Healers Suck!

by Charles Andrews

  "Now you're getting the idea," she said, that smirk never leaving her face.

  I looked at myself in the mirror. Played around with my looks. I figured I’d make something that was sort of close to what I looked like in the real world, but better. A sort of idealized self image, if you will.

  When I was done the indistinct haze was gone and I stared at that idealized version of me. I’d altered the face slightly. Basically a slightly more handsome version of myself.

  Not that I considered myself a slouch in the real world, but I'd heard that a lot of people were walking around looking like models in this game because why not?

  Though that might have more to do with the kind of vapid self-absorbed rich brats playing the game right now because they could afford to and not because people naturally gravitated towards looking like supermodels. Something told me once normal people started to join the game as well there’d be people who were more interested in the fidelity of role-playing than they were in looking perfect.

  Then again maybe not. This was a chance to finally be the ideal without all of that nasty plastic surgery stuff or hours in the gym that most people had to endure if they wanted an improvement.

  I also had a little more muscle definition than what I had in the real world. I used to be able to work out, but that was something that had gone by the wayside under the pressures of the academic schedule at the Academy. Not to mention I didn't see the point in exercising all that much considering most of the women had refused to give me the time of day from the moment I arrived.

  Plus the lower gravity meant it was even more work, even though that was even more of a reason to hit the fucking gym from time to time so I didn’t completely lose it when I inevitably went back to the surface. The point is I didn’t need those muscles to impress the Academy ladies because nothing I did would impress them into slumming it.

  No getting lucky for sob stories and scholarship cases. Damn it.

  I sported slightly longer hair than in the real world. That seemed appropriate for a fantasy setting. And it was a dusty blonde now instead of the dark I’d had since the day I was born.

  I also put on a goatee. Facial hair seemed to be coming back in style again, and so I figured a small beard wouldn't hurt. It wasn’t like I was going for the kind of beard that was rocked during the first civil war or anything. Just something that looked a little distinguished.

  When I was done I turned to the witch.

  "What do you think?" I asked, thinking the entire time how ridiculous it was that I was even asking the opinion of an NPC.

  Only there was something about this woman that felt real. And as she looked me up and down I realized I cared about her opinion even though she was nothing more than an automated assistant to help people create a character.

  "A very nice choice," she purred, and it had me wondering if she was programmed to say that whether someone chose something attractive or decided to be an overweight humanoid Jabba the Hutt look-alike.

  Whatever. She was acting like I was hot shit, and considering the long dry spell I was enduring I’d take what I could get.

  I held my hands out. Looked her up and down, but decided I wasn’t going to try anything. Something told me the character creation helper wasn't interested in getting frisky. Even if that was the foremost thing on my mind for some reason.

  Again, give a guy a break. It’d been a while, and I found myself overwhelmed by those thoughts now that I was getting more contact from this AI than I had from a real woman since joining the Academy.

  "Now it's time for you to choose your path in the game," she said, turning me away from the mirror and towards a crystal ball that had a strange glowing bluish purple mist roiling around inside it.

  "Choose and perish?" I said with a slight chuckle.

  "Something like that," she said, her voice a low throaty growl almost. "Gaze into the crystal ball and all will be revealed. You will see your deepest desire, and learn to make it yours.”

  I shrugged. That sounded awfully cryptic, but if the game wanted me to look into the crystal ball then I'd look into the crystal ball. So I stared, and found myself transfixed as I seemed to fall into that roiling mist.

  Shit.

  4

  Class Selection

  The mist roiling inside that crystal ball surrounded me. Caressed me. Like it was that witch caressing me.

  Almost, but not quite. It was like I was getting felt up by magic itself. Which, when I thought about it, was kind of weird, but at the same time I had to admit it also felt kind of good. Kinda fucked up, but kind of good.

  Hey, aren't all of life's greatest experience a combination of all of the above?

  I took a deep breath and let it out, and it was as though there was a part that magic coming out of me. It reminded me of experiences when I was younger. Stepping out on a cold day and seeing my breath leaving my body.

  Only now I was exhaling virtual magic. Talk about a trip.

  I'd heard of a couple of friends back on the flatland who'd had experiences like this, but it was usually with a little bit of a chemical assist. This was a trippy experience I was getting courtesy of a computer that was being injected straight to my mind, though, and it felt good.

  Weird, but good.

  I just hoped it wouldn’t have some of the side effects that the chemical alteration of brain patterns had done to some of my friends enjoying those drugs on the flatland.

  "What will you be?" the woman's voice whispered in my mind.

  Now that felt good to. It was like a lover’s caress moving over my brain. If that makes sense. When I think about it it doesn't really, the mental image of some hot woman opening up my skull to run her hands along my exposed brain is something that belongs in a survival horror game, but then again I was sort of in a spot where nothing I was thinking was making much sense. All there was was the magic. The mist. That woman's voice pulsing in my brain. And it felt good.

