. Clearly she wasn't used to people talking down to her like that, but what the fuck ever.

  "Right," she said. "If you'll follow me?"

  The Crystalia lab was small by the standards of some of the other computer labs at the Academy, labs I was familiar with that were usually just as empty as this one. Everyone else could afford their own computers, after all, while I had to rely on the hardware that was provided as a result of the tuition that was being paid for by my scholarship.

  I figured I might as well get as much use as I could out of that scholarship money, even if I did get weird looks from the people running those labs. It was well known that a job running one of the computer labs was one of the cushiest positions you could get in a work study considering there was hardly anyone who ever used them.

  The school gave everyone slates to use for class, but if you needed something with more power it was either relying on mommy and daddy to provide a computer, not an option in my case, or relying on the state of the art hardware paid for by the Academy’s outrageous tuitions that usually sat gathering dust.

  Apparently the Crystalia lab operated on the same principles.

  “Pick any booth you like," she said, forcing a smile.

  I found myself distracted for a moment. Damn was she pretty. It was a reminder that my social life had been more or less nonexistent when it came to the fairer sex ever since I came to the Academy.

  None of the royalty and ultra wealthy who went here wanted to interact with the plebes from down on the surface, after all. I was the riffraff, but whatever. I was going to take full advantage of this while I could. I almost didn't care that she was looking down her nose at me.

  Still, I could look even if I knew there wasn't a chance in hell that anything was going to happen. She had bright purple hair. I guess bright colors were all the rage these days.

  It was riff on some subculture from the dirt poor slums in some part of South America that’d been gaining popularity with the rich and famous lately. That was the funny thing about the children of the wealthy up here in the elevator. They mostly had no culture of their own, taking whatever they wanted from down below while looking down their noses at the same time.

  Pretty much the same fucked up dynamic between the rich and the poor that had been going on since time immemorial, and I tried to ignore it. Though I did enjoy looking at the way she filled out her clothes, and that purplish hair was unique, to be sure.

  "I guess this one will do," I said, coming to one of the stalls near the back of the lab.

  "Sure thing," she said with a smile that looked strained. I'm sure the exertion of maintaining a conversation with me for this long was driving her insane.

  She held her slate up to a slate in the wall next to the door. That slate glowed green after a moment and she smiled again.

  "The rig inside is now tuned to your biosignature. You're supposed to only have a couple of hours in one of these booths before I kick you out, but realistically no one is using them so I don't think you're going to have too much trouble. There’ll be a warning when you have to pop out to eat or use the restroom though. Try not to get too addicted.”

  I smiled and shook my head. I’d read about people who got so addicted that the devs had to put in limits to keep them from overdoing it. Apparently the lure of the game world was so great that there were people who preferred spending time in the game to spending time in reality.

  Which was totally something I could understand. Here I was in paradise, at least that’s what I thought it would be when I was struggling to make it here, and all I wanted was an escape from that reality.

  Though I had trouble imagining the rich people who were enjoying the game right now to excess wanting an escape from the reality that was their lives. I guess the grass is greener and all that.

  "Thanks," I muttered, stepping into the small booth.

  "Sure thing," she said. "Let me know if you need anything."

  She paused and hit a button. The door slid shut behind me. There was something about her tone that said she really hoped I didn't need anything. That she wasn't exactly going to enjoy providing that assistance.

  I didn’t know if that was because she thought her job was going to be nice and easy since no one needed to use this lab, or if it was because she obviously didn't want to serve the kind of person who’d need to use this lab in the first place.

  Whatever. I shrugged it off and turned around. Looked at the Crystalia interface. A tingle of anticipation ran through me. That wonderful feeling I got any time I was about to play a new game for the first time, only this time that feeling was dialed up to eleven.

  Gaming was all I had these days. The one outlet I had when I was studying on the flatland, and the one escape I had from the real world now that I was up here in the elevator among my “betters” who refused to talk to me. I couldn’t wait to try this baby out.

  I'd read all about the hardware, of course. Everybody knew about them. At least everybody who was focused on the gaming world.

  It was something straight out of a fantasy movie. It was a single crystal ball that stuck up out of a column.

  The crystal ball glowed faintly as I brushed my hand against it, and I felt a slight warmth.

  "Welcome to Crystalia,” a female voice intoned from everywhere and nowhere at the same time.

  Shit. That voice was in my head. I jumped. Sure everything I'd read had about this game told me to expect that, but it was one thing to hear that they had the ability to beam thoughts and voices directly into your head, and a very different thing entirely to have it actually happen.