  Really good. Almost orgasmically good, and I was pretty sure that didn’t have anything to do with how hard up I currently was for any sort of female companionship.

  "I don't know," I said.

  It was the honest truth. I didn't know what I wanted to be, beyond a vague sense that I wanted to do something with magic. I’d played a caster in just about every game ever, and I didn't see any reason to change up a good thing now.

  "Magic," she said, and I could feel the smile moving across my mind. "A good choice, but of course it would be magic if you're coming to me."

  "So what kind of options do you have?" I asked, then took a shot in the dark. “Maybe something that will help me with the ladies?"

  I wasn't sure why I said that. I guess it was just something that was on my mind considering everything that’d happened in the past half hour or so. Being humiliated in front of Madison and thinking about how I could get used to being humiliated in front of her if I just got to look at her, even though I'd never been into that sort of thing before in my life. Looking at Katelyn and thinking about how I was so close yet so far. How she was simply being nice to me. Looking at the pretty girl who was running the Crystalia lab and thinking about how I wouldn't mind having a little bit of fun with her too, but again she was completely off-limits to me because of a chance of birth She wouldn't give me the time of day if she wasn't forced to talk to me as part of her job.

  And then, of course, there was the sorceress. As I thought of her I thought I almost heard her laughing, even though she was more of a disembodied sensation around me than she was an actual person. I could still feel her emotion somehow, and that was a trip too.

  "Something that will help you with the ladies, yes?" the sorceress asked.

  I couldn't be sure, but I thought I detected a hint of amusement in her voice. Though it was difficult to say if that was really what was going on. I didn't have facial expressions to go on, after all. Just whatever I felt pulsing in my mind.

  "I think we could work with that," she said.

  An
image appeared in front of me. Me, only different. I looked sort of like a wizard, but the threads were all off. They were all cut in a way that looked… Fashionable. Almost stylish. I guess fashionable is something I never expected to see from a caster.

  "What is that?" I asked.

  "The ultimate pet class," she said.

  I frowned. Or at least my mind went through the motions that would lead to a frown if I was in the real world. I was pretty sure I wasn't frowning since I was a disembodied bundle of pure emotion surrounded by swirling magical mystery, but whatever. The point is the frown was there in my mind.

  "This isn't something creepy, is it?" I said. "I don't want to be some asshole who uses magic to get women to do what he wants or something."

  "Perish the thought," she said. "Though you'd be surprised how many we get coming through here who want to do just that."

  Now I sensed something else under the amusement. A sense of annoyance. I’d had to deal with enough basement dwelling types in my time on the Internet that I could appreciate that annoyance.

  I licked my nonexistent lips. "So what happens to the guys who try to do that?"

  "Honestly?" she said. "I usually take a couple of inches off of whatever enhancement they gave themselves in the character creation process, and a negative modifier to their charisma when they enter the game world. Good luck getting virtual babes to hop on your virtual stick with that kind of handicap.”

  I barked out a laugh. It was amusing to hear an AI talking about men like that. I wasn't sure if she was joking or not, but I was suddenly very glad that I'd put in that clarification about not wanting to bend women to my will or any creepy shit like that.

  "You’re a fascinating one though," she said. "I sense interesting things rattling around inside your head."

  “Fascinating?” I asked.

  "Certainly," she said. "You're horny, to be sure, but what man your age isn't? Especially with all the difficulties you’re having to endure currently regarding your social life?”

  Now that was good for a double take. Or the mental equivalent of a double take. It was a reminder that this game was rummaging around in my head, and I wasn't sure what I thought of that.

  "It doesn't matter what you think of it," she said. "You agreed to the license agreement when you allowed the crystal to scan your brain waves, and so here we are. Preparing you to play the ultimate pet class."

  "What kind of pets are we talking about?” I asked. "Because I don't think having a bunch of NPCs forced to what I say is any more appealing than doing that with player characters."

  "Of course not," she said. "That's why we're going to make you a Healer with a dash of Psionics thrown in.”

  "A healer?” I asked. "Forgive me, but I've never heard of a healing class that was good at using pets. What kind of fucked up game breaking shit is going on in this game?"

  "You need to think about this fourth dimensionally. Healers are a class everyone needs if they're going to succeed in a game. You have the ability to use every other kind of player or NPC as your pet, and they’ll be happy to tag along as long as you know what you’re doing. Everyone needs you, no one wants to play your class because a misguided notion that it sucks or something, and that means you're the one calling the shots in a group."

  "What about a tank?" I asked. "Aren't they essential as well? And they get to kill stuff!”

  "Maybe," she said. "But I can guarantee you your abilities as a Healer are going to help you gather people around you much more than a tank putting together a group. And don’t forget that little bit of specialization to your class. You’ll have no offensive abilities to speak of, but I think that little bit of Psionics will go a long way for you. What do you think?"

  “Psionics,” I said. "Like mind reading and that sort of bullshit?"

  "Something like that," she said, and I could sense the amusement rolling off of her. "You simply have to step into the game and see what you can make of it. I haven’t run across many players with the ability to make use of what I’m offering you, but I think you can handle the responsibility.”

  "So this is going to help me with the ladies how?"

  "As with everything it all depends on what you make of it," she said. "So do you accept the offer? Understand that this is only being offered once. If you decide you don't want it…"

  Another emotion flashed into my head. The sense that she didn't offer this to just anyone. The sense that if I didn't take her up on this offer then things were going to go very poorly for me. Maybe not as poorly as it did for those poor sons of bitches who had their physical attributes reduced by a couple inches because they decided to get a little too pervy, again I was glad I'd decided not to hit on this sorceress, but still.

  The threat was there. A big old stick to go along with the carrot.

  I had a feeling I was being offered the equivalent of a prestige class in this game, if they even had that sort of thing in Crystalia, and if I turned her down then I was going to be stuck with a boring run-of-the-mill class like everyone else.

  “Smart boy," the sorceress said. "So what's your answer?"

  "I accept," I finally said, wondering all along if I was making the right choice.

  "Glad to hear it," she said.

  The wizard dressed in some robes that looked like fine fashion disappeared in a puff of mist, and then that mist came towards me. It seemed to wrap around me, and pain ran through my body. I didn't have a back to arch, but if I did it would be arching right now as I screamed out in pain. Though I had no mouth even though I had to scream.

  "What the…”

  "Please allow a moment while the new parameters are added to your character profile," the sorceress said, reading off the dry game speak in a very amused voice. "Now go out into the world and conquer. I'll be very interested in seeing what you make of your game career."

  And with that the world flashed white around me and went dark.

  5

  New World

  I blinked a couple of times as I looked up at the steady blue light of the displays that were run overhead constantly to let all the spoiled rich kids at the Academy feel like they were in the real world and not in a reasonable facsimile of the real world well above the atmosphere.

  Which had always seemed fucked up to me considering I'd grown up in that real world. They were so proud of their life up here in the elevator, and yet at the same time they spent so much time trying to emulate the life down on the surface they all looked down on.

  What the fuck ever.

  Birds chirped around me. Another bit of sound that was piped in to add to the hyperreality feel of the Academy campus. Another thing that had always seemed just a little off to me. Maybe it was because they had a bunch of different bird recordings of species that had no business being in the same region.

  There was something that just instinctively felt off to someone who grew up on the flatland and not in a place where hyperreality was the norm.

  Only as I blinked a couple of times there was something that was slightly off about that blue sky. It looked too real, if that makes sense. Whenever I looked up at the blue sky in the Academy there was always something slightly off about it. The faint hint of lines running in a grid from the panels that gave off of that faux-sunlight.

  The blue sky I looked up at now was seamless. There was no indication that there was anything artificial going on up there.

  I blinked a couple of times. Wondered what the hell was going on here.

  A bird flitted by overhead. Okay. That was definitely weird. I'd never seen that species of bird before, and they only had a couple of songbirds in the elevator. Everything about the environment there was carefully controlled, including the kinds of wildlife they allowed. Some squirrels and a few songbirds to add atmosphere. To make it seem like a real college campus. That was about it.

  So what the hell was a…

  It all came crashing back. Going to the Crystalia lab. Meeting that pretty girl. Being thrust into that stra
nge witch’s study with the beautiful witch in the incredibly tight corset and the impossibly short skirt. I took a couple of moments to think about her. Those were some nice memories.

  Hey. Give a guy a break. It’d been a while, as I think I've already covered several times.

  I sat up. I was in in a clearing in a forest. Which definitely wasn't something that existed at the Academy. Sure there were some wooded areas, but nothing as large or expansive as this. There was no way something like that could’ve been hidden at the Academy. Not without me finding it and using it as a convenient place to get away from all the assholes around me.

  I ran a hand through the grass. It was exactly like the real world. Not the genetically modified pseudo-grass they used on the academy grounds that almost felt like the real thing, but was off slightly because of something they used to keep it from growing too tall. That way they didn’t have to worry about mowing and mucking up the air recirculators with grass clippings.

  This felt like the real thing, for all that I knew it was actually a signal being beamed into my brain to simulate the feel of my hand running through grass.

  Damn. What a time to be alive! Then again the fact that I was going to school in the elevator was proof enough that I was already living a science-fiction existence, but this went above and beyond even that!

  "I'm not in Kansas anymore," I whispered.

  "I'd say!"

  I jumped and looked around to see if the sorceress was anywhere to be found, but I didn't see her. I’d certainly heard her though. That wasn’t a voice I was going to easily forget.

  "Um, so I know this is all going down in my head, but am I going crazy or something?"

  Then she appeared in my vision. Like she was floating in front of me, and maybe my perspective was off or something had gone wrong with the way I was perceiving the virtual world around me, but she looked like she was only six or seven inches tall.

  She put her hands on her hips and smiled.