  I closed my eyes. Took a deep breath. And then sat down in front of the thing.

  The chair was ridiculously comfortable. As I sat the thing started to recline as it molded to my body. To turn around and position me so my head was right next to the crystal. I twisted to look at the crystal and saw it pulsing and glowing.

  Of course. Ergonomics were an important thing for this game, though supposedly the game took control of your mind and put the body into a comfortable position. Supposedly it also did things like keeping the body moving. Muscles twitching. All th
e things that were needed to keep people from getting a really bad case of bedsores which probably wouldn’t have been very good for the designers of Crystalia from a lawsuit perspective.

  Especially since they were currently aiming their product at the kind of people who had very nasty lawyers on retainer ready to rip anyone apart if they so much as looked at their clients the wrong way. Not that I had that luxury. Not that I gave a fuck as long as I got to try out this game.

  "Are you prepared to enter the game?" the voice asked.

  I licked my lips. A tingle of anticipation ran through me. I couldn't believe this was finally happening. Here I was with one of the famed crystal ball interfaces. I was actually going to get a chance to play the game that was the must play videogame experience of a generation, and I didn't even have to spend a small fortune to get my advance copy!

  I guess that scholarship and all that studying was finally good for something. I’m sure the people who gave me that scholarship wouldn’t care to find out that the most value I was getting out of it was access to a video game, but what they didn’t know wasn’t going to hurt them.

  Besides, I was well past the point of having to bullshit my way through convincing them to give me money. That money was mine now, and they couldn’t take it away from me.

  Unless I spent too much time in a video game and let my grades slip, but it’s not like that was going to be an issue. Gaming was my jam. It was one of those things that I was just naturally and intuitively good at, and that meant I was well aware of the dangers and wasn’t going to let a game addiction get to me.

  "Yes," I said. “I’m ready.”

  The reaction was instantaneous. I don't know what I'd been expecting, but it was nothing like what actually happened.

  The real world switched off. Like it's literally as though there was a switch that was flipped in my brain. One moment I was looking at the dark but comforting confines of my room in the Crystalia lab, and the next moment I was falling through a tunnel made of pure light.

  I probably should’ve been terrified. Like I'm sure if someone hooked up an ancient caveman to this thing, or even someone from a hundred years ago, it would seem like pure terrifying magic. But all I felt was pure exhilaration.

  This was the Crystalia system interfacing with my brain. Preparing me to enter the game world. I let out a whoop of triumphant joy as my body careened down that tunnel of pure light. As I found myself coming up towards something.

  The words Crystalia appeared in front of me, and then I slammed through those words and found myself in a dark room that looked like something straight out some set designer’s idea of what a medieval wizard’s chamber should look like.

  I took a deep breath. Let it out. I was in the game. This was real. This was fucking happening, and I couldn't believe it!

  "Well, well," a croaky old voice said. "What have we here?"

  3

  Character Creation

  I wheeled around and blinked.

  “Is something wrong?" the woman asked.

  "Um…"

  I was having trouble coming up with words to string together. The woman was gorgeous. I'd expected to see a decrepit old man from the way that voice croaked. But this woman… She was something else. She took the whole "sexy sorceress" vibe and ratcheted it up to eleven.

  My mouth went dry and I had to stop to make sure my tongue wasn't hanging out of my mouth like a wolf in an ancient cartoon or something.

  She had on high-heeled boots that went up almost to her knees. Garters that ran up her thighs to a skirt that was barely enough to cover the very dangerous curves that it barely concealed. A strip of her stomach was exposed, just a hint of a belly button surrounded by pale skin, and that gave way to a tight corset that clung to her frame in all the right places even as it pressed up her breasts.

  Have mercy!

  Finally there was her face. A beautiful face with glowing… purple eyes? And to top it all off there was a classic witch’s hat. Your typical point, but this woman was no green-skinned Margaret Hamilton. I mean I’m sure there was someone who was still into Margaret Hamilton despite her being dead for nearly a century, there was something for everyone on the Internet, but this woman was stunning in a sexy sorceress sort of way.

  She threw her head back and laughed. A melodious laugh that was nothing like the croaking voice that greeted me when I first stepped into this world.

  "Were you expecting something else maybe?" she asked, amusement dancing in her eyes as that same croaking voice came out of her.

  "This is a joke?" I asked, not quite sure how to react.

  "Of course it's a joke," she said, her voice melodious once more. “Just a little bit of misdirect with a spell that changes my voice.”

  A tingle of excitement ran through me. Magic. Now there was something that caught my interest. Almost more than looking at this woman. Almost, but not quite. She was insanely hot, after all, and it’d been entirely too long since I’d enjoyed the company of the fairer sex.

  Even if I was pretty sure this woman could turn me into a newt if I pissed her off.

  “A spell?"

  "Well yes," she said. "You are going to be a spellcaster of some sort, yes?"

  "I don't know," I said. "You tell me."

  Her mouth turned down. "You know usually when they come through here they have a better idea of what they're going to be, but the system wouldn't have sent you to me if there wasn’t the potential there so…"

  I looked at my surroundings. I revised my initial assessment of the place just a little. It looked like the kind of place where I'd expect to find a witch going about her business. Not the hunched over wizard I'd expected after hearing that croaking voice.

  There was even an owl in the corner, and as I looked at it it's head turned and regarded me at an angle that seemed unnatural even though I knew it was perfectly natural for the bird.

  "Um. Nice place you have here," I said.

  "Why thank you," she said, standing which caused parts of her to bounce in a most distracting way.

  I licked my lips again. I'd heard this game was fully immersive, but as I looked at this woman who was obviously an NPC of some sort, an NPC powered by some of the most powerful artificial intelligence ever developed for commercial applications, I found myself wondering exactly how "fully functional" the ladies in this game were.

  "So what, you're like a class trainer for spellcasters or something?"

  "Something like that," she said with a thin smile. “You can consider me your guide as you begin your journey into a whole new world.”

  She walked over and put her hands on my shoulders, and I was painfully aware of just how close she was. I felt heat coming off of her body. Her scent, a combination of earthy smells and something that was decidedly feminine, hit me like a wave. Yet at the same time it wasn't anything like any of the artificial scents I'd gotten used to from the women in the elevator.

  She walked me over to a floor to ceiling mirror, and I found myself looking at this witchy woman in all her high definition glory, but the person she had her arms on was an indistinct haze.

  I was an indistinct haze. Dubya tee eff?

  "What the hell is wrong with me?" I asked, both confused by what I looked like in the mirror and also just a little turned on because holy shit part of that corset was pressing against me and I could feel the gentle curve of her breasts pressing into my back.

  Hey, give a guy a break. Like I said, it’d been awhile. I couldn't get the time of day from the girls at the Academy, and I’d gotten used to flying solo, if you catch my drift. I'd had no problem with the ladies down on the surface, but of course that was down where I was somebody and not up in the elevator where I was a nobody.

  Less than a nobody, really. Though maybe that would change here. I could hope that everyone would be more equal in the game, even if I wasn’t holding my breath.

  "This is where you choose who you're going to be in this world, of course," she said.

  "
So how does this work?" I said. "Are their character creation sliders or something I have to work with?"

  “You can be anything you want," she said. "All you have to do is imagine it. That's how this world works. You’ll have to get used to using your mind rather than fiddling with controllers.”

  I blinked at the obvious reference to the real world, and wondered if that was something that was going to happen a lot. I guess it must’ve been difficult for the devs to strike a balance between keeping everything fully immersive while also bowing to the demands of game mechanics.

  I looked at myself. Thought of what I looked like in the real world. Suddenly that hazy and indistinct figure in the mirror became… Well, me.

  Only I was in nothing but a pair of boxers. I blushed as I looked at the witch standing beside me and wondered if she’d react to seeing me wearing practically nothing. Sure enough she was looking me up and down in the mirror with a slight smile. As though she liked what she saw.

  There was something I hadn’t seen in awhile.

  "I think you can be more interesting than that," she said. "After all, this is a world where you can be anything."

  Her hands went exploring along my body. Down my sides. Though she stopped just before she went below the equator, and I wasn’t sure if that was a relief or a frustration.

  Fuck. This was unlike any character creation I’d ever done before, but it's not like I was complaining. Though when I looked down I realized there was a very awkward situation tenting up in my pants as a result of this unique character creation.

  Shit. Her eyes darted down. I’d never been a slouch in that department, but I realized there was potential here. I imagined things being just a little bit bigger. I'm not talking porn star huge or anything like that, I'd been with enough women to know that porn star huge was often more of a hindrance than it was a help when it came to pleasing the ladies, but I figured just a little bit more wasn’t going to hurt